Abstinence Works! (But who cares?)

Last week, I got an absolutely fabulous gift in the mail from Fenella: an album of our fabulous 10 days together. The album included both pictures (like the one above, seen on our roadtrip) as well as quotes. We thought we would share some of these quotes with you, completely out of context, for your enjoyment. We enjoyed making them.

"I'll make you a meal that will make you wet." -The Cute Neighbor

"I'll get all gooey and want to reproduce." -Violet

"Don't you know how to spread your legs?" -Fenella

"Aching uterus... ah!" -Vi again, can't shake the baby ache!

"Seven years of bad sex? I'm heading towards seven years of no sex..." -Fen, taking the billboard to heart ;)

"Pulsating vibrator" -generated by Mad Libs

"This is random, but... you totally have my permission to make out with McNerdy." -Vi

"Who needs a boyfriend when I have you?" I think Vi to Fen, but it could have been the other way around. There were lots of margaritas involved.

"I really hope he doesn't do something weird, like howl like a werewolf when he comes."

Outer and Prouder

We seem to have a weird tradition starting here at WWBD? First it was Grayer's YFA thinking that she was out and proud. Now, apparently Violet and I are also. Allow me to explain.

Violet and I attended after softball drinks last night. NB: Vi's team stomped the competition. Yay! There was a particular member of their team who was a little on the simple side and is the type of person you laugh at rather than with. Vi and I were sitting next to each other and at one point made the joke that we complete each other's sentences. (Actually, we complete each other.) Then the Cute Neighbor chimed in saying that we communicate without actually speaking to each other. The conversation moved on to whether or not we were both single. Which of course I am and Vi is TBD.

Later that evening when Vi returns home from "getting directions" for our road trip from the Cute Neighbor (an excuse if ever I heard one) she woke me up asking if I wanted to hear something funny. "Always." Was my response. According to the Cute Neighbor after Vi and I had left the bar Simple Simon said that until we mentioned we were both single...he thought we were a couple. Apparently Grayer's not the only one who gives off that lesbian vibe.

Here's to You

No one wants to see a friend go through a breakup, even if they never cared for the guy who broke her heart in the first place. So here is my tribute to my best friend (and every girl in general), who may be having a hard time now, but who has so many good times ahead.

First and foremost, you are a catch. Your outgoing, funny, witty and absolutely beautiful inside and out. I can not think of one thing you couldn't do if you were so inclined (yes, this includes a graduate degree in biology). His supposed artistic brilliance does not skim the shining surface of your creativity, general knowledge and random facts. You play the guitar, you know wilderness CPR, you can lecture me on anything from grass-root politics to bluegrass music. Your infectious personality has shaped a lifetime of experiences for me. I am so proud to have you as my "hot friend." Any guy who can't see what you are, is an absolute idiot (to put it nicely).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are better off without him. You deserve the absolute best and he, my dear, is not it. You need someone bright, funny, athletic and outdoorsy, someone who has a big enough personality to match the strong personality you possess. Who will take part in the things you love, not just be proud of you for doing them. One that will embrace your carefree spirit and your crazy ideas, and never ask you to be anything but exactly who you are. Who will hold your hand, be romantic, tell you that you're beautiful, and cuddle afterwards. You deserve someone who deserves you and he was not that.

I know it hurts right now and I wish I could make that stop. I would cheerfully hit him with a 2x4 for you if that would help. But you'll tough it out, you always have. Please remember you have a family who loves you, friends who adore you, and a dog that worships you. I've heard that maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. This maybe true, for I absolutely love you. I can not wait to continue growing up with you. To take family vacations to Disney world with husbands who will not only share our enthusiasm for corny overlycrowded chaos, but will be running to the next ride with a kid on his shoulders. They are out there. We just haven't met them yet. Until then, let's hit the road, see the world, kiss the locals, laugh until we cry, drink our weight and love every minute of it.

So let's raise our glasses, to the boys who come and go, and girls, who stay forever.

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.