For some time now I've known (and you've known) that it was just a matter of time before things with MM would end. Before he left for his business trip, it was fun. Even though I wasn't always happy with where things were going, I always laughed and had a good time when I was with him. The relationship hadn't fully run it's course. I felt like I needed to see it through to the end. (I mean you don't stop reading a good book three fourths of the way though, right?) On top of that, with how awful my job has been, I needed MM. We had become codependent, much like Violet and I. When I was having a bad day at work, I could text or email him and he would be supportive and cheer me up.
Well, after talking consistently while he was gone, MM returned from his business trip last week. I knew from the tone of his emails over the last few weeks, things weren't going to be the same when he returned. We hung out and conversation was easy and pretty much the same as always. Despite this everything was all wrong. We couldn't return to the carefree summer months anymore than I could turn off my feelings. I had missed him so much over the month and a half that he was gone. I wanted to cuddle. I wanted a distraction from my issues at work. I wanted some action and I could tell I wasn't going to get it.
After this I started trying to wean myself off of him somewhat. I wasn't going to be a needy girl. I saw him one more time last Sunday. We went to the movies and dinner. The movie was awful. It seemed even more strained than the last time. I think I needed this to really start letting go and move on. He kissed me goodnight, but it wasn't a passionate kiss. More out of habit than anything else. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be disinterested.
I really thought that I'd accepted that the end was here but, after a gut wrenching bout of food poisoning, here I sit feeling sorry for myself because I have no plans this weekend and I haven't heard from MM since Sunday. I'm listening to "Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken" by Camera Obscura and thinking "Is anyone ever REALLY ready to be heartbroken?" I really miss what MM and I had. I miss how easy it was to be with him. I miss our friendship. I scanned the online dating websites and didn't see anyone that I was even vaguely interested in. I'm honestly terrified that it will be years before I find someone that I'm into as much as I was into MM.
Of course itunes conveniently followed that song up with Carly Simons' version of "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning." You may remember it from Sleepless in Seattle.
When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all
At least Carrie Underwood cut me a break with the next song "The More Boys I meet the more I love my dog." I couldn't agree more. So tomorrow I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, and take my dog for a long rejuvenating walk at the park. Maybe she will pick up a hot guy for me?
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Update:
MM called me. Apparently he played dungeon and dragons type video games all week. (He had off work.) MM only left the house twice and once was to get vodka. He hadn't shaved all week. He said he had lost weight. He hadn't even showered in over 24 hours.
MM said that he wanted to be single. I didn't realize that meant he wanted to revert to being a hermit. As a friend, I was too annoyed to do anymore than call him a dork and tell him "You seriously NEED to get out of the house!"
Did he call you just to tell you that he wanted to be single?
Anytime you put yourself out there for someone, you're saying that you are indeed ready to be heartbroken. Otherwise, you close yourself off (just like MM did and I did for quite awhile after the McNerdy fail). Fenella and I have a good friend who says the most insightful things while playing UNO, and one of them was to rephrase this song with the words, "I'm ready to put myself in a position to be screwed over." And that's not really a bad thing. Sure, it hurts when it all goes wrong, but we live and learn!
No, he didn't even mention anything about being single when he called. I meant previously he said that he needed to be single right now and wasn't ready for a relationship.
Maybe its because I'm a girl but what MM described was not what I envisioned as enjoying being single. It sounded more like he was escaping reality.
Is it bad that I felt a little better knowing he was being a shut in rather than going out and celebrating?
Firstly Scarlet can I just say that it's great to have you blogging and commenting again!
Secondly, any guy that spends all week playing dungeon and dragons type video games all week is so not worth your time.
Thirdly, I agree with Vi, it's not a bad thing to put yourself in a position to be screwed over. All experiences are learning experiences.
Finally, I need to listen to this song you are all talking about!
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