Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken

It's over....

For some time now I've known (and you've known) that it was just a matter of time before things with MM would end. Before he left for his business trip, it was fun. Even though I wasn't always happy with where things were going, I always laughed and had a good time when I was with him. The relationship hadn't fully run it's course. I felt like I needed to see it through to the end. (I mean you don't stop reading a good book three fourths of the way though, right?) On top of that, with how awful my job has been, I needed MM. We had become codependent, much like Violet and I. When I was having a bad day at work, I could text or email him and he would be supportive and cheer me up.

Well, after talking consistently while he was gone, MM returned from his business trip last week. I knew from the tone of his emails over the last few weeks, things weren't going to be the same when he returned. We hung out and conversation was easy and pretty much the same as always. Despite this everything was all wrong. We couldn't return to the carefree summer months anymore than I could turn off my feelings. I had missed him so much over the month and a half that he was gone. I wanted to cuddle. I wanted a distraction from my issues at work. I wanted some action and I could tell I wasn't going to get it.

After this I started trying to wean myself off of him somewhat. I wasn't going to be a needy girl. I saw him one more time last Sunday. We went to the movies and dinner. The movie was awful. It seemed even more strained than the last time. I think I needed this to really start letting go and move on. He kissed me goodnight, but it wasn't a passionate kiss. More out of habit than anything else. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be disinterested.

I really thought that I'd accepted that the end was here but, after a gut wrenching bout of food poisoning, here I sit feeling sorry for myself because I have no plans this weekend and I haven't heard from MM since Sunday. I'm listening to "Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken" by Camera Obscura and thinking "Is anyone ever REALLY ready to be heartbroken?" I really miss what MM and I had. I miss how easy it was to be with him. I miss our friendship. I scanned the online dating websites and didn't see anyone that I was even vaguely interested in. I'm honestly terrified that it will be years before I find someone that I'm into as much as I was into MM.

Of course itunes conveniently followed that song up with Carly Simons' version of "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning." You may remember it from Sleepless in Seattle.

When your lonely heart has learned its lesson

You'd be his if only he'd call

In the wee small hours of the morning

That's the time you miss him most of all

At least Carrie Underwood cut me a break with the next song "The More Boys I meet the more I love my dog." I couldn't agree more. So tomorrow I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, and take my dog for a long rejuvenating walk at the park. Maybe she will pick up a hot guy for me?

Well, that was awkward

A great (albeit, often awkward) part of the holiday season is returning home to see the people you've left behind. Until you see the one that you, literally, left behind: the ex-boyfriend. Let's start at the beginning.

It was my senior year of college. I was fully enjoying being single and had no plans to change that. Of course, when you're truly resistant to even the idea of a boyfriend, every male wants to date you (Why is that? Let's file that away for later). Anti-boyfriend and commitment phobic, it was pure accident that I started seeing this guy (previously of The Taken, of course). He was a lot of fun, but that's where it stopped, I saw no future with him. He did not agree. I warned him from the very beginning that this would go no where, that I would be moving. We seemed to have an understanding, or perhaps just a mutual avoidance of the subject. The end of summer loomed, yet I was too selfish to end things. I'd be moving many hours away but I liked him too much and I didn't want to hurt him. It worked for a little while, we saw each other every few weeks, but I started to change. I was loving grad school, the new area, new friends, and was beginning to crush on new boys. And then he did the unthinkable. He offered to move to be with me (8 hours; 1 year in).

I couldn't allow it. When I came home for Christmas it had been previously decided that this would be the last of us. He was understanding. We both wanted what was best for each other. My reasoning was that he'd never be happy in my new home, it was too different. And more than that, I couldn't let him move because I knew that if he did, I'd never be able to get out of the relationship. How do you break up with a guy that moved states away to be with you? So that was it, we were done. We kept in touch and when I was home again six months later we met up for drinks. Our meeting was fine, not awkward at all, just like old friends. But then, he unfriended me on Facebook (a slap in the face, really) and stopped all other communication as well.

Apparently he no longer wanted to be friends, so I was a little nervous to see him at the bar this Thanksgiving. As the night wore on, we decided to sit down and talk, catch up on our lives. All was well for awhile, but his continuous drafts was causing a depressing drunkenness. And a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. The more he talked, the more questions he asked, the more uncomfortable I became. He missed hanging out with a girl, he hadn't had a girlfriend since me, I apparently made him gun shy, and really f%@&ed him up. He said he missed me and I had no response other than fidgeting in my seat. He asked why I wouldn't let him move with me and I gave him the "you wouldn't be happy there" response. He thought he'd be happy anywhere with me. I fidgeted some more. He thought he'd be over me by now. I looked him in the eyes and apologized, it was the only thing I could do, other than fidget. The awkardness ended in a hug and him saying it would be a bad idea to see each other again. Which was probably true.

On the drive back North, I thought about him a lot. I felt awful that I just randomly showed up and wrecked him again. I just thought he'd be over it by now. I had been selfish and even though I told him it would go nowhere, it was my mistake to let it go somewhere and give him false hope. I don't blame him for not wanting to see me again, I pretty much deserve that. As I truly believe in dating Karma, I fear what this break-up has done for mine. Maybe for every heart that one breaks, one is equally heartbroken. It only seems fair.

Tunes for the Heartbroken

In honor of Greenley's recent break-up, here's a Playlist for the Broken Up. Note that this is a break-up playlist, not the cheating bastard playlist (which would be a whole different list), and therefore goes through the stages of parting ways. Starts out gut-wrenchingly sad, moves on to revenge and anger, then acceptance and moving on. It is by no means a complete list, so please add to it.


Let it Die- Feist
Wake Up Alone- Amy Winehouse
I'm a Broken Heart- The Bird and the Bee
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart- Al Green
Don't speak- No Doubt
Love is a Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Not Big- Lily Allen
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Little Miss Obsessive- Ashlee Simpson
I Can do Better- Avril Lavigne
Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
You oughta know- Alanis Morisette
Hold the line (love isn't always on time)- Toto
Breathe In Breathe Out- Matt Kearney
Breakin' Up- Rilo Kiley

Next: Tunes for the Imaginary Boyfriend

Billion Year Old Broken Heart Club

Oh heartbreak... What a terrible and restless feeling. Like trying to reach the shallow end of a monster community pool, where you know the bottom will be within big toe reach any second now but the nervous desperate exhaustion scares the pee out of you and the only option is to keep paddling and glance towards the unfocused life guard. It's that feeling- that nervous desperate exhaustion- that characterizes me these days. I can't shake it. I want something completely unobtainable, something I know I should ignore and forget about. Terribly enough, I often view myself as unworthy and easily forgotten- but I know this is a fabrication of my depression during my positive moments.

So what do I do? Is this just a phase I need to work through, like unemployment or finals week? Will my desperation go away? Will I ever stop staring at my phone from 10-10:30 pm- looking at past text messages and willing a phone call?

I'm trying the overworking plan, two jobs and mega hours. It works during the day. I'm also trying the over-exercising under-eating plan, that at least makes me feel sexy which leads me to wonder if he would think I looked good. I've even tried break-up shopping. I'm drinking and partying more as well. Next I think I'll of moving into heavy drugs or adrenaline pumping behaviors. I'll wait on that though, they cost money and are quite dangerous.

When did this desperate reaction start? Could I now be a part of the billion year old broken heart club? If so, what did cave women and monkeys do when their man said he needed space and didn't want to be their caveman or monkeyman anymore? Are their any hieroglyphics that tell the secret to a broken heart? Could there be a natural remedy from the Native Americans we have yet to tap into? Maybe the vikings have some vicious tradition against such sad times.

What do we ladies do now? I hate gritting my teeth and dealing. Who wants patience in a time like this. I need immediate gratification with long term effects (positive effects please). What options do we have other than promiscuous rebound dating and ignoring the situation all together and playing imaginary girlfriend to an absent boy?

Feel free to comment and suggest. I need all the ugly and sarcastic help I can get.