Abstinence Works! (But who cares?)

Last week, I got an absolutely fabulous gift in the mail from Fenella: an album of our fabulous 10 days together. The album included both pictures (like the one above, seen on our roadtrip) as well as quotes. We thought we would share some of these quotes with you, completely out of context, for your enjoyment. We enjoyed making them.

"I'll make you a meal that will make you wet." -The Cute Neighbor

"I'll get all gooey and want to reproduce." -Violet

"Don't you know how to spread your legs?" -Fenella

"Aching uterus... ah!" -Vi again, can't shake the baby ache!

"Seven years of bad sex? I'm heading towards seven years of no sex..." -Fen, taking the billboard to heart ;)

"Pulsating vibrator" -generated by Mad Libs

"This is random, but... you totally have my permission to make out with McNerdy." -Vi

"Who needs a boyfriend when I have you?" I think Vi to Fen, but it could have been the other way around. There were lots of margaritas involved.

"I really hope he doesn't do something weird, like howl like a werewolf when he comes."

The Nanny Diaries

I'm proud to say that I have found something that will help with my baby ache AND fulfill one of my New Year's Resolutions at the same time. No, I didn't get myself knocked up. But I did secure further employment that helps with that pesky ache: I'm now a nanny. (I have also apparently decided to try to add as many porn fantasy jobs as possible to my resume. Librarian? Check. Teacher? Check. Nanny? Check!)

In order to prepare for my newfound employment, I of course re-read The Nanny Diaries. My own real-life Mrs. X is a single parent, though, so no hiding of the mistress's panties or sitting in the middle of domestic disputes will be necessary.

With visions of meeting a hot manny (but not quite nearly as sensitive as Sandy and his recorder) on the playground or my own Harvard Hottie in the elevator dancing through my head, I set off on Monday for my new gig. I was a little worried about how Eloise would respond to me. I knew she would like me eventually, (as all kids d0) but her current nanny has been with her for a year. I was expecting a bit of the same reaction Nanny got from Grayer (X) on her first few days.

No need to worry. As soon as Eloise opened the car door when we picked her up from school, she said "Hi, Violet! Do you like me yet?"

You had me at hello, kid.

She's already been mistaken for mine. I knew it would happen, since she's kind of a mini-me, but the other day at the book store, a man said, "She looks just like you!" I politely informed him she wasn't mine, but I'm sure it will happen again and again. And as I'm already playing mommy, I'll just say thank you instead of explaining. I mean, today I took her to the doctor and had to hold the cup for her while she peed in it- and all over my hand. If that's not a mom thing to do, I don't know what is.

But is it a bad thing that everytime the elevator doors slide open, I wait with baited breath for a Harvard Hottie to walk on? Yeah, I thought so too.

Under Pressure

Over the past few years I've been feeling some pressure from my dad to give him grandchildren. I find this kind of ridiculous. I'm still in my mid twenties afterall. It started out with my dad's friends having grandchildren. I would over hear their conversations where my dad would say that neither I, nor my brother, would be having kids anytime soon. Then he started throwing comments in about how he wanted grandchildren. My dad doesn't seem to understand how hard it is to find the right person. He was, and probably still is, convinced that my singleton status is a choice. If I really wanted to be in a relationship then I would be and the fact that I wasn't in some way meant that I was standing between him and the grandchildren that he desired. He even went so far as to purchase a baby quilt at a church auction for the phantom babies in his dreams.

This whole thing has caused some conflict between my dad and I. On some occasions, I admit that I've lost my cool. As I argued with my dad, the twitch in my eye became more pronounced. At one point I even became so exasperated that I yelled at him and left the dinner table crying.

After this incident, my mom told my dad he wasn't allowed to make any comments to me about dating or babies. Over this past year he has been very good about this. Even when he knew I was dating someone, for the most part he didn't ask questions or make comments. (I'm sure this is killing him.) However, now when I overhear him talking to friends instead he seeks pity by saying things like "I'm never going to have grandchildren" in a dejected tone.

A couple of weeks ago I left my dad alone with one of my guy friends. This may have been a mistake. Somehow my dad turned the conversation on my dating and his desire for grandchildren. (Mind you he was talking to my friend who has been trying unsuccessfully to have children with his wife for several years.) Apparently, while talking to me about this is off limits, my friends are not. My guy friend told my dad that I was dating MM for a while and said that I had a couple of prospects now. This last part was of course a lie to placate my father. He also reminded my dad that some people can't have children.

The irony is that I always wanted to have children, but now I'm not so sure. Violet wrote a post last month on baby aches and I found that I couldn't relate at all. Maybe this is in part because I've been so stressed and unhappy with my job. Even thinking about adding children to the mix is terrifying. Maybe I'm just trying not to put the cart before the horse. (Lets face it, I need to find a guy first.) Or maybe the pressure to produce progeny is just too much for me.

My uterus feels... empty

As Grayer is quick to point out, I am the one around here feeling the pressure to settle down and reproduce. I don't deny this fact. I admit it: I have the babyache. Some of you may know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't, it's a little something like this: Every time you see a baby or a young child, you get this achy (empty) feeling in your uterus. And in some cases, if the baby or young child in question does something particularly adorable, you may start to get choked up, or actual tears may come to your eyes. My friends joke about it, but it pretty much sucks.

So why the sudden baby aches? Are my ovaries really drying up? (By the way, that joke gets less and less funny every time...) I still have a few years to go before I hit 30, and women are having children much later these days, so I don't really think that has to do with it. If I had to, I would pin it to one incident in particular that happened just over a year ago.

I was volunteering in South America, and on the weekends, I would volunteer at a local orphanage. The girls were adorable, and it broke my heart every time I went to leave and they got upset or asked me not to go (because everyone in their life has left them at some point). One afternoon, I was sitting on a swing with one of the younger girls in my lap. The swing functioned as a rocking chair, and she ended up falling asleep. And with that, the baby aches began.

I try to keep that to myself as much as possible though, since letting potential mates know that my uterus feels empty and my ovaries are drying up isn't much of a turn on...