The Loch Ness Baby

Last week, I had dreams about babies. Talking babies. In fact, I dreamt of talking babies three times in one week.

The first dream involved Eloise, the girl I used to nanny. She's 7 now, and she was in my dream, but she was a 7-year-old baby who could talk. The second dream was even more bizarre. I had a baby of my own (also a girl), but she was covered in scales, and I had scales too, under my arms. I decided we would both go to the doctor so he could treat our "psoriasis." The third dream, I don't actually remember much about the talking babies, but I know they were there somewhere. What I do remember is that I got a giant bouquet of red roses from none other than Tom Brady, only Tom is apparently short for his real name, which is "Colonel." I know because that's what was written on the invoice for the roses. 

I was freaked out by these dreams, so I turned to the expert in dreams: Grayer. You may not know this, but in addition to being a professional DNA machine builder, Grayer is also an expert in dream analysis. And this time, I think she hit the nail on the head. 

According to Grayer, the talking babies are my rationalization of wanting to actually have one. The baby with scales represents the fact that I think there's something wrong with me, either for wanting to have a baby, or for not having had one by now. And as for Colonel Tom Brady? That's easy. I want a man to come in and take control, just like a quarterback, or a colonel. 

Huh. This all makes perfect sense. One half of me feels like there IS something wrong with me. Not necessarily that I don't have a baby by now, but that I'm not at all in a position to have one. The other half of me feels like I shouldn't feel this way. I'm a modern, independent woman, and I should be completely fine with that. I don't need anything to hold me down. So yes, I'm a bit conflicted. 

And yes, I DO want a man to come in and take control and be there and not play games and not disappear. Is that so wrong? 

I'm sure this was brought on by Luigi's flakiness, and my disappointment that he couldn't step up to the plate.   Batting next? We'll see.

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

This song is the first on this great break up/rainy day album that Violet made me a few years ago with the recommendation that it be taken with a pint of ice cream. The album was probably in regular rotation in my car CD player for over a year. Last week I rediscovered why I love it so much. I've never really had my heart broken before and I have a new found respect for Violet's masterpiece.

Last week I finally talked to MM and officially ended whatever we were. I had asked him if he was avoiding me the previous week when he told me that he was busy playing video games. He said no and acted like it was no big deal, after talking practically everyday for 5 months, that he would go a week without talking to me. This really stung. Was this really so easy for him? I had been fighting the urge to text or call him all week. Meanwhile he was playing video games?

When it became apparent that MM was not going to address the elephant in the room and thought that we could just instantly go from dating to friends with no discussion, I decided that something needed to be said. I needed closure. All along MM had told me that above all else he valued my friendship and he didn't want us dating to ruin that. So when I talked to MM, I told him that if he really wanted to be friends with me, then he needed to stop being an ass and doing what was easiest for him. MM said that he was sorry and that he had avoided the situation because he didn't know what to say and he was scared. We talked about it some more and I got some of the answers that I needed. We agreed that we wouldn't talk or see each other for awhile. While it was upsetting to talk about it and relive the disappointment and rejection, it was what I really needed to begin the slow process of moving on.

At least that is what I thought. This weekend I went back on match.com and perused my options. I even updated my profile that I've had hidden for months. But I left it hidden. Even though I was trying to think of the prospect of dating other guys, I'm simply not ready to put myself out there again. I'm trying not to think about MM. This is easier said than done. During the day I stay busy, but at night I'm fighting a losing battle. MM is in my dreams. Sometimes I dream of him ending things and relive the crushing disappointment in my sleep. Other times I'm out with other guys and they just don't measure up to MM. They are boring or the chemistry just isn't there. Perhaps the most damaging, I dream that MM changed his mind and wants to try to make things work, only to awake disappointed, knowing that this isn't going to happen.

So my question for you, does this get any easier? When can I expect the dreams to end? When will I stop comparing other guys to MM only to find that they come up lacking? How long before there comes a day that I don't wake up in the morning with MM on my mind?