Goodbye, my almost lover
Almost lovers always do
This song is the first on this great break up/rainy day album that Violet made me a few years ago with the recommendation that it be taken with a pint of ice cream. The album was probably in regular rotation in my car CD player for over a year. Last week I rediscovered why I love it so much. I've never really had my heart broken before and I have a new found respect for Violet's masterpiece.
Last week I finally talked to MM and officially ended whatever we were. I had asked him if he was avoiding me the previous week when he told me that he was busy playing video games. He said no and acted like it was no big deal, after talking practically everyday for 5 months, that he would go a week without talking to me. This really stung. Was this really so easy for him? I had been fighting the urge to text or call him all week. Meanwhile he was playing video games?
When it became apparent that MM was not going to address the elephant in the room and thought that we could just instantly go from dating to friends with no discussion, I decided that something needed to be said. I needed closure. All along MM had told me that above all else he valued my friendship and he didn't want us dating to ruin that. So when I talked to MM, I told him that if he really wanted to be friends with me, then he needed to stop being an ass and doing what was easiest for him. MM said that he was sorry and that he had avoided the situation because he didn't know what to say and he was scared. We talked about it some more and I got some of the answers that I needed. We agreed that we wouldn't talk or see each other for awhile. While it was upsetting to talk about it and relive the disappointment and rejection, it was what I really needed to begin the slow process of moving on.
At least that is what I thought. This weekend I went back on match.com and perused my options. I even updated my profile that I've had hidden for months. But I left it hidden. Even though I was trying to think of the prospect of dating other guys, I'm simply not ready to put myself out there again. I'm trying not to think about MM. This is easier said than done. During the day I stay busy, but at night I'm fighting a losing battle. MM is in my dreams. Sometimes I dream of him ending things and relive the crushing disappointment in my sleep. Other times I'm out with other guys and they just don't measure up to MM. They are boring or the chemistry just isn't there. Perhaps the most damaging, I dream that MM changed his mind and wants to try to make things work, only to awake disappointed, knowing that this isn't going to happen.
So my question for you, does this get any easier? When can I expect the dreams to end? When will I stop comparing other guys to MM only to find that they come up lacking? How long before there comes a day that I don't wake up in the morning with MM on my mind?
4 comments:
Ok, to answer your questions: Yes, it gets easier, I promise. When? I don't know. When will you stop comparing him to every other guy you meet? When you realize that MM was far from perfect. Not even close. No guy who is worthy of your time would act like that. Offering to take you to a hockey game for your birthday was the final straw in my book. You are not a sports person! And for your BIRTHDAY?! Unacceptable.
I know that doesn't stop it from hurting, but you have to knock him off that pedestal on which he is currently perched. It will take some time, yes. Not seeing him will definitely help. If I have one regret with McNerdy (well, I have more than one, but the Big One) is that we went from dating to just friends without any time apart. I think I would have gotten over him a lot faster had I not seen him for awhile. But once you do knock him off that pedestal, you'll stop thinking that other guys don't measure up. I can't promise the dreams will stop, but hopefully at least they'll change to you telling him off and waking up feeling wonderful.
There is no easy answer to this. You cannot force yourself to get over a person or to stop having strong feelings for a person. It will happen naturally, though not always quickly.
What you can do is try and distract yourself from thinking about him, and then gradually you'll find that you don't need the distraction because you're not really thinking about him all that much anymore.
The first thing is that you need space and you need to stop all contact with him. I agree completely with Violet, going from dating to friends is a big mistake! I tried that with my ex (I was suffering from THE RAGE, but it's the same concept!) and it just didn't work. I haven't had any contact with him at all in about 3 months and not contacting him as really helped with the recovery process.
Secondly, don't think you need to start dating again straight away. Take some time over it. Your heart obviously isn't in it at the moment so what's the point? Go out with friends, drink some wine, generally just try and relax and find a bit of happiness, the dating will follow after that.
As for the dreams...try thinking about a very hot, desirable celebrity as you're drifting off to sleep, hopefully he'll replace MM in your dreams. I'm currently using Chris Pine, but I'll let you borrow him ;)
Remember, time heals all wounds. You just have to let it.
I just want to say, I could not listen to this song for months after things ended with my ex-imaginary boyfriend (actually I still don't listen to it a year and a half later). He was the first guy I ever had to get over, and I waited for the day when I could not think about him. Dreams weren't so much a problem because I hardly slept the summer after he left.
This is what imaginary boyfriends do. They get you to almost love them, then they crush you by just wanting to be friends. But you can't be friends right away, because you're still thinking of what could have been. This is why they are the devil.
Don't worry. You'll get over it. It will take time. But one day, you'll stop thinking about him. You'll realize he wasn't right for you or that you were only meant to be friends. Or in my case, you'll realize that he's a douchebag, and hearing things about his messed up life via Facebook will make you laugh. The end.
Thanks for the support girls! It has been nearly a week since I've contacted MM and I'm holding strong. I admit, in a moment of weakness over the weekend, I almost emailed him a funny video that made me think of him. I went as far as opening a blank email and entering his email address but I resisted actually sending it. A small victory.
I think I'm going to see him at a party one of our mutual friends is throwing this weekend. We'll see how that goes...
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