The Year of Yes

Someone was recently telling me about a memoir called The Year of Yes by Maria Dahvana Headley. I was reminded of this book by Violet's New Year's resolution to say yes to all date offers, no matter what her initial opinion of the offerer. (I'm assuming this includes locals in Violet's hometown?)

Like us the author of this book was frustrated with the dating scene and she decided to say yes to all date offers. I plan to read Headley's memoir and review it on this blog. Maybe it will motivate me to say "yes" with less pessimism.

Here is a brief summary of the book if you are interested:
"Why not go out on a date with everyone who asks you? Plenty of reasons. They might be crazy. They might be creepy. They might be something other than what you're looking for. But then again, how would you know? Isn't love supposed to be blind? Isn't it supposed to be about who the person really is, not about what they look like?" "The Year of Yes is an account of one woman's quest to find a man she can stand (for longer than a couple of hours). Frustrated by her own pitiful taste, writer Maria Headley decided to leave her love life up to fate, going out with everyone who asked her: homeless men, taxi drivers and yes, even a couple of women. Opening her heart and mind to the possibility that her perfect match might be the person she least expected, she spent twelve months dating most of New York City."--BOOK JACKET.

Question of the week: New Years Resolutions

What are your New Year's Resolutions? While you are brain storming on how to better yourself in the New Year, here are some of my favorite New Year's Resolutions from Bridget Jones's Diary:

I will not...

• Waste money on: pasta makers, ice-cream machines or other culinary devices which will never use; books by unreadable literary authors to put impressively on shelves; exotic underwear, since pointless as have no boyfriend.
• Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching.
• Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.
• Get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.
• Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of character.
• Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. as best way to obtain boyfriend.

I will...

• Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week.
• Reduce circumference of thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 1 1/2 inches each), using anticellulite diet.
• Give all clothes which have not worn for two years or more to homeless.
• Be more confident.
• Be more assertive.
• Not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music.
• Go to the gym three times a week not merely to buy a sandwich.
• Make compilation "mood" tapes so can have tapes ready with all favorite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembled instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over floor.
• Form functional relationship with responsible adult.

OK so I like them all and found it difficult to narrow down my list of favorites.

What part of He's Just Not that Into You do you not understand?

Ladies, we are smart creatures. Some may argue the smartest. We are capable of running large corporations, giving birth, holding high political office, and even running for President. So why, when it comes to an attractive chap, do we forget about all these things that we're capable of and turn into insecure maniacs? This is why every girl needs a copy of He's Just Not That Into You (Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo) to keep handy every time you want to call up a girlfriend to dissect last night's date's body language. I don't believe in "self-help" books, or even dating books, since most of them are complete crap, (which is why we've included a list of the only books of that sort that are worth your time on our page) but this one is necessary.

Behrendt claims that "men are not that complicated, although they'd like you to think they are." Turns out, if they're into us, they'll let us know. What? No games? If our girl Bridget read this, it would BLOW HER MIND.

Apparently, it's all very simple. He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out, not calling you (DON'T call him), not dating you, not having sex with you, having sex with someone else, only wants to see you when he's drunk, he's disappeared on you, breaking up with you, doesn't want to marry you (so if you're still holding out for that ring after 8 years, it's best to call it a day), he's married, or if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak.

Now, I've been disappeared on, but that didn't really have that much of an effect on me. (You remember The Heavy Breather, right?) But I am embarrassed to say that after my ex-imaginary boyfriend suggested that we go back to "just being friends," I didn't really believe him. Don't ask me why or how I was capable of this kind of stupidity, but sadly, it's true. I figured it was only a matter of time before he came to his senses and came crawling back. Then I read this book. When I read the words "100% of men polled said that when they broke up with someone, it always meant that they didn't want to go out with them anymore," I almost called up my alma mater and offered to give back my degree. It's so simple!

Yes, we all want to find someone to live out our old age with, but don't we all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is seriously into us? I know that Greg has never met me, but when he says that I'm a foxy, smart, funny woman who deserves better, I believe him.

So dump the bum, get out there, and find the man who thinks you're a goddess!

Very few men fail to disappoint.

Legends say that Ernest Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in six words. His answer for this was "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn." In response to this fabled story, SMITH magazine in 2006 started a contest: Tell your story in six words. The outcome is a book of six-word memoirs: Not quite what I was planning. I just wanted to share some of my favorite short, short stories of love and war. So tell us, what's your story?

• I still make coffee for two.
• Love the men. Hate the commitment.
• Yes to every date, met mate.
• Anything's possible with an extension cord.
• Found true love, married someone else.
• What the hell, might as well
• It's not you. It's me. Honest.
• Batteries are cheap. Who needs men?
• Discovered moral code via Judy Blume.
• Smart, tall, independent woman. Men scarce.
• Too many lovers-too little time.
• Snuggling, setups. These are my specialties.
• Lucky in everything else but love.
• Alone at home, cat on lap.
• Just in: Boyfriend's gay. Merry Christmas.
• Revenge is living well, without you.
• She always wore socks to bed.
• More broken bones than broken hearts.
• I waste time looking for love.
• Saw clearly after blind date: Marriage!
• Secretly, I dream of my ex-boyfriend.
• Never a bridesmaid, always a bride.
• Sexy single, married not so much.
  

Question of the Week

What are your dealbreakers?

Mr. Almost Perfect

I admit, I have very high standards. My list of dealbreakers is very, very long. Too long. I'm working on being a bit more open-minded, which will have to wait until I move, because I never EVER date boys who are from my current location. Is my pickiness the reason I'm still single? I don't know, but it may be the reason why I haven't had a real, honest-to-goodness boyfriend in far too long. (Imaginary boyfriends don't count.)

A few months ago, I met Mr. Almost Perfect. He was cute. He was funny. No, HILARIOUS. He was sweet. He was a European Jim Halpert. And we were sitting on the world's most isolated inhabited island together. It seemed too good to be true, which, of course, it was. Mr. Almost Perfect was a smoker.

Now, I really don't think Mr. Almost Perfect and I ever could have lived happily ever after. First of all, we carry different passports, making it geographically impossible. But it had been awhile, so I thought maybe the Rapa Nui gods had reached down and given me a sack full of fresh guapo points and a weekend fling on the remotest of remote islands was exactly what I needed. Sadly, it was not to be.

I tried to tell myself that smoking is a silly dealbreaker when simply looking for a little weekend fun, but I wasn't very convincing. I mean, who wants to kiss an ashtray? Granted, he didn't exactly make the moves on me, but I also nagged him every time he lit up, so I can't imagine that was a very attractive quality. When he told me that he had only recently started the habit up again, I was tempted to reply, "Well then, why don't you go home, quit, then CALL ME."

When it was time to part ways, I wasn't all that upset about it. At least I know that the good guys are out there, somewhere. Jim Halpert does exist. You just may have to go to the ends of the earth to find him.

Introducing the meetup

I went to my first meetup group this week. The meetup group I joined is a social group for people in my local area in their mid 20s to late 30s. The group is relatively new and so far it seems that they have mostly just done dinner and drinks. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect not knowing anyone but I’m happy to report that everyone was really open and welcoming. We went out to dinner and then later went out to a bar with pool and various other games. I’m sure Violet will be happy to hear that I found some fellow Twilight fans at the meetup. It was a good mix of singletons and couples but so far I have not identified any smug marrieds. Quite a few of the people in attendance were new to the group like my self.

As a followup to my Meeting Other Singletons post. Is this a legitimate way to meet other singletons of the opposite sex? Yes I think so. I went into this in the frame of mind that I just wanted to meet people and expand my group of friends in the area. However, to my surprise within less than 24 hours of the meetup I’d received emails from 2 out of the 3 single guys that I’d met at the event. (The 3rd guy wasn't my type anyway.) While that doesn’t necessarily mean they are interested, I didn’t receive any emails from the girls that I met. In summary if you are looking for single men, a social Meetup of this type may be your answer. Without even laying on the charm, it seemed to have more immediate results than online dating.

Now that I have scoped it out, I may recruit some of my friends in the area to join. I’ll keep you posted! Tonight I think I might take my own advice and mix wine and Christmas cards…you know really spread the Christmas spirit.

Book Review: How to be Single

When I first spotted How To Be Single on the bookshelf, I thought to myself: I should read that. You know, to make sure I'm doing it right. But HTBS is not a how-to book, it's a novel about a woman writing a how-to book. Written by Liz Tuccillo, who co-wrote one of our favorites, He's Just Not That Into You (which I'll be reviewing soon), the story starts out by introducing the reader to a single, 38-year old New Yorker and her four friends. One of the friends is on the rebound after her husband left her for a much younger samba instructor, another can't get herself out of bed because her cat just died (three months ago), one hasn't had sex in several years and decides to take a vow of celibacy in search of spiritual enlightenment, and the other quit her job as a lawyer so she can search for Mr. Right full-time. All this prompts the main character to take off on a trip around the world, trying to figure out if other cultures know how to be single better than we do.

The book got off to an excellent start, full of great pearls of wisdom. If I hadn't been reading a borrowed copy, I probably would have highlighted a few passages, but here are a few examples:

• In the good old days, online dating was considered a hideous embarrassment, something that no one would be caught dead admitting to... Now the reaction you will get from people when they hear that you're single and not doing some form of online dating is that you must not really want it that bad. It has become the bottom line, the litmus test for how much you're willing to do for love... If you're not willing to spend the 1,500 hours, 39 coffees, 47 dinners, and 432 drinks to meet him, then you just don't want to meet him badly enough and you deserve to grow old and die alone.
• I don't think you can ever just sit back and let love just find you. Love isn't that clever.
• ...a big part of being single. Hope. Friends. And making sure you get out of your damn apartment.

But this is not a book that will actually teach you how to be single, and at the two-thirds point through the end, actually gets a bit depressing. Despite the author's tendency to start sentences with "so," I would recommend it. Just don't expect to find a life map for how to be single.

Fuckwittage forgiven...almost

Ok, I am so proud of myself. It was less than a week ago that I was absolutely outraged that my ex-imaginary boyfriend was back with his ex girlfriend. I had many choice words for him, mainly variations of "WTF?"

Well, I just talked to him and I hardly even wanted to bring it up. However, I am a girl of many opinions, so I couldn't just not mention it. So he explained. He loves her and still misses her. They're not physically together and they know it will be very difficult, but they're considering getting back together. He did feed me some bullshit, "I wasn't happy when we were together because I wasn't happy with myself," just to name one. But I talked to him like a friend would. I voiced some gentle concerns, since I was there at the end of their relationship, and I knew the reasonings for the demise.

There was no anger. No jealousy. I did not call him an idiot or ask any variation of WTF? I just wanted him to think it through, to not settle, to not allow himself to be unhappy. All I feel for him is genuine concern and I simply asked him not to sell himself short. I've come a long way.

Unfortunately, he had to ruin it by sincerely thanking me for caring, and saying that he hopes I will find someone to make me happy. GAHHH!

Question of the Week: Bella Swan: Modern Day Juliet?

We here at WWBD? cannot deny that we are Twi-hards (die-hard fans of Twilight and the new breed of vampire). I think it's safe to say that we are all a little in love with Edward (but apparently not as much as we are with Jim Halpert), but the heroine, Bella, is a controversial figure. So I pose this week's Question of the Week:

Is Bella a stereotypical teenage girl, madly in love with her super-hot vampire boyfriend?

or

Is her devotion to said super-hot vampire boyfriend and the fact that she cooks dinner AND washes the dishes for her father every day a giant step backwards for female characters and feminists?

Imaginary boyfriends:Fuckwittage at its finest

The imaginary boyfriend has struck again. And I haven't even seen him in 6 months!

Last spring I started seeing this guy. We worked together closely and he had just broken up with a long time girlfriend so we kept it very hush-hush. Actually no one really knows the depth of relationships. We had a chemistry that I've never had with anyone else. We found each other very funny, we talked for hours and hours, and we even thought a like (in an "Ok, this is weird sort of way"), he was constantly taking the words right out of my mouth. We hadn't known each other very long, but we knew each other so well. Basically it was perfect, although imaginary.

The underlying problem was always his ex-girlfriend, he still had to be friends with her and she called him all the time. For months he had been talking about the lack of their relationship, lack of chemistry, how she never listened to him, how she wouldn't even kiss him (and he was a damn good kisser, seriously, best ever). I never doubted that she was a great person but she wasn't the greatest person for him.

After about three months of bliss with me, he moved out west with friends. He thought he needed to be single for a while, and I couldn't have agreed more. I was a little heartbroken and until very very recently I don't think I was truly over him. (ok perhaps I'm not over him). I still had hopes of him coming back, and like any imaginary breakup, I of course wasn't mourning what was over, but mourning what could have been. But lately I hardly even think of him, even when I knew he was recently back in the state. Until a couple of hours ago when I heard news that brought up this strange hot anger boiling up inside me.

He's back with her. Her. I was prepared for awful blow when I would finally learn he was dating someone. But he's back with her. And I am infuriated. I don't even know what to say, I'm so angry. What a complete fuckwitting idiot. They're not even in the same state either. It's as if every single thought and feeling he shared with me was a lie. It's as if our relationship was just a little tryst, a little holiday away from a controlling girlfriend who won't even make out with him. Ahhh, I'm so pissed. And damnit, I want to tell him. I want him to explain to my face why they are back together, and then I want to remind him of why he left her in the first place. I know she doesn't know we had been together after they broke up. But I want to tell her. And I swear I'm not an angry ex, seeking revenge (but yes I am angry). More than anything else, I'm just so disappointed in him, he is selling himself way too short. Can't I just tell him that?

Meeting Other Singletons

Like Bridget, do you find yourself drunk and singing "All by myself" in your living room on a Friday night? If you have even considered this solo performance, then this post is dedicated to you!

Once we enter the “real world” (not a reference to the MTV show) there are fewer opportunities to meet other singletons. (This may be even more of an issue for those of us who are daring enough to move away from friends and family.) And no I’m not just referring to my inability to meet single, straight males of the non-fuckwit variety; now I often find myself with nothing to do on a Friday night. In college this was unheard of! I always had something to do whether it was hanging out with friends or conquering the massive amount of schoolwork that was ever-present. Unfortunately a majority of my friends are no longer in the area. While Violet and I talk several times a week, sadly I can count on my hands how many times I have actually seen her in the last three and a half years. (We jokingly refer to our lesbi-friendship as our most successful long-distance relationship ever.) I’m sure that I’m not the only loser that finds themselves alone on a Friday night, so I decided to prepare a list of some ways to meet other singletons. (Some are more reliable than others and unfortunately if you don’t live in a city your options may be limited.)

• Smile – I read somewhere that if you smile people will be more likely to approach you. This is kind of obvious but this applies to any of the options below.
• Class – Take a class at a college or technical school or at a gym. Choose something that you are interested in but it might be preferable to choose an interactive class, such as a cooking class. This does happen…my first class in grad school resulted in a date.
• Dog park – This is only an option if you like dogs. And please do not borrow a dog and pretend it is yours. In theory I think this could work. As an animal lover I know how obsessed people are about their pets.
• Grocery Store/Hardware store – From my experiences and discussion with other women, the guys that hit on women at grocery store are generally not high quality men. (I once had an old man (at least 20 years older) at the grocery store tell me I was cute and then follow it up by telling me that he worked at a prison and had a beach house. Only then did he ask me how old I was to make sure I was legal. I couldn’t walk away fast enough. Men, let this be a lesson to you!)
• Planes/Trains – Does this really ever happen? I have my doubts!
• Bars – This one is pretty self explanatory and very popular but not my style. (Bars are too loud and drunk people don’t always show their most attractive side.)
• Online dating – I have tried this with no long term results but it may be a good alternative to bars for someone such as myself.
• Speed Dating – This may only an option in cities but imagine the possibilities. How many bad dates can you fit in one night? It is a numbers game.
• House of worship – Some churches have groups for people in their 20s and 30s.
• Setups – Get friends or family members who know you well to set you up. Be careful who you ask though!
• Arranged marriage – Not an option for me but I thought I’d put it out there. (I have to say I’m glad my parents don’t have that kind of power.)
• Intramural or community club – I’m not athletically inclined so this option is out for me.
• Meetup group – I found one of these in my area for people in their 20s and 30s that I’m going to try. I’ll report back with my thoughts.

Well, that was awkward

A great (albeit, often awkward) part of the holiday season is returning home to see the people you've left behind. Until you see the one that you, literally, left behind: the ex-boyfriend. Let's start at the beginning.

It was my senior year of college. I was fully enjoying being single and had no plans to change that. Of course, when you're truly resistant to even the idea of a boyfriend, every male wants to date you (Why is that? Let's file that away for later). Anti-boyfriend and commitment phobic, it was pure accident that I started seeing this guy (previously of The Taken, of course). He was a lot of fun, but that's where it stopped, I saw no future with him. He did not agree. I warned him from the very beginning that this would go no where, that I would be moving. We seemed to have an understanding, or perhaps just a mutual avoidance of the subject. The end of summer loomed, yet I was too selfish to end things. I'd be moving many hours away but I liked him too much and I didn't want to hurt him. It worked for a little while, we saw each other every few weeks, but I started to change. I was loving grad school, the new area, new friends, and was beginning to crush on new boys. And then he did the unthinkable. He offered to move to be with me (8 hours; 1 year in).

I couldn't allow it. When I came home for Christmas it had been previously decided that this would be the last of us. He was understanding. We both wanted what was best for each other. My reasoning was that he'd never be happy in my new home, it was too different. And more than that, I couldn't let him move because I knew that if he did, I'd never be able to get out of the relationship. How do you break up with a guy that moved states away to be with you? So that was it, we were done. We kept in touch and when I was home again six months later we met up for drinks. Our meeting was fine, not awkward at all, just like old friends. But then, he unfriended me on Facebook (a slap in the face, really) and stopped all other communication as well.

Apparently he no longer wanted to be friends, so I was a little nervous to see him at the bar this Thanksgiving. As the night wore on, we decided to sit down and talk, catch up on our lives. All was well for awhile, but his continuous drafts was causing a depressing drunkenness. And a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. The more he talked, the more questions he asked, the more uncomfortable I became. He missed hanging out with a girl, he hadn't had a girlfriend since me, I apparently made him gun shy, and really f%@&ed him up. He said he missed me and I had no response other than fidgeting in my seat. He asked why I wouldn't let him move with me and I gave him the "you wouldn't be happy there" response. He thought he'd be happy anywhere with me. I fidgeted some more. He thought he'd be over me by now. I looked him in the eyes and apologized, it was the only thing I could do, other than fidget. The awkardness ended in a hug and him saying it would be a bad idea to see each other again. Which was probably true.

On the drive back North, I thought about him a lot. I felt awful that I just randomly showed up and wrecked him again. I just thought he'd be over it by now. I had been selfish and even though I told him it would go nowhere, it was my mistake to let it go somewhere and give him false hope. I don't blame him for not wanting to see me again, I pretty much deserve that. As I truly believe in dating Karma, I fear what this break-up has done for mine. Maybe for every heart that one breaks, one is equally heartbroken. It only seems fair.

The Disappearing Act

As I mentioned in my answer to last week's Question of the Week, my biggest dating pet peeve is the disappearance. Sadly, I've been a victim of the disappearance. Remember The Heavy Breather? Yup, he was the guilty party. And before I smear his reputation, let me just say that overall, he's a very good guy. But as we all know far too well, fuckwittage can happen to good people.

After we had been seeing each other for just over a month (both on the rebound, remember) The Heavy Breather started to annoy me. His lame jokes were no longer cute, they were groan inducing, and I suddenly realized that he had this horribly annoying habit of saying "Well, if it makes you feel any better..." after I said anything that was slightly negative or complaining (or even if I wasn't, it was really weird. Come to think about it, maybe he was trying to steer the conversation back to himself?) But I decided to give him one more chance not to annoy me. Only then he disappeared. He stopped calling. He was suddenly busy. The last straw was when he suggested getting together on a particular Friday night, then five minutes later, he told me that Friday night really wasn't good for him. Excuse me? So I told him to quit being a fuckwit (and yes, I used that term, he told me later he had to look it up in the urban dictionary).

In order to give you all the details, here is the conversation Scarlet and I had just after this happened, saved forever thanks to gmail. (And yes, all our conversations are this fascinating.)

V: I have serious news for you
it's about The Heavy Breather
S: oh?
V: oh yes
So he emails me today and asks what I want to do on Friday, so I tell him
I suggest a movie, and I even send him a link to the showtimes and the theaters in which it is playing
I did all the work
so he emails me back (this is all within a few hours) and tells me he doesn't think he has time for a movie, maybe just some ice cream or maybe not at all and maybe hanging out on Friday is just a bad idea
WTF?!?!?!
S: why did he even bother to email you
V: I don't know
S: he could have just let it go...it would have been less awkward
V: oh there's more
so I'm checking my e-mail before Ugly Betty, and he dinks me to tell me he's sorry again about tomorrow night
I said ok
then he says he thought he'd have more time, but there's things he needs to talk to me about
so I borrowed a phrase from Bridget Jones and did something I've never ever done before, and told him it seemed like complete fuckwittage
S: HAHAHA
V: thank you
S: and his response?
V: I believe he was quite shocked
S: by the way...well played
V: thank you very much
S: it was time to either address his so called fuckwittage or to get your stuff and end all contact
V: then I told him, Let me get this straight. You disappear. Then you make plans for Friday. THen you email me to ask me what I want to do on Friday (with no qualifiers) then you tell me you don't know if you even have time to hang out at all
COMPLETE FUCKWITTAGE!
Honestly, when I got his email response, I was seething
S: yeah I would be
he is such a tease
...
V: So he sent me an apology email, and I'm working on the response
...
S: he didn't respond to your comment explaining his fuckwittage?
V: "To b completely honest, I've been meaning to hang out with you for a while, if for no other reason than because I want to talk with you about a few things and I want us to be able to remain friends -- I'm hoping that I haven't completely screwed up the latter."
his words, by the way
S: so basically he only wants to hang out with you to say that he doesn't want to date you anymore and he wanted it to be something quick so he can get it over with and be on his way
V: well, yes
S: good way to initiate that friends thing
V: right
by ignoring me for three weeks
I'm trying to think of a plan of rebuttal
S: gotta say...I would have never guessed he could be such a jerk
do you really think he wants to be friends with you?
V: I actually do
...
he's ignored me, but on the rare occasion that I have talked to him, he's all friendly and stuff
S: yeah but that could be just because at heart he is a nice guy
V: right
underneath all the fuckwittage
****

The thing is, I knew he was dating someone else, and I didn't really care. He is a serial monogamist (this happened only about a year ago, and he has had two serious girlfriends in that time.), and I was, as I am known to do, about to leave the country for an extended period of time, so we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Why did he feel the need to avoid me? It only made things worse.

Question of the week

What is your biggest dating pet peeve?

Tunes for the Imaginary Boyfriend

Ah, the Imaginary Boyfriend. No one else causes more agony and heartbreak, and therefore, there is no shortage of songs about this elusive man. Clearly we are not the only ones who have fallen victim to his charms, as evidenced by the number of times we've been listening to the radio in the car, and suddenly yell, "Oh my God! I could have written this song!" So without further ado...

Almost Lover- A Fine Frenzy
F*cking Boyfriend- The Bird and the Bee
We Get On- Kate Nash
The False Contender- Camera Obscura
Inside and Out- Feist
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing- Jack Johnson
Hot N Cold- Katy Perry
I Want You to Want Me- Cheap Trick/Letters to Cleo
Words Cannot Describe- Mirah
I Thought you were my Boyfriend- The Magnetic Fields
Take me or Leave me- Magic Numbers
Undecided- Magic Number
Hold the line- Toto
Stay- Sugarland
Letter Read- Rachel Yamagata

WWBD about impending spinsterhood during the holiday season?

The holiday season is quickly approaching. This time of the year can be especially hard for us singletons. (Smug marrieds are in their prime and your family probably wants to know why you are still single.) You may be wondering “What would Bridget do if she was single and alone over the holidays?”

1. Do not allow smug marrieds to address you with an air of superiority. Mingle and flirt at holiday parties. If a smug married draws attention to your impending spinsterhood, point out the freedom this allows. Singletons are not encumbered by in-laws. We don’t have to worry about spending Christmas with “his” family when we’d rather be with ours!
2. There is strength in numbers. Meet with your single friends at a bar* and have a singleton peep rally of sorts. Hoorah for Singletons!
3. Get a bottle of wine (or two). Drink it.* Write the Christmas cards you have been putting off to all your friends. (For best results follow this suggested order…however, you may want to write to your Grandmother and Barack Obama at another time.) This is also a fun activity to do with a friend.
4. Allow yourself a night of self pity. It is OK on occasion!
5. Make a list of empowering, feminist New Years resolutions. Break every one.

*Please do not drink irresponsibly.

Impending Spinsterhood: Fighting fate

Nothing says spinster like crocheting with a cat in your lap. This is exactly how I found myself Friday evening, working on a new scarf with my feline child cozied up watching the yarn. Although this is a relaxing activity after a long week, it made me feel very alone...and old. My impending spinsterhood is sad enough, I did not need yet another reminder of this.

So I made a decision. I was going to meet someone. After a few phone calls, a shower, sexy underpants and a little makeup (all for confidence), my plan was in motion. I was able to get a couple of my non-lame (i.e. non-smug married) friends to go out to for a few drinks. After those few drinks, I was talking and flirting my way around the Foosball table and dart board. Such competitions are a great way to meet boys and I highly recommend them.

By the end of the night, I had met a guy. He was cute, my age, from out of town, and I can't remember his name. I don't think this will go anywhere, and I don't really care, it just felt good to be out with a purpose. Being surrounded by boys (even if I was accusing hippies of cheating) was also somehow a confidence booster. You'll never meet anyone sitting at home.

On the upside, one of my newer friends who went out with me is possibly a Friends with Benefits in the making. He even offered to be my wingman anytime, as he walked me home. That works for me.

Question of the Week

A new Monday tradition?

Here's a tough one. Who would you choose? And you can only choose ONE.


Edward Cullen from Twilight

OR

Jim Halpert from The Office


Wow, that's a tough one.

Tunes for the Heartbroken

In honor of Greenley's recent break-up, here's a Playlist for the Broken Up. Note that this is a break-up playlist, not the cheating bastard playlist (which would be a whole different list), and therefore goes through the stages of parting ways. Starts out gut-wrenchingly sad, moves on to revenge and anger, then acceptance and moving on. It is by no means a complete list, so please add to it.


Let it Die- Feist
Wake Up Alone- Amy Winehouse
I'm a Broken Heart- The Bird and the Bee
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart- Al Green
Don't speak- No Doubt
Love is a Battlefield- Pat Benatar
Not Big- Lily Allen
Mr. Brightside- The Killers
Little Miss Obsessive- Ashlee Simpson
I Can do Better- Avril Lavigne
Since You've Been Gone- Kelly Clarkson
You oughta know- Alanis Morisette
Hold the line (love isn't always on time)- Toto
Breathe In Breathe Out- Matt Kearney
Breakin' Up- Rilo Kiley

Next: Tunes for the Imaginary Boyfriend

Thanks, but no

Most of the time, I'm perfectly fine being single. No one to answer to, free to come and go as I please, yada yada yada.

Unfortunately, this week has not been one of those days.

Maybe it was passing on relationship advice to McNerdy. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm unknowingly attracting men, it's just that they are all so very wrong.

Way back in college, I had a brief stint at the radio station, calling baseball games (and a few ill-advised soccer games, a sport about which I know next to nothing). The head of the sports department was a serious sports radio guy. He knew his sports and he knew his radio. I barely knew him, and for a short time, but I thought he was a little weird. First of all, he was already going bald in college, and second, he talked in a radio announcer voice, even if he wasn't on the radio. It's as if he never signed off.

Last year, through that great social networking site facebook, he found me. He quickly became a devoted writer on my wall, loyal follower of my travel blog and travel photos, and made it entirely necessary for me to permanently disable facebook chat.

Last night, I mentioned via the facebook that I needed help sorting through over 2,000 photos to find the 100 best. He commented on my status 3 times within 15 minutes, and then- to my horror- sent me a list of 60- count 'em, 60- photos from my picture website that he liked the best. Within an hour. By name. The sad part is, I'm not even entirely sure which photos he's talking about and I'm the one that took them.

Question: Is it necessary to unfriend him, or should I just ignore?

The second one isn't creepy so much as cute. He's chubby, red-headed, and freckle-faced. His arm is in a neon green cast. He's also 11-years old, with a sixth-grade crush on his teacher, and I happen to be that teacher. Actually, I'm his tutor. I'm also the tutor to other students, but he's done as much as he can to claim me as his own personal tutor. He follows me everywhere. I mean, literally, if I take a step backward, I will step on him. I'm doing my best to be sure I give my attention to other students. Don't want to lead the little guy on.

Where, oh where is my Jim Halpert? My own personal McDreamy? Or even just a Mr. Right Now until one of them comes along?

The men of online dating

Lets face it once we enter the real world (aka the post college years) there are fewer opportunities to meet single men. While some women are advocates of meeting men at bars, I find that I’m somewhat turned off by drunk guys hitting on me. So a while back I decided to try online dating. I figured that at the very least it would be amusing and I’d have some good stories. In theory I think that online dating is an excellent idea but sadly in practice I found that a majority of the guys fit into one of three categories.

1. The Socially Awkward. Online dating is, of course, the best medium for the socially awkward man. These men are usually harmless but it may be difficult to hold a conversation with them. Phone calls and dates with these men are plagued with awkward pauses. Be prepared to carry the conversation and try not to look at your watch too much. The socially awkward is often synonymous with the “never been had” (coined by Grayer). On the up side, men in this category are not likely to use up many of your guapo points!
2. God’s Gift to Women. Men in this category are typically overly confident and immature. As God’s gift to women they feel that it is their duty to play the field and date as many women as possible. Often their profiles include shirtless pictures and sexually suggestive comments. (Some are more subtle than others. This category also includes the type of guy who would include a joke like “No, that’s not a banana in my pocket. I’m just that excited to see you.” in his profile.) Over inflated egos may result in unrealistically high expectations. Don’t be offended if one of these men rejects you. He is doing you a favor. Do not waste guapo points on God’s gift to women. I had a conversation with God and he said you can do better!
3. The Work Obsessed. Perhaps the most illusive and unpredictable men of online dating are the work obsessed. In my experience these men would appear to be most normal of the online dating pool. They are also the least responsive but when they do write their messages are witty and interesting (just enough to fuel your daydreams and keep you coming back for more). The work obsessed joins an online dating service because they don’t have time to meet anyone. Unfortunately, they have trouble adjusting their priorities to make time for a girlfriend. In the unlikely event that the work obsessed commits to a date, be prepared for heartache. Even if the date goes well there is a danger that the work obsessed will choose something else over you. These men are my weakness. The optimist in me still believes that for the right girl the work obsessed would alter his priorities somewhat.

I am taking a break from online dating (it is very time consuming), but I encourage you to try it for yourself. It is not nearly as taboo as it once was and it allows you to take a more proactive stance on dating. However, be prepared to sift through a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now if that is your objective.

Here's to You

No one wants to see a friend go through a breakup, even if they never cared for the guy who broke her heart in the first place. So here is my tribute to my best friend (and every girl in general), who may be having a hard time now, but who has so many good times ahead.

First and foremost, you are a catch. Your outgoing, funny, witty and absolutely beautiful inside and out. I can not think of one thing you couldn't do if you were so inclined (yes, this includes a graduate degree in biology). His supposed artistic brilliance does not skim the shining surface of your creativity, general knowledge and random facts. You play the guitar, you know wilderness CPR, you can lecture me on anything from grass-root politics to bluegrass music. Your infectious personality has shaped a lifetime of experiences for me. I am so proud to have you as my "hot friend." Any guy who can't see what you are, is an absolute idiot (to put it nicely).

I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are better off without him. You deserve the absolute best and he, my dear, is not it. You need someone bright, funny, athletic and outdoorsy, someone who has a big enough personality to match the strong personality you possess. Who will take part in the things you love, not just be proud of you for doing them. One that will embrace your carefree spirit and your crazy ideas, and never ask you to be anything but exactly who you are. Who will hold your hand, be romantic, tell you that you're beautiful, and cuddle afterwards. You deserve someone who deserves you and he was not that.

I know it hurts right now and I wish I could make that stop. I would cheerfully hit him with a 2x4 for you if that would help. But you'll tough it out, you always have. Please remember you have a family who loves you, friends who adore you, and a dog that worships you. I've heard that maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with. This maybe true, for I absolutely love you. I can not wait to continue growing up with you. To take family vacations to Disney world with husbands who will not only share our enthusiasm for corny overlycrowded chaos, but will be running to the next ride with a kid on his shoulders. They are out there. We just haven't met them yet. Until then, let's hit the road, see the world, kiss the locals, laugh until we cry, drink our weight and love every minute of it.

So let's raise our glasses, to the boys who come and go, and girls, who stay forever.

And the winner of the Nobel Peace Price in Imaginary Boyfriend relations goes to...

I deserve a medal or something.

Yesterday, I had the option to screw over my ex-imaginary boyfriend in a big way. I didn't. I helped him.

I got a message yesterday that every girl dreads receiving from an imaginary boyfriend. Mere weeks ago, it would have sent me running under the covers, only to emerge for hydration, ice cream, and the bathroom, eyes swollen shut from crying too much. It read, "I need girl advice."

Instead of going into sugar shock, I simply asked him how I could be of service. I mean, no one knows his mistakes in love and war more than me. He sent me a simple outline of his current problem, which is a bit of a pickle. Essentially, he meets girl #1, who he really likes, only girl #1 has a boyfriend, so she introduces him to her friend, girl #2, whom he also likes, but not quite as much as girl #1. Girl #2 admits her feelings for him just as he finds out girl #1 is now single. He said he would call me for discussion.

While I waited for his phone call, (something I'm well practiced in) I realized that I had the opportunity to screw him over. And who would blame me? I could tell him to go after both girls (jerk) or, better yet, forget about them, but I didn't. I realized that I have zero interest in him anymore romantically (wooooo hooooooo!), even if it stings initially to hear that he digs another girl like he dug me once upon a time.

It was a bizarre experience, having a lengthy phone conversation about his love life, but it really wasn't that painful. I was scathingly honest with him. He wouldn't have called me if he wasn't looking for honesty. And I did tell him that my initial reaction was to call both these girls and warn him, because he sucks at this. I told him if he would always wonder what could have been if he just told #1 how he felt, he couldn't just "settle" for #2, even if she's quite the catch. Unfortunately for him, these girls are good friends, which will most likely leave him out in the cold. We girls know we can't go out with a friend's crush.

And when it was over, I was still standing. I wasn't crying, or shaking, or breaking out in a cold sweat. I didn't feel sick to my stomach, or like curling up and dying. In fact, I was happy that he called on me. See, McNerdy doesn't like to talk about his personal life, (which is one reason I never knew what our status was) so I'm quite proud that I was the one he called upon to help out in this situation.

Besides, I'm sure I'm prettier than either of them.

So, are you seeing anyone?

Let's discuss the collective Singleton's single greatest nemesis. It is not the fuckwit boyfriend. Not the commitment phobic egotist. Not the heart wrenching Imaginary boyfriend, disgusting PDA or utterly pathetic Valentine's Day. It is perhaps, a very old friend, a close colleague, or a sister. It is the dreaded, annoyingly "happy", Smug Married.

For clarification, the Smug Married does not have to wear a ring. This just refers to a person who is in a long-term relationship, who believes everyone needs a relationship to be happy. I am friends with these people, however, I despise these people. If a couple of my friends ask me one more time, why I don't have a boyfriend, I will literally punch them in the mouth. If they feel the need to explain to me how they really need to see their long distance significant, because "people in relationships like to see each other," I may have to stab them with a pencil. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean I don't know what one is, idiot.
Their are two types of Smug Marrieds, the ones that feel sorry for you, and the ones that want to live vicariously through you. (I seem to have a knack for categorizing). But no matter the type, all smug marrieds are the same. They all find themselves in superior status, of having someone to share life with. (Until they receive the divorce papers)

1. The Pitiers- These Smug Marrieds, can not understand how you can survive day to day, utterly and pathetically alone. While catching up with your lives, the first and only thing they will ask you, is if you're seeing anyone. If not, they quickly lose interest, have a hard time making conversation, as if you have nothing in common. Fear of the unknown drives them away, as if singledom is a contagious disease. They may suggest ideas such as internet dating, a single's dance at the firehall, they're great-aunts ex-son-in-law who just got out of prison, anything to save you from this treacherous doom. They can probably only hear your biological clock ticking as you tell them of a new nephew, a big promotion...a sex change. But what else matters if you don't have a boyfriend?
   
2. Vicarious Vultures- This group is interesting. They claim they are ridiculously happy in their 7 year relationship (going nowhere), yet they fill they're fantasies by hearing about yours. (This is considerably more sad when you consider how, like me, you're seeing very little action these days). They ask you how your love life is, because they lack the excitement in their own. They want to hear every detail of a random hookup, a steamy makeout session, an innocent flirtation because they can not go through it themselves. They confide in you, that sometimes they wish they were single, and then they get engaged two weeks later. But living through you makes it ok, makes them feel like they were young and wild, even if they only ever watch TV with the "loves of their lives." Basically, they look to you to slut it up, for they are otherwise unable to.

Do not let these fools bring you down. No relationships are required to be happy, to have fun, to lead a fulfilled life. I would much rather be alone, than to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. If only everyone was as brilliantly insightful as me...

"Lo siento Señorita, no amor para ti"

A couple weeks ago, I tested out a love spell to see if anything would happen. It's been almost two weeks, and I can confidently report that this particular love spell is a bust. Nothing, nada, zilch.

But is it the love spells failure, or my lack of guapo points?

My guapo points theory is my explanation for my recent dry spell in the romance department. Earlier this year, while traveling, I had a bit of a fling with a chico muy guapo in South America. He was everything I never go for, the complete opposite of my type. (Guapo is Spanish for hottie.) The ladies even gave him the nickname "Guapo." He taught me how to dance the salsa (earning him the nickname "McSalsa") and even made it necessary to coin the phrase "lip molestation." Obviously, it was short-lived, but we had a week, which is more than some people get in a lifetime. (Dramatic/Sarcastic sigh)

The year got off to a red-hot start, but ever since? Zero, nada, zilch. Which made me start to wonder. Normally, I go for cute, nerdy guys. Not dungeons and dragons nerds, Weezer nerds. Last year, I exclusively dated guybrarians (and not on purpose). I've sworn them off for the time being. But like dating the captain of the football team, what if Guapo/McSalsa was a bit out of my league and I used up all my hypothetical guapo points?

Let's say I get 25 guapo points in a year. Men are assigned a point value, based not on their character, but on their WOW factor: Half a point being Dungeons and Dragons types who still live in their mom's basement, and 25 being the guy that give women whiplash when they walk by. Therefore, Jim Halpert is probably "only" a 10, because, while he is obviously painfully adorable, most of his perfection lies in his sweetness and sense of humor. Brad Pitt, meanwhile, is a 25 due to his outright hotness.

Guapo was around a 23. Seriously. Therefore, I only have two guapo points left in the year, and do I really want to stoop so low? Am I really that desperate? Ask again in a month, but I surely hope not.

"But what about those girls that seem to go from one guapo to another?" I'm glad you asked. Those girls, through a deal with The Devil, have been awarded hundreds of guapo points. As a result, they don't have many girlfriends, and therefore do not participate on this blog.

The Guapo Points Theory (GPT) may have been invented as a way to make me feel better about my lack of excitement, but I think it makes perfect sense.

Billion Year Old Broken Heart Club

Oh heartbreak... What a terrible and restless feeling. Like trying to reach the shallow end of a monster community pool, where you know the bottom will be within big toe reach any second now but the nervous desperate exhaustion scares the pee out of you and the only option is to keep paddling and glance towards the unfocused life guard. It's that feeling- that nervous desperate exhaustion- that characterizes me these days. I can't shake it. I want something completely unobtainable, something I know I should ignore and forget about. Terribly enough, I often view myself as unworthy and easily forgotten- but I know this is a fabrication of my depression during my positive moments.

So what do I do? Is this just a phase I need to work through, like unemployment or finals week? Will my desperation go away? Will I ever stop staring at my phone from 10-10:30 pm- looking at past text messages and willing a phone call?

I'm trying the overworking plan, two jobs and mega hours. It works during the day. I'm also trying the over-exercising under-eating plan, that at least makes me feel sexy which leads me to wonder if he would think I looked good. I've even tried break-up shopping. I'm drinking and partying more as well. Next I think I'll of moving into heavy drugs or adrenaline pumping behaviors. I'll wait on that though, they cost money and are quite dangerous.

When did this desperate reaction start? Could I now be a part of the billion year old broken heart club? If so, what did cave women and monkeys do when their man said he needed space and didn't want to be their caveman or monkeyman anymore? Are their any hieroglyphics that tell the secret to a broken heart? Could there be a natural remedy from the Native Americans we have yet to tap into? Maybe the vikings have some vicious tradition against such sad times.

What do we ladies do now? I hate gritting my teeth and dealing. Who wants patience in a time like this. I need immediate gratification with long term effects (positive effects please). What options do we have other than promiscuous rebound dating and ignoring the situation all together and playing imaginary girlfriend to an absent boy?

Feel free to comment and suggest. I need all the ugly and sarcastic help I can get.

Proud graduates of the Abstinence Academy for Slutty Girls

The following message does not reflect the views of WWBD? and is solely the opinion of the author.


I recently rediscovered a great video blog, The Midwest Teen Sex Show. As the name implies, it may be directed at teens, but you don't have to be a teen to enjoy it. It is downright hilarious (although I have to admit the last episode, #20, is the weirdest one I've seen yet, and definitely not my favorite, so be sure to check out the others) and I really admire them for getting information out there for teens. MTSS doesn't play the abstinence only education game- just ask Sarah Palin how well that works- they educate, and I applaud them for it. I mean, seriously. If you leave someone alone, and tell them that absolutely under no circumstances are they to push the button, what is the only thing they are going to want to do as soon as your back is turned? Push the button! If they're going to do it, they're going to do it, so you may as well give them some condoms. Which is exactly what MTSS does!

It's raining men

Mmmm..Boys

We here at WWBD? may bash them for extreme examples of fuckwittage, describing them as egotistical commitment phobes who break our hearts without even realizing they hold them in their hands. But do not let us fool you, for we absolutely love them (or do we love to hate them?). I admit I am the worst offender of this child's play, but as a group I just cannot get enough. I'm talking Love them, Love them. All of them. I'm as boy crazy as a prepubescent girl just noticing that minus the acne and braces, boys are pretty much amazing. And oddly enough, I just keep getting worse.

Perhaps this is due to the discoveries I make as I get older. With my gained knowledge and wisdom, their previously assumed prevertedness and immaturity can now be appreciated as witty innuendos and fun-loving antics. This, however, is not because they have gotten older or more mature, as one might assume. Just look at my recent infatuation with an 18 year old summer intern (a crush I did not act upon might I add).

For me, sense of humor is a huge turn on, and boys are downright hilarious. They will do anything for a good laugh and I absolutely love it. This includes getting 14 of their friends to dress in identical penguin costumes and barhop on Halloween, just because it's funny (Insert: mental image of 15 penguins waddling around a downtown area before hitting the dance floor). Or putting office supplies in a Jell-O mold (a la my one true love, Jim Halpert).

I am not a shallow person, but let's be honest, looks are a huge factor of my boy-craze. As I am still around a college campus, a haven for cute, albeit young boys, I am constantly surrounded by a surplus of hotness. This is where I decide if I like teaching a class or not by the number of cute students. Where being caught up in the men's summer cross country practice can be seen as nothing less than a gift from God. Nowhere else can attractive young men be found in such quantity and naiveness. Crushes on said students and athletes are frequent and always fun, giving me a reason to try to look nice on an early Monday morning.

Aside from the fuckwits, guys really are just good people. They have this innate protective quality, stemming either from birth or their mother's nagging, that leads them to be almost chivalrous. Even just male friends have a somewhat gallant attitude that I love. For clarification, I in no way am dependent on boys or in need of a protector. But having a boy around to walk with you in a dark alley, or help you up when you trip and fall, is not being dependent, it's just utterly convenient and smart. Without all the drama and bitchiness of a female friend, and the occasional snoggability, guys are my preferred sex for friendship (aside from my girl besties).

I may be completely boy-crazed, loving to look, talk, flirt and makeout with them, but in no way do I feel I need to date them. We may complain of being seemingly serious singletons, but don't forget, single stands for free to mingle. So while our friends get married, let's make the most of it, and go home with one of the groomsmen. While they start having babies, let's be thankful we still have the money/time/body to meet sex gods at the bar. Hopefully it won't last forever, but let's enjoy the flirtations before the inevitable jealous boyfriend is around stop it.

But I still think Cole Hamels is hot...

I just finished watching the World Series. In the top of the 7th, Tampa Bay outfielder Rocco Baldelli hit a home run, and the following words actually came out of my mouth: "He didn't even extend his hands, and he still managed to hit it out."

I know a LOT about sports, particularly baseball. Even the most minute details. I can explain the infield fly rule (and have, to almost every guy I've dated), I have an opinion on the designated hitter rule (get rid of it, all players should play the whole game), and I listen to Mike and Mike In The Morning every morning on ESPNradio.

Don't get me wrong, I am still very much a girl. I enjoy wearing high heels and dresses, applying mascara, and I get weepy over The Notebook. But I would much rather go to the game than spend an afternoon shoe shopping. In fact, I think a baseball game is a really, really good date. So how am I still single?

Are men turned off by ESPN-watching women? And if so, why? Are they intimidated? Do they feel it threatens their manhood? At risk of sounding arrogant, shouldn't I be every man's dream? I'm no Scarlett Johansson, but I don't need to put a bag over my head when I leave the house, either. What gives?

I understand that part of my problem is my taste in men. Jocks aren't really my type, but then again, I don't think I'm their type either. Does one cause the other? Am I not their type because I'm more likely to be playing next to them rather than be one of the cheerleaders?

I should probably be asking men these questions (hmmm, maybe I'll email Mike and Mike...), so do me a favor and ask around.

The pursuit of Available Straight Men without Mommy Issues

This post is kind of in response to Grayer’s post on Oct 23, 2008. I’m of course also an advocate for straight available guys but I find that I attract a completely different subset of guys than Grayer. While I have come in contact with my share of Men of Questionable Orientation (MQO) and the taken, these men do not often pursue me.

For the last couple of years I’ve found myself primarily attracting Indian men. (I admit that this may be partially due to circumstances since a good portion of my friends in grad school were Indian.) This was fine at first but then I discovered there are issues and complications associated with dating someone from another culture that make dating all the more difficult. For example, the Premature “I love you” guy lied to our mutual friends and said that we weren’t dating. He told them “What would his parents think?!?!” On the other hand, he told me that his parents were very open and accepting.* I don’t know about you but I don’t particularly appreciate being lied to or feeling like a guy’s dirty secret. Since my experience with the Premature “I love you” guy, I have sworn off dating Indian guys. I know it may sound harsh but I saw a pattern and decided that it was in my best interest to cut myself off while I was ahead. So far I have stood by this decision.

What do you think it is that draws these particular groups of men to particular women? Is it purely due to the settings we find ourselves in or is there more to it? Is there a nature vs. nurture component to dating? Should we be putting ourselves into different settings to attract men more to our liking?

*Note: One of the last times I saw the Premature “I love you” guy he told me his parents were pressuring him to get married and they were lining up some nice Indian girls for him to meet on his visit home. While I'm completely over him, it is weird to think that someone I dated may have an arranged marriage.

Ego Suave

I'd like to present a new category of heartbreakers; more concrete than our beloved imaginary fellows, more trendy than the always interesting McNerdy, and disgustingly more moody than any McDreamy gracing my presence. This subset of male takes romance seriously, but can't pay the bill at the end of the night. This moocher behavior is only right in his mind, for he is an unpublished writer... An Artist! Supporting himself with a dead end part-time job would only cause him to fester in the open sore of regular, uninspired society. This male makes up for his complete inadequacy in every day life by being a self-righteous egotist concerning his intelligence. He wants to be successful and capable but struggles to actually work for those characteristics.

Unfortunately, his attractive features, including eyes, smile, and romanesque physique complicate the situation. His romantic nature and absolute love for cuddling and holding hands don't help either. As a boyfriend, this inadequate self-righteous egotist is perfect. He intelligently thinks through most problems and deeply understands feminine nature. His support and encouragement are endless. Yet, they ended.

I'm sure the reader recognizes a ranting woman when they read one. After a sudden and unexpected let go by the above described, I'm entitled to rant (and cry and sob, be moody and unpredictable, underfeed and overly drink). The egotist has a habit of complete devotion for one year- then quickly exiting the premises. In this case it lasted a year and a few months, but I wasn't counting. His impossible nature only makes me sigh (sob) now in remorse.

So ladies, when ego suave catches your eye at a bar or party and romances the hell out of you with wit and good looks, smile and tell him your interest lies elsewhere. If you feel yourself getting pulled into paying for a drink, a meal, or his rent, laugh and say 'good luck with your art'! Sport your independence and strength like you are an american gladiator. Keep your money in your red white and blue onesy while you're at it. Then go flirt with the sexy and interesting friends he attracts!

Love Spell

Thanks to google, love spells are way too easy to find. I clicked on everythingunderthemoon.net at random for their free love and beauty spells. But before you try anything at home, please pay heed to this warning:

Remember though, using a love spell to force someone else to love you will not get you want you ultimately want, which is true love. It is best to do a spell that will bring you the person that is right for you, not one person in particular that you have a crush on. No matter how much you believe that the relationship

is meant to be, try to keep it in perspective and remember that if it were REALLY meant to be, you wouldn't have to force it to happen.


Really? Something meant to happen doesn't have to be forced? Huh. They also recommend that if you don't have a certain material the spell calls for, feel free to substitute a similar material, or just make up your own spells. Boy, I have high hopes for this website.

Since I'm a beginner, I decided to start with the Simple Love Spell.

Simple Love Spell

This spell is simple and requires no searching for exotic ingredients. It is performed to draw people to you (friends) and enhance your sexual attraction (if you desire more than friends) In many ways, this is a confidence and self esteem spell.

Confidence and self esteem spell? So I could achieve the same result if I shaved my legs and put on some sexy panties?

Do a thorough physical cleaning of your bathroom

, and cover any mirrors with material (white or pink towels or sheets are nice) Then draw a bath and to the water add a small handful (about 1/3 to 1/2 cup) sea salt or other available salt while saying:

"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

I like to take a bath every now and then, but I didn't really have the time. Luckily, the spell "recipe" also states that you can take a shower and hang a salty washcloth from it. So I did. I was also too lazy to hang white or pink towels over my mirrors. So I just avoided looking in the mirror, which I think is the same thing.

Then you're supposed to light candles and play music, following these instructions.

Turn off the lights and turn on your favorite music if possible, something that makes you feel reckless and sexy,

So "Let's Get it On," or Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" ?

or calm and at peace with yourself,

Enya?

depending on your taste, mood, and the desired end result you want....The feeling that the music evokes in you is important.

When you are finished repeat the original words, plus this ending line, so you'll say:
"Negativity is washed away, I am renewed as of today! Many heads will turn my way, the ones I chose will wish to stay."

"I am blessed, I am loving, I am loved and love myself! I am love!"



So there you have it, the first WWBD? love spell. I'll report back in a week with the results. In the meantime, I'll keep experimenting.

Now accepting applications for Single, Straight males. Minimal experience: 1 year

I've recently realized that all the men I have knowingly attracted, can easily be placed into three sad categories.

1. Men of Questionable Orientation (MQOs). I don't know what it is but if a guy is possibly/probably gay, I somehow become the object of his hearts desire. This has been a trend since high school, when seemingly flamboyant boys became publicly interested in me. For some of them, who later came out of the closet, I think its all for show. They pick the girl least likely to go for them and "pine away" for her for years. But I still don't understand it. Is it me? Do I remind them of the ones they truly want to be with. Am I masculine in some unknown way? One thing for certain, MQOs are not good for the self-esteem.
   
2. The Taken. A more recent revelation are the guys with girlfriends. Maybe its the whole "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome, but I appeal more to them than perfectly available boys. I don't play completely innocent on this one, I may have encouraged this a time or two, but I do not approve of cheaters. The good thing about this category, is that it can produce really great guys, although the very recent ex can be quite a problem. In fact, after breaking up with their respective girlfriends, my exboyfriend and ex-imaginary boyfriend started seeing me. The bad thing about this category is I fear that it has given me bad dating karma. And let's face it, in the world of dating, a girl needs all the good karma she can get.
3. The Never Been Had. By far the saddest and most predominate category, Never Been Hads are complete relationship virgins. These guys have never dated a girl, been intimate with a girl, or sometimes even talked to a girl in person. This also started in high school, when AIM conversations turned into flowers on my birthday and bad poetry in history class. Even now these guys are "dating" me without my knowledge, dishing to my closest friends that they like me, asking me out for coffee, but only over Facebook. Its all very middle school. I feel bad for these guys, but in no way do I ever want to date them. Never Been Hads may also give me bad karma as gently turning them down, or avoiding them altogether, is completely necessary.

My search continues for a man who is actually into girls, but only one at a time. One who has prior relationship experience, but is not hung up on these prior relationships. I swear asking for another category, one in which I am attracted to, is not too much to ask as I am not that picky. However, I fear this fabled hero is exactly that; completely fictional.

Almost Lover, or The Curse of the Imaginary Boyfriend

I just had a lengthy phone conversation with my ex-imaginary boyfriend. I say ex because we have long since established "just friends" boundaries with our relationship.

Ladies, listen up. Imaginary boyfriends are the worst kind. There is never going to be a happy ending with an imaginary boyfriend. If he wanted to be your real boyfriend, you would both know it. He may seem like The One, or Mr. Right, The Perfect Guy, or even The Bad Boy that you want to fix (Ha! Who are you kidding?) but underneath his devilishly handsome exterior are some serious issues. Imaginary boyfriends are great friends. That's how it all starts. But they are terrible boyfriends. They don't know how to be a boyfriend. Hence the imaginary. Run. Run fast.

Getting over an imaginary boyfriend is way worse than getting over a real one. I should know. I was in a real, factual, serious relationship for about a million years. Okay, it was more like 4+, but looking back, it feels like a million years. And when it was over (my idea, in case you were wondering), what did I do? Did I cry on the shoulders of my best friends, Ben & Jerry? Did I sit alone, in my darkened apartment in pajamas, eating nothing but raw cookie dough? Absolutely not. I moved on.

And who did I move on to? That's right, the Imaginary Boyfriend. I was in a pseudo-relationship with the Imaginary Boyfriend for more than a year. A year! That's more than 12 months of treading water, questioning, looking for "signals," and subjecting poor Scarlet to countless hours of inane analysis of his hot and cold behavior. A smarter girl- and I had always thought I was one- would have told him to forget it. He obviously doesn't know something good when he's staring it straight in the face- or making out with it, as the case may be. But I did tell him to forget it. More than once, actually, and each time, he came back and did something awesome, so I thought it was a turning point in the relationship.

Moving on from the Imaginary Boyfriend was a lot harder than you'd think. With a real relationship, you actually have something to mourn. With an Imaginary Boyfriend, you're mourning what could have been. You just keep thinking 'if only we had graduated to hand-holding and sleepovers, things would have been great.' And even after it's really, truly, over, you still think something will happen to knock some sense into him, like him getting hit with a baseball bat or something. Luckily, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, also works for imaginary relationships.

The problem with the Imaginary Boyfriend is that they're so hard to recognize. In the early stages of the relationship, things are just going so well, you don't know how they could possibly fail. Then things come to a screeching halt when the IB gets cold feet or isn't sure if he's really ready for a relationship. But at the same time, he really digs you, so he doesn't want to send you back into the dating pool just yet.

My problem today is that the ex-Imaginary Boyfriend and I are still very good friends. (Hence the lengthy phone conversation.) We started out as good friends, so I didn't see any reason why that should change, even if he did break my heart into a million pieces. The thing is, the ex-Real Boyfriend (hmmm, he needs a better nickname) could get married next weekend, and I would be genuinely happy for him. Seriously. But if I found out the ex-Imaginary boyfriend was so much as the current Imaginary Boyfriend to some other poor sap (and I suspect he is. I should really call her and warn her), well, he may as well have just punch me in the gut. I mean, I do want him to be happy. Eventually. It's just that I have to be happy first.

This Imaginary Boyfriend is heretofore known as McNerdy. Because I have a thing for nerds, and he is the perfect dose of nerdiness, but, despite fooling me for far too long, is definitely not my McDreamy. Just a McDreamy wannabe.

Three words you don’t want to hear before the first date…

I had been unofficially dating this guy for a week or two when IT happened.

Perhaps I should provide the background story. I was in grad school and had known this guy for a few months. We were friends but I could tell that it was turning into something more. Once after studying at the grad office we had gone out for dinner and he paid. (Previously we had mostly hung out together with friends.) He asked me to dinner on another occasion for what I would have called the first date but it didn’t work out. (I think he forgot or something equally irritating.)

So we both went to a grad party to celebrate the end of a semester. He had a little to drink and gathered the courage necessary to hold my hand. (Yeah I know this sounds very junior high…I’m getting there.) Anyway after a while we went back to my place. We watched TV and there was some awkward conversation before he started kissing me. It wasn’t bad...we were just innocently making out (although I could tell he wouldn’t have minded something less innocent).

Then he said it…those three little words that every girl wants to hear…but not before the first date…you guessed it, he said “I love you”!! Thoughts wildly raced through my mind as I searched for the most appropriate response. (Seriously how do you respond to such a bold declaration of love before you have even officially been on a date? The only time I had heard of this happening was in a chick flick…sadly chick flicks don’t translate well in the real world.)

Ultimately I took the non-decision route. I choose not to acknowledge his declaration of love and I continued to kiss him. After a while I told him that it was time for him to go…after which I, of course, proceeded to freak out! Sadly, the premature “I love you” marked the turning point in this “relationship”…the beginning of the end.

Hereafter, he will be referred to as the Premature “I love you” guy.

Hold the Eye of Newt

I had the experience of visiting Salem, Mass. this weekend, the town made infamous by hanging dozens of supposed witches in the late 17th century. To make ammends, this town truly embraces witches of all kinds. (How does witchcraft fit into this blog?, you ask. I'm getting there.)

While wandering around this tourist trap town, my sister and I decided to try out a magik shop that claimed to be the real deal. I didn't really take this seriously, obviously, but went in to look for a magic wand or something. (And seriously, there were plenty of shops that were providing real wands made just for you by real witches. Like Ollivander's in Diagon Alley or something.) However, when we walked in we quickly realized that to these people, this was no joke. A woman walked in behind us wearing purple and black robes, and the guy working in the store told her (very seriously) what a beautiful pendant she was wearing. A woman was asking for advice on which spell book was the best. I decided giggling and pointing at all the witchy paraphanalia may be a bad idea, as I could possibly be hexed. This people take their witchcraft very seriously.

For sale in the witchcraft shop was a selection of herbs for potions. Herbs for wealth, creativity, psychic powers, protection, and of course, love. My younger sister, never one to miss an opportunity to take a jab at my lack of a love life, kindly pointed out that I should really invest in some herbal love. Ha. Ha. Hilarious. Obviously, I would never be so desperate to stoop to silly fairy tale legends to get a boyfriend. Besides, I don't really know how to use it ("Do you put it in tea?," my sister asked) and the last thing I want is for a love potion to backfire on me, leaving me loveless for the rest of my spinster life. I mean, we all know what happened to Lavendar Brown when she tried to give Harry Potter love potion-laced candy, and it ended up in the hands of Ron Weasley.

But the herbal love did give me a brilliant idea. In honor of Halloween, I'm going to do a bit of research on love potions and love spells and the like, then experiment with this sorcery to find out if any of it actually works. Strictly for research purposes, of course.

Everything I need to know in life, I've learned from bumper stickers

You don't have to have a life coach to learn about love and war, just read the bumper stickers.

• I don't make mistakes, I date them
• Sex is a lot like pizza. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good
• Disney movies have given me unrealistic expectations of men
• They keep saying the right person will come along...I think a truck hit mine!
• Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, the devil says, "Oh crap, she's up!"
• Well behaved women rarely make history
• Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about
• Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just the people you have fun with
• Sorry baby, Pimps don't fall in love
• I spent Saturday night with my boyfriends: Ben & Jerry
• Don't chase them, replace them
  

Introducing The Heavy Breather

A slight flashback to get us started...

I was on the rebound, and dating a guy that was more into me than I was into him. He was nice, definitely my type, but sadly, not as much my type as the commitment-phobe/fuckwit that had just crushed me, so I really wasn't that into him. We had gone out on a date, but still hadn't had any real mouth-to-mouth action when he invited me over for dinner. He actually cooked me dinner. Chicken, salad, wine, the works. So obviously we had to hit the couch for a post you've-just-cooked-dinner-for-me make-out session. And it was good. Except for one not-so-little thing.

His heavy breathing.

This may sound like an innocent make-out faux pas, but I assure you, it was not. It was a fairly innocent make-out session; there wasn't even groping involved for crying out loud, and here he was, panting like a porn star. I mean, the guy turned out to be an above average kisser, but I couldn't enjoy it because I was so completely freaked out. I just kept thinking un-sexy thoughts like "is there something going on for him that's not happening for me?" and "maybe he should hit the gym for a little extra cardio?" and "seriously, it's not like it's his first time, is it?" (it wasn't, he's a serial monogomist of the worst kind. More about that and his corresponding fuckwittage later.).

Because of the screaming awkwardness of the situation, I ended the lip-lock much sooner than I would have liked. I just couldn't enjoy it. But I believe in second chances, so later that evening, I gave him a second chance. And it happened AGAIN!

So I did what any sensible girl would do. I avoided any and all potential make-out sessions for two weeks. Harder than you think. This story has a happy ending, though. He must have taken up running in those two weeks, because after that, the unnecessary heavy breathing was replaced by the appropriate kind.

However, he will hereby be referred to as The Heavy Breather.

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.

Mission Statement

We are singletons just like you! Like Bridget Jones, we are constantly analyzing our dating lives or lack there of. We started this blog in hopes that other singletons could relate to our stories and learn from our experiences. We welcome feedback. We will also provide reading suggestions, a singleton dictionary, and dating fashion dos and don'ts.

Please pass this along to your girlfriends and together we will put an end to fuckwittage!

-Scarlet and Violet