The Year of Yes

Someone was recently telling me about a memoir called The Year of Yes by Maria Dahvana Headley. I was reminded of this book by Violet's New Year's resolution to say yes to all date offers, no matter what her initial opinion of the offerer. (I'm assuming this includes locals in Violet's hometown?)

Like us the author of this book was frustrated with the dating scene and she decided to say yes to all date offers. I plan to read Headley's memoir and review it on this blog. Maybe it will motivate me to say "yes" with less pessimism.

Here is a brief summary of the book if you are interested:
"Why not go out on a date with everyone who asks you? Plenty of reasons. They might be crazy. They might be creepy. They might be something other than what you're looking for. But then again, how would you know? Isn't love supposed to be blind? Isn't it supposed to be about who the person really is, not about what they look like?" "The Year of Yes is an account of one woman's quest to find a man she can stand (for longer than a couple of hours). Frustrated by her own pitiful taste, writer Maria Headley decided to leave her love life up to fate, going out with everyone who asked her: homeless men, taxi drivers and yes, even a couple of women. Opening her heart and mind to the possibility that her perfect match might be the person she least expected, she spent twelve months dating most of New York City."--BOOK JACKET.

Question of the week: New Years Resolutions

What are your New Year's Resolutions? While you are brain storming on how to better yourself in the New Year, here are some of my favorite New Year's Resolutions from Bridget Jones's Diary:

I will not...

• Waste money on: pasta makers, ice-cream machines or other culinary devices which will never use; books by unreadable literary authors to put impressively on shelves; exotic underwear, since pointless as have no boyfriend.
• Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching.
• Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.
• Get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.
• Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of character.
• Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. as best way to obtain boyfriend.

I will...

• Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week.
• Reduce circumference of thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 1 1/2 inches each), using anticellulite diet.
• Give all clothes which have not worn for two years or more to homeless.
• Be more confident.
• Be more assertive.
• Not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music.
• Go to the gym three times a week not merely to buy a sandwich.
• Make compilation "mood" tapes so can have tapes ready with all favorite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembled instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over floor.
• Form functional relationship with responsible adult.

OK so I like them all and found it difficult to narrow down my list of favorites.

What part of He's Just Not that Into You do you not understand?

Ladies, we are smart creatures. Some may argue the smartest. We are capable of running large corporations, giving birth, holding high political office, and even running for President. So why, when it comes to an attractive chap, do we forget about all these things that we're capable of and turn into insecure maniacs? This is why every girl needs a copy of He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo) to keep handy every time you want to call up a girlfriend to dissect last night's date's body language. I don't believe in "self-help" books, or even dating books, since most of them are complete crap, (which is why we've included a list of the only books of that sort that are worth your time on our page) but this one is necessary.

Behrendt claims that "men are not that complicated, although they'd like you to think they are." Turns out, if they're into us, they'll let us know. What? No games? If our girl Bridget read this, it would BLOW HER MIND.

Apparently, it's all very simple. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out, not calling you (DON'T call him), not dating you, not having sex with you, having sex with someone else, only wants to see you when he's drunk, he's disappeared on you, breaking up with you, doesn't want to marry you (so if you're still holding out for that ring after 8 years, it's best to call it a day), he's married, or if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak.

Now, I've been disappeared on, but that didn't really have that much of an effect on me. (You remember The Heavy Breather, right?) But I am embarrassed to say that after my ex-imaginary boyfriend suggested that we go back to "just being friends," I didn't really believe him. Don't ask me why or how I was capable of this kind of stupidity, but sadly, it's true. I figured it was only a matter of time before he came to his senses and came crawling back. Then I read this book. When I read the words "100% of men polled said that when they broke up with someone, it always meant that they didn't want to go out with them anymore," I almost called up my alma mater and offered to give back my degree. It's so simple!

Yes, we all want to find someone to live out our old age with, but don't we all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is seriously into us? I know that Greg has never met me, but when he says that I'm a foxy, smart, funny woman who deserves better, I believe him.

So dump the bum, get out there, and find the man who thinks you're a goddess!

Very few men fail to disappoint.

Legends say that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in six words. His answer for this was "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn." In response to this fabled story, SMITH magazine in 2006 started a contest: Tell your story in six words. The outcome is a book of six-word memoirs: Not quite what I was planning. I just wanted to share some of my favorite short, short stories of love and war. So tell us, what's your story?

• I still make coffee for two.
• Love the men. Hate the commitment.
• Yes to every date, met mate.
• Anything's possible with an extension cord.
• Found true love, married someone else.
• What the hell, might as well
• It's not you. It's me. Honest.
• Batteries are cheap. Who needs men?
• Discovered moral code via Judy Blume.
• Smart, tall, independent woman. Men scarce.
• Too many lovers-too little time.
• Snuggling, setups. These are my specialties.
• Lucky in everything else but love.
• Alone at home, cat on lap.
• Just in: Boyfriend's gay. Merry Christmas.
• Revenge is living well, without you.
• She always wore socks to bed.
• More broken bones than broken hearts.
• I waste time looking for love.
• Saw clearly after blind date: Marriage!
• Secretly, I dream of my ex-boyfriend.
• Never a bridesmaid, always a bride.
• Sexy single, married not so much.
  

Question of the Week

What are your dealbreakers?

Mr. Almost Perfect

I admit, I have very high standards. My list of dealbreakers is very, very long. Too long. I'm working on being a bit more open-minded, which will have to wait until I move, because I never EVER date boys who are from my current location. Is my pickiness the reason I'm still single? I don't know, but it may be the reason why I haven't had a real, honest-to-goodness boyfriend in far too long. (Imaginary boyfriends don't count.)

A few months ago, I met Mr. Almost Perfect. He was cute. He was funny. No, HILARIOUS. He was sweet. He was a European Jim Halpert. And we were sitting on the world's most isolated inhabited island together. It seemed too good to be true, which, of course, it was. Mr. Almost Perfect was a smoker.

Now, I really don't think Mr. Almost Perfect and I ever could have lived happily ever after. First of all, we carry different passports, making it geographically impossible. But it had been awhile, so I thought maybe the Rapa Nui gods had reached down and given me a sack full of fresh guapo points and a weekend fling on the remotest of remote islands was exactly what I needed. Sadly, it was not to be.

I tried to tell myself that smoking is a silly dealbreaker when simply looking for a little weekend fun, but I wasn't very convincing. I mean, who wants to kiss an ashtray? Granted, he didn't exactly make the moves on me, but I also nagged him every time he lit up, so I can't imagine that was a very attractive quality. When he told me that he had only recently started the habit up again, I was tempted to reply, "Well then, why don't you go home, quit, then CALL ME."

When it was time to part ways, I wasn't all that upset about it. At least I know that the good guys are out there, somewhere. Jim Halpert does exist. You just may have to go to the ends of the earth to find him.

Introducing the meetup

I went to my first meetup group this week. The meetup group I joined is a social group for people in my local area in their mid 20s to late 30s. The group is relatively new and so far it seems that they have mostly just done dinner and drinks. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect not knowing anyone but I’m happy to report that everyone was really open and welcoming. We went out to dinner and then later went out to a bar with pool and various other games. I’m sure Violet will be happy to hear that I found some fellow Twilight fans at the meetup. It was a good mix of singletons and couples but so far I have not identified any smug marrieds. Quite a few of the people in attendance were new to the group like my self.

As a followup to my Meeting Other Singletons post. Is this a legitimate way to meet other singletons of the opposite sex? Yes I think so. I went into this in the frame of mind that I just wanted to meet people and expand my group of friends in the area. However, to my surprise within less than 24 hours of the meetup I’d received emails from 2 out of the 3 single guys that I’d met at the event. (The 3rd guy wasn't my type anyway.) While that doesn’t necessarily mean they are interested, I didn’t receive any emails from the girls that I met. In summary if you are looking for single men, a social Meetup of this type may be your answer. Without even laying on the charm, it seemed to have more immediate results than online dating.

Now that I have scoped it out, I may recruit some of my friends in the area to join. I’ll keep you posted! Tonight I think I might take my own advice and mix wine and Christmas cards…you know really spread the Christmas spirit.

Book Review: How to be Single

When I first spotted How To Be Single on the bookshelf, I thought to myself: I should read that. You know, to make sure I'm doing it right. But HTBS is not a how-to book, it's a novel about a woman writing a how-to book. Written by Liz Tuccillo, who co-wrote one of our favorites, He's Just Not That Into You (which I'll be reviewing soon), the story starts out by introducing the reader to a single, 38-year old New Yorker and her four friends. One of the friends is on the rebound after her husband left her for a much younger samba instructor, another can't get herself out of bed because her cat just died (three months ago), one hasn't had sex in several years and decides to take a vow of celibacy in search of spiritual enlightenment, and the other quit her job as a lawyer so she can search for Mr. Right full-time. All this prompts the main character to take off on a trip around the world, trying to figure out if other cultures know how to be single better than we do.

The book got off to an excellent start, full of great pearls of wisdom. If I hadn't been reading a borrowed copy, I probably would have highlighted a few passages, but here are a few examples:

• In the good old days, online dating was considered a hideous embarrassment, something that no one would be caught dead admitting to... Now the reaction you will get from people when they hear that you're single and not doing some form of online dating is that you must not really want it that bad. It has become the bottom line, the litmus test for how much you're willing to do for love... If you're not willing to spend the 1,500 hours, 39 coffees, 47 dinners, and 432 drinks to meet him, then you just don't want to meet him badly enough and you deserve to grow old and die alone.
• I don't think you can ever just sit back and let love just find you. Love isn't that clever.
• ...a big part of being single. Hope. Friends. And making sure you get out of your damn apartment.

But this is not a book that will actually teach you how to be single, and at the two-thirds point through the end, actually gets a bit depressing. Despite the author's tendency to start sentences with "so," I would recommend it. Just don't expect to find a life map for how to be single.

Fuckwittage forgiven...almost

Ok, I am so proud of myself. It was less than a week ago that I was absolutely outraged that my ex-imaginary boyfriend was back with his ex girlfriend. I had many choice words for him, mainly variations of "WTF?"

Well, I just talked to him and I hardly even wanted to bring it up. However, I am a girl of many opinions, so I couldn't just not mention it. So he explained. He loves her and still misses her. They're not physically together and they know it will be very difficult, but they're considering getting back together. He did feed me some bullshit, "I wasn't happy when we were together because I wasn't happy with myself," just to name one. But I talked to him like a friend would. I voiced some gentle concerns, since I was there at the end of their relationship, and I knew the reasonings for the demise.

There was no anger. No jealousy. I did not call him an idiot or ask any variation of WTF? I just wanted him to think it through, to not settle, to not allow himself to be unhappy. All I feel for him is genuine concern and I simply asked him not to sell himself short. I've come a long way.

Unfortunately, he had to ruin it by sincerely thanking me for caring, and saying that he hopes I will find someone to make me happy. GAHHH!

Question of the Week: Bella Swan: Modern Day Juliet?

We here at WWBD? cannot deny that we are Twi-hards (die-hard fans of Twilight and the new breed of vampire). I think it's safe to say that we are all a little in love with Edward (but apparently not as much as we are with Jim Halpert), but the heroine, Bella, is a controversial figure. So I pose this week's Question of the Week:

Is Bella a stereotypical teenage girl, madly in love with her super-hot vampire boyfriend?

or

Is her devotion to said super-hot vampire boyfriend and the fact that she cooks dinner AND washes the dishes for her father every day a giant step backwards for female characters and feminists?

Imaginary boyfriends:Fuckwittage at its finest

The imaginary boyfriend has struck again. And I haven't even seen him in 6 months!

Last spring I started seeing this guy. We worked together closely and he had just broken up with a long time girlfriend so we kept it very hush-hush. Actually no one really knows the depth of relationships. We had a chemistry that I've never had with anyone else. We found each other very funny, we talked for hours and hours, and we even thought a like (in an "Ok, this is weird sort of way"), he was constantly taking the words right out of my mouth. We hadn't known each other very long, but we knew each other so well. Basically it was perfect, although imaginary.

The underlying problem was always his ex-girlfriend, he still had to be friends with her and she called him all the time. For months he had been talking about the lack of their relationship, lack of chemistry, how she never listened to him, how she wouldn't even kiss him (and he was a damn good kisser, seriously, best ever). I never doubted that she was a great person but she wasn't the greatest person for him.

After about three months of bliss with me, he moved out west with friends. He thought he needed to be single for a while, and I couldn't have agreed more. I was a little heartbroken and until very very recently I don't think I was truly over him. (ok perhaps I'm not over him). I still had hopes of him coming back, and like any imaginary breakup, I of course wasn't mourning what was over, but mourning what could have been. But lately I hardly even think of him, even when I knew he was recently back in the state. Until a couple of hours ago when I heard news that brought up this strange hot anger boiling up inside me.

He's back with her. Her. I was prepared for awful blow when I would finally learn he was dating someone. But he's back with her. And I am infuriated. I don't even know what to say, I'm so angry. What a complete fuckwitting idiot. They're not even in the same state either. It's as if every single thought and feeling he shared with me was a lie. It's as if our relationship was just a little tryst, a little holiday away from a controlling girlfriend who won't even make out with him. Ahhh, I'm so pissed. And damnit, I want to tell him. I want him to explain to my face why they are back together, and then I want to remind him of why he left her in the first place. I know she doesn't know we had been together after they broke up. But I want to tell her. And I swear I'm not an angry ex, seeking revenge (but yes I am angry). More than anything else, I'm just so disappointed in him, he is selling himself way too short. Can't I just tell him that?

Meeting Other Singletons

Like Bridget, do you find yourself drunk and singing "All by myself" in your living room on a Friday night? If you have even considered this solo performance, then this post is dedicated to you!

Once we enter the “real world” (not a reference to the MTV show) there are fewer opportunities to meet other singletons. (This may be even more of an issue for those of us who are daring enough to move away from friends and family.) And no I’m not just referring to my inability to meet single, straight males of the non-fuckwit variety; now I often find myself with nothing to do on a Friday night. In college this was unheard of! I always had something to do whether it was hanging out with friends or conquering the massive amount of schoolwork that was ever-present. Unfortunately a majority of my friends are no longer in the area. While Violet and I talk several times a week, sadly I can count on my hands how many times I have actually seen her in the last three and a half years. (We jokingly refer to our lesbi-friendship as our most successful long-distance relationship ever.) I’m sure that I’m not the only loser that finds themselves alone on a Friday night, so I decided to prepare a list of some ways to meet other singletons. (Some are more reliable than others and unfortunately if you don’t live in a city your options may be limited.)

• Smile – I read somewhere that if you smile people will be more likely to approach you. This is kind of obvious but this applies to any of the options below.
• Class – Take a class at a college or technical school or at a gym. Choose something that you are interested in but it might be preferable to choose an interactive class, such as a cooking class. This does happen…my first class in grad school resulted in a date.
• Dog park – This is only an option if you like dogs. And please do not borrow a dog and pretend it is yours. In theory I think this could work. As an animal lover I know how obsessed people are about their pets.
• Grocery Store/Hardware store – From my experiences and discussion with other women, the guys that hit on women at grocery store are generally not high quality men. (I once had an old man (at least 20 years older) at the grocery store tell me I was cute and then follow it up by telling me that he worked at a prison and had a beach house. Only then did he ask me how old I was to make sure I was legal. I couldn’t walk away fast enough. Men, let this be a lesson to you!)
• Planes/Trains – Does this really ever happen? I have my doubts!
• Bars – This one is pretty self explanatory and very popular but not my style. (Bars are too loud and drunk people don’t always show their most attractive side.)
• Online dating – I have tried this with no long term results but it may be a good alternative to bars for someone such as myself.
• Speed Dating – This may only an option in cities but imagine the possibilities. How many bad dates can you fit in one night? It is a numbers game.
• House of worship – Some churches have groups for people in their 20s and 30s.
• Setups – Get friends or family members who know you well to set you up. Be careful who you ask though!
• Arranged marriage – Not an option for me but I thought I’d put it out there. (I have to say I’m glad my parents don’t have that kind of power.)
• Intramural or community club – I’m not athletically inclined so this option is out for me.
• Meetup group – I found one of these in my area for people in their 20s and 30s that I’m going to try. I’ll report back with my thoughts.

Well, that was awkward

A great (albeit, often awkward) part of the holiday season is returning home to see the people you've left behind. Until you see the one that you, literally, left behind: the ex-boyfriend. Let's start at the beginning.

It was my senior year of college. I was fully enjoying being single and had no plans to change that. Of course, when you're truly resistant to even the idea of a boyfriend, every male wants to date you (Why is that? Let's file that away for later). Anti-boyfriend and commitment phobic, it was pure accident that I started seeing this guy (previously of The Taken, of course). He was a lot of fun, but that's where it stopped, I saw no future with him. He did not agree. I warned him from the very beginning that this would go no where, that I would be moving. We seemed to have an understanding, or perhaps just a mutual avoidance of the subject. The end of summer loomed, yet I was too selfish to end things. I'd be moving many hours away but I liked him too much and I didn't want to hurt him. It worked for a little while, we saw each other every few weeks, but I started to change. I was loving grad school, the new area, new friends, and was beginning to crush on new boys. And then he did the unthinkable. He offered to move to be with me (8 hours; 1 year in).

I couldn't allow it. When I came home for Christmas it had been previously decided that this would be the last of us. He was understanding. We both wanted what was best for each other. My reasoning was that he'd never be happy in my new home, it was too different. And more than that, I couldn't let him move because I knew that if he did, I'd never be able to get out of the relationship. How do you break up with a guy that moved states away to be with you? So that was it, we were done. We kept in touch and when I was home again six months later we met up for drinks. Our meeting was fine, not awkward at all, just like old friends. But then, he unfriended me on Facebook (a slap in the face, really) and stopped all other communication as well.

Apparently he no longer wanted to be friends, so I was a little nervous to see him at the bar this Thanksgiving. As the night wore on, we decided to sit down and talk, catch up on our lives. All was well for awhile, but his continuous drafts was causing a depressing drunkenness. And a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. The more he talked, the more questions he asked, the more uncomfortable I became. He missed hanging out with a girl, he hadn't had a girlfriend since me, I apparently made him gun shy, and really f%@&ed him up. He said he missed me and I had no response other than fidgeting in my seat. He asked why I wouldn't let him move with me and I gave him the "you wouldn't be happy there" response. He thought he'd be happy anywhere with me. I fidgeted some more. He thought he'd be over me by now. I looked him in the eyes and apologized, it was the only thing I could do, other than fidget. The awkardness ended in a hug and him saying it would be a bad idea to see each other again. Which was probably true.

On the drive back North, I thought about him a lot. I felt awful that I just randomly showed up and wrecked him again. I just thought he'd be over it by now. I had been selfish and even though I told him it would go nowhere, it was my mistake to let it go somewhere and give him false hope. I don't blame him for not wanting to see me again, I pretty much deserve that. As I truly believe in dating Karma, I fear what this break-up has done for mine. Maybe for every heart that one breaks, one is equally heartbroken. It only seems fair.