Well, that was awkward

A great (albeit, often awkward) part of the holiday season is returning home to see the people you've left behind. Until you see the one that you, literally, left behind: the ex-boyfriend. Let's start at the beginning.

It was my senior year of college. I was fully enjoying being single and had no plans to change that. Of course, when you're truly resistant to even the idea of a boyfriend, every male wants to date you (Why is that? Let's file that away for later). Anti-boyfriend and commitment phobic, it was pure accident that I started seeing this guy (previously of The Taken, of course). He was a lot of fun, but that's where it stopped, I saw no future with him. He did not agree. I warned him from the very beginning that this would go no where, that I would be moving. We seemed to have an understanding, or perhaps just a mutual avoidance of the subject. The end of summer loomed, yet I was too selfish to end things. I'd be moving many hours away but I liked him too much and I didn't want to hurt him. It worked for a little while, we saw each other every few weeks, but I started to change. I was loving grad school, the new area, new friends, and was beginning to crush on new boys. And then he did the unthinkable. He offered to move to be with me (8 hours; 1 year in).

I couldn't allow it. When I came home for Christmas it had been previously decided that this would be the last of us. He was understanding. We both wanted what was best for each other. My reasoning was that he'd never be happy in my new home, it was too different. And more than that, I couldn't let him move because I knew that if he did, I'd never be able to get out of the relationship. How do you break up with a guy that moved states away to be with you? So that was it, we were done. We kept in touch and when I was home again six months later we met up for drinks. Our meeting was fine, not awkward at all, just like old friends. But then, he unfriended me on Facebook (a slap in the face, really) and stopped all other communication as well.

Apparently he no longer wanted to be friends, so I was a little nervous to see him at the bar this Thanksgiving. As the night wore on, we decided to sit down and talk, catch up on our lives. All was well for awhile, but his continuous drafts was causing a depressing drunkenness. And a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. The more he talked, the more questions he asked, the more uncomfortable I became. He missed hanging out with a girl, he hadn't had a girlfriend since me, I apparently made him gun shy, and really f%@&ed him up. He said he missed me and I had no response other than fidgeting in my seat. He asked why I wouldn't let him move with me and I gave him the "you wouldn't be happy there" response. He thought he'd be happy anywhere with me. I fidgeted some more. He thought he'd be over me by now. I looked him in the eyes and apologized, it was the only thing I could do, other than fidget. The awkardness ended in a hug and him saying it would be a bad idea to see each other again. Which was probably true.

On the drive back North, I thought about him a lot. I felt awful that I just randomly showed up and wrecked him again. I just thought he'd be over it by now. I had been selfish and even though I told him it would go nowhere, it was my mistake to let it go somewhere and give him false hope. I don't blame him for not wanting to see me again, I pretty much deserve that. As I truly believe in dating Karma, I fear what this break-up has done for mine. Maybe for every heart that one breaks, one is equally heartbroken. It only seems fair.