In love with a stripper

I had a crazy eventful day yesterday.  It started with a wholesome Boston bucket list of famous landmarks, contained a whole lot of naked ladies, and ended in bed with a blast from the past.  WTF? is right.

My good coworker friend, K$ (that's K-money, not K-dollar, fools) is moving in May.  In preparation for that, she's come up with things to do in Boston before she leaves.  Me being awesome, I'm totally down with accompanying her on this list.  First stop, Boston Public Library, a beautiful building built on what was essentially a landfill of Back Bay, makes one think: they just don't make them like they used to.  Right outside we take pictures of ourselves crossing the finish line of tomorrow's Boston Marathon.  I promise this will be as close to finishing a marathon as I'll ever get.  Next, a psychic reading on Tremont Street (more on that later) followed by a canolli at Mike's Pastry in the North End (it's heaven in a shell).  A tour of the USS Constitution 'Old Ironsides', where I see the sign "Please do not handle the canon balls" a little too late.  We walk up the hill to the Bunker Hill Monument and climb all 294 spiraling steps to the top in order to fight people off and be able to see the whole city from a tiny little window.  The flight down is dizzying on shaky legs but damn are we proud of ourselves.  At this point I leave K$ and our day of wholesome Boston fun, and then I went to a stip club.

I met up with Hanging Out Guy (a former, um, flame, I guess you could say, that I met in a bar  a couple years back, better off as friends), who was in town with a ton of his high school friends for a ball game (which they actually won!).   I met them while they were finishing dinner and talking of going to a prominent strip club in the city, Centerfolds.  Now, don't ask me how, but I knew where Centerfolds was, and I knew how to get there (they were going to take a cab, psshht).  I was really just planning on escorting them there and leaving them to it, but they paid my cover, so um, yeah I was going to go in.  When else would I be able to cross Centerfolds off my Boston bucket list?  Inside there was a small stage with a pole, a balcony, and a semi-private room where the dancers led men by the hand for a lap dance.  Of course we couldn't sit at one of the tables, we had to sit up and center where I could literally place my dollar bills on the stage.  I could also literally see vaginas, this place was full on nudity.  For three songs per stripper, we saw several girls.  Destiny, Dynasty and Lola to name a few. Once I got over the whole, there's-a-naked-woman-dancing-in-front-of-me-and-wow-that-piercing-must-have-hurt feeling and the what-kind-of-father-figure-must-you-have? question, I honestly had a good time.  Not going to lie, I threw a couple dollars, when they deserved it.  The athleticism of some of these girls is impressive!  I even cheered for one girl in particular.  If you can climb a two story pole using only your arms and then drop down it into a split, then yes, you do deserve a dollar.

Most interesting to watch was the clientele.  I know, men don't go there to be watched but holy crap was that interesting.  From the glazed over/Utopia look the guys across from us had, to the downright giddy look of one of the girlfriends that was with us.  Some men were in groups wearing business suits, others sat alone, and others had reserved tables. Wedding rings were everywhere. The old guy next to me (not HOG) was by far the creepiest man alive.   He wasn't all interested until the thong came off, at which point he would lean and tilt to better see the business.  Then throw that dollar bill with purpose. So gross.

The guys with me were funny and encouraging to the dancers, and several of them noted how awesome I was.  (One of them gave a stripper a high five when she finished, I asked him how it felt, he made a face and wiped his hand on my sleeve). Hanging Out Guy in particular kept speaking of my awesomeness as he threw an arm over my shoulder and gave me slobbery drunken kisses on the cheek.  After we left the club (we had gotten there before 8 after all) he followed me to meet some of my other friends and came back to my house.  The problem with coming home with a drunk guy from a strip club, is that well, they're really horny.  That was quite apparent as a guy who usually takes no initiative, was on top of me as soon as I slid into bed.  Now I haven't fooled around with Hanging Out Guy for well over a year but one thing hasn't changed: he still doesn't know what the hell he is doing.  For realz.  This guy is basically only good for making out and cuddling with.  Not to say he doesn't try, but holy crap is he awful.  So awful in fact, that I drunkenly chose not to take things any further.  Yes, me.  A drunk girl who hasn't gotten laid in 2 months said "No" to sex.  He's that bad.  I feel awful saying it because he's a really sweet guy but I vow to never sleep with that kid again.  Oh well, at least his friends will think he got some.

Old Grayer

I had a talk with Conrad yesterday. Instead of blogging and facing my feelings, I chose to pick up a six pack on the way home. By the time my roommate got home, I was 3 beers deep, in a great mood and had an excellent quiche waiting for her.

The reason for me to not want to feel feelings? Conrad was hanging out with another girl last night. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. We are not, nor have we ever been, more than friends (Though we did got through an imaginary relationship period). We haven't even been friends with benefits in quite sometime. However, me being the crazy that I am, I overreacted (It's not so much stress right now. I blame this episode on PMS).

It seemed to me like Conrad had been acting shady. He usually tells me everything, even things that don't pertain to me or that I don't even want to know. But this past week, I've had to ask for information. This led me to think he's trying to avoid telling me something. He had just told me he had no plans for the weekend when I asked him if he wanted to get pizza. "I can't I have plans." What? You just said you didn't have any plans. After further questioning, he reluctantly told me he was doing something or other with a girl in his class. I had suspected something like this. Honestly it wasn't that he was doing it, it was that he seemed to be trying not to tell me about it.

So I told him that if he was hanging out with other girls, I wished that he would tell me. (Yeah, I can't believe I said that either). He didn't like that much at all. Obviously he doesn't have to tell me anything. I back tracked and tried to explain myself and we came to discussing our strange relationship.

"I think you're an amazing friend Grayer, you're the best friend I have here. But, I felt that the benefits part was going down a road I don't like for one, I don't know, I kept getting the vibe of something more. I just think the friends with benefits thing, with you, causes a volatile situation."

A volatile situation? Ok, why do guys always assume a girl wants something more. It's insulting. Yes, we went through a phase where we were basically dating. I can see how that could have freaked him out. Then I turned into a crazy stressed-the-F-out grad student trying to write a thesis. Again, I can see how that freaked him out. When things started changing I didn't handle it so well. I started acting like a girl. I swear, I used to be cool. I used to be laid-back. I used to let things happen as they may. I miss that Grayer. This Grayer is just annoying ('I KNOW! Bring the old Grayer back! NOW!' says Conrad).

Benefits aside, our friendship has changed. "Obviously it's changed. We crossed a line. We hit some bumps. But we're still great friends. We just have to go with the flow." I used to go with the flow. I felt better after talking to him. It didn't bother me that he was hanging out with another girl, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit home and think about him hanging out with another girl. I needed to do something fun, something the old Grayer would do. So, I called Hanging Out Guy. If there's one thing that HOG is good at, it's getting drunk. Since I was already halfway there, I had a good night with him and a couple of his friends. A really good night, which ended with me making out with one of HOG's friends....and HOG. Oops. At least I wasn't thinking about Conrad. Yay for old Grayer!

The mutual friend

We've been hanging out for 6 months, never talk about our relationship, and get along pretty well, but we don't really click click. He doesn't always get my sense of humor, I can get annoyed by his antics, and let's not even start on his lack of ballsiness on the physical front. One thing I've truly gained from this pseudo-relationship is meeting new people in the form of his friends. One friend inpaticular. I met The Mutual Friend a couple months ago and he immediately reminded me of someone I hated. Not only his looks but his voice, mannerisms and personality screamed of an old coworker that I never cared for from the very beginning. But this guys is different, I actually like him. Really really like him.

What can I say? We click. It was him that made me have a good time at a party. It was him that was a ton of fun on my birthday outing. He's the one that will come out to my house just for lunch. He's the one who I tell stories about to my roommate. It was he who introduced me to the three wolves shirt. We've hung out in groups as well as alone and it's always been filled with witty banter, humor and good conversation. He gets me and I get him. I like him so much that you might think I have a crush on him, but you'd be wrong.

We all know that I loooooove boys, but I am just not attracted to this one whatsoever (not that he's unattractive). He's skinny. He's clean shaven. He's uptight. He only wears collared shirts. He was an economy major. He doesn't like getting dirty. He neatly eats pancakes (and BBQ ribs) with a fork and knife (I know!). I like manly men, bigger than me with beards and no financial stability. Who care less about mud on their shoes and has a harder time getting BBQ sauce off their face and fingers than I do.

It's strange I get along with someone so unlike myself so well, but the MF and I have definitly thought of a combination of the two guys would be great. A hybrid of HOG and the Mutual Friend, now there's a man I could really get on board with. (Why is "Dream On" currently playing in the background?)

Take the lead

If Violet's recent kissing crusade was any evidence, women seem to have problems taking initiative in physical aspects of a "relationship." Sure, we've evolved to not wait around for the phone call, we even can ask men on dates, so what is with this hesitance to get what we need (yes, women have needs), nay, get what we deserve? Like Violet, why do we need to get all liquored up before making a first move? Just imagine if men had to do that. There would be drunken idiots everywhere (like, even more so than there already are).

I am not one to criticize, and only in my current non-relationship am I realizing just how much I depend on a man to make the moves. Hanging Out Guy was shy from the start and even though we've been hanging out since January (luckily I have records of our pseudo-courtship here on WWBD?), he really hasn't gotten better. I have to admit, after scheduling conflicts and of course Boston sports preventing us getting together for a while there, I haven't even kissed the guy in over a month. I know. A month. And if I haven't mentioned it before, I love to make out, almost as much as I love boys. And I Looooove boys.

So here's what I think has happened. The comfort level that we got to physically, has significantly decreased, while our natural female inhibition has returned (I say "our female inhibition" because I really think he should be grouped with ladies in the "taking the lead" category). I swear the only thing stopping me from jumping him, is the fact that I don't know if he now wants to be just friends, although it'd be surprising (because when do guys ever want to be just friends when there's benefits in the equation?). I don't understand this, especially when his friends seem to think we're "together" and he refuses to let me pay for things. Whatever the case, this insecurity is making me more timid than usual.

So, in light of Violet's recent lip-locking heroics, I pledge get some action this weekend, that is, if I see him. Ah hell, I pledge to get some action no matter what. Viva la Singletonhood!

Moving on, moving out

I realize I have not contributed to the blog in a while. The truth is, there has been nothing new going on in my life worth reading, trust me. We here at WWBD seem to be in a bit of a slump.

Hanging Out Guy and I have continued down our questionable path. With the Celtics and Bruins losing this past weekend, I expect I may be invited over for more than just watching a playoff game. Not that I mind playoff games, but come on, he backed out of our usual Thursday night lineup (Parks, Office, Rock, does it get better than that?). But change is coming.

This weekend I'll be moving to a neighboring town, 10 minutes away. Not far, but considerably farther than the 3 blocks I live from his house. This move will do one of two things to our "relationship":

1. Considering I don't see him very often now, I'll see him even less after the move. He won't be able to call me up and come right over. Since he seems to lack the planning gene (like so many of mankind), our get togethers will probably be reduced to going to a bar on the weekend (though staying at his house, walking distance from the bars, would be a plus).
2. My move may force him to grow up and actually make plans with me (gasp!). And because my new place is totally awesome, he just might want to hang out there. Although we are basically just friends with benefits, having him to hang out with this summer sounds like a lot of fun (btw, what is it about wanting a boy in the summer?).

Only time will tell as I should be moving on Sunday. He has offered to help with the move, lucky for him, because if he hadn't, we wouldn't even be having this conversation (It is a man's moral and genetic duty to help ladies move, remember that).

With or without him, I'll be living on the river with my two best girls, my crazy cat and a dog to terrorize him. This summer's going to SICK!

I'd take the brother

Yesterday, on a beautiful Friday afternoon I sat through a typical lab meeting.
Instead of my mind wandering to being outside, or of my evening plans with HOG, my attention was completely captivated by the fine specimen sitting at the head of the conference table. Talk about eye candy. Think Emmett Cullen, minus the curls, and this is exactly what you get, (and yes hotter than the one in the movie). Dark complexion, brown eyes, dimples, personality and don't forget the body. Yum.

As I was staring at him (and might I mention that he kept making eye contact with me and smiling) there were a couple of things I tried to keep in mind.

1. Emmett is an undergrad in my lab, my undergrad to be exact, and therefore I am his superior.
2. He looks extremely good in dress clothes
3. Not only is he a sophomore in college, but he's a sophomore frat boy, who's not yet 21.
4. I vividly remember seeing him without his shirt on when we played water polo. And it was good.
5. He usually smells like he needs to reapply some deodorant.
6. With body odor in mind, I think it would be perfectly acceptable to hire him over the summer to do yardwork, while I sat and watched from the safety of the deck.

Ok, so it would be somewhat inappropriate to have relations with this guy. And yes, when I was a senior in college, he was a senior in high school. And no he can't even buy me a drink.

Though in my defense, my ex-imaginary boyfriend was also my undergrad/frat boy and that wasn't inappropriate. And ok, he was my age and there was a lot of fuckwittage in the end, but when it was good, it was gooooood (and totally worth it).

So forgive me for wanting to have some fun while I'm young. A girl has needs. It really won't be too much longer before I'll just be a creepy cougar hiring 20-year-olds to do lawnwork.

So I'll just keep thinking about making out with him, and the very large hole I may need dug for no apparent reason in my backyard. I blame the heat. I makes me so....delirious..

(And yes, Hanging Out Guy is good, thanks for asking).

Spring fever

Spring is not the only thing in the air. Blame it on the start of baseball season, miniskirt sporting fluzzies or seasonal allergies, but along with this new warm weather is an even more alarming trend: noncommittal fuckwittage. Scarlet isn't the only one experiencing the disappearing act. It is mating season afterall, but it seems The Engineer is not going against nature alone.

Last week I suspected I'd hardly be seeing Hanging Out Guy now that the Red Sox are in season. Turns out I was right, though I don't know if it really has to do with the Sox. He hasn't disappeared completely, but I find that he may be fading fast.

Thus far, our relationship has been as questionable as the Riddler, so it is no surprise that I am yet again confused. We've been hanging out for a few months now, and although we have taken steps forward, we have never had a destination in mind. Not dating, yet not quite friends with benefits either. I was quite content with this situation until I recently realized that he doesn't call me anymore. We've always been give and take with making contact but lately I've been the one calling him. I realized this on Friday night when after previously discussing doing something, he instead went out with his friends and never called. A) We kind of agreed to do something and B) He used to invite me out with his friends. Then I surprised myself. I got pissed.

I don't know why it angered me, he's obviously not my boyfriend and he can obviously do anything he wants. (I'd like to blame it on stress. Today, for instance, I walked around work wearing two completly different shoes without noticing). Don't worry, I didn't call and bitch him out. I read and went to bed early (It was quite nice, actually). Low and behold, he called me the next day to play frisbee golf, confusing me further.

So as of Saturday night, when he preferred to stay home, I resolved not to call him. If I learned one thing from He's Just Not That Into You, it's if a guy wants to see you, he'll see you. He won't wait around for you to call. This weekend will be the true test (since I don't usually talk/see him during the week). Maybe he's just not that into me, maybe we're just friends, or maybe the Red Sox really are standing in the way. Regardless, spring is here, and he's up to bat.

Playing second

I've come to the conclusion that I will hardly ever see Hanging Out Guy again. We've never agreed to be exclusive, and he is definitely seeing other people. They're not younger or sexier, but they entertain him for hours on end. He loves them unconditionally though they will never love him back. Hanging Out Guy is a Red Sox fan.

This is not a new concept. I myself am a sports fan (although I never watch due to lack of cable) and I've witnessed his love of the Celtics and Bruins as well. But the Red Sox are different. If you've never met a Sox fan, realize that this is something straight out of Fever Pitch. (Minus inheriting seats at Fenway and only half the bedroom paraphelnalia). We start seeing each other over the offseason, but on opening day, bam! He's a changed man. Suddenly he can't do anything if there's a game on (which there usually is).

I'm not giving up on him. I happen to enjoy baseball as well. He's invited me over to watch games and we've also played with the idea of spending a small fortune to catch a game at Fenway (though we're very careful when speaking of the future). Don't be surprised if I'm an absolute expert before the All star break, I live in Red Sox Nation afterall.

Violet and I have a theory that you can tell a lot about a man from his favorite baseball team. In honor of the new season, here is what a man's team says about him:

Atlanta Braves: His best years are probably behind him.
Baltimore Orioles: When he is at a stand still, and can’t quite get that promotion, he will simply blame it on the other people above him, instead of taking steps to improve himself. Then, when that young, upstart executive shoots past him to the top, he will be left looking like an idiot.
Boston Red Sox: Capable of having a passion (i.e. obsession) for something bigger than himself. You won’t see him from April- October, so good luck.
Chicago Cubs: He’s SUCH A LOSER, but for some reason you can’t quite put your finger on, you love him anyway and refuse to give up on him.
Chicago White Sox: Manages to accomplish a lot more than his colleagues with only a fraction of the attention or the credit.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Indecisive. Will probably try to change the names of your future children more than once.
Minnesota Twins: Hard-working, blue collar guy who lives life the right way. Good catch.
New York Mets: Won’t be able to close the deal, if you know what I mean.
New York Yankees: If Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, or even Satan himself is your type, by all means.
Philadelphia Phillies: Just beware of flying objects (particularly batteries).
Tampa Bay Rays: Has only been a baseball fan since 2008, so he is as much of a fraud as you.
Toronto Blue Jays: See Baltimore Orioles.

When fools rush in

You may remember my single friend Nate. Being the only two (sane) singles in the department, Nate and I have a connection. He's the guy who will play into all of my ridiculous antics, and who, most importantly, is somehow the key to me meeting men (I met Hanging Out Guy when I was out with Nate). I love the guy but in no way have I ever wanted to date him, though in someway, I am a bit protective of him. So you might imagine my reaction, when somewhat out of the blue, he tells me he has a girlfriend.

I believe my exact words were, "WWWhhhat??" It was just a couple of weeks ago that I had mentioned to him how others were wondering why he was single. Question one, how did he go from thinking about not being single, to acutually not being single? And question two, why the hell does that not work for women?

He had confided in me last week that while I was on vacation, he had gone on a couple dates. (These dates included coffee, and watching the West Wing on DVD, which I told him were not dates). So after about two weeks, and a handful of "dates," they decide that they're dating exclusively. Is it just me or are they moving at the speed of light? To have already had that discussion, well, it just seems crazy.

After discussing this, Violet and I have noticed that we each date a guy a ridiculously long time before going exclusive with them. Take Hanging Out Guy, for example. I'm still having a lot of fun with him and things seem to be moving right along, except for the whole labeling of our relationship. We've cooked each other dinner, and I've stayed at his house on a weekday (my heat was mysteriously shut off and its too cold up North to go without). We have gone to the movies, and I've even worn sweatpants over to his house. And yet our relationship remains undefined.

Nate claims this is because him and his new gf are more mature than HOG and I. I claim this is because they are older than we are, and let's face it, she's not getting any younger, she needs to know where a relationship is going. Between Nate and I, it's hard to say who's the fool, but I am most certainly not rushing in.

Great Sexpectations

Oh, Hanging Out Guy.
He's super nice, funny and cute. He dresses well enough, smells good, and looks good in a baseball hat. He's always up for doing anything, even with just my friends. He even remembers their names and that Lisa had a birthday last week. His apartment is clean, he takes good care of pets, and he even let me name one of his fish in his huge immaculately clean tank (Her name is Princess Consuela). We've watched Office marathons, walked the dog on a beach, and make an amazing fooseball team together.
So here's the kicker, the kid has never tried to make a move on me.

I'm talking nothing. Forget second base, he's barely rounded first. We've made out a couple times, but I'm pretty darn sure I initiated that. I feel like we've spent enough time together now that this is just getting strange. And for a guy that's actually a year older than me, in this aspect, I kind of feel like I'm hanging out with a teenage boy. One who's cool, but kind of awkward when it comes to this stuff.

So, what gives? Is he just not that into me, or not that into girls? Are we just friends, with occasional benefits, or just friends period? Am I supposed to jump him and make him see the light, or just continue on this strange path? A little help, please???

S.A.D.: A reflection

Single's Awareness Day (if you didn't know you're single, you do now) is a revolution taking over the country (ok, maybe just taking over my groups of friends). But this non-holiday should come with a few warnings, which some of us learn the hard way. Here's how I spent my SAD and here is what I learned.

My friend Lisa, who I will now refer to as "8-year-Lisa," was all depressed because surprise, surprise, her loser long distance boyfriend didn't do anything for her for Valentine's day. This is kind of her fault since she sort of told him not to, and then she sent him something, making her feel doubly miserable.
Warning: Do not pretend to not care about Valentine's day, when you actually do care about Valentine's day. You are ensuring disappointment.
Because I'm an awesome friend, I decided to boost her spirits by having people over to my place for a night of boardgames and chocolate martinis (nothing lifts spirits like our beloved chocolate in an intoxicating form). I admit I even drove 15 min to find a liquor store that was still open. It was an emergency!

While we were out, I get a call from my Hanging Out Guy, he had stopped by my apartment and left me something on his way to his friends house. Dammit.
Warning: Firm non-believers of Valentine, should always nonchalantly slip into casual conversation several days in advance that they are in fact, firm non-believers of Valentine. It would prevent awkwardness.
This immediately made me extremely uncomfortable, as I happened to be in Walmart seeing all the paraphernalia, and starting to sweat. Honestly, the blinding pink crap looked like Cupid vomited in the aisles. (Although I did enjoy seeing husbands desperately scanning the shelves at 8 o'clock that night). I forbade Lisa from speaking of this ever again, and silently resolved, that if there was a red stuffed animal of any kind sitting at my door, then I would never see him again.

It was just a box of chocolates. The heartshaped box was unfortunate, but I like chocolate. I decided I could handle, and it went perfectly with my chocolate martinis. (But does it make me a bad person that I'm glad I wasn't there to receive that gift?) It didn't take long for 8-year-Lisa to realize what had just happened. A guy I'm casually seeing did something for me, but her long term boyfriend did nothing for her.
Warning: If a firm nonbeliever receives an unwanted/unneeded gift on Valentine's, do not let the pretending nonbeliever friend with an idiot of a boyfriend become aware of said gift. It will only lead to more disappointment and awkwardness.

The chocolates were passed around all night, and none remain. Playing Cranium with friends (including my new favorite couple) left us rolling on the floor laughing and I slept well in a chocolate/alcohol induced coma. Can't wait for next year.