"Lo siento Señorita, no amor para ti"

A couple weeks ago, I tested out a love spell to see if anything would happen. It's been almost two weeks, and I can confidently report that this particular love spell is a bust. Nothing, nada, zilch.

But is it the love spells failure, or my lack of guapo points?

My guapo points theory is my explanation for my recent dry spell in the romance department. Earlier this year, while traveling, I had a bit of a fling with a chico muy guapo in South America. He was everything I never go for, the complete opposite of my type. (Guapo is Spanish for hottie.) The ladies even gave him the nickname "Guapo." He taught me how to dance the salsa (earning him the nickname "McSalsa") and even made it necessary to coin the phrase "lip molestation." Obviously, it was short-lived, but we had a week, which is more than some people get in a lifetime. (Dramatic/Sarcastic sigh)

The year got off to a red-hot start, but ever since? Zero, nada, zilch. Which made me start to wonder. Normally, I go for cute, nerdy guys. Not dungeons and dragons nerds, Weezer nerds. Last year, I exclusively dated guybrarians (and not on purpose). I've sworn them off for the time being. But like dating the captain of the football team, what if Guapo/McSalsa was a bit out of my league and I used up all my hypothetical guapo points?

Let's say I get 25 guapo points in a year. Men are assigned a point value, based not on their character, but on their WOW factor: Half a point being Dungeons and Dragons types who still live in their mom's basement, and 25 being the guy that give women whiplash when they walk by. Therefore, Jim Halpert is probably "only" a 10, because, while he is obviously painfully adorable, most of his perfection lies in his sweetness and sense of humor. Brad Pitt, meanwhile, is a 25 due to his outright hotness.

Guapo was around a 23. Seriously. Therefore, I only have two guapo points left in the year, and do I really want to stoop so low? Am I really that desperate? Ask again in a month, but I surely hope not.

"But what about those girls that seem to go from one guapo to another?" I'm glad you asked. Those girls, through a deal with The Devil, have been awarded hundreds of guapo points. As a result, they don't have many girlfriends, and therefore do not participate on this blog.

The Guapo Points Theory (GPT) may have been invented as a way to make me feel better about my lack of excitement, but I think it makes perfect sense.

Love Spell

Thanks to google, love spells are way too easy to find. I clicked on everythingunderthemoon.net at random for their free love and beauty spells. But before you try anything at home, please pay heed to this warning:

Remember though, using a love spell to force someone else to love you will not get you want you ultimately want, which is true love. It is best to do a spell that will bring you the person that is right for you, not one person in particular that you have a crush on. No matter how much you believe that the relationship

is meant to be, try to keep it in perspective and remember that if it were REALLY meant to be, you wouldn't have to force it to happen.


Really? Something meant to happen doesn't have to be forced? Huh. They also recommend that if you don't have a certain material the spell calls for, feel free to substitute a similar material, or just make up your own spells. Boy, I have high hopes for this website.

Since I'm a beginner, I decided to start with the Simple Love Spell.

Simple Love Spell

This spell is simple and requires no searching for exotic ingredients. It is performed to draw people to you (friends) and enhance your sexual attraction (if you desire more than friends) In many ways, this is a confidence and self esteem spell.

Confidence and self esteem spell? So I could achieve the same result if I shaved my legs and put on some sexy panties?

Do a thorough physical cleaning of your bathroom

, and cover any mirrors with material (white or pink towels or sheets are nice) Then draw a bath and to the water add a small handful (about 1/3 to 1/2 cup) sea salt or other available salt while saying:

"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

I like to take a bath every now and then, but I didn't really have the time. Luckily, the spell "recipe" also states that you can take a shower and hang a salty washcloth from it. So I did. I was also too lazy to hang white or pink towels over my mirrors. So I just avoided looking in the mirror, which I think is the same thing.

Then you're supposed to light candles and play music, following these instructions.

Turn off the lights and turn on your favorite music if possible, something that makes you feel reckless and sexy,

So "Let's Get it On," or Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" ?

or calm and at peace with yourself,

Enya?

depending on your taste, mood, and the desired end result you want....The feeling that the music evokes in you is important.

When you are finished repeat the original words, plus this ending line, so you'll say:
"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

"I am blessed, I am loving, I am loved and love myself! I am love!"



So there you have it, the first WWBD? love spell. I'll report back in a week with the results. In the meantime, I'll keep experimenting.

Hold the Eye of Newt

I had the experience of visiting Salem, Mass. this weekend, the town made infamous by hanging dozens of supposed witches in the late 17th century. To make ammends, this town truly embraces witches of all kinds. (How does witchcraft fit into this blog?, you ask. I'm getting there.)

While wandering around this tourist trap town, my sister and I decided to try out a magik shop that claimed to be the real deal. I didn't really take this seriously, obviously, but went in to look for a magic wand or something. (And seriously, there were plenty of shops that were providing real wands made just for you by real witches. Like Ollivander's in Diagon Alley or something.) However, when we walked in we quickly realized that to these people, this was no joke. A woman walked in behind us wearing purple and black robes, and the guy working in the store told her (very seriously) what a beautiful pendant she was wearing. A woman was asking for advice on which spell book was the best. I decided giggling and pointing at all the witchy paraphanalia may be a bad idea, as I could possibly be hexed. This people take their witchcraft very seriously.

For sale in the witchcraft shop was a selection of herbs for potions. Herbs for wealth, creativity, psychic powers, protection, and of course, love. My younger sister, never one to miss an opportunity to take a jab at my lack of a love life, kindly pointed out that I should really invest in some herbal love. Ha. Ha. Hilarious. Obviously, I would never be so desperate to stoop to silly fairy tale legends to get a boyfriend. Besides, I don't really know how to use it ("Do you put it in tea?," my sister asked) and the last thing I want is for a love potion to backfire on me, leaving me loveless for the rest of my spinster life. I mean, we all know what happened to Lavendar Brown when she tried to give Harry Potter love potion-laced candy, and it ended up in the hands of Ron Weasley.

But the herbal love did give me a brilliant idea. In honor of Halloween, I'm going to do a bit of research on love potions and love spells and the like, then experiment with this sorcery to find out if any of it actually works. Strictly for research purposes, of course.