A thing called 'closure'

Last week I told you about my blasts from the past.  A message from Jonny fucking Damon threw me for a loop, but no big deal.  We made plans to get together (he offered to deliver my DVD, as he should), but he ended up having to cancel due to car problems.  I believed the excuse, however I wasn't surprised that he had an excuse.  I didn't ever think it was going to actually happen and I let him know that.  After I got back from our roadtrip, he texted me asking me all about it and asking if we can get together next week.  I said yes, but I still don't think it will happen. 

What really put the whole JfD thing into perspective was an email out of fucking no where from my ex-imaginary boyfriend.  (Seriously, JfD is no big deal, he didn't break me in two like this guy did).  After milling it over for a day, I finally responded to that email.  I told him I appreciated the apology, talked a little bit of the trainwreck of our relationship, and said if he ever wanted to catch up, to give me a call some time.  I didn't think he actually would, but if he did I'd talk to him, a lot has happened in 3 years to catch up on. After I sent 'send' I held my breath every time I got into my email. But days went by without hearing from him and I forgot all about it, until this afternoon when I heard the voicemail.

As I was leaving work this evening, I stopped in my tracks and uttered out of shock "oh. my. God." (I said the same thing when I saw his email.  That and a horrified look made my mother think someone had died).   He left a cheerful message saying he was looking forward to catching up.  I listened to it twice.  Flabbergasted.  Then I go to text Violet but I can't, so I text another random friend who I had told about his email.  After I got home I drank an entire beer before I picked up the phone, took deep relaxation breaths and dialed his number.  

I talked to him for two hours.  We talked jobs, old friends, and sex (it was amazing).  We talked about what happened, we reminisced of old times, we joked and laughed, time flew by just like it used to when we talked on the phone.  I asked him what made him contact me after so long.  "I felt bad about it, I've always felt bad about but I never said anything before since I didn't know how you felt about it.  But I decided it was time no matter how you felt. Now I just know what it's like to have someone leave you and never give an explanation."  Well I'm glad he finally did.  It was an interesting conversation.  I feel like I've been validated.  He confirmed what I had thought all along.  That we actually had something.  He basically admitted we had something!  The exact same thing that he made me feel like a crazy person for thinking we had something.  He literally said "If it had been another time, another place, I think it really would have worked out"  ...!!!!!  THAT'S THE THING.  THAT is what makes you an imaginary boyfriend.  I wasn't mourning our relationship when I was getting over you.  I was mourning the what-could-have-been.  I was mourning the fact that it really could have gone somewhere but we'll never know because we didn't get the chance.  Back then he had acted like I had a imagined it, but he seems honest about it now. I wish I would have told him that.  He was even talking about seeing each other someday.  (Seriously?! You live in Montana).  He was talking about me coming to visit (He asked why I hadn't called him when I was in MT). This is what drove me crazy about him.  His talk of the future.  His I-never-thought-of-it-before-but-now-that-you-mention-it-yes-I-would-like-to-see-you-next-summer way of getting insane thoughts in your head that leaves you hoping for the future.  A future I learned that never happened.  This is why I have since had a hard time talking about the future with any guys.  I don't want to get excited about something that will never happen.    

The conversation eventually ended since he had to go to work (he's now working as a Deputy Sheriff, which made me giggle for the biology major).  But he told me to call him anytime, and let him know when I'm ever west of the Mississippi.  I'm glad I talked him.  It was fun, but it was also validation.  I'm now feeling some closure that I didn't even know I needed.  

And that my friend, is what they call...closure

There's no judging on this blog, so hear me out.

Recently I've been having the strange urge to get back in touch with Fergus. I know this makes me sounds crazy but again, hear me out.

For those of you who don't know, Fergus is my ex-boyfriend. We met when Vi and I were living in Peru. Fergus and I had a very intense relationship. 2 months after we met I went travelling around South America for 6 weeks. I then went back to Peru, moved in with Fergus and stayed there for 5 more months. On our return to the UK he lived with his parents in Scotland and I was home in England. During this time I began to feel very differently about him and then we had a very awkward 6 weeks in India and Nepal. We broke up as soon as we got back.

After the break-up I began to feel the RAGE. I haven't seen him since. Through Facebook I found out that he is also now living in London. I had to delete him off Facebook. The rage has now dissipated, which is good. I'm now with the White Horse, which is really good so I shouldn't be giving Fergus a second thought right?

Here's the thing. I've been thinking that I should see him again. Obviously not see him in that was, but meet up to chat about things. It's not like I want to dissect our relationship or what went wrong but I feel like I'm missing a little closure. (Friends reference!)

What I find difficult to come to terms with is the fact that I went from being really in love with this guy, honestly thinking I would spend the rest of my life, to not wanting to be with him, to not want him to touch me, in a remarkably short period of time. And I still don't get this. Which irritates me. We shared a lot together and he was the first guy that I lived with and now we don't talk. The problem is that I'm one of these people that finds it difficult to let the past go, and I don't think I've completely let this go. Please understand, I have zero feelings for this guy. Zero.

Never mind. Judge away. I'm crazy.

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that

Easy to walk right in and out

Of my life?

This song is the first on this great break up/rainy day album that Violet made me a few years ago with the recommendation that it be taken with a pint of ice cream. The album was probably in regular rotation in my car CD player for over a year. Last week I rediscovered why I love it so much. I've never really had my heart broken before and I have a new found respect for Violet's masterpiece.

Last week I finally talked to MM and officially ended whatever we were. I had asked him if he was avoiding me the previous week when he told me that he was busy playing video games. He said no and acted like it was no big deal, after talking practically everyday for 5 months, that he would go a week without talking to me. This really stung. Was this really so easy for him? I had been fighting the urge to text or call him all week. Meanwhile he was playing video games?

When it became apparent that MM was not going to address the elephant in the room and thought that we could just instantly go from dating to friends with no discussion, I decided that something needed to be said. I needed closure. All along MM had told me that above all else he valued my friendship and he didn't want us dating to ruin that. So when I talked to MM, I told him that if he really wanted to be friends with me, then he needed to stop being an ass and doing what was easiest for him. MM said that he was sorry and that he had avoided the situation because he didn't know what to say and he was scared. We talked about it some more and I got some of the answers that I needed. We agreed that we wouldn't talk or see each other for awhile. While it was upsetting to talk about it and relive the disappointment and rejection, it was what I really needed to begin the slow process of moving on.

At least that is what I thought. This weekend I went back on match.com and perused my options. I even updated my profile that I've had hidden for months. But I left it hidden. Even though I was trying to think of the prospect of dating other guys, I'm simply not ready to put myself out there again. I'm trying not to think about MM. This is easier said than done. During the day I stay busy, but at night I'm fighting a losing battle. MM is in my dreams. Sometimes I dream of him ending things and relive the crushing disappointment in my sleep. Other times I'm out with other guys and they just don't measure up to MM. They are boring or the chemistry just isn't there. Perhaps the most damaging, I dream that MM changed his mind and wants to try to make things work, only to awake disappointed, knowing that this isn't going to happen.

So my question for you, does this get any easier? When can I expect the dreams to end? When will I stop comparing other guys to MM only to find that they come up lacking? How long before there comes a day that I don't wake up in the morning with MM on my mind?

Closure

I know I swore I would never mention him again, but I'm going to have to break that promise. That's right, I'm talking about our inaugural member into the Fuckwit Hall of Shame: John Boy. You might remember John Boy. He's the one who decided to pull off a stealthy disappearance even though we were just friends. And stole two of my books in the process.

I have never heard from John Boy in any way, shape, or form since the lone phone call he gave me between his vacation and departure date, assuring me he would call soon and wanted to see me again. In fact, I've pretty much forgotten about his existence. Until last week, when his name popped up somewhere on my facebook page. I decided to give him a click and see what he's been up to. (It's not facebook stalking if you don't actively seek them out. Really.)

Imagine my surprise when I saw that he was now "In a Relationship." Not only that, but I immediately recognized the name as one of his friends he was on vacation with. If you recall, John Boy emailed me nearly everyday from his tropical location to give me updates, and on the last day sent me a final email telling me he was really looking forward to seeing me when he got home, but I was never to see him again. Now I know something happened on that last night to change that.

The good news is, when I saw this, I immediately laughed out loud. Clearly, I've moved on. Then I started to get a bit pissed. John Boy had become a very good friend to me. I always had fun with him, and liked talking to him. No, I don't do long distance relationships, but I have plenty of long distance friends. Hell, Fenella and I don't even live on the same continent, but we talk regularly. So why did he think he needed to pull a disappearance? Did he think I cared that much? Or maybe it was just that he cared that much?

While I was staring at his facebook page and laughing, I was tempted to write on his wall, "I want my books back, dammit!" but I refrained. Now I promise I will never mention him on this blog again. Really.

Fuckwittage confirmed: Part 2

Continued from "Fuckwittage Confirmed"...

Yes that’s right The Engineer emailed me!! (I deserved a call at the very least, right?) And no, he did not have a good excuse for ignoring me five days. This was indeed a simple straightforward case of fuckwittage!

After saying that he “thinks” he decided that we shouldn’t go out anymore, The Engineer’s email went on to say that he had fun the “couple” of times we went out but he didn’t feel that click. He also revealed that he had his heart broken a few months ago and said that he needed to get out and meet new people. (This was news to me.) He placated me by saying that I’m pretty, smart, and caring and he is probably the one losing out.

The Engineer’s email may have been appropriate (and even flattering) should I have received it after one or two dates but after you get to the point where you no longer know exactly how many dates you’ve been on, an email is clearly not acceptable. I do kind of agree with his point that we didn’t “click.” While we got along really well, what we had was more friend chemistry than romantic chemistry. Even now I feel kind of guilty saying this but I wasn’t as attracted to The Engineer as I thought I should be. I had fun with him and felt more comfortable with him than the other guys I’ve dated so I figured I would give it a chance…I thought maybe with time it could grow into something more. My dad is always telling me I’m too picky and I can’t expect life to be like a romantic comedy. I didn’t want to prove him right.

As for the rest of The Engineer’s email…I understand if he wants to get out and meet people after a bad break up but is a dating website really the place to look? Furthermore, this is the guy that told me that he wanted to see me more. His behavior prior to the cancelled date in no way implied that he wanted to be out there dating lots of people.

Despite my annoyance with The Engineer’s email, I must say that I felt an enormous sense of relief. Sure I was a little disappointed but it was liberating to know with complete certainty that it was really over and I could officially move on. Last week I was still kind of adjusting to not having The Engineer in my life. I had grown used to talking to him daily and I kind of missed him. If he had handled the break up appropriately and not acted like a complete fuckwit, I think I would have even suggested that we try to be friends. (I couldn't help but wonder after all that time if The Engineer was able to send his cowardly email and then move on without a second thought.)

I have not yet decided if I should email The Engineer back and call him out on his fuckwittage as a public service to our fellow singletons. What would Bridget do?

Fuckwittage confirmed

I had complete confidence in The Engineer. He gave me absolutely no reason to doubt him…until now. Last Monday he sent his usual “what does your schedule look like this week” email and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or have him cook me dinner at his place. After I responded, he suggested a restaurant on my way home so I wouldn’t have as long of a drive. He called the night before the date and we chatted and finalized the details for the date. Looking back everything seemed completely normal. The engineer even emailed me on Friday as if nothing was wrong and explained that he worked late the last two days but there was no apology for canceling the date nor has he called. This of course confused me further.

As you are not quite as emotionally involved, you may have already guessed based on my previous post and my intro…The Engineer committed one of the worst dating sins…the disappearance. (This has been discussed previously by Violet.) The problem with the disappearance is that you are stripped of your right of closure. Even worse is a sudden disappearance. In all of my previous relationships there was a withdrawal period prior to the break up. The withdrawal period gives you a chance to emotionally check out of the relationship so that when the breakup actually occurs it is like shedding a burden rather than a complete surprise.

So all weekend I was feeling shell shocked and somewhat in denial. I tried to keep busy and hung out with friends and family. All this time I was asking myself, “How did this happen? Why won’t he call?” After dating for almost two months and communicating almost daily, I couldn’t believe The Engineer was capable of such complete and utter fuckwittage. I kept thinking to myself, “There must be some mistake!” But I knew deep down that I needed to accept that maybe just maybe The Engineer was a fuckwit disguised as a nice guy.

Yes I know I am a woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. Not only am I awesome but I’m also hotter and younger than The Engineer so this is clearly his loss…so why couldn’t I stop staring at my phone waiting for it to ring?

I broke down and called him on Saturday but after a few rings it went to voice mail. So I sent a text saying that I didn’t know what was going on but it looked like he was blowing me off and I’d appreciate a call. Yet still I got no response! Finally on Sunday evening he emailed me…

[To be continued.]