Denial. It isn't just a river in Egypt. Its a freakin' ocean.

I'm not really sure how it happened but somehow over the course of the past few months I've entered into an imaginary relationship. The problem is that I don't know how to get out of it. I know, I know it is quite simple. I have the power to break it off and not accept fuckwittage. In fact, that was one of my New Years Resolutions. This is all v. good in theory but in practice it is freakin' hard. Because yes I suspect I'm in love with my imaginary boyfriend.

At the beginning, this thing with MM seemed to have so much potential. After dates he would send me messages thanking me or telling me how much fun he had. We always had fun and laughed when we were together. We talked almost everyday and saw each other 3 or 4 times a week. However, after awhile we came to the conclusion that we weren't really at the same place. I wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready to take that step because he had just recently come out of a really bad relationship. However, since we both really liked each other and weren't ready to end it, we decided to continue seeing each other. I think this is when he officially stopped being a guy I was dating and became my imaginary boyfriend.

While MM wasn't ready to add a label to the relationship and he admitted that he was having some commitment problems, we had agreed that we wouldn't see other people while we were dating. It wasn't exactly the same thing as being in an "exclusive" relationship but it gave me some confidence in him. I decided to give him time. How much time will I give him you ask? I really don't know the answer to that. Perhaps I'll get a case of Fenella's rage and cut him off at some point?

We had another discussion about where we were before he left the country on business for a month and a half and unfortunately nothing has changed. MM told me that doesn't want to hurt me and he wants to be with me but he doesn't know when he will be ready to fully commit to me. He said that he felt like an ass and he doesn't want to be stringing me along when I clearly want something more. Since he was leaving in a few weeks we decided to continue hanging out till he left and then take a "break". The plan was that we would both think about what we want and then reevaluate things when he returned. In the mean time there was no reason that I shouldn't be able to see other people since he wasn't ready to commit to me.

The thing is that I don't actually WANT to see other people. Despite our problems there is just something about MM and I that works. MM gets me. I know guys can never truly understand girls but he notices little things about me that other people don't. He understands that I take his sarcastic comments seriously not because I don't know he is being sarcastic but because it amuses me. MM defends me. He admires me and encourages me to have more confidence in myself. MM cares about me. He is understanding and doesn't push me to do anything that I'm not comfortable with. And most importantly he makes me laugh.

So I continue, perhaps naively, to have hope that things will work out. Since MM has been gone he has been emailing me consistently. He tells me that he misses cuddling with me and the smell of my hair. That he didn't watch a movie with coworkers because he wanted to wait and watch it with me. He shares little mundane details about his days. MM talks about an "us" in the future.

I know Violet and Grayer are cynics and will tell me to get over him and move on. And they would probably be right. But the thing is I'm a romantic and even while I steady myself for the worst when he returns, deep down I want to believe my imaginary boyfriend will turn into a prince.

What Would Bridget Do: Exam Edition

So I thought since Violet has a v. important test tomorrow that she may have been thinking to herself "What would Bridget do if she had a v. important test tomorrow?" Well here is my version of things...feel free to make up your own.

1. Sign up for test. (Hoorah! You have completed this step! Move on to step 2.)
2. Gather studying materials. (If you surround yourself by them maybe you will absorb information through osmosis.)
3. Sit down to study.
4. Correct flat feng shui as cannot study effectively without the right balance. Consult self help books re: feng shui.
5. Check to see if you have miss any calls. Decide not to call Scarlet for hourly update because of v. important test.
6. Consult multiple horoscopes till you find the one that tells you tomorrow is an excellent day for test taking.
7. Really must study now!!
8. Daydream about Duke Logan and the Highlander fighting over you in a soap opera type setting. (Make a note to revisit this daydream later.)
9. Research methods of reducing test anxiety.
10. Check to see if Scarlet called or emailed to report on latest date with MM.*
11. Decide that studying is v. exhausting.
12. Congratulate self on a productive evening of studying and go to bed. Afterall don't they always say the most important thing is that you are well rested?

*Note: Yes, I am still dating MM (Meetup Matt) and apart from a brief commitment phobe setback things are going quite well.

Dating Etiquette

I’ve been dating The Engineer for about a month now and things seem to be going well. I admit that I had a brief commitment phobic setback last week following an uncomfortable conversation in which he asked me about my past relationships. I changed the subject…while I don’t really have anything to hide, I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation yet and especially not in a public place. When we do have that conversation I will have to admit that, while I have dated, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I feel this is a bit out of the norm for a girl in her mid-twenties and I’m somewhat self-conscious about it. Is it possible for the lack of relationship baggage to be just as weighty? Afterward, I found myself questioning whether I’m really into him or if my interest is partly related to my three year drought. I have since recovered from this setback and decided that it was likely more related to my fear of entering into unknown territory than my interest in The Engineer.

As part of the same conversation The Engineer very hesitantly and awkwardly asked me if I was bothered by our age difference. (He is about four years older than me.) Considering that I knew his age before I met him, I thought the answer was kind of obvious but I assuaged his concerns. As a result of this conversation, I learned that his birthday is this month. Which of course raises the question, do I get him a gift? If so what is an appropriate gift to give someone you have only been dating a month? What would Bridget do? I was thinking about getting him a movie that we talked about and we both want to see. I would welcome any advice.

My name is Grayer..and I'm a closet commitment phobe

Be prepared, I'm going deep on this one.

I've recently been advised, by the great ladies of WWBD?, to figure out where my hanging out relationship is going exactly. Hanging Out Guy grows on me every time I see him, but to have an actual conversation about what this thing we're doing is? Ugh. That sounds awful. The problem is, is that I'm not ready for that type of commitment. (Yes, I do realize that I often have the emotions of a man). I'm not ready to stop seeing him, but I'm definitely not ready to call him my boyfriend. Therefore, I would have no answer for him. And seeing that an Imaginary Boyfriend (what this is quickly turning into) is the worse scenario possible, I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I can think of many excuses as to why I'm ok with where we are right now, but that's just what they are: excuses. In reality, it comes down to one thing, just like it has every in any other pseudo-relationship: poor timing. Every time I've ever met someone worth my time, there has always been a looming change, usually in the form of a move, in the near future. So from the very beginning I have known or at least I have planned, that these relationships weren't going anywhere. Why fully invest yourself into something with no future? It's happening all over again with Hanging Out Guy as I will definitely be graduating and most likely be moving within this calendar year.

So the question is, why does this always happen to me? Is it karma? We all know karma is a bitch, and let's face it, I've done some shit. Is karma preventing me from meeting a guy when I actually have time to invest into a guy? Or is it me? Do I only allow myself to be emotionally available when I know nothing can come out of it? Am I... a closet commitment-phobe?

I may be getting ahead of myself with this particular case, but historically speaking, there is strong evidence for this correlation. It would explain a lot. In my defense, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I wonder if there's a support group for this sort of thing...

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.