Frank in real life

I got on the train late last night.  I had been out at a bar with friends and I actually looked pretty dang good.  I sat down and looked at the guy who sat across from me.  He had on questionable brown shoes, jeans that were a wash that reminded me of dad jeans, a polo shirt and glasses.  He looked like a dork.  A major dork.  It took me a moment to realize it was Financial Frank.

I've never seen Financial Frank in real life before.  I've also never seen Financial Frank wearing pants before.  We live in the same area but we've never run into each other.  This was weird.  So I just stared at him.  He cut his hair since last time I saw him.  I didn't care for it.  I never did like it when he wore glasses.   And seriously, what's up with the dad jeans?  It took a minute but he eventually realized some one was staring at him, but in that minute I realized something--I'm totally the better looking one.  It was a nice feeling.  I smiled and changed seats to talk to him.

The gravy train that is Financial Frank is coming to a close.  He's moving across town this month.  Let's be honest, our relationship is not strong enough to endure a subway ride.  At least not regularly.  And after seeing him in real life, I'm going to go ahead and say I'm ok with that.

I have a date tonight that I'm actually looking forward to.  He's a science type with a quirky sense of humor.  He was Don Draper for Halloween last year so he deserves a shot....I hope he wears a suit.

Rule Breaker!

You know how in Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts has a "no kissing on the lips" rule. I've decided the same kind of rule should be applied to friends with benefits, except in this case, there should be a "no cuddling" rule. Seriously.

If you remember, my last visit with Conrad before Christmas left me smiling and satisfied. I was determined that I had finally figured the Friends with Benefits thing out. Over Christmas we talked via text occasionally but I didn't see him again until this past Friday. We went out for pizza, catching up on our 3 week hiatus and went back to his place to do some drankin'. This intoxication included drunk emailing Violet (We're apparently too classy to drunk text), hooking up, and oh yes, cuddling. I knew I was in trouble. He was being sweet. He was spooning me. He was kissing my forehead. He was breaking the rules!

Of course Conrad and I have never talked about rules, but they should be understood-- Do not be nice to me, it will make me like you! And liking you, Conrad, is not good for me. I left in the morning, determined not to contact him for 2 days (that is the standard for men right?). Around 8 last night he texts me. I was perfectly content working on my crafts, reading, and heading to bed within the next hour. He, however, wanted to take me to the movies. Now we've gone to the movies before, but he never pays! What is going on? While debating whether to try to stay awake for a 10:45 showing, he shows up at my house to surprise me. I live 15 minutes from him, and he hasn't been over in 2 months! WTF?! We didn't end up going to the movies. We just hung out and then he left late.

I don't know where this is going, but it can't be anywhere good. I cannot fall into the trap. He's acting like he used to be in the beginning of our nonrelationship. He is breaking the rules!

Reaping the Benefits

You all know of the drama that's gone on with Conrad. From friend, to friend with benefits, to imaginary boyfriend, to just friends. All the change could give any girl whiplash. Add extreme stress, and I experienced no less than the emotional turmoil of hurricane proportions. I know I've sworn off Conrad. And really I have. Except that I haven't. Do I think of him as more than a friend? No. Am I interested in him as a mere Imaginary Boyfriend? Hell No. Do I still have needs? Hell to the yeah.

Conrad and I haven't been friends with benefits in two months. Not to say that there hasn't been sexual tension. Fun sexual tension. The kind of sexual tension there was in the beginning. This afternoon we had lunch "meeting" with the rest of our labmembers, all while sitting across from each other holding silent conversations with our eyes. (While waiting for everyone else to show up, he had told me how pretty my eyes were before jokingly leaning in for a kiss, puckered and all). He was in a ridiculously good mood for finishing up with his hellish graduate class and I have been equally happy for finishing my thesis. So when I went to his house to kill time before my dinner date with 8-year-Lisa (who's moving out tomorrow, how sad!) I wasn't entirely surprised when something happened. It was afterall, the first time we'd been alone together in weeks. It was just so...fun! (Action, action we love action!)

Did it mean anything? No. Are we more than just friends? No. Will it happen again? Maybe. But it doesn't matter. The point is I'm capable of being just friends with benefits. No wanting more. No caring if he hangs out with another girl. I still do not condone imaginary relationships, but I feel we are now in a healthy situation for harmless benefits. Afterall, I'm no longer stressed out and crazy (I've officially graduated and cleaned out my desk!). And when he jokingly asked me, "Does this mean you're going to get clingy?" I literally slapped him across the stomach, chatted with him while I put on the rest of my clothes, and bid him adieu. At 8 pm on a Friday night. Now that is friends with benefits.

Old Grayer

I had a talk with Conrad yesterday. Instead of blogging and facing my feelings, I chose to pick up a six pack on the way home. By the time my roommate got home, I was 3 beers deep, in a great mood and had an excellent quiche waiting for her.

The reason for me to not want to feel feelings? Conrad was hanging out with another girl last night. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. We are not, nor have we ever been, more than friends (Though we did got through an imaginary relationship period). We haven't even been friends with benefits in quite sometime. However, me being the crazy that I am, I overreacted (It's not so much stress right now. I blame this episode on PMS).

It seemed to me like Conrad had been acting shady. He usually tells me everything, even things that don't pertain to me or that I don't even want to know. But this past week, I've had to ask for information. This led me to think he's trying to avoid telling me something. He had just told me he had no plans for the weekend when I asked him if he wanted to get pizza. "I can't I have plans." What? You just said you didn't have any plans. After further questioning, he reluctantly told me he was doing something or other with a girl in his class. I had suspected something like this. Honestly it wasn't that he was doing it, it was that he seemed to be trying not to tell me about it.

So I told him that if he was hanging out with other girls, I wished that he would tell me. (Yeah, I can't believe I said that either). He didn't like that much at all. Obviously he doesn't have to tell me anything. I back tracked and tried to explain myself and we came to discussing our strange relationship.

"I think you're an amazing friend Grayer, you're the best friend I have here. But, I felt that the benefits part was going down a road I don't like for one, I don't know, I kept getting the vibe of something more. I just think the friends with benefits thing, with you, causes a volatile situation."

A volatile situation? Ok, why do guys always assume a girl wants something more. It's insulting. Yes, we went through a phase where we were basically dating. I can see how that could have freaked him out. Then I turned into a crazy stressed-the-F-out grad student trying to write a thesis. Again, I can see how that freaked him out. When things started changing I didn't handle it so well. I started acting like a girl. I swear, I used to be cool. I used to be laid-back. I used to let things happen as they may. I miss that Grayer. This Grayer is just annoying ('I KNOW! Bring the old Grayer back! NOW!' says Conrad).

Benefits aside, our friendship has changed. "Obviously it's changed. We crossed a line. We hit some bumps. But we're still great friends. We just have to go with the flow." I used to go with the flow. I felt better after talking to him. It didn't bother me that he was hanging out with another girl, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit home and think about him hanging out with another girl. I needed to do something fun, something the old Grayer would do. So, I called Hanging Out Guy. If there's one thing that HOG is good at, it's getting drunk. Since I was already halfway there, I had a good night with him and a couple of his friends. A really good night, which ended with me making out with one of HOG's friends....and HOG. Oops. At least I wasn't thinking about Conrad. Yay for old Grayer!

Take the lead

If Violet's recent kissing crusade was any evidence, women seem to have problems taking initiative in physical aspects of a "relationship." Sure, we've evolved to not wait around for the phone call, we even can ask men on dates, so what is with this hesitance to get what we need (yes, women have needs), nay, get what we deserve? Like Violet, why do we need to get all liquored up before making a first move? Just imagine if men had to do that. There would be drunken idiots everywhere (like, even more so than there already are).

I am not one to criticize, and only in my current non-relationship am I realizing just how much I depend on a man to make the moves. Hanging Out Guy was shy from the start and even though we've been hanging out since January (luckily I have records of our pseudo-courtship here on WWBD?), he really hasn't gotten better. I have to admit, after scheduling conflicts and of course Boston sports preventing us getting together for a while there, I haven't even kissed the guy in over a month. I know. A month. And if I haven't mentioned it before, I love to make out, almost as much as I love boys. And I Looooove boys.

So here's what I think has happened. The comfort level that we got to physically, has significantly decreased, while our natural female inhibition has returned (I say "our female inhibition" because I really think he should be grouped with ladies in the "taking the lead" category). I swear the only thing stopping me from jumping him, is the fact that I don't know if he now wants to be just friends, although it'd be surprising (because when do guys ever want to be just friends when there's benefits in the equation?). I don't understand this, especially when his friends seem to think we're "together" and he refuses to let me pay for things. Whatever the case, this insecurity is making me more timid than usual.

So, in light of Violet's recent lip-locking heroics, I pledge get some action this weekend, that is, if I see him. Ah hell, I pledge to get some action no matter what. Viva la Singletonhood!

Just a friendly make out session

As has been well-documented, I've engaged in flirtations of all kinds with John Boy over the last month or so. The sexual tension seemed to reach a breaking point over the weekend during a round of flirtexting, and I decided I was going to have to take control of the situation. I am a feminist, and if a woman wants to kiss a man why shouldn't she make the first move? This of course sounds great in theory, but execution is another matter. So before I saw John Boy last night, I called Scarlet for a bit of a pep talk. I still had some wine leftover from Scarlet's and my weekend wine binge, and I figured I would need to dip pretty heavily into that in order to muster up the courage to make the first move.

The evening got off to a pretty normal start. We ate dinner. We talked. We watched a movie. Although at some point during the movie I realized we were cuddling, and I thought to myself, 'Maybe I'm better at this seduction thing than I thought...' which is apparently true, because in the end, I didn't have to make the move. He went in 90%, I finished the 10. Yes!!!! And there was no creepy heavy breathing! And he didn't even try to chew my lips off with his teeth! Jackpot! (oh, dear, my standards have become very low, haven't they?)

So don't worry, Grayer, you don't have to stage an intervention of any kind. While nothing has changed in that he's still moving in about a month and one of my iron-clad dealbreakers is distance, that doesn't mean fun can't be had. I know I said I would just say no to imaginary boyfriends this year, but this is a Friends with Benefits situation, which is entirely different. An imaginary boyfriend is a boy you keep waiting to declare himself your boyfriend, whereas a friend with benefits understands the non-relationship aspect of the relationship. It's quite simple, really.

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.