Stress relief

I know I've been MIA on the blogging front lately. Please understand that I'm finishing up grad school and I have found writing a thesis on a tight deadline to be the single most stressful thing I've ever experienced. Two and a half years have come down to two and a half weeks and I'm pushing myself to the limits. I'm taking some time off this evening to update you on my current non-thesis related situation, because honestly, my life feels like a mess right now.

Conrad and I have been pseudo-dating for a few months now, but recently our relationship has changed. I don't know if this change is for better or worse and it has left me confused and disappointed I suppose.

In the last few weeks, Conrad and I have both been really stressed. Obviously I'm consumed with my thesis, while he's being bogged down by a very demanding class, teaching 3 lab sections, and doing his own research. We're busy people so it's not surprising that we don't see each other as often as before, however, we also seem to handle stress in entirely different ways. And let's just say these ways don't exactly mesh.

I don't like to admit this, but my stress has left me in a fragile state. I need some emotional support, I need encouraging words, I need hugs, and I need stress-relief (if you know what I mean!). In general, stress just makes me act like a girl, and I HATE acting like a girl. Conrad is the opposite. He needs alone time and his own space (I think it has something to do with being an only child). He has stopped being affectionate towards me and our physical relationship no longer exists (if we were actually together I would think he was cheating on me, but I know he's not involved with anyone else). Of course, this sudden change makes me act like a girl and question our pseudo-relationship. When asked, he says he has too many things on his mind. When given the chance to just be friends, he says it's not necessary, he just has too many things on his mind.

You may see why this has left me so confused. When we are together, he seems to really enjoy being with me and acts very much the same, minus the make out sessions. Though he rarely initiates our time together, we're still having a lot of fun. It just doesn't seem like he wants to get out. For example, when I jokingly told him he had to accompany me to the 12:01 showing of New Moon, a territory where only dedicated/whipped boyfriends dare to enter, he agreed as if it were his boyfriendy duty. On the other hand, I'm not an idiot. I've read the book, and if a guy isn't physically interested in you, he just not that into you. I know that. However, he still insists this is just how he gets when stressed out.

The good news is, we're talking about it. We've agreed we handle stress differently and are trying to do better. I'm being sure to give him his space, while he's being more supportive of me. Although this is bothering me, and it is not good for my ego (girls aren't supposed to be rejected!), I don't really think it's a bad thing. This issue has definitely brought our relationship down a notch, just when I was starting to worry that I would miss him when I leave.

As this is just one more frustration to add to the list of frustrations in my life right now, I know he's not worth it. At the same time, he still makes me laugh a lot and is a great distraction. Mostly I think I'm just disappointed with myself that he even has an effect on me. Why the hell do I care, anyways? Gahhh, I hate being a girl!