The wedding date

Do you ever have one of those days when you have a day off so you get your haircut and the blow out that follows gives you shiny bouncy hair that is only seen on tv?  Then you practice makeup for your upcoming wedding that gives you the overall "I never look this good!/why don't I always wear makeup and hair product?" feeling so you therefore have to leave the house to be seen?  Yeah, me too.  That's why I'm at Starbucks.  I'm glad I have an iced drink and a Macbook to fit it.  People are probably being distracted by my shiny bouncy hair.  I should stop tossing it around as if I'm in a hair color commercial/having an aneurysm.

To answer your question, yes I do have an actual reason for posting today.  And to answer your other question, yes I have considered taking a picture of myself for my next online dating profile.

Tomorrow is the big day, 8 year Lisa is gettin' hitched!  It seems like it was only 10 years ago when those two lovebirds met.  Some kids really do move fast.  It was only 8 months ago when they got engaged with the most unromantic non-proposal I've ever heard. I'm a bridesmaid tomorrow, but more importantly, I am the makeup artist (which is why I need to practice).  Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.  Such a big deal that I should be there now, doing bridesmaid duties and picking which of his brothers I want to walk me back up the aisle (the cute one, obvi).  But I'm not.  Mostly because of the drama that is my wedding date.  No, I take that back, mostly due to the Crazy that is her entire family.

My wedding date is one of the coolest kids I know.  He's a former student/undergraduate from my grad school days.  The kid looks up to me (figuratively).  I haven't seen him in a year but when he happened to call me as Lisa and I discussed my date options, he seemed like the obvious choice (Especially since Lisa knows and loves him as well).  His exact response was "I do make a fabulous plus one.  What are you wearing? I'll go to Kohl's."  See? Don't you love this guy already?!  Like many, I don't think the kid is straight.  He claims this is because he wears sweaters and has skinny arms.  That may be true.  I'd also add the whole only-friends-with-so-many-girls thing, not to mention the constantly-singing-show-tunes thing.  (He always used to sing "Oh my God, oh my God, you guys" which I much later learned was a verse from Legally Blonde: the Musical...What straight man would sing that?).   I don't care about his sexual preference, all I know is he is my date of choice and definitely not because I'm going to get lucky, he's like a little brother! (Last year he did stay at my place.  As we got into bed he told me he was strictly a little spoon.  He then preceded to ask me my thoughts on Justin Bieber as we drifted off to sleep.  When I didn't have thoughts on the Biebs, he told me I sucked at pillow talk.  We haven't slept together since. And by slept, I do mean sleep).

Let me say, as a bridesmaid, I believe I deserve a date.  Just because I don't have a boyfriend doesn't mean I don't need someone to dance with, or more importantly, someone to hold my clutch while I pee.  Lisa seemed to think this too, until she got around to the guest list, then she just got weird.  I thought it odd when the invitation arrived with both of our names on it.  Seemed a bit much for just a friend.  I thought it really odd when on the inside information sheet it said "We can only accomodate the guest addressed on your invitation."  What they were saying was, you can take this dude but you can't take anyone else.  Umm...what the fuck?  It's one thing if he were my boyfriend and they don't want me bring a random friend instead.  It's another thing when he's a random friend and I can't take anyone else.  What if he bails?  Who will hold my clutch while I pee?  Alright weirdos, I'll let this one go but I think you are all crazies.

This wedding is on Lisa's grandparents farm in the middle of nowhere. So in the middle of nowhere that there's only little Bed & Breakfasts within an hour.  Being a bridesmaid and therefore a big deal, Lisa invited me to stay at "camp" with her the night before.  Awesome, can my date stay there (I have to ask these things because she seems hell-bent on ignoring his existence)?  No, her mother would be uncomfortable with that.  Even with him setting up a tent out in the yard and sleeping alone.  Uncomfortable, she says.  Ummm...what the fuck?  Ok, crazies.

Months ago, Lisa promised her friends they can camp the night of the wedding in the field at her grandparents farm.  It'd be a fun after party and no one will have to worry about driving anywhere.  Since this was an option for Saturday night, and my date was not permitted to be near the family, I asked if my date and I could just camp out in the field the night before.  No, her dad doesn't want anyone in the field.  At all.  Two days before the wedding, her dad (who doesn't even own the farm) decides that no one can stay in the field at all.  What does he think we're going to do out there?  Have a giant orgy?! Does he think it will be the site of the next Woodstock?! You need more than two people for that, weirdo.

The Lisa family, if admitting his existence, appears to be putting a restraining order on my date.  Don't they know that not only do I rely on him for a good time, but I also need him to keep me away from Lisa's older brother (who I may have accidentally made out with once while he was dating his ex-girlfriend)?  No, I suppose they wouldn't know that.  Her family was effective in one thing, and that's keeping me from the wedding activities.  I am now missing the making of the bouquets as well as the rehearsal.  I feel terrible about this but Lisa assures me she doesn't mind and they'll fill me in in the morning.  Let's hope she actually doesn't mind, and won't just be mad about it later.  Don't blame me, blame your wacko parents.

Yet another wedding story

Big news this week.  My best friend in the whole wide world got engaged!  Yay, Greenley!  I'm so excited/happy/not even the teeniest bit jealous.  Her man is awesome and I approve completely.  But back to my other engaged best friend, 9-year-Lisa and her loser fiancee.  I saw her over the weekend for yet another wedding dress fitting for her August wedding. NOTE: If your friend ever offers to make your wedding dress, say NO! What it will save you in money you will lose in parts of your soul.  And when this homemade dress makes you look like a oompa loompa, you will spend more money rush ordering a real one.  Never ever ever let a friend make your wedding dress (unless you are legitimately friends with Vera Wang, in which case...hook me up).  Also, listen to your brilliant and very pretty bridesmaid, who told you this was an awful idea to begin with.  She (and by she, I mean me) loses parts of her soul every time you call her worrying about your stupid dress when you should have just listened to her in the first place because she knows everything about everything, and she's so pretty.  But I digress.

I told Lisa about Greenley's engagement and said "I feel like everyone I know is engaged."  Two close friends, a co-worker friend, and a couple old colleagues from school have all gotten engaged in the past 5 months, so yes, that's everyone.  Or close enough.  It was just a casual statement, a somewhat overly dramatic casual statement.   It did not merit this completely serious response:

"Ya know, Grayer...my cousin...she's not anywhere near getting engaged...she's not even in a relationship...and she's 27...she's older than you."

"Ummm...What's that have to do with anything? I don't know her."

"Just...don't feel bad that you're not engaged."

Hold the phone!?! Was me stating I knew many engaged couples code for secretly crying about not being engaged with everyone else?! I mean, I'm not even in a relationship!? And I'm 26! I'm going to die aloooone!

Yeah, that's not at all what I was thinking when I said that.  But it's good to know that Lisa's thinking it for me.  What a great pretentiously smug married friend she is.  I know she feels bad for me for not being "anywhere near engaged," but I honestly feel bad for her.  I mean, look at her.  She stayed with a complete schmuck for 9 years just so she could get married in an unflattering homemade dress.  I'm sorry, I have a lot of priorities in my life, and being someone's wife is not one of them.

The one with Lisa's thunder

I just visited my good friend and former roommate/colleague, 8-year-Lisa, this past weekend.  Like we do every time we see each other anymore, we A) get drunk and bake irrationally and 2) discuss her Loser of a boyfriend and their seemingly dead-end relationship. I've written about them a couple times over the past couple of years.  They've now been together for 9 years, living together for 6 months and my opinion of them hasn't changed.  They love each other, they don't like each other.

I finally voiced some concerns about them this weekend. (For example, when I ask what the two of them like to do for fun together, she literally had no answer.  That's what I call a concern).   While she considered each one of them, she did not falter in her "In it to win it" mentality.  That girl wants a ring.  For as long as I've known her she's wanted a ring.  However, in the past 3 years she's gone from making up excuses for him not proposing, to trying to be a strong feminist who doesn't need a wedding to prove her self worth.   When she said this I reminded her of a certain Valentine's Day when she pretended she did not care about Valentine's Day and I ended up having to cheer her up after she did not get anything for Valentine's day.  Pretending to not need a marriage would have the same crushing disappointment.  Yes, she wants to get married.  Yes, she wants him to stand up and say "I want to be with you for the rest of my life."   When she finally admitted that, we came to the conclusion that it was time to have yet another talk about their future.  So when I left on Sunday morning, she planned to bring it up soon.

I got a call from her last night.  Here's basically how the first 5 minutes of the conversation went:
8yL: Grayer!  This is the call!  I'm engaged!!! (In a very shrill voice).
G:  No you're not.
This goes back and forth several times.
G: So what are you actually calling me for anyways? (Not to be a bitch, but it was my bedtime).
8yL: I'm En-Gaaaaaged!
And then I believe her (In my defense, her family didn't believe her either).  Here's how shit went down.  Lisa brought up their future and the prospect of marriage.  The Loser said he had been thinking about it.  Discussion continued and climaxed when he said something to the degree of, "So, ya wanna?"  She told him he wasn't doing it right, but by the end of it they were agreed upon one thing, they were engaged.  No ring.  No romance.  No proposal, just a rational discussion.  It's like a fairy tale, isn't it?

I don't mean to be a bad friend.  I'm happy for her, in a if you're happy, I'm happy, sort of way.  When he does get around to getting her a ring, I highly suggested they go pick it out together.  It will be something fun they can do together, and more importantly, he's notorious for buying her hideous jewelry. 

But enough about her, let's focus on what this means for me.  Aside from speculating if I'll be part of the wedding party, or if I will get to help plan a possible fall New England wedding (I have great non-career related aspirations to be a wedding planner), I'm having some weird thoughts.  This is my first close friend to get engaged, and although I'm happy for her and truly do not envy her for it (who would really?) I'm being weird about it.  It's as if Monica and Chandler just got engaged and my first thought is to sleep with Ross.  Seriously.  I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend last night (I haven't talked to him in over a year but today I realized is his birthday, weird!).  I kept thinking about Jonny Fucking Damon all day.  I've been really tempted to text Conrad all night (luckily I forgot my phone at work) and I was just Facebook stalking my ex-Imaginary Boyfriend and his seemingly perfect/skinny/pretty girlfriend.  Ugh.  What is wrong with me?!

Time to let'em loose

You may remember my good friend and current roommate 8-year-Lisa. Yes, she is still with her loser of a boyfriend, who I shall call the Loser-of-8-years. When I first met him, I thought he seemed like a decent and fairly cute guy. However I have observed him, as well as their relationship more and because of this, my opinion has changed. (A) I think he's a douchebag (B) I still think she's an idiot and (C) I don't think they like each other. At all.

(A) Lisa and I have lived together for 4 months now. The Loser has only visited 3 times. Of all of his visits, I have been amazed at the time he either is on his computer, or is in her room (He seriously doesn't leave it!). Doing something social/fun with her friends is always out of the question. Not only does he not want to meet her friends, he also has no interest in anything she does and has refused offers to see the lab in which she works. The Loser still lives at home and has always lived at home. He's 26. One time, he called Lisa with a cooking question. Oh wait, no it wasn't a cooking question, he was asking her how to make speghetti! I swear, this guy does not have a personality. The only reason why I liked him at first, was because he thinks I'm funny. I'm over that, and she should be over him.
(B) Lisa is a funny girl with a great personality and a lot of love to give. She can do so much better. I know she's not a shallow person, but I swear she likes him for his looks (obviously it can't be his personality, because he doesn't have one). When I told her that I had a thing for Conrad her immediate response was "I just don't find him attractive at all." (That was her exact same response as when I told her I had a thing for my ex-Imaginary Bf). Conrad is a fairly good looking guy but I really wasn't attracted to him until I got to know him. Now I think he's HOT. And that's because he's got a funny/smart/goofy personality. Lisa doesn't think like that. She's even gone so far to call the Loser her "Trophy-boyfriend". He's really not that attractive. He's also not that nice of a guy. In the 2+ years that I've known her, every single one of my non-boyfriends (that's right I haven't had a real boyfriend in almost 2 years), has made the Loser-of-8-years look bad! She recently commented that I can get Conrad to do anything for me. It's not that he's so into me that he'll do anything, it's that he's a nice guy and doesn't mind helping out. The Loser is not that kind of guy.
(C) Maybe they're different in private, but I never see any type of affection between them. Not even loving looks. Not even laughter. In fact, I hardly hear them speak to each other. I think I saw them hug once, but that was after not seeing each other for a month. The only thing they seem to do is go out to eat and go to the movies. If you don't really like each other and have been together 8 years, there's only 2 reasons why you're still together 1) It's comfortable and 2) you don't know how to not be with them.

This has been a long distance relationship for almost all of their 8 years (Apparently, the year that she was living in the same town as him and he ignored her even though they were dating, doesn't count). Three years ago, when Lisa started grad school, the Loser was supposed to follow her. He looked for a job (for about a month I'm sure) but had no luck. So he kept on living at his parents. As Lisa's now trying to find a real job, the Loser has agreed to move to the local area with her. He still has yet to look for a job. I'm hoping this will be the breaking point of the relationship. There's no way she can be that much of an idiot to fall for it twice. Wait, can she?

Predator vs. Prey

Smug marrieds. The vain of my existence. The thorn in my side. The pain in my arse. The reason I need new friends.

I was recently out for celebratory margaritas with my two friends, 8-year-Lisa and 2 year Mary. They are not married, but they do have the smug married mindset. Lisa loves to live vicariously through me, a sure Vicarious Vulture asking for all details of a makeout sesh, while Mary is more of a Pitier, feeling sorry for anyone who hasn't found that special someone.
We got to talking about some of our coworkers, including our one friend Nate. He's a really nice guy, who happens to be the one and only single male we work with. Now, we have long since past them trying to get him and I together (Apparently to them, if a single man and a single woman even so much as know each other, then surely they should date for many years. What else is there to do with your life?) but somehow his single status returned to the conversation. Mary, who has a habit of asking dumb questions, asked one of the dumbest I've ever heard.

"Why do you think Nate is single?"

Hold the phone. Now we have to have reasons for being single??? What the hell?!
My response: "There's no reason. Why do you think I'm single?"
The prey immediately knows she is in danger of an attack as she slinks back into her chair. "Um, because you're not currently looking and haven't found anyone yet...." She trails off with a softened voice. The predator eyes her prey, as Lisa swoops into rescue the vulnerable with a joke. Mary stumbles to save herself, begging for her life, mumbling something about people needing time to themselves. Time to be single, to become confident and comfortable with themselves before they can be comfortable with anyone else. My eyes narrow.

Are you freaking kidding me?? This little girl next to me, who happens to be in therapy, is telling me that I need to be more comfortable and confident. Come on. Even the delusional 8-year-Lisa knows this is bogus. "Right, like Grayer needs more confidence." Exactly. I continue to lock eyes with my prey. I taste her fear. I sense her weakness, but slowly I retreat. I have Singletons to represent, so let's not release the crazy in my new favorite Mexican restaurant. Mary may have a point for all those serial monogamist who are never without another half. But I am not that girl. There is no particular reason I am single, I just am. And if I'm ok with that, smug marrieds should be too. What bothers me most about this question is that I can guarantee that in my absence, Mary has asked the exact same question about me.

I had to will myself to back off from pouncing on my prey. No sense in dragging the good Singleton name through the mud. So I sipped my margarita as I chose my words very carefully, in response to her ridiculous accusations.

"That is such a load of crap."

S.A.D.: A reflection

Single's Awareness Day (if you didn't know you're single, you do now) is a revolution taking over the country (ok, maybe just taking over my groups of friends). But this non-holiday should come with a few warnings, which some of us learn the hard way. Here's how I spent my SAD and here is what I learned.

My friend Lisa, who I will now refer to as "8-year-Lisa," was all depressed because surprise, surprise, her loser long distance boyfriend didn't do anything for her for Valentine's day. This is kind of her fault since she sort of told him not to, and then she sent him something, making her feel doubly miserable.
Warning: Do not pretend to not care about Valentine's day, when you actually do care about Valentine's day. You are ensuring disappointment.
Because I'm an awesome friend, I decided to boost her spirits by having people over to my place for a night of boardgames and chocolate martinis (nothing lifts spirits like our beloved chocolate in an intoxicating form). I admit I even drove 15 min to find a liquor store that was still open. It was an emergency!

While we were out, I get a call from my Hanging Out Guy, he had stopped by my apartment and left me something on his way to his friends house. Dammit.
Warning: Firm non-believers of Valentine, should always nonchalantly slip into casual conversation several days in advance that they are in fact, firm non-believers of Valentine. It would prevent awkwardness.
This immediately made me extremely uncomfortable, as I happened to be in Walmart seeing all the paraphernalia, and starting to sweat. Honestly, the blinding pink crap looked like Cupid vomited in the aisles. (Although I did enjoy seeing husbands desperately scanning the shelves at 8 o'clock that night). I forbade Lisa from speaking of this ever again, and silently resolved, that if there was a red stuffed animal of any kind sitting at my door, then I would never see him again.

It was just a box of chocolates. The heartshaped box was unfortunate, but I like chocolate. I decided I could handle, and it went perfectly with my chocolate martinis. (But does it make me a bad person that I'm glad I wasn't there to receive that gift?) It didn't take long for 8-year-Lisa to realize what had just happened. A guy I'm casually seeing did something for me, but her long term boyfriend did nothing for her.
Warning: If a firm nonbeliever receives an unwanted/unneeded gift on Valentine's, do not let the pretending nonbeliever friend with an idiot of a boyfriend become aware of said gift. It will only lead to more disappointment and awkwardness.

The chocolates were passed around all night, and none remain. Playing Cranium with friends (including my new favorite couple) left us rolling on the floor laughing and I slept well in a chocolate/alcohol induced coma. Can't wait for next year.