Predator vs. Prey

Smug marrieds. The vain of my existence. The thorn in my side. The pain in my arse. The reason I need new friends.

I was recently out for celebratory margaritas with my two friends, 8-year-Lisa and 2 year Mary. They are not married, but they do have the smug married mindset. Lisa loves to live vicariously through me, a sure Vicarious Vulture asking for all details of a makeout sesh, while Mary is more of a Pitier, feeling sorry for anyone who hasn't found that special someone.
We got to talking about some of our coworkers, including our one friend Nate. He's a really nice guy, who happens to be the one and only single male we work with. Now, we have long since past them trying to get him and I together (Apparently to them, if a single man and a single woman even so much as know each other, then surely they should date for many years. What else is there to do with your life?) but somehow his single status returned to the conversation. Mary, who has a habit of asking dumb questions, asked one of the dumbest I've ever heard.

"Why do you think Nate is single?"

Hold the phone. Now we have to have reasons for being single??? What the hell?!
My response: "There's no reason. Why do you think I'm single?"
The prey immediately knows she is in danger of an attack as she slinks back into her chair. "Um, because you're not currently looking and haven't found anyone yet...." She trails off with a softened voice. The predator eyes her prey, as Lisa swoops into rescue the vulnerable with a joke. Mary stumbles to save herself, begging for her life, mumbling something about people needing time to themselves. Time to be single, to become confident and comfortable with themselves before they can be comfortable with anyone else. My eyes narrow.

Are you freaking kidding me?? This little girl next to me, who happens to be in therapy, is telling me that I need to be more comfortable and confident. Come on. Even the delusional 8-year-Lisa knows this is bogus. "Right, like Grayer needs more confidence." Exactly. I continue to lock eyes with my prey. I taste her fear. I sense her weakness, but slowly I retreat. I have Singletons to represent, so let's not release the crazy in my new favorite Mexican restaurant. Mary may have a point for all those serial monogamist who are never without another half. But I am not that girl. There is no particular reason I am single, I just am. And if I'm ok with that, smug marrieds should be too. What bothers me most about this question is that I can guarantee that in my absence, Mary has asked the exact same question about me.

I had to will myself to back off from pouncing on my prey. No sense in dragging the good Singleton name through the mud. So I sipped my margarita as I chose my words very carefully, in response to her ridiculous accusations.

"That is such a load of crap."