The cat's meow

Wanna hear about some dates?  Of course you do!

Last week I went on four dates.  chyeah, that only happens in the online world.

First there was a coffee date with a 24 year old who seems to be straight out of college.  Firstly, why do I go on coffee dates when I don't like coffee?  Secondly, I'm glad he's finally living on his own from his adoptive parents and dog.  He asked me if I wanted to help him shop for baby presents sometime.  Ummm...maybe?

Next was drinks with a nervous architect dude.  I don't remember what we talked about other than that he kept saying "Well this has been fun".  That's something you say at the end when you're saying goodbyes.  Not several times in the middle.  Awkward.  Also, I outdrank him.  I downed my beer while he milked his and then didn't even finish it.  A guy who can't finish a beer?!  Next!  He invited me on a date to the Art Museum, which I'd be down for if it wasn't so gorgeous out.  And also, he's not terribly interesting and obviously hasn't dated much.  Oh yeah, and he can't finish a beer! (And yes, I do judge him for it).

I had a dinner date with a dorky financial guy who lives in New Hampshire.  We met in the middle and he paid.  He's definitely been the easiest to make conversation with by far and I did have a good time.  Things went south when we drove to a miniature golf course (by far one of the nicest courses I've ever seen, and I don't mean to brag, but I've seen a lot of mini golf courses) only to find it closed for the night.  We drive to a bar he knows of, only to find it closed for renovations.  Apparently it wasn't meant to be.  I'd definitely hang out with him again, but I have no interest in dating him.

The last date was over the weekend.  My holiday weekend kind of sucked due to all of my friends being out of town. That, and me being ridiculously allergic to something in my friends house when I stopped by to feed her cat.  I'm talking serious allergies, with itchy eyes so bad that my right eye swelled up so that I could only half open it.  It was an attractive look, might I say.  I actually would have been freaking out about my blood-shot ballooning eye (think Splinter Induced Delirium, but on my face!) had it not been for the allergy medication subduing me.  I spent most of the weekend in a Benadryl-induced coma, which I came out of just long enough to go on a date.  I told this guy about it (my eye was still a bit puffy) which got us on the subject of cats.  He seemed concerned that I was allergic to my friends cat.  Doubtful, I have a cat of my own.  He used to have a cat, until he died this past winter. I'm not even joking when I say, I thought this guy was going to cry.  Seriously, his eyes were welling up as he told me the sob story.  Don't get me wrong, it was a sad story (his cat died in his arms on their way to the vet's office, and surprisingly, he was only 7) and I can literally start crying at the very thought of losing my beloved Mr. Kitty Meowington.  But dude, please don't cry on our first date about your cat.  I am not a big enough person to handle that gracefully.   I will inevitably make a joke about wanting to be with cats on rainbows (if you haven't seen this video, watch it.  You'll never call me a crazy cat lady ever again) and having a house full of them so we can just roll around together.  That's what I do when I feel awkward, I make ill-timed jokes.  I don't really remember anything else we talked about during the one beer we drank.  It was a short date, ending with a "I'll drop you a line sometime".   We both know that I'll never be hearing from the Cat Cryer ever again.

Well, I sure didn't see that one coming...

I had agreed to go out for a drink with The Highlander tonight for two reasons. 1. I like to do charity work, and 2. to inquire about obtaining his cat for my roommate, who needs a cat to keep her cat company when I move out. I had a few expectations going into the meeting, namely that he would have done absolutely nothing in the year and a half since I've seen him and be kind of sad and lonely. However, before I went out, I scolded myself for having such a low opinion of him and decided that maybe the reason he's moving to New York was that the internet dating site he was working so hard on had really taken off, or that he had met the woman of his dreams and was moving to New York to be with her.

He had arrived at the designated place a bit before I did, and things got off to a generally awkward start, as they usually do with him. We spent the first part of the evening catching up. I found out pretty quickly that he had already given his cat away, which I gave him a really hard time for. He told me it had been a hasty decision to get the cat in the first place, but that when he needed to get rid of it, he should have called me, but as he said, "you weren't speaking to me." Oh, please. As if I owed him something. I also found out that he hasn't done anything with his internet dating site. Of course he hasn't. One thing I've noticed about him is that he starts things and doesn't finish them. And he gets pets and then gets rid of them. I told him not to get anymore pets.

Then things got awkward. He started to apologize to me for how things ended. He wanted to let me know that he has a lot of regrets about how things ended and that I really stand out to him. 'Uh-oh,' I thought, 'would this be a good time to mention the cute neighbor?' Instead, I told him he didn't have anything to apologize about, we just don't have anything in common.

"What do you mean we don't have anything in common?," he asked.

"We don't have anything in common," I said. "Name one thing we have in common."

He paused. "You start."

"Exactly! You can't even name anything we have in common!"

"What are you talking about? We're both... human beings."

I laughed. Out loud. "Human beings? Yeah, you, me, and 6 billion other people!"

This was getting awkward. I mean, human beings? If the only thing you're looking for in a person is that they are a human being, then I'd say you have pretty low standards. He seemed a little flustered, but he continued on: "Well, are you single right now?"

"No."

"Oh." Disappointment? Really? "You have a boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"What do you and this boyfriend have in common?"

Despite how stunned I was that this guy was actually asking me what my boyfriend has that he doesn't, I started rattling off all the things that me and the cute neighbor do together. We watch baseball together, win tailgating competitions together, read the same books, go to the beach and actually have a great time (more on that later), traveling, etc.

"Wow. Well, I guess he has me beat."

"Yes. Yes he does."

I could have also told him that the cute neighbor is a helluva lot smarter, funnier, more interesting, and all around everything that the highlander is not, but I chose not to.

Then he asked me if the cute neighbor was going to London with me. When I explained that no, he was actually taking a job on the west coast, the highlander kept pushing: "See? I'll be closer to you than he will be while you're in London!"

Oh my god. I can't believe this is actually happening. First, this moron wants me to tell him what my boyfriend has that he doesn't. Then, he tries to make a case for himself by claiming that a New York-London distance is better than a West Coast-London distance. THERE IS STILL A FUCKING OCEAN IN BETWEEN! I did not see this coming.

Then he tried to tell me that he's changed ("evolved" is the word he used. Probably because he thinks that using this big word is going to impress me.) and that he's now a baseball fan, and he plays golf, and he goes running. Then he asked me what my favorite baseball team is.

I stared at him. Anyone who has met me for 5 minutes knows my favorite baseball team. I'm not a casual fan. I'm a crazy, screaming, pissed-off-and-in-a-bad-mood-all-day-when-they-lose kind of fan. I asked him if he was serious, then asked for the check.

I went in there expecting him to be sad and lonely, and I found out that he is sadder and lonelier than I thought. I mean, people don't go looking to start long-distance relationships. But hey, we're both human beings, so maybe it could work. Or maybe I would rather spend the evening conversing with a sock puppet.

The question of morality

I met up with Karaoke Kid and his friends on Friday night. We drank at their house. We drank at a bar. We drank at their house again. (Yes, I've been drinking a lot since moving here). Until finally, while his roommate sat playing the guitar, The Karaoke Kid passed out on the couch. It was close to 4 am at this point and I didn't want to make the long walk home. What was supposed to do?! Oh, the dilemma.

So I continued to hang out with The Roommate (cue the "uh-oh"). Not really sure how it happened but at some point I accidentally ended up spending the night. With The Roommate. In the Roommates bed. Naked. While the Karaoke Kid was in the next room. Uh-oh, indeed.

Now let me say, though my morality is questionable, it's definitely present. Or at least it finally decided to show up late in the game. We stopped short, as we both started feeling incredibly guilty. Apparently, getting into the pants of the girl your roommate/good friend is trying to get into the pants of is a no-no. And even though we are not together, and still haven't hooked up (see I do have morals!...actually I think it's KK with the morals), I was feeling really bad. Not bad enough to get dressed and leave, but bad enough to get partially dressed and continue to lay there.

The thing is, this wasn't particularly surprising. And not because it was alcohol induced. I admit I was starting to get a crush on this guy. He's just as cute as the Karaoke Kid, funnier, and he also plays the guitar. He's also flirtatiously mean to me, which for some reason I find intriguing (For example, when stating I only had maybe 3 single friends, one of which was my sister, Violet, he asked "But does she look like you? Cuz if so, I'm not interested." That definitely messed with my head, as 2 days later I was still thinking about that comment). He admitted he had a thing for me since the first time the Karaoke Kid brought me home (see Vi, he is interested!). Even so there we were, laying in bed, feeling like we were having an affair. We agreed to never speak of this to anyone (you all don't count).

To make matters worse, I had to creep by the Karaoke Kid (still asleep on the couch) to leave the apartment. After successfully unlocking and tiptoing out the door, I turn to see it slam shut behind me. I fled. 10 minutes later (still walking the walk of shame and guilt) the Karaoke Kid texts me, apologizing for passing out and asking if he had just heard me leave. Oh, the guilt.

Now what am I supposed to do?! No, seriously, tell me what I'm supposed to do. I want to still hang out with those guys but obviously this complicates things. I don't want to hurt the Karaoke Kid, nor do I want to hurt his friendship with The Roommate. I just want to hang out with them. Damn you morality, you're never on time.

Hot for Teacher

I teach. I teach adults. Some of my students are older than I am. Some of them are younger. Some of them are the same age. While I've been known to socialize with students, (as neither of the schools I've worked for have had policies against it, it's not that serious) I don't date them. That's just weird.

Earlier this week, I was checking my email before class, when a student who is not in any of my classes asked me if I had a good weekend. Since my weekend involved dressing up like a figure skater and telling strangers I was a gold medalist, I replied that it was. Then he asked if I went away with my boyfriend. "Nooo," I said slowly, thinking that was a strange question to ask. Then I remembered that it had been Valentine's Day. Just goes to show how easy that non-holiday is to ignore. "Why not?" he asked. Without thinking, I said, "Because I don't have a boyfriend."

As soon as I said it, I knew why he asked it. Especially since I kept catching him watching me for the past week. Sure enough, not two minutes later, he asked if he could see me outside of class. This is not the first time a student has asked me out, and I am a master of avoiding and wriggling out of awkward situations. I told him sure, sometime, but not this week, as I'm very busy and important, but, you know, sometime. Of course, this took longer than normal because he has only been in the country for a few weeks and speaks little to no English. My strategy (as it has always been) is that by continuing to say "sometime" they will either give up or forget about it. In the past, it has been very effective.

I immediately went to Fenella, since she has also been in this same situation before. While all of our colleagues were dating (or just sleeping with) students, she and I stayed out of that. I gave her the need-to-knows:

1. He's not my student, and never will be.
2. He speaks almost no English. And while I'm used to speaking to people who don't speak much English, conversation would be extremely difficult. (Although as Grayer pointed out, we both know the language of love.) Dinner conversation would consist of a lot of pointing and "Fork!" "Waiter!" Although, come to think of it, that may be better than some of the conversations I've had on dates...
3. He's an Italian Dreamboat.
4. He's a smoker.

Sadly, Number 4 cancels out everything else, as we would just have a repeat of Popcorn Man.

I managed to avoid the Italian Dreamboat all week, until Friday. After he had won a school-wide musical chairs competition, I gave him a high-five (which I had to do, as I had done the same for the runners-up). He kept a grip on my hand, and (I'm not kidding here) nuzzled it to his cheek. Only an Italian Dreamboat can pull this one off.

A bit later, I was gathering my stuff up in my classroom, when he walked in and handed me a piece of paper. For a brief, horrifying moment, I was afraid I would open it to find "Do you like me? Check yes or no." Fortunately/Unfortunately, it was his number. "For Saturday," he said. "uhhhhh, I have plans, I can't." Then, so he could understand more easily, "I'M. BUSY." This did not phase him. "Sunday then." "O-ok," I said, surprised at how sure he was of this. Oh, to be Italian. And a dreamboat. He laughed. "You don't like me," he shrugged. "I didn't say that. It's just... I'm busy." I have no idea why I felt the need to explain. I could have just told him I didn't want to go out with him, but his English is so bad that all he would hear is the word "No" and then it would just be mean. Now I've missed out on the opportunity to explain that I don't date students. Or smokers.

Is it some sort of Murphy's Law that you will only be pursued by people you don't want to be pursued by? Murphy's Dating Law?

Where is the excitement?

This weekend I had two dates with two different guys. With all the online dating that I've done, you would think that this would have happened before now, but actually this was a first. (I live in a small town so, the geographically desirable online dating pool is more of a puddle.)

The first date of the weekend was with Teddy. Teddy and I had been out two other times. Honestly, I don't have anything bad to say about him. He is outdoorsy, educated, well mannered, and sweet. Teddy seems to be an all around nice guy and we have a lot in common. I could go on about his positive qualities, but if I was completely honest with myself then I'd admit that I was just trying to reassure myself that he is a great catch. The thing is that I don't get excited when he calls. When he tries to make plans with me, I sometimes find myself making excuses like I have to study or go to the gym. Even when I'm making the excuses I know that I shouldn't, but I can't seem to stop myself. It shouldn't be this easy to be a cool aloof ice queen, right? On the other hand, I feel like I should give Teddy a chance, because I do have fun with him and it is easy to talk to him. He is the type of guy I would be friends with. How long can I date him before I make a decision?

My second date of the weekend was with Mascot Guy. Mascot Guy had several photos of himself with mascots up on his profile. I had asked him about this, so the first thing that he did on our date was pull out his camera and show me at least 20 other pictures with mascots. And this was only from this past year, he told me he has more! I guess this is kind of a cool hobby, but I have to say, it was a little weird on a first date. I asked him how often he goes to games and I got the impression this isn't just a hobby, it is an obsession. This might not have been as disappointing if I was at all athletic or went to sporting events for the games rather than the experience, friends, and the people watching. Also, I found myself wondering if the mascot thing is the most interesting thing about him. Still the conversation wasn't bad.

After Mascot Guy inhaled his food, he started to get antsy. He went and paid before I was even halfway done. He wanted to know if I wanted to go somewhere else, but he couldn't come up with anything to do. I told him I wouldn't mind staying there a little longer longer. Mascot Guy told me he thought sticking around at the restaurant longer would be weird. This was after maybe 45 minutes. He asked me if I was ready to go before I'd even finished my drink. Seriously, what was the rush? Mascot guy was out the door of the restaurant, while I was still standing at the table zipping up my coat! He waited outside and gave me a hug in the middle of the road telling me that we should do it again. I couldn't help but think this was kind of rude. Within 15 minutes of the date, he had texted me to say he had a great time and can't wait to do it again. How can he be so over eager but in such a rush to end a date at the same time? I'm wondering if maybe Mascot Guy was just really nervous and it would be worth giving him a second chance. What do you think?

I find online dating to be kind of unnatural. You meet a guy and feel like you have to instantly decide if there is chemistry. I had amazing chemistry with MM and even with him there wasn't instant chemistry. We were friends for a while first. Still, I think that I deserve to find someone that I'm excited about. Don't we all deserve to find someone who gives us butterflies in our stomachs? I haven't completely written these guys off yet, but I'm going to continue looking.

Must have been the tramp stamp

I went to a party of a former coworker the other night. Now we believe every good party has to be a theme party and this was no exception. The theme was evil/clown (Hosted by kind of a weird satanic couple, really into clowns) so with that theme in mind, I came dressed as a sorority girl. I'm talking poofed hair, heavy makeup, slutty clothes, heart-shaped jewelry, and yes, even complete with a giant butterfly tramp stamp tattoo (I would have gone with a fake tan but that costs money and this isn't Halloween!). Not exactly what they were expecting but everyone got the metaphor.

Somehow when we have these parties, it usually ends up with me and the clown couple drunk as can be while everyone else takes off. This party was no exception and I had already planned on staying the night. She kept handing me drinks, because she "wanted to make it a dance party." I didn't know how me getting drunk was going to make it a dance party, but I obliged. Hey, the girl is good with tequila. Apparently a dance party was not what she was after, she was trying to lower my inhibitions! As the last person was leaving she sits down next to me on the couch and looks at me sweetly. She suggests a threesome.

Now I can't give you the specifics of how I was solicited for joining the clown couple for a threesome but it started with "Ya know my boyfriend thinks you're cute" and ended with "And you and I can do whatever we want to each other too!" Somewhere in the middle, she mentioned he had a big penis, apparently to tempt me further. Cue: furious texting to Conrad, begging him to come pick me up (Damn him for hating people, avoiding social situations and falling asleep at midnight!).

I don't know what it was, perhaps my big hair? My raccoon eyes? The butterfly hovering playfully inches above my buttcrack? Either way, they both wanted it. I can't say I'm terribly surprised. They have both clearly come on to me in the past and we pegged them as swingers way back after our Halloween party. The boyfriend had already told me I could just sleep in their bed with them (I thought he was joking at the time). Don't worry ladies, I slept on the couch in solitude. I may have looked like sorority girl/easy, but sorry clown couple, I wasn't that drunk.

Pistachio ice cream isn't for everyone...

While out to lunch with an old friend we were chatting away when the conversation moved to funny quotes. "Ah ha." Thinks me. What a great opportunity to bring up my (soon to be) infamous quote: "What do you do with your arms?"

I think I should mention though that my friend is, well, a little innocent and has very little experience with guys. But I figured she would least know about, well, stuff. Um...no. I started to explain about pistachio ice cream, obviously being far more blunt with my wording. Yes ladies, I used the exact words: oral sex. My friend looked confused (and I hadn't even got to the 'what do you do with your arms bit.')

Here's the thing. My friend didn't know what oral sex is. She thought, wait for it...oral sex is "sex, with talking afterwards."

Cue a very awkward moment.

When I managed to explain it, her reaction? Priceless.

Now is the winter of our discontent

I hate January. It's the absolute worst month of the year. It's long. It's cold. There is nothing to look forward to. Your house is suddenly bare, after you've put away all those Christmas decorations. It's simply no fun.

This year, however, I decided to make some January resolutions. Every weekend, I will do something I've never done before. It all started last weekend, when I went to my first hockey game. First of all, McNerdy and I were handed free tickets that just happened to be worth more than $60. Believe it or not, this is not a first time occurrence for us. The last time we went to a sporting event, we were randomly handed free tickets to a luxury suite. We could definitely get used to this.

I did a bit of "hook-up" hunting in the game program for some hockey hotties. Unfortunately, hockey players tend to live up to their reputation and are missing a few essential teeth, but I figured 1.) They are good enough for Carrie Underwood, and 2.) They are always hot in the movies. And by the movies, I mean the crush I had on Adam Banks in The Mighty Ducks when I was 12, and the movie Miracle, featuring the single-hottest goalie ever. There were definitely some viable options, although I noticed none of them smiled with their teeth in their official photo. Something to keep in mind if baseball players don't work out, though.

I am way more skeptical about tonight's "new thing," however. I'm going to a strip club. And not just any strip club. This is where strippers go to die. Where they spend the last few years before retirement. They have saggy boobs and cesarean scars. Supposedly. I've never been there, obviously. So why am I going? I'm going because the place is a landmark, and it's one of those experiences everyone has to have when they live in this city. I plan on being plenty hammered before I get there.

Oh, and did I mention I'm going with the Dark Horse? Yeah, I'm going to a strip club with The Dark Horse and about 15 of his friends, none of whom I know. And he keeps telling me he's going to buy me a lap dance. I really, REALLY don't want a lap dance.

After this weekend, though, I'm kind of at a loss as to what "new thing" I should do next weekend. I need suggestions. Swing dancing? Speed dating? French cooking class? Suggestions, please.

And tonight? Please think of me...

Unexpected Arrival

Last weekend I had Meetup Matt (MM) over for dinner. I cooked dinner, he brought wine, we cuddled on the couch and held hands…there was only one thing missing…makeout action. I thought it was kind of cute that we hung out all night and he didn’t make a move (even though it clearly would have been welcome). However, over the following week I found myself more and more anxious about the impending first kiss. What if it was bad? What if there was no chemistry? How long was it going to take for him to gather the courage to kiss me?


After several days of turmoil, I hung out with MM again. Once again it was the perfect atmosphere for him to make a move. We watched some TV, cuddled on the couch, and he finally made his move. Hoorah! The make out session was excellent until…


His mom walked in the house. MM’s mom was in town and said that she would call before she stopped by the house. Unfortunately for us she did not follow through on this. We quickly separated and moved to opposite ends of the couch like guilty teenagers. Knowing that I probably looked disheveled, I frantically tried to fix my hair…I’m not sure how successful I was in this desperate attempt to tidy myself up. Luckily we were fully clothed. I’m still not sure how much MM’s mom suspected as she didn’t comment on the situation. While the situation definitely could have been worse, I would have preferred to have been, umm, more prepared to meet his mother.

Anyway, MM did walk me to my car and kissed me goodbye. Next weekend MM invited me to a party with some of his non-meetup friends. v. good progress!