Happy Birthday, Grayer

Today is Grayer's birthday. (So everyone should wish her a Happy Birthday.) Another year older, and STILL single. Inching closer and closer to spinsterhood. (tick, tock...) And hey, you've already got the cat! I say this dripping with sarcasm of course, only because I know that there are smug marrieds out there making ridiculous statements like that. (That and Grayer is the youngest member of the WWBD? team. If she has already reached spinsterhood, I may as well just hang up my ovaries and call it a day.)

And if you were Bridget, you would not only be thinking about how everyone else has crossed over to The Dark Side (i.e. become a smug married), but also be stressing about how to celebrate. Dinner party? Out to a restaurant?

Oh God. What to do? Wish had not been born but immaculately burst into being in similar, though not identical, manner to Jesus then would not have had to have birthday. Sympathize with Jesus in sense of embarrassment he must, and perhaps should, feel over two-millennia-old social imposition of own birthday on large areas of globe.

So don't feel guilty about the fact that other people are calling, sending you cards, or even gifts (I hope you like mine), but instead enjoy it. And when the parentals and unpleasant aunts sing to you over the phone, just roll your eyes and tune them out until the awkwardness goes away. Unless, of course, they sing to you in person, then grit your teeth and smile. It only lasts 30 seconds. Not only will I not sing to you, but I will eat a piece of cake, or some ice cream, or maybe even both, just for you.

WWBD: Birthday Edition!!

My cousin (a fellow singleton) turned 30 a couple of months ago. She told me later that she cried after opening her first birthday card. Getting older seems to be more depressing for us singletons than smug marrieds. However we all get older (except for my Grandma who is 39) so we have to accept this and stay strong. You may ask "What would Bridget do on her birthday?" Well here is a step by step guide.

1. Wait "patiently" for a gift/card from her imaginary boyfriend.
2. Check to see if card got misplaced (perhaps under a doormat).
3. Talk to neighbors to see if they mistakenly got her mail.
4. Call an emergency meeting with her singleton friends at a bar to discuss her fuckwit "boyfriend" forgetting her birthday.
5. Get drunk.
6. Declare that she is a woman of substance, complete without boyfriend.
7. Hoorah for Singletons!!
8. Sing "All by myself" on the floor of bathroom while worrying about her spinsterhood rapidly approaching.

Hopefully your birthday ends better than Bridget's this year!! Please follow steps 6 and 7 (and also step 4 if necessary)...your therapist would likely not approve of the other steps.

WWBD about impending spinsterhood during the holiday season?

The holiday season is quickly approaching. This time of the year can be especially hard for us singletons. (Smug marrieds are in their prime and your family probably wants to know why you are still single.) You may be wondering “What would Bridget do if she was single and alone over the holidays?”

1. Do not allow smug marrieds to address you with an air of superiority. Mingle and flirt at holiday parties. If a smug married draws attention to your impending spinsterhood, point out the freedom this allows. Singletons are not encumbered by in-laws. We don’t have to worry about spending Christmas with “his” family when we’d rather be with ours!
2. There is strength in numbers. Meet with your single friends at a bar* and have a singleton peep rally of sorts. Hoorah for Singletons!
3. Get a bottle of wine (or two). Drink it.* Write the Christmas cards you have been putting off to all your friends. (For best results follow this suggested order…however, you may want to write to your Grandmother and Barack Obama at another time.) This is also a fun activity to do with a friend.
4. Allow yourself a night of self pity. It is OK on occasion!
5. Make a list of empowering, feminist New Years resolutions. Break every one.

*Please do not drink irresponsibly.

Impending Spinsterhood: Fighting fate

Nothing says spinster like crocheting with a cat in your lap. This is exactly how I found myself Friday evening, working on a new scarf with my feline child cozied up watching the yarn. Although this is a relaxing activity after a long week, it made me feel very alone...and old. My impending spinsterhood is sad enough, I did not need yet another reminder of this.

So I made a decision. I was going to meet someone. After a few phone calls, a shower, sexy underpants and a little makeup (all for confidence), my plan was in motion. I was able to get a couple of my non-lame (i.e. non-smug married) friends to go out to for a few drinks. After those few drinks, I was talking and flirting my way around the Foosball table and dart board. Such competitions are a great way to meet boys and I highly recommend them.

By the end of the night, I had met a guy. He was cute, my age, from out of town, and I can't remember his name. I don't think this will go anywhere, and I don't really care, it just felt good to be out with a purpose. Being surrounded by boys (even if I was accusing hippies of cheating) was also somehow a confidence booster. You'll never meet anyone sitting at home.

On the upside, one of my newer friends who went out with me is possibly a Friends with Benefits in the making. He even offered to be my wingman anytime, as he walked me home. That works for me.