Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Disappearing Act

As I mentioned in my answer to last week's Question of the Week, my biggest dating pet peeve is the disappearance. Sadly, I've been a victim of the disappearance. Remember The Heavy Breather? Yup, he was the guilty party. And before I smear his reputation, let me just say that overall, he's a very good guy. But as we all know far too well, fuckwittage can happen to good people.

After we had been seeing each other for just over a month (both on the rebound, remember) The Heavy Breather started to annoy me. His lame jokes were no longer cute, they were groan inducing, and I suddenly realized that he had this horribly annoying habit of saying "Well, if it makes you feel any better..." after I said anything that was slightly negative or complaining (or even if I wasn't, it was really weird. Come to think about it, maybe he was trying to steer the conversation back to himself?) But I decided to give him one more chance not to annoy me. Only then he disappeared. He stopped calling. He was suddenly busy. The last straw was when he suggested getting together on a particular Friday night, then five minutes later, he told me that Friday night really wasn't good for him. Excuse me? So I told him to quit being a fuckwit (and yes, I used that term, he told me later he had to look it up in the urban dictionary).

In order to give you all the details, here is the conversation Scarlet and I had just after this happened, saved forever thanks to gmail. (And yes, all our conversations are this fascinating.)

V: I have serious news for you
it's about The Heavy Breather
S: oh?
V: oh yes
So he emails me today and asks what I want to do on Friday, so I tell him
I suggest a movie, and I even send him a link to the showtimes and the theaters in which it is playing
I did all the work
so he emails me back (this is all within a few hours) and tells me he doesn't think he has time for a movie, maybe just some ice cream or maybe not at all and maybe hanging out on Friday is just a bad idea
WTF?!?!?!
S: why did he even bother to email you
V: I don't know
S: he could have just let it go...it would have been less awkward
V: oh there's more
so I'm checking my e-mail before Ugly Betty, and he dinks me to tell me he's sorry again about tomorrow night
I said ok
then he says he thought he'd have more time, but there's things he needs to talk to me about
so I borrowed a phrase from Bridget Jones and did something I've never ever done before, and told him it seemed like complete fuckwittage
S: HAHAHA
V: thank you
S: and his response?
V: I believe he was quite shocked
S: by the way...well played
V: thank you very much
S: it was time to either address his so called fuckwittage or to get your stuff and end all contact
V: then I told him, Let me get this straight. You disappear. Then you make plans for Friday. THen you email me to ask me what I want to do on Friday (with no qualifiers) then you tell me you don't know if you even have time to hang out at all
COMPLETE FUCKWITTAGE!
Honestly, when I got his email response, I was seething
S: yeah I would be
he is such a tease
...
V: So he sent me an apology email, and I'm working on the response
...
S: he didn't respond to your comment explaining his fuckwittage?
V: "To b completely honest, I've been meaning to hang out with you for a while, if for no other reason than because I want to talk with you about a few things and I want us to be able to remain friends -- I'm hoping that I haven't completely screwed up the latter."
his words, by the way
S: so basically he only wants to hang out with you to say that he doesn't want to date you anymore and he wanted it to be something quick so he can get it over with and be on his way
V: well, yes
S: good way to initiate that friends thing
V: right
by ignoring me for three weeks
I'm trying to think of a plan of rebuttal
S: gotta say...I would have never guessed he could be such a jerk
do you really think he wants to be friends with you?
V: I actually do
...
he's ignored me, but on the rare occasion that I have talked to him, he's all friendly and stuff
S: yeah but that could be just because at heart he is a nice guy
V: right
underneath all the fuckwittage
****

The thing is, I knew he was dating someone else, and I didn't really care. He is a serial monogamist (this happened only about a year ago, and he has had two serious girlfriends in that time.), and I was, as I am known to do, about to leave the country for an extended period of time, so we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Why did he feel the need to avoid me? It only made things worse.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Tunes for the Imaginary Boyfriend

Ah, the Imaginary Boyfriend. No one else causes more agony and heartbreak, and therefore, there is no shortage of songs about this elusive man. Clearly we are not the only ones who have fallen victim to his charms, as evidenced by the number of times we've been listening to the radio in the car, and suddenly yell, "Oh my God! I could have written this song!" So without further ado...

Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy
F*cking Boyfriend- The Bird and the Bee
We Get On- Kate Nash
The False Contender- Camera Obscura
Inside and Out- Feist
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing- Jack Johnson
Hot N Cold- Katy Perry
I Want You to Want Me- Cheap Trick/Letters to Cleo
Words Cannot Describe- Mirah
I Thought you were my Boyfriend- The Magnetic Fields
Take me or Leave me- Magic Numbers
Undecided- Magic Number
Hold the line- Toto
Stay- Sugarland
Letter Read- Rachel Yamagata

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

WWBD about impending spinsterhood during the holiday season?

The holiday season is quickly approaching. This time of the year can be especially hard for us singletons. (Smug marrieds are in their prime and your family probably wants to know why you are still single.) You may be wondering “What would Bridget do if she was single and alone over the holidays?”

  1. Do not allow smug marrieds to address you with an air of superiority. Mingle and flirt at holiday parties. If a smug married draws attention to your impending spinsterhood, point out the freedom this allows. Singletons are not encumbered by in-laws. We don’t have to worry about spending Christmas with “his” family when we’d rather be with ours!
  2. There is strength in numbers. Meet with your single friends at a bar* and have a singleton peep rally of sorts. Hoorah for Singletons!
  3. Get a bottle of wine (or two). Drink it.* Write the Christmas cards you have been putting off to all your friends. (For best results follow this suggested order…however, you may want to write to your Grandmother and Barack Obama at another time.) This is also a fun activity to do with a friend.
  4. Allow yourself a night of self pity. It is OK on occasion!
  5. Make a list of empowering, feminist New Years resolutions. Break every one.

*Please do not drink irresponsibly.

Impending Spinsterhood: Fighting fate

Nothing says spinster like crocheting with a cat in your lap. This is exactly how I found myself Friday evening, working on a new scarf with my feline child cozied up watching the yarn. Although this is a relaxing activity after a long week, it made me feel very alone...and old. My impending spinsterhood is sad enough, I did not need yet another reminder of this.

So I made a decision. I was going to meet someone. After a few phone calls, a shower, sexy underpants and a little makeup (all for confidence), my plan was in motion. I was able to get a couple of my non-lame (i.e. non-smug married) friends to go out to for a few drinks. After those few drinks, I was talking and flirting my way around the Foosball table and dart board. Such competitions are a great way to meet boys and I highly recommend them.

By the end of the night, I had met a guy. He was cute, my age, from out of town, and I can't remember his name. I don't think this will go anywhere, and I don't really care, it just felt good to be out with a purpose. Being surrounded by boys (even if I was accusing hippies of cheating) was also somehow a confidence booster. You'll never meet anyone sitting at home.

On the upside, one of my newer friends who went out with me is possibly a Friends with Benefits in the making. He even offered to be my wingman anytime, as he walked me home. That works for me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Question of the Week

A new Monday tradition?

Here's a tough one. Who would you choose? And you can only choose ONE.


Edward Cullen from Twilight

OR

Jim Halpert from The Office


Wow, that's a tough one.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Tunes for the Heartbroken

In honor of Greenley's recent break-up, here's a Playlist for the Broken Up. Note that this is a break-up playlist, not the cheating bastard playlist (which would be a whole different list), and therefore goes through the stages of parting ways. Starts out gut-wrenchingly sad, moves on to revenge and anger, then acceptance and moving on. It is by no means a complete list, so please add to it.


Let it Die- Feist
Wake Up Alone- Amy Winehouse
I'm a Broken Heart- The Bird and the Bee
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart- Al Green
Don't speak- No Doubt
Love is a Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Not Big- Lily Allen
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Little Miss Obsessive- Ashlee Simpson
I Can do Better- Avril Lavigne
Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
You oughta know- Alanis Morisette
Hold the line (love isn't always on time)- Toto
Breathe In Breathe Out- Matt Kearney
Breakin' Up- Rilo Kiley

Next: Tunes for the Imaginary Boyfriend

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thanks, but no

Most of the time, I'm perfectly fine being single. No one to answer to, free to come and go as I please, yada yada yada.

Unfortunately, this week has not been one of those days.

Maybe it was passing on relationship advice to McNerdy. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm unknowingly attracting men, it's just that they are all so very wrong.

Way back in college, I had a brief stint at the radio station, calling baseball games (and a few ill-advised soccer games, a sport about which I know next to nothing). The head of the sports department was a serious sports radio guy. He knew his sports and he knew his radio. I barely knew him, and for a short time, but I thought he was a little weird. First of all, he was already going bald in college, and second, he talked in a radio announcer voice, even if he wasn't on the radio. It's as if he never signed off.

Last year, through that great social networking site facebook, he found me. He quickly became a devoted writer on my wall, loyal follower of my travel blog and travel photos, and made it entirely necessary for me to permanently disable facebook chat.

Last night, I mentioned via the facebook that I needed help sorting through over 2,000 photos to find the 100 best. He commented on my status 3 times within 15 minutes, and then- to my horror- sent me a list of 60- count 'em, 60- photos from my picture website that he liked the best. Within an hour. By name. The sad part is, I'm not even entirely sure which photos he's talking about and I'm the one that took them.

Question: Is it necessary to unfriend him, or should I just ignore?

The second one isn't creepy so much as cute. He's chubby, red-headed, and freckle-faced. His arm is in a neon green cast. He's also 11-years old, with a sixth-grade crush on his teacher, and I happen to be that teacher. Actually, I'm his tutor. I'm also the tutor to other students, but he's done as much as he can to claim me as his own personal tutor. He follows me everywhere. I mean, literally, if I take a step backward, I will step on him. I'm doing my best to be sure I give my attention to other students. Don't want to lead the little guy on.

Where, oh where is my Jim Halpert? My own personal McDreamy? Or even just a Mr. Right Now until one of them comes along?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The men of online dating

Lets face it once we enter the real world (aka the post college years) there are fewer opportunities to meet single men. While some women are advocates of meeting men at bars, I find that I’m somewhat turned off by drunk guys hitting on me. So a while back I decided to try online dating. I figured that at the very least it would be amusing and I’d have some good stories. In theory I think that online dating is an excellent idea but sadly in practice I found that a majority of the guys fit into one of three categories.
  1. The Socially Awkward. Online dating is, of course, the best medium for the socially awkward man. These men are usually harmless but it may be difficult to hold a conversation with them. Phone calls and dates with these men are plagued with awkward pauses. Be prepared to carry the conversation and try not to look at your watch too much. The socially awkward is often synonymous with the “never been had” (coined by Grayer). On the up side, men in this category are not likely to use up many of your guapo points!
  2. God’s Gift to Women. Men in this category are typically overly confident and immature. As God’s gift to women they feel that it is their duty to play the field and date as many women as possible. Often their profiles include shirtless pictures and sexually suggestive comments. (Some are more subtle than others. This category also includes the type of guy who would include a joke like “No, that’s not a banana in my pocket. I’m just that excited to see you.” in his profile.) Over inflated egos may result in unrealistically high expectations. Don’t be offended if one of these men rejects you. He is doing you a favor. Do not waste guapo points on God’s gift to women. I had a conversation with God and he said you can do better!
  3. The Work Obsessed. Perhaps the most illusive and unpredictable men of online dating are the work obsessed. In my experience these men would appear to be most normal of the online dating pool. They are also the least responsive but when they do write their messages are witty and interesting (just enough to fuel your daydreams and keep you coming back for more). The work obsessed joins an online dating service because they don’t have time to meet anyone. Unfortunately, they have trouble adjusting their priorities to make time for a girlfriend. In the unlikely event that the work obsessed commits to a date, be prepared for heartache. Even if the date goes well there is a danger that the work obsessed will choose something else over you. These men are my weakness. The optimist in me still believes that for the right girl the work obsessed would alter his priorities somewhat.

I am taking a break from online dating (it is very time consuming), but I encourage you to try it for yourself. It is not nearly as taboo as it once was and it allows you to take a more proactive stance on dating. However, be prepared to sift through a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now if that is your objective.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Here's to You

No one wants to see a friend go through a breakup, even if they never cared for the guy who broke her heart in the first place. So here is my tribute to my best friend (and every girl in general), who may be having a hard time now, but who has so many good times ahead.

First and foremost, you are a catch. Your outgoing, funny, witty and absolutely beautiful inside and out. I can not think of one thing you couldn't do if you were so inclined (yes, this includes a graduate degree in biology). His supposed artistic brilliance does not skim the shining surface of your creativity, general knowledge and random facts. You play the guitar, you know wilderness CPR, you can lecture me on anything from grass-root politics to bluegrass music. Your infectious personality has shaped a lifetime of experiences for me. I am so proud to have you as my "hot friend." Any guy who can't see what you are, is an absolute idiot (to put it nicely).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are better off without him. You deserve the absolute best and he, my dear, is not it. You need someone bright, funny, athletic and outdoorsy, someone who has a big enough personality to match the strong personality you possess. Who will take part in the things you love, not just be proud of you for doing them. One that will embrace your carefree spirit and your crazy ideas, and never ask you to be anything but exactly who you are. Who will hold your hand, be romantic, tell you that you're beautiful, and cuddle afterwards. You deserve someone who deserves you and he was not that.

I know it hurts right now and I wish I could make that stop. I would cheerfully hit him with a 2x4 for you if that would help. But you'll tough it out, you always have. Please remember you have a family who loves you, friends who adore you, and a dog that worships you. I've heard that maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. This maybe true, for I absolutely love you. I can not wait to continue growing up with you. To take family vacations to Disney world with husbands who will not only share our enthusiasm for corny overlycrowded chaos, but will be running to the next ride with a kid on his shoulders. They are out there. We just haven't met them yet. Until then, let's hit the road, see the world, kiss the locals, laugh until we cry, drink our weight and love every minute of it.

So let's raise our glasses, to the boys who come and go, and girls, who stay forever.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

And the winner of the Nobel Peace Price in Imaginary Boyfriend relations goes to...

I deserve a medal or something.

Yesterday, I had the option to screw over my ex-imaginary boyfriend in a big way. I didn't. I helped him.

I got a message yesterday that every girl dreads receiving from an imaginary boyfriend. Mere weeks ago, it would have sent me running under the covers, only to emerge for hydration, ice cream, and the bathroom, eyes swollen shut from crying too much. It read, "I need girl advice."

Instead of going into sugar shock, I simply asked him how I could be of service. I mean, no one knows his mistakes in love and war more than me. He sent me a simple outline of his current problem, which is a bit of a pickle. Essentially, he meets girl #1, who he really likes, only girl #1 has a boyfriend, so she introduces him to her friend, girl #2, whom he also likes, but not quite as much as girl #1. Girl #2 admits her feelings for him just as he finds out girl #1 is now single. He said he would call me for discussion.

While I waited for his phone call, (something I'm well practiced in) I realized that I had the opportunity to screw him over. And who would blame me? I could tell him to go after both girls (jerk) or, better yet, forget about them, but I didn't. I realized that I have zero interest in him anymore romantically (wooooo hooooooo!), even if it stings initially to hear that he digs another girl like he dug me once upon a time.

It was a bizarre experience, having a lengthy phone conversation about his love life, but it really wasn't that painful. I was scathingly honest with him. He wouldn't have called me if he wasn't looking for honesty. And I did tell him that my initial reaction was to call both these girls and warn him, because he sucks at this. I told him if he would always wonder what could have been if he just told #1 how he felt, he couldn't just "settle" for #2, even if she's quite the catch. Unfortunately for him, these girls are good friends, which will most likely leave him out in the cold. We girls know we can't go out with a friend's crush.

And when it was over, I was still standing. I wasn't crying, or shaking, or breaking out in a cold sweat. I didn't feel sick to my stomach, or like curling up and dying. In fact, I was happy that he called on me. See, McNerdy doesn't like to talk about his personal life, (which is one reason I never knew what our status was) so I'm quite proud that I was the one he called upon to help out in this situation.

Besides, I'm sure I'm prettier than either of them.

Friday, November 7, 2008

So, are you seeing anyone?

Let's discuss the collective Singleton's single greatest nemesis. It is not the fuckwit boyfriend. Not the commitment phobic egotist. Not the heart wrenching Imaginary boyfriend, disgusting PDA or utterly pathetic Valentine's Day. It is perhaps, a very old friend, a close colleague, or a sister. It is the dreaded, annoyingly "happy", Smug Married.

For clarification, the Smug Married does not have to wear a ring. This just refers to a person who is in a long-term relationship, who believes everyone needs a relationship to be happy. I am friends with these people, however, I despise these people. If a couple of my friends ask me one more time, why I don't have a boyfriend, I will literally punch them in the mouth. If they feel the need to explain to me how they really need to see their long distance significant, because "people in relationships like to see each other," I may have to stab them with a pencil. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean I don't know what one is, idiot.
Their are two types of Smug Marrieds, the ones that feel sorry for you, and the ones that want to live vicariously through you. (I seem to have a knack for categorizing). But no matter the type, all smug marrieds are the same. They all find themselves in superior status, of having someone to share life with. (Until they receive the divorce papers)

  1. The Pitiers- These Smug Marrieds, can not understand how you can survive day to day, utterly and pathetically alone. While catching up with your lives, the first and only thing they will ask you, is if you're seeing anyone. If not, they quickly lose interest, have a hard time making conversation, as if you have nothing in common. Fear of the unknown drives them away, as if singledom is a contagious disease. They may suggest ideas such as internet dating, a single's dance at the firehall, they're great-aunts ex-son-in-law who just got out of prison, anything to save you from this treacherous doom. They can probably only hear your biological clock ticking as you tell them of a new nephew, a big promotion...a sex change. But what else matters if you don't have a boyfriend?
  2. Vicarious Vultures- This group is interesting. They claim they are ridiculously happy in their 7 year relationship (going nowhere), yet they fill they're fantasies by hearing about yours. (This is considerably more sad when you consider how, like me, you're seeing very little action these days). They ask you how your love life is, because they lack the excitement in their own. They want to hear every detail of a random hookup, a steamy makeout session, an innocent flirtation because they can not go through it themselves. They confide in you, that sometimes they wish they were single, and then they get engaged two weeks later. But living through you makes it ok, makes them feel like they were young and wild, even if they only ever watch TV with the "loves of their lives." Basically, they look to you to slut it up, for they are otherwise unable to.
Do not let these fools bring you down. No relationships are required to be happy, to have fun, to lead a fulfilled life. I would much rather be alone, than to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. If only everyone was as brilliantly insightful as me...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

"Lo siento SeƱorita, no amor para ti"

A couple weeks ago, I tested out a love spell to see if anything would happen. It's been almost two weeks, and I can confidently report that this particular love spell is a bust. Nothing, nada, zilch.

But is it the love spells failure, or my lack of guapo points?

My guapo points theory is my explanation for my recent dry spell in the romance department. Earlier this year, while traveling, I had a bit of a fling with a chico muy guapo in South America. He was everything I never go for, the complete opposite of my type. (Guapo is Spanish for hottie.) The ladies even gave him the nickname "Guapo." He taught me how to dance the salsa (earning him the nickname "McSalsa") and even made it necessary to coin the phrase "lip molestation." Obviously, it was short-lived, but we had a week, which is more than some people get in a lifetime. (Dramatic/Sarcastic sigh)

The year got off to a red-hot start, but ever since? Zero, nada, zilch. Which made me start to wonder. Normally, I go for cute, nerdy guys. Not dungeons and dragons nerds, Weezer nerds. Last year, I exclusively dated guybrarians (and not on purpose). I've sworn them off for the time being. But like dating the captain of the football team, what if Guapo/McSalsa was a bit out of my league and I used up all my hypothetical guapo points?

Let's say I get 25 guapo points in a year. Men are assigned a point value, based not on their character, but on their WOW factor: Half a point being Dungeons and Dragons types who still live in their mom's basement, and 25 being the guy that give women whiplash when they walk by. Therefore, Jim Halpert is probably "only" a 10, because, while he is obviously painfully adorable, most of his perfection lies in his sweetness and sense of humor. Brad Pitt, meanwhile, is a 25 due to his outright hotness.

Guapo was around a 23. Seriously. Therefore, I only have two guapo points left in the year, and do I really want to stoop so low? Am I really that desperate? Ask again in a month, but I surely hope not.

"But what about those girls that seem to go from one guapo to another?" I'm glad you asked. Those girls, through a deal with The Devil, have been awarded hundreds of guapo points. As a result, they don't have many girlfriends, and therefore do not participate on this blog.

The Guapo Points Theory (GPT) may have been invented as a way to make me feel better about my lack of excitement, but I think it makes perfect sense.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Billion Year Old Broken Heart Club

Oh heartbreak... What a terrible and restless feeling. Like trying to reach the shallow end of a monster community pool, where you know the bottom will be within big toe reach any second now but the nervous desperate exhaustion scares the pee out of you and the only option is to keep paddling and glance towards the unfocused life guard. It's that feeling- that nervous desperate exhaustion- that characterizes me these days. I can't shake it. I want something completely unobtainable, something I know I should ignore and forget about. Terribly enough, I often view myself as unworthy and easily forgotten- but I know this is a fabrication of my depression during my positive moments.

So what do I do? Is this just a phase I need to work through, like unemployment or finals week? Will my desperation go away? Will I ever stop staring at my phone from 10-10:30 pm- looking at past text messages and willing a phone call?

I'm trying the overworking plan, two jobs and mega hours. It works during the day. I'm also trying the over-exercising under-eating plan, that at least makes me feel sexy which leads me to wonder if he would think I looked good. I've even tried break-up shopping. I'm drinking and partying more as well. Next I think I'll of moving into heavy drugs or adrenaline pumping behaviors. I'll wait on that though, they cost money and are quite dangerous.

When did this desperate reaction start? Could I now be a part of the billion year old broken heart club? If so, what did cave women and monkeys do when their man said he needed space and didn't want to be their caveman or monkeyman anymore? Are their any hieroglyphics that tell the secret to a broken heart? Could there be a natural remedy from the Native Americans we have yet to tap into? Maybe the vikings have some vicious tradition against such sad times.

What do we ladies do now? I hate gritting my teeth and dealing. Who wants patience in a time like this. I need immediate gratification with long term effects (positive effects please). What options do we have other than promiscuous rebound dating and ignoring the situation all together and playing imaginary girlfriend to an absent boy?

Feel free to comment and suggest. I need all the ugly and sarcastic help I can get.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Proud graduates of the Abstinence Academy for Slutty Girls

The following message does not reflect the views of WWBD? and is solely the opinion of the author.


I recently rediscovered a great video blog, The Midwest Teen Sex Show. As the name implies, it may be directed at teens, but you don't have to be a teen to enjoy it. It is downright hilarious (although I have to admit the last episode, #20, is the weirdest one I've seen yet, and definitely not my favorite, so be sure to check out the others) and I really admire them for getting information out there for teens. MTSS doesn't play the abstinence only education game- just ask Sarah Palin how well that works- they educate, and I applaud them for it. I mean, seriously. If you leave someone alone, and tell them that absolutely under no circumstances are they to push the button, what is the only thing they are going to want to do as soon as your back is turned? Push the button! If they're going to do it, they're going to do it, so you may as well give them some condoms. Which is exactly what MTSS does!