Deterioration of the Fight or Flight Response

"Human beings need a lot of things to feel alive. Family. Love. Sex. But we only need one thing to actually be alive. We need a beating heart. When our heart is threatened, we respond in one of two ways. We either run or we attack. There’s a scientific term for this: Fight or flight. It’s instinct. We can’t control it. Or can we?” –Grey’s Anatomy

For some reason I was thinking about this quote from Grey’s Anatomy today. It’s been a while now since MM broke my heart. I’m sure you all are getting tired of hearing about it, but I’m finally starting to get over it. I think that quitting my job really helped. I’m happy now. I don’t wake up every morning thinking about MM and dreading going to work. I’m starting to feel like myself again rather than a watered down version. OK so I still don’t jump out of bed singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-A! My, oh my, what a wonderful day!”, but who does? I’ve been taking advantage of my freedom. I’ve been going to the gym. I even have an interview for an internship next week. (Hoorah!) I’m feeling positive about my future. There is only one problem…

While I’m no longer pining after MM (v. good), I’m finding that the experience has heightened my flight instinct (v. bad). So I ask you, can we control this? In December, when I first tried to revisit online dating, I panicked and gave into the flight response. I clearly wasn’t ready. However, with my fresh optimism and zest for life, I thought maybe I should give online dating another try after all. I decided that this time I wasn’t going to take it as seriously. I wouldn’t get obsessed and overly excited about guys before I even met them. I was still a little worried that I wasn’t ready, so I was hesitant to even tell anyone. I guess I was embarrassed by my own indecisiveness. (Apparently optimism doesn’t overshadow indecisiveness.) Plus I wanted to make sure I was doing this for me rather than because of some unspoken societal pressure.

One of my first messages was from a guy who wrote some BS about the “dichotomy of women-folk” and told me to check out his profile and see if it spoke to me. It definitely did. It SCREAMED douche bag! Here is an excerpt from his profile for your enjoyment:

I’m a breast man, no two ways about it (get it?). My dad always said, “[Name removed], if it’s more than a handful, it’s wasted!” My father was a wise man. Any bigger than D’s and I’m gonna notice that you got D’s on your hips, belly and thighs too. I don’t like a lot of eye make-up, because I like pretty eyes. No spiderlashes! Not every girl I dated was a model, but I like cute girls. I like waking up next to my girl and believe for a moment that an angel spent the night and kept her wings in her purse while she slept. Then I steal her halo before she wakes up!

Yes ladies, this man is on the market! The breast man went on to state the following list of dating “exclusions” (because you know that the women are just fighting for the chance to date him and he needed to narrow down the playing field): no divorcees, no separatees, no amputees, no mommies, no drugees, no diabetes, no lime disease, no STDs. Well at least he made me laugh.

I’ve been talking to another guy who seems nice and normal. He wants to meet up this weekend, but for some reason I’m hesitant. I told him I wasn’t sure if I was free tonight, but I’d let him know. In reality I had absolutely no plans. I just wasn’t sure if I was ready. The panic is still there, but I can’t live my life in fear of getting hurt. I guess I’m going to have to fight the flight response. This brings to mind fainting goats. Fight or flight? Sometimes you really just can’t decide! Please send positive thoughts my way!

Under Pressure

Over the past few years I've been feeling some pressure from my dad to give him grandchildren. I find this kind of ridiculous. I'm still in my mid twenties afterall. It started out with my dad's friends having grandchildren. I would over hear their conversations where my dad would say that neither I, nor my brother, would be having kids anytime soon. Then he started throwing comments in about how he wanted grandchildren. My dad doesn't seem to understand how hard it is to find the right person. He was, and probably still is, convinced that my singleton status is a choice. If I really wanted to be in a relationship then I would be and the fact that I wasn't in some way meant that I was standing between him and the grandchildren that he desired. He even went so far as to purchase a baby quilt at a church auction for the phantom babies in his dreams.

This whole thing has caused some conflict between my dad and I. On some occasions, I admit that I've lost my cool. As I argued with my dad, the twitch in my eye became more pronounced. At one point I even became so exasperated that I yelled at him and left the dinner table crying.

After this incident, my mom told my dad he wasn't allowed to make any comments to me about dating or babies. Over this past year he has been very good about this. Even when he knew I was dating someone, for the most part he didn't ask questions or make comments. (I'm sure this is killing him.) However, now when I overhear him talking to friends instead he seeks pity by saying things like "I'm never going to have grandchildren" in a dejected tone.

A couple of weeks ago I left my dad alone with one of my guy friends. This may have been a mistake. Somehow my dad turned the conversation on my dating and his desire for grandchildren. (Mind you he was talking to my friend who has been trying unsuccessfully to have children with his wife for several years.) Apparently, while talking to me about this is off limits, my friends are not. My guy friend told my dad that I was dating MM for a while and said that I had a couple of prospects now. This last part was of course a lie to placate my father. He also reminded my dad that some people can't have children.

The irony is that I always wanted to have children, but now I'm not so sure. Violet wrote a post last month on baby aches and I found that I couldn't relate at all. Maybe this is in part because I've been so stressed and unhappy with my job. Even thinking about adding children to the mix is terrifying. Maybe I'm just trying not to put the cart before the horse. (Lets face it, I need to find a guy first.) Or maybe the pressure to produce progeny is just too much for me.

When fools rush in

You may remember my single friend Nate. Being the only two (sane) singles in the department, Nate and I have a connection. He's the guy who will play into all of my ridiculous antics, and who, most importantly, is somehow the key to me meeting men (I met Hanging Out Guy when I was out with Nate). I love the guy but in no way have I ever wanted to date him, though in someway, I am a bit protective of him. So you might imagine my reaction, when somewhat out of the blue, he tells me he has a girlfriend.

I believe my exact words were, "WWWhhhat??" It was just a couple of weeks ago that I had mentioned to him how others were wondering why he was single. Question one, how did he go from thinking about not being single, to acutually not being single? And question two, why the hell does that not work for women?

He had confided in me last week that while I was on vacation, he had gone on a couple dates. (These dates included coffee, and watching the West Wing on DVD, which I told him were not dates). So after about two weeks, and a handful of "dates," they decide that they're dating exclusively. Is it just me or are they moving at the speed of light? To have already had that discussion, well, it just seems crazy.

After discussing this, Violet and I have noticed that we each date a guy a ridiculously long time before going exclusive with them. Take Hanging Out Guy, for example. I'm still having a lot of fun with him and things seem to be moving right along, except for the whole labeling of our relationship. We've cooked each other dinner, and I've stayed at his house on a weekday (my heat was mysteriously shut off and its too cold up North to go without). We have gone to the movies, and I've even worn sweatpants over to his house. And yet our relationship remains undefined.

Nate claims this is because him and his new gf are more mature than HOG and I. I claim this is because they are older than we are, and let's face it, she's not getting any younger, she needs to know where a relationship is going. Between Nate and I, it's hard to say who's the fool, but I am most certainly not rushing in.

Lost in a sea of unavailable men

This evening I followed the ex-IB to a home-based brewery, not because I like beer (I don't), but for some socializing. (Told you I was going to use him to meet new people.) From the outside, it looked to be an ideal situation for me. I was one of maybe 4 women in attendance, with at least 30 twenty-something men. How lucky could a girl get? Not that lucky, apparently. It felt like all but 3 or 4 of them were married. (Including McNerdy who is clearly damaged goods.) And the small handful of single men were probably under the impression that I was there with him. I mean technically I was, but we weren't together. Which begs the question: How do you hang out in public with a guy friend and make it known you're still available? (And in case you're wondering, I was not glued to his side all night, I did manage to mingle with several other men without him around, albeit ones with rings on their fingers. Argh.)