Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Scarlet's 2010 New Year's Resolutions

I will...
  • Be more confident.
  • Be more optimistic.
  • Quit my job and find something that makes me happy. (If new boss is inappropriate, I will follow those old commercials and tell said boss "This is sexual harassment and I don't have to take it!")
  • Take my dog on more walks as they are mutually beneficial. (Sub goal. Teach dog to pick up hot guys for me. Old men in pickup trucks blowing kisses at my dog do not count.)
  • Make an effort to be more healthy by getting more sleep and exercising regularly.
  • Develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to avoid obtaining an imaginary boyfriend.

I will not...

  • Regret quiting my job.
  • Date guys after I have determined that I'm not that into them, as my time is v. valuable.
  • Worry about becoming an old maid. Instead, I will enjoy the freedom of being a singleton!
  • Have an imaginary relationship but instead learn from my experience.
  • Allow my dating anxiety and fear of disappointment to prevent me from getting some action in 2010!

Happy 2010!!

I don't normally make resolutions. But there's no harm in trying. So, in 2010:

I will...

- Visit Violet. It's been over a year since we've seen each other, that's a year too many!

- Follow 'The Four Man Plan' (sub resolution- read 'The Four Man Plan'. It's on my nightstand). Here's to finding Mr. Right Now(s)!

- Embark on some form of exercise, form TBC.

- Get up 20 minutes earlier to improve on my current beauty routine of mascara and lipgloss.

- Cook (sub resolution- learn how to).

I will not...

- Read too much into the situation with Welsh Willy (or other). Instead will enjoy fun evenings for what they are, rather than hope something more will come of it.

- Keep telling myself that I'm rubbish at my job and quake inwardly whenever my boss asks me to do something.

- Leave my make-up on when I go to bed as results in IES (icky eye syndrome).

- Eat toast for dinner (more than twice a week).

- Drunk dial or drunk text. Anyone. Drunk dialing/texting reeks of desperation. Will be cool aloof ice queen instead.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Monday, December 28, 2009

2010: Bring it on!

Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99! Whoo!"
Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet.
Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! WHOO!
-Friends, "The One with All the Resolutions"

As it is the last week of 2009, it's time for us to make our New Year's Resolutions for 2010. We had a pretty good year resolution-wise in 2009, although some of us did better than others. Let's all go out on a limb and say, "No imaginary relationships in 2010! Whoo!"

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Prosthetist

I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season and thinking about your new year's resolutions! Violet and I have been spending some serious family bonding time this week at our parents. This bonding time includes a Next Top Model marathon (Girl, that was fierce!), playing cards, watching movies, readings of Nightlight (a Twilight parody) and an intense game of family ping-pong, which lasted 5 sets and me almost cracking my head off the table (Damn you, new slipper socks on tile flooring!). Oh, and Vi, if you don't work on your forehand for next year, I will be asking for a trade.

I take a pause in this blog writing session as my mother leans over my chair wanting to see what I'm up to. Quickly switching to my other tab, as I have come to expect this, she makes me scroll slowly through my FB Home wanting to see "what's new on Facebook" before requesting to see my page. Again.

Anyways, Violet and I went out last night. Yes, Violet actually went out in our hometown! Not sure if she actually enjoyed herself, but, she did meet the subject of this post, The Prosthetist. The Prosthetist is a guy I know through my friend Greenley (He's actually been in love with her for I don't know? 5 years?). He lives 2 and 1/2 hours from me, which is conveniently located directly on my way back to our hometown. In August, I actually tagged along with him on a trip home. After driving 10 hours alone together in a pick up truck with no A/C, we got to know each other better. And of course, we talked of Greenley. He's a super nice guy, cute, has a beard, comes from a good family and will make very good money in the near future (As a prosthetist, obviously). Last night, he came out to meet Greenley and I. We exchanged pleasantries and updates, and talked about me visiting him during my upcoming vacation time (i.e. unemployment). He agreed to give me snowboarding lessons and visit me if I moved to the city. Violet and The Prosthetist chatted frequently as neither of them knew many of the people we were with. Shortly after Vi took off, he did too, telling him to call me if I needed a ride home. He's a nice guy like that.

Then he ruined it. About 20 minutes after leaving he started texting me. And through that conversation he started coming on to me. Coming on strong. It wasn't subtle, he is obviously not a student of the art of flirtexting. Thinking that maybe this was a result of the few beers he had been drinking, I kind of went along with it, as I had been drinking beers too. It wasn't until this morning when I looked back at what he sent me and realized how forward and awkward it was. And then he texted me today. Apologizing for what he said last night, but that he still meant the context of it. And that when I stop by and see him on my way back up North, maybe I can stay and hang out a while? Oh goodness.

This is just another example of how boys ruin everything. What am I supposed to do now? I can't visit him/get snowboarding lessons without it being awkward. As now he is clearly into me. Has he realized that if he can't have Greenley, he could just go for her best friend, the next best thing? Ugh. Boys ruin everything.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Normality has been restored

After a strict talking to from various friends, and Grayer's comment, I have thankfully realised that my behaviour towards the whole WW situation was uncalled for. I blame the fact that it's Christmas and the fact that last Saturday I was stuck at a Christmas party full of smug-marrieds. This was bound to affect my sanity.

However, I am pleased to report that I am going to take Grayer's advice and just enjoy last week for what it was and no more.

Now I really should get back to work before I get fired for not actually doing any work!

Merry Christmas to my fellow bloggers across the pond!!

xo

Fen

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

2009 Year's Progress: Scarlet

Despite all the doom and gloom of my recent posts, looking back I think that I've grown a lot over this past year (and certainly got more action than I even dreamed to hope for). I made some wicked awesome new friends. I went on a lot of dates (some excellent with unexpected arrivals, some accidental and some not so fab). Kissed some toads (OK a toad...apologies to the Engineer). Went on several holidays. And had my heart broken. So here is a review of my New Year's Resolutions.

I will not…
  • Sulk about having nothing to do, but instead make more friends in my local area so that my social schedule is full. Excellent work! I embraced this New Years Resolution so much that at times I felt my social schedule was too full. If there were middle class socialite, I think I have earned the title. 1 trillion points (Hoorah!)
  • Let my singleton status prevent me from going on a proper holiday. I went on two vacations and a mini-break to visit Violet. I am also indulging some time off to enjoy the holidays next week. Who needs a guy to take take a proper holiday? 2 million points (v.g.)
  • Accept male fuckwittage silently, but instead address fuckwittage in a mature and composed manner. I guess I faltered a little with this one by keeping MM around. However, I did call him out when he was being a fuckwit. So I believe that I followed this one in the spirit that it was written. (Unfortunately addressing fuckwittage do not equate to fuckwittage eradication.) 10 points (poor)
  • Have unrealistic expectations about men. Oops. Maybe next year? Then again maybe my expectations were actually too low. (I will never again agree to go to a sporting event with a man around my birthday. IT IS A TRAP!!) It's a wash...0 points (poor)
  • Have a tantrum when my father indicates that I am to blame for my singleton status, but rather discuss the topic like a mature adult. Representing the rights of all singletons! My mom forbid my dad from talking to me about dating or grandchildren, thereby excusing me from this resolution. Although my dad did find other ways to tell me. one million points to my mom and 5 points to my dad for stealth

  • Settle on a man simply get my father to stop complaining about how he will never have grandchildren. More of a lifetime goal. As I'm still a singleton, I think we can safely say that I've succeeded on this one. (I'm confident that I would have gotten rid of the Engineer eventually. Seriously. How long can you really date a guy that doesn't clean up immediately after his giant dog pees in the house?) 999 points for the continued effort (Hoorah for singletons!)
I will…
  • Go on a second date. I clearly rocked this one! This resolution seems silly now, but in 2008 I assure you it seemed realistic. Special thanks to The Engineer for being the first to make this possible and ending my three year drought. a gizillion points to me and an honorable mention to The Engineer (v.v.g.)

  • Form a stable relationship with a male of the non-fuckwit variety. Ugh. The world wasn't built in a day. I had first imaginary relationship with MM. I fell hard. On the plus side, now I know what really excellent chemistry feels like. And while it was imaginary, it lasted longer than any of the other guys I have dated. 100,000 points for the relationship, -50,000 points for the imaginary component
  • Actively pursue new job opportunities in which I will not dread going to work everyday. Putting in my 2 weeks notice in January and going back to school!! Hoorah!! One billion points for me, negative points to the economy (v.v.g.)

  • Be happy for my non-singleton friends but not hesitate to object to smug married comments from friends and family. It is starting! Several of my friends got engaged this year. As my heart was breaking, I tried on my first bride's maids dress and observed happpy couples complete with PDA, while pretending that all was right with the world. I'm just going to give myself this one. 1,000 points (v. good effort.)

An excellent year's progress!

I don't believe in resolutions: Grayer

Hmmm..so I did not live up to the stellar resoluting power of Violet. In my defense, I never said I believed in them in the first place. I just made them because everyone else was.

I will...

Graduate. A great big HOORAH for this one. I am officially a Master of Science in Microbiology (Can I get a whoop whoop!). It did take me longer than expected but I got it done with several weeks left in the year of 2009. Let us dwell on this achievement. 1 thousand million points

Learn to play the guitar. Last January I could successfully tab out On Top of Old Smokey. That was my greatest accomplishment and I haven't touched it since. This is a shame as I had many plans to woo many a men with my mad skillz and sultry singing voice. Oh well. 10 points (because Smokey was at least recognizable).

Meet friends outside of work. Although I've made many friends this year, they all are somehow related to work. On the bright side, at least I made friends outside of my department, and this is a very important step, although they are all still dorky scientists. 50 points

I will not...

Have any sort of imaginary/pseudo/fictitious/mythical relationship. Ooops. I did really well with this until Conrad showed up. At least this time I knew what I was getting myself into, and...well..ok that makes it worse. Negative 2 hundred thousand million points


Total points: ....like I said, I don't believe in resolutions...

Room for improvement.

Oops...I'm doing it again!

I'm screwed.

Since my random yet highly enjoyable night out with WW last Thursday I've been thinking a lot about him. In fact I haven't thought about much else. Herein lies my problem...

I do this every time. Every time I meet a guy I obsess about what happened and more worryingly, what may happen. NB: I don't do this with random guys I meet in pubs, it's with guys I actually know and there haven't been that many! But it invariably leads to disappointment, embarrassment and with a little bit of regret thrown in for good measure. So after I broke up with Fergus I made a mid-year resolution- no longer was I going to do any chasing, I was going to be a cool, aloof ice queen- they could chase me. No more drunken texts = no more embarrassment. And so far I've been pretty good on this score with WW. I've only text him once asking him to bring me back a snowglobe from Australia (you don't ask, you don't get.) So now it's just the disappointment factor to contend with and I can feel it fast approaching because I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that I might like him, like really like him.

I totally did not see this coming. At all. I was expecting the evening to be a one drink, possibly awkward, affair. Nothing more. When I was skyping with Vi the night before I was due to meet him, I responded with an incredulous 'is he?' when Vi said she thought he was cute.

And then I met him at the station. The first thing I thought when I saw him was 'damn he's cute.' And it went downhill from there. Below is a list of why WW is the nicest guy I've met in a really, really long time.

* He paid for everything, even though I offered. Now I'm all for paying my way but no guy has ever payed for everything the first time we've met up. In fact, I have a cringe worthy recollection of having lunch with Fergus the first time. The lunch cost S/.8 each, that's roughly £2.30, which is roughly $3. He paid his half and then pushed the bill towards me. $3!! Why I didn't see the warning signs then I'll never know.
* He didn't laugh like most guys do when I said that I played soccer when I was a kid and that I wasn't bad at it. He also didn't laugh when I said I've been thinking of taking it up again. In fact, he encouraged me. So much so that he said he was going to call a couple of his friends who run ladies soccer clubs.
*He didn't laugh or mock when I talked about my job. He listened. I work for the UK's largest charity which works towards combating isolation and neglect against older people. Most people don't understand why I work for a charity. They find it even stranger when I get a bit passionate and start quoting statistics at them. He didn't.
* When we were ordering dinner (that he paid for) he ordered pheasant. I said that I had never eaten pheasant. He said that I could try some of his. When the dinner arrived he cut a decent chunk of it and put it on my plate. How many guys share their food?!
* He opened doors for me. I like guys that do that.
* The weather was really bad that night. He switched places with me so that he was watching close to the kerb- thus meaning he was way more likely than me to get splashed with slush and gunk. Then when the wind was getting really bad he insisted I walk behind him so as to protect me from the wind.
*He's a great kisser.

Now maybe these seem like trivial things. Maybe I'm just not used to guys being nice to me. Maybe I'm making mountains out of molehills. But I'm still pretty sure that I like him.

But as I stated before, I think this is all going to end in disappointment. Reasons being:

*He's older than me. 8 years older. This doesn't bother me, I like older men and for all I know it might not bother him. But I'm 23 and he's 31, he might have an issue with it.
* I've no idea of his current 'love life status'. Has he just got out of a serious relationship? Is he casually seeing anyone? Without this information it makes the situation even harder to judge.
* I saw him last week. And he's away for 2 1/2 weeks over New Years. That's along time until the possibility of seeing him again, which means it's a long time for him to forget about me.
*I haven't heard from him since I text him asking him to get me a snowglobe. No contact from a guy who you kissed is never a good sign!

So I'm not feeling too confident, and a big helping of disappointment is not what you want for Christmas!

However, I'm trying to look on the positive side of things. At least I finally have a guy to blog about who isn't my ex. And I may get a snowglobe out of all of this (that sounds a bit dodgy, it's not.) Happy Holidays!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Year in Resolutions: Violet

It has been nearly a year since we made our New Year's Resolutions, so before we make our resolutions for 2010, it seems fitting that we critique our 2009 performance.


I will...

-get a job. A real one, with health insurance. (Preferably in the first two months of the year.) While I am still woefully underemployed (damn you, recession!), I do have a job. That almost pays for health insurance. Massive improvement from this time last year though, so that counts for something. 15 points.

-buy new underwear, as has been so long since anyone saw my underwear, it is probably all out of style. Definitely bought plenty of new underwear. And more than one person saw them. 80 points.

-find a way to tame the frizzies in my hair. Thanks to Sunsilk "captivating curls" conditioner and leave-in creme, I did pretty well with this one. Get Hairapy! 25 points.

-say yes to all date offers, no matter what my initial opinion of the offerer. Based on the array of men I went out with this year, I have to say I did pretty well with this one. 67 points.

I will not..

-have any imaginary boyfriend, but instead form a functional, two-sided relationship with a real member of the opposite sex (therefore having a purpose for the new knickers). While I couldn't quite get over the three-month hump (seriously, my relationships with both The Highlander and the Dark Horse were each dead after three months nearly to the day. What's up with that?), I did have somewhat functional and two-sided relationships, and I definitely had reasons for the new knickers, and that alone is worth at least 1,000 points. But better yet, I didn't just say no! to imaginary boyfriends, I said HELL NO! A bazillion points.

-Spend hours analyzing the body language and the "hidden meaning" in the words spoken by eligible bachelors with Scarlet, but instead find various other topics to spend hours talking about, like, um... politics? Um, well.... we did talk a lot about our employment woes, so I guess that's a bit of an improvement? 2 points.

-not get angry with mum when she asks me stupid questions like, "Have you changed your sheets lately?" as if I am an 8-year old incapable of taking care of myself, but instead use it as an opportunity to find my inner zen-like qualities

Done. Of course, moving 5 states away helps. 10 points.

-judge eligible bachelors by the number of tattoos or holes in their bodies, academic credentials, political beliefs, or their baseball team of choice, but rather be open and simply grit my teeth while they list all the reasons why Derek Jeter is a "true Yankee." And this is where I rocked the socks off my New Year's Resolutions. I dated and made out with men who have tattoos (hello John Boy and Dark Horse), attempted to date someone without a Bachelor's Degree (although he proved to be too stupid to work out, but hey, at least I tried, Highlander!), and even looked the other way when I found out they voted for George W., and some more than once. And the topper: I dated a divorced, single dad. Challenging, yes, but definitely worth it. 8,372 points.

Total points: Infinite. v.g.

Excellent progress.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Lessons Learned

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. ~Winston Churchill

WWBD? has now existed for over 1 year and over 200 posts! Hoorah! It's lasted through first dates, first kisses, and first..well..other things. (Oddly enough we haven't seen any actual boyfriends. Weird.) The only thing that makes it all worth it is what we've learned through these, shall we say, experiences (though sometimes "disasters" come to mind). So here is what we've learned, about men, about life, and about ourselves.


  1. Men are stupid. Please refer to any blog entry at WWBD? and you will find all the evidence you need. Oddly enough, we still love them/can't get enough of them/want to make babies with them.

  2. Dating is fucking hard. No one said it'd be easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. Online dating, flirtexting, defining a relationship, break-ups, miscommunications, disappointments, sexpectations are only a few of the stresses we face. If there is one thing we've learned, it's that this whole dating thing is not for the faint of heart. Hang in there ladies, it's bound to get easier someday.

  3. Violet got back her Mojo. A combination of online dating and moving out of the parent's house really goes a long way. Oh yes, and new knickers.

  4. Imaginary Boyfriends are still bad ideas. Scarlet saw it with Meetup Matt, I saw it again with Conrad, an Imag BF is the devil. Even when you know what you're doing, this is always a bad idea! (Though I'm pretty sure 3 times will be the charm for me).

  5. Action. Action. Oh how we love thee, Action. MMmmm. Not only is it fun, it's a stress reliever too. All single ladies deserve some action.

  6. Relationships are undefinable. We will never be "grown-up" enough to bring up the most uncomfortable convo of all time.

  7. The Disappearance happens. Any man. Any time. We should really no longer be all that shocked about it.

  8. Violet has a nerd limit. His name is The Highlander. A grown-up who plays with walkie-talkies, need I say more.

  9. Valentine's day is not a holiday. Thanks to this blog, a firm 0.5% of the population is now celebrating Single's Awareness day.

  10. Friends don't let friends dial drunk. Wine and mobiles just don't mix. Fenella told us so. The end.

  11. My aunt thinks I'm gay. Not only am I ok with it, I actually encourage it. At least it explains why she hasn't asked me about boys in 3 years and how she blatantly dislikes me. The fight for equality is on!

  12. The curse lives. DO NOT crochet (or knit) anything for a man. Ever. We only thought it was a tall tale, however, no good comes from yarn and a man.

  13. It is possible to be just friends. I didn't think it was true until the Mutual Friend, but it is possible. All you need is a mutual unattraction. However, we still flirt our asses off.

  14. Still smug. Still married. Still trying to ruin our lives. Smug marrieds are by the worst people ever created. I encourage each and every one of you to get back at them by being fun, flirty and fabulous.

  15. Sometimes, we're just not that into him. And that's fine, but then we just shouldn't date them in the first place. Think The Engineer, Hanging Out Guy or The Highlander.

  16. We are living the singleton dream. So what if men are stupid, dating is hard, and people think I'm a lesbian. We are living the dream! We go out when we want and with who we want. We make out, and we break out. We flirt unforgivingly, we get guys to buy us drinks, and we get ourself some action too. Sure we may want a guy of the non-fuckwitt variety, but until he shows up, we're having some fun. That my friends, is the definition of singleton! Enjoy!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Where do I unload this baggage?

It has been about a month since things with MM officially ended and well over a month since our last date. I'm doing a little better. I still miss MM but I've accepted that it is over. That doesn't mean I don't think about him and wish that I could talk to him.

I realized that MM was damaged goods when I met him and, until he gets over his past, he isn't going to be able to have a successful relationship with me or anyone else. He was right; he does need to be alone right now. I know that the whole "It's not you, it's me" excuse is usually just a line, but in MM's case it really was HIM. (For the record he didn't actually use that line.) I've gone over and over it in my head and even at the end he was still into me. Just not enough to be ready for a real relationship. (When he told me he didn't think we should see each other anymore because I wanted more than he could give me, he jokingly told me when we hung out he would just have to settle for undressing me with his eyes. Later when I was upset, he said that it was hard for him not to try to comfort me.) Like Violet said, sometimes the timing just isn't right. The realization that there was nothing I could have done differently was somewhat liberating. His rejection was not an insult to my awesomeness. It was just proof that, at least right now, he isn't worthy of me.

Last weekend I went out for dinner with the Accidental Date Guy. I'm fairly certain it was not a date this time; however, he did pay for my dinner. I have to admit that was kind of nice. I really enjoy the Accidental Date Guy's company. It really is unfortunate that he is leaving in a couple of weeks but at least this ensures that I won't accidentally date him again.

When the Accidental Date Guy called me and asked if I wanted to do dinner with some meetup people this week, I was happy to hear from him. The Accidental Date Guy and MM don't really know each other that well, so I was surprised to see MM there. This meeting wasn't nearly as awkward as the last. Actually, I was kind of happy to see him and catch up. I'm fairly certain that MM felt the same way and was relieved that I didn't give him the cold shoulder. I was a little worried that seeing him would result in a relapse, but after seeing him I felt more confident that I need to move on. I'm healing or at least I thought so.

Today I was looking at match.com again and a saw quite a few new guys with potential. I think the holiday season and new years resolutions tend to inspire people to be more proactive and/or get over their fear of online dating. It was enough for me to seriously consider joining again. I even edited my profile a little more in preparation. When I remembered that updating my profile automatically unhides it, I thought "well it wouldn't hurt to see if I get some interest before I pay for a membership." (You can see if someone winks at you or emails you. You just can't read the email or see who emailed you.) So I walked away from my computer feeling v. proud of myself.

When I returned I already had a wink and a message. Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, I felt utterly panicked. I immediately hid my profile before I elicited someone else's interest. I'm not sure I even understand why. Is it that I'm not ready to start dating or am I afraid to get hurt again? This is completely new to me. I've never had my heart broken before. Honestly, when things ended with other guys, I barely even cared. I can't even remember crying over the other guys. I'm realizing that even once I'm over MM, there are going to be some residual effects.

I guess this is the "baggage" I've heard so much about. (Gotta say, I could have done without it!) So here is my question for you, do I push past the fear and panic and brave the world of online dating once again (OK for the third time) or do I give myself more time to heal? Would it be a bad idea to try to date now when I'm not sure I'm going to be, as the DH put it, "emotionally available"?

Moving On. And on, and on...

On Wednesday, Fenella and I had our monthly skype date, a conversation that never fails to approach the two-hour mark. She expected to have to spend those entire two hours consoling me over the loss of the Dark Horse. She was surprised to find that I was and am pretty much over it.

This should not come as too shocking. With one glaring exception (I'm looking at you, McNerdy) I've gotten over people with alarming quickness. So much so that I wonder if something is indeed wrong with me. I'm a true ice queen. When my Ex and I broke up after four and a half years, I think I cried once. Once! And that wasn't so much to mourn him as it was the life that I expected that was no longer. I have just always known that I deserve nothing less than 100% adoration and devotion. If someone is not willing or simply can't give me that, then I am simply no longer interested in them. End of story.

There had been no communication between the Dark Horse and me since Saturday morning, and I knew he was waiting for me to break that ice, so I called him on Wednesday. I told him that I wasn't angry and that there were no hard feelings, and I thought I should probably tell him that. He was happy and relieved to hear that. I'll see him sometime next month, but there's no rush. Don't want to push it.

While I'm doing just fine, I've been worried about my friend, The Umpire. The Umpire is a good friend of mine who also got dumped this week. He has also confirmed my theory that with men, it's all about timing. I know for a fact that he's been actively seeking a relationship. He had been dating the girl for barely a month. After three weeks, he had told me he was practically off the market. They already had holiday plans together, which I believed included him spending Christmas with her family. Then out of nowhere, she told him it wasn't going to work out. He's been a wreck all week.

Apparently, men and women are not all that different. He told me it's taking all his willpower not to call her. He can't stop asking the question why? What happened? I told him it's Friday night. We're going out.

And how. It was an interesting night to say the least. First I learned that the men I play softball with think more highly of me than I thought. Apparently mad softball skills will get you more than an 'atta girl! and the pats on the ass after a good hit serve a double purpose. (I know The Umpire thinks this way, but I can never be certain how much he's joking or not.) I was pretty buzzed by 10. Before 11, I was hit up to be part of a threesome with a wasted couple at the bar. Around midnight, we ran into another softball friend of ours who had just ended a really bad blind date. He joined us and at one point told me I looked "delicious." I don't know what that means. We went to another bar. It was at least 70% men. Excellent news for me, bad news for them. Besides, having two dudes with me was seriously hindering my game, so we went elsewhere until Last Call. At three, we were at a greasy diner with all the other drunkards. At four, we put The Other Guy into a cab (he doesn't live too far away) and stumbled back to my place, where The Umpire crashed on my couch (he lives very far away).

For the second straight Saturday, I woke up with my head spinning and cotton mouth. (And I didn't pay for a single drink! w0000t!) Only this time, no one broke up with me and I didn't have a tequila-drenched apartment to clean. Success!

I've realized something this year. I like being a singleton. I'm happy with my current lifestyle. Sure, having someone to spoon with is nice, and I most definitely need some action every now and then, but it is downright fun to go out and flirt for drinks. I actually don't know if I'm ready to give that up just yet.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Reaping the Benefits

You all know of the drama that's gone on with Conrad. From friend, to friend with benefits, to imaginary boyfriend, to just friends. All the change could give any girl whiplash. Add extreme stress, and I experienced no less than the emotional turmoil of hurricane proportions. I know I've sworn off Conrad. And really I have. Except that I haven't. Do I think of him as more than a friend? No. Am I interested in him as a mere Imaginary Boyfriend? Hell No. Do I still have needs? Hell to the yeah.

Conrad and I haven't been friends with benefits in two months. Not to say that there hasn't been sexual tension. Fun sexual tension. The kind of sexual tension there was in the beginning. This afternoon we had lunch "meeting" with the rest of our labmembers, all while sitting across from each other holding silent conversations with our eyes. (While waiting for everyone else to show up, he had told me how pretty my eyes were before jokingly leaning in for a kiss, puckered and all). He was in a ridiculously good mood for finishing up with his hellish graduate class and I have been equally happy for finishing my thesis. So when I went to his house to kill time before my dinner date with 8-year-Lisa (who's moving out tomorrow, how sad!) I wasn't entirely surprised when something happened. It was afterall, the first time we'd been alone together in weeks. It was just so...fun! (Action, action we love action!)

Did it mean anything? No. Are we more than just friends? No. Will it happen again? Maybe. But it doesn't matter. The point is I'm capable of being just friends with benefits. No wanting more. No caring if he hangs out with another girl. I still do not condone imaginary relationships, but I feel we are now in a healthy situation for harmless benefits. Afterall, I'm no longer stressed out and crazy (I've officially graduated and cleaned out my desk!). And when he jokingly asked me, "Does this mean you're going to get clingy?" I literally slapped him across the stomach, chatted with him while I put on the rest of my clothes, and bid him adieu. At 8 pm on a Friday night. Now that is friends with benefits.

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful...

It would appear that I am finally getting my act together re: having a social life. Vi and I noticed that the 'normal, funny guy' (Vi's words) we met when we were in Buenos Aires is now living in London and Vi suggested that I contact him to meet up for a drink, which I did, and we agreed to meet up yesterday. Now in my experience when you meet up with people who you met travelling or in other 'extreme' situations it can go one of two ways. The first: it's really awkward and you realise very quickly that you don't really have much in common and you wonder how quickly you can bring the evening to a close without appearing rude. The second: it's great! There's no awkwardness and you're really pleased that you made the effort to get back in touch.

Well within two minutes of meeting up with Welsh Willy (thanks Vi for helping think of a GREAT nickname!) I realised that it was going to be the second way.

At this point, Vi suggests that I simply copy and paste some of the email I wrote to her last night having got back at gone midnight and quite a bit worse for wear. So for entertainment value then I will, with a few interjections of the sober variety.

So...the evening began in Putney (Sober interjection: little suburb very close to central London.) I met Welsh Willy at the train station. It was very friendly and straight away I realised it was going to be the non-awkward kind of meeting up with people you travelled with. We went to a pub. We had a drink. We chatted. We then decided to go to another pub. We had a drink. We chatted. When we left the second pub to get something to eat the weather was horrible. Freezing snow stuff falling sideways with such a force it was ridiculous. (SI: the weather here in the UK has been very, very cold and snowy. WW and I decided that we were going to only go to pubs which had fires going in the fireplace). We went to another pub. Had food and wine. Still chatted. We went to a fourth pub, had a drink. He checked the times of the trains on his phone for me to get home, we decided what train I was going to get. I missed that train (still in pub). We were having a random conversation about him becoming the mayor of Putney.

When we left the pub to get my train, because I really had to get this train, I linked my arm through his because a.) it was very windy and b.) I was a little tipsy (but still totally compus mentus). So we get the station and we have 5 mins to spare before my train. Then for some reason we're hugging while we're waiting for the train. Don't ask me why, it just happened. Then I said that I had to go for my train because it was due in 2 mins. So...I kiss him on the cheek, we say goodbye, then we start kissing. Once again, don't ask me why. It was a pretty intense kiss for a train station (but it was late so barely anyone there!) Then I keep saying that I really need to get my train, he keeps saying he knows, but we're still kissing, it was all very random.

So that was my email that Vi found very entertaining apparently! Now on the one hand, I like the total randomness of the evening, and he was a very good kisser which was just a bonus. But I'm worried about falling into the trap of obsessing about whether he's going to get in contact with me, what did it mean to him, etc. Which is bad, very bad. So I'm going to try very hard not to, because, I've decided that one of my new year's resolution is to try out The Four Man Plan...so you never know, it could be one down and only three to go...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Good Vibrations

Porn store. Sex shop. Adult gift store. Novelty gift shop. Whatever you want to call them, I've been to two in the last two days, as well as trolled several of their websites.

Have I decided to replace the Dark Horse with a battery-operated version? Maybe. But that wasn't my initial reason for frequenting stores of the over-18 variety.

Grayer's and my mother is a breast cancer survivor, and Christmas is the 5-year anniversary of her last chemo treatment. (Can I get a w0000000t! ?) We thought it would be awfully sweet of us to bake her a cake. A booby cake. And where can you find a booby cake pan? Adult gift stores.

I started my quest in a part of the city notorious for strip clubs and novelty shops. In fact, my first stop was only a few doors down from the strip club where a B-list celebrity recently met and started an affair with a local stripper. That's what she said, anyway. I walked in, took a look at the entire wall of vibrators and dildos, and went to the counter to ask for some help. The clerk took me to where the booby cake pans usually are. That's right, they were SOLD OUT. "We do have plenty of booties or penis's," she told me helpfully. Somehow, I don't think my mom would appreciate that as much...

I figured since I was there, I may as well take a look around. I needed a gag gift for a white elephant gift exchange anyway. I'm willing to say that at least 70% of the store was made up of vibrators and dildos. (That is not including the back of the store, which appeared to be made up entirely of DVDs.) Apparently there is a lot of money in the pursuit of the female orgasm. A lot of those vibrators were rabbit shaped. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I've heard of the Rabbit Pearl, featured on an episode of Sex and the City, and said to be the Rolls Royce of vibrators. But the other rabbit vibrators just kind of looked like rodents. I can't really imagine wanting to put something rodent-shaped into my vag.

Other things learned:
1. Water-proof is a very important feature.
2. Vibrators run the price range from $10-$120. Kind of made me curious to know what a $120 vibrator can do for you.
3. They also come in all shapes and sizes, from finger vibrators, to vibrators so large I'm sure only the Samantha Jones's of the world can use them.

All in all, my first trip to the sex shop was really not so bad. I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder nervously, and the store was pretty much as non-sketch as it gets. Especially compared to the ones around it, which I declined to go into, since I was pretty sure I would be raped if I did. (They're the definition of seedy.)

This afternoon, I went to another location to find my booby cake pan. I found it immediately. The sales clerk told me to "come again." Maybe I will.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Under Pressure

Over the past few years I've been feeling some pressure from my dad to give him grandchildren. I find this kind of ridiculous. I'm still in my mid twenties afterall. It started out with my dad's friends having grandchildren. I would over hear their conversations where my dad would say that neither I, nor my brother, would be having kids anytime soon. Then he started throwing comments in about how he wanted grandchildren. My dad doesn't seem to understand how hard it is to find the right person. He was, and probably still is, convinced that my singleton status is a choice. If I really wanted to be in a relationship then I would be and the fact that I wasn't in some way meant that I was standing between him and the grandchildren that he desired. He even went so far as to purchase a baby quilt at a church auction for the phantom babies in his dreams.

This whole thing has caused some conflict between my dad and I. On some occasions, I admit that I've lost my cool. As I argued with my dad, the twitch in my eye became more pronounced. At one point I even became so exasperated that I yelled at him and left the dinner table crying.

After this incident, my mom told my dad he wasn't allowed to make any comments to me about dating or babies. Over this past year he has been very good about this. Even when he knew I was dating someone, for the most part he didn't ask questions or make comments. (I'm sure this is killing him.) However, now when I overhear him talking to friends instead he seeks pity by saying things like "I'm never going to have grandchildren" in a dejected tone.

A couple of weeks ago I left my dad alone with one of my guy friends. This may have been a mistake. Somehow my dad turned the conversation on my dating and his desire for grandchildren. (Mind you he was talking to my friend who has been trying unsuccessfully to have children with his wife for several years.) Apparently, while talking to me about this is off limits, my friends are not. My guy friend told my dad that I was dating MM for a while and said that I had a couple of prospects now. This last part was of course a lie to placate my father. He also reminded my dad that some people can't have children.

The irony is that I always wanted to have children, but now I'm not so sure. Violet wrote a post last month on baby aches and I found that I couldn't relate at all. Maybe this is in part because I've been so stressed and unhappy with my job. Even thinking about adding children to the mix is terrifying. Maybe I'm just trying not to put the cart before the horse. (Lets face it, I need to find a guy first.) Or maybe the pressure to produce progeny is just too much for me.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Mars and Venus and Serendipity

I'm fine. Really. While I appreciate the concern, I'm not tempted to jump off a bridge or even lock myself up in my room. I haven't even lost my appetite.

That doesn't mean that I didn't lay in bed this morning entertaining fantasies of the Dark Horse telling me how much he misses me, and me telling him that he had his chance, now get lost. That doesn't mean that I didn't spent my afternoon in comfy pants, a fuzzy alpeca sweater with fringe (not only does Fenella know what I'm talking about, she owns one too!), glasses on, eating nutella with a spoon while watching Love Actually. (Because, Colin Firth, all I want for Christmas is YOU!) That doesn't mean that I wasn't so distracted that I went for a run, not realizing until after I started running that I had forgotten to put a sports bra on. It turned into a walk. And the shower I took after that walk, was the first I had taken since before Friday night's Christmas party. But remember, I'm feeling sorry for myself this weekend. Tomorrow I'm scheduled to get over it.

I have thought about what the Dark Horse said, though. That part where he went on and on about how amazing and wonderful I am, but how that's not quite enough, and the bad-timing bullshit. And I've realized something. For men and women, the search for The One is a completely different process. For women, it's all about the person. You may not even be looking for someone, but when you find that someone, you change your plans. It's not every day someone so right walks into your life, so when it happens, you have to go with it.

Men are completely different. With men, it doesn't matter how awesome or wonderful or beautiful or funny you are. With men, it's all about the timing. When men decide It's Time and that they are ready for a serious relationship, they have one practically immediately. But if they're not looking, don't even bother. Because no degree of awesomeness will persuade them to change their mind.

This is something that I can't quite grasp. I don't want to live my life with Regret. I don't want to turn someone down over timing, then think to myself months later, "Damn, he was perfect. I really fucked that up." I mean, is there ever a good time to turn your life upside down? Screw timing.

This makes me think two things:
1. "Bad timing" is polite-talk for "I'm just not that into you."
2. Men are stupid.
3. All of the above.

It also makes me wonder how people ever find anyone. To find that someone at just the right time is pure serendipity. I thought that my meeting the Dark Horse at random times in random places was itself serendipitous. And even though it won't work out, it still was a bit of serendipity. Because I don't have any regrets. I'm glad he happened. We never had anything but fun. (Except for those two times he delivered crushing disapointment. Both while I wasn't wearing pants. This is a pattern I really need to break.) Hey, if I'm going to be a singleton, I may as well have some fun while I'm at it.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

200th Post: The Curse Lives

"Oh, God! What a nightmare morning!"

These were the words I declared to my roommate in my gravelly, hungover morning voice as I threw open my door.

My head was spinning, my mouth tasted like cotton, our apartment was soaked in a beer and tequila smell, and I had just been dumped.

Like I said. A nightmare morning.

My roommate and I had just thrown a fantastic party the night before. The Dark Horse was there of course, so he got to meet several of my friends and some of my students as well. I had been excited at this prospect all week, mostly because I knew everyone would like him. He's extremely likable and friendly, so I don't have to worry about him at all. No checking in on him to make sure he's mingling or worrying about introducing him to people. He's capable of doing that on his own.

And while I knew he was having a great time and my friends liked him and vice versa, something was just... off. Something had been bugging me all week, even though I really didn't have a reason to think that. Maybe my premonitions are getting scary accurate, or maybe I was just being paranoid about The Curse since I had started and very nearly completed crocheting his hat, but for some reason, I knew something was up. Even after he showed up at the party with a Christmas present for me. (A book. Which he wrote an inscription in.)

By the time the party wound down, we were both pretty hammered. We retired to my room, but instead of commencing with our usual bedroom activities, he pretty much rolled over and passed out, mumbling something about not wanting to get me sick. I was pretty steamed. This was possibly the last time we were going to see each other until NEXT YEAR and he was just going to roll over and play dead? I barely slept. I was still a bit drunk, pissed off (yet I knew something was really wrong), and getting more and more resentful about his snoring.

In the morning, I told him I was angry about it. He apologized. But when I suggested we might want to try to get together sometime before Christmas so I could give him his present, he didn't seem too interested. He got dressed and brought me some water (thank God for that) and sat down on my bed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"So you know there's something on my mind," was his response.

He went on to tell me that it's been three months and that he thinks I'm wonderful and amazing and beautiful and cute and funny and sexy and smart and adorable and at least 10 other adjectives that describe me. No one says all that without a "but." He started with an "and." As in, "and physically I'm very attracted to you..........BUT emotionally I'm just not there."

I knew it was coming. I don't think I even blinked. He kept talking. He said something about being fine with keeping things the way they are but knowing I want more and liking me too much to do that and of all the women he's ever dated (and there have been a lot) I'm one of maybe two that he actually wants to stay friends with, because I'm just that awesome. And of course there was something about bad timing thrown in there. Because there is always, always something about bad timing. I wanted to scream. Is there ever a good time? Then I gave him his hat and blamed it on The Curse. He loved the hat. He gave me a big hug and told me at least 3 times that he meant everything that he said. I believe him.

After he left, I crawled back into bed for several hours. I was hoping to shut out the world. Ignore my tequila-soaked apartment. Ignore the fact that it's the holidays and I'm broke and still in need of a better paying job. Ignore the fact that I'm 27 years old and am finding myself alone at the holidays again. Ignore the fact that 27 was supposed to be my fucking year. All while Lily Allen's song "Fuck You" played on repeat in my head.

When I finally did crawl out of my cave to tell my roommate what had happened while she was sleeping, she dropped a beer bottle she was trying to clear away, splashing beer onto me. Apologizing profusely, I assured her that having beer spilled on me wasn't even a blip on my nightmare morning radar. "Violet," she said, "there are other Dark Horses out there, who are nicer and funnier, and one of them will absolutely adore you. So put some clothes on, we're going out for a greasy breakfast. And who knows? Maybe I'll give someone your number while we're there."

We didn't distribute any numbers, but the bacon and orange juice and waffle really did hit the spot. And she's right. There are other Dark Horses. Ones who don't come with baggage too big to fit in the overhead compartment. Ones who will truly appreciate me. As for the Dark Horse himself, I do hope that we can be friends one day. But that day is most definitely not today.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Joy of Pistachio Ice Cream

For years, I didn't understand the point of "pistachio ice cream." It never really did anything for me. I mean, why have pistachio ice cream when chocolate is available?

Then last weekend, with the Dark Horse, I discovered what I had been missing. Turns out, really good pistachio ice cream can in fact be really good. Turns out that there is a difference between store brand pistachio ice cream and Haagen Daas pistachio ice cream.

I couldn't quite finish my ice cream, but I tried to buy the Dark Horse some ice cream for himself. He stopped me and told me I couldn't buy him any until I had finished all of mine. I was pretty stunned. I've never in my life met a man who insisted a girl finish her ice cream before he had any. Is this a new breed? Or have I stumbled onto one in a million? And does this put pressure on me to finish my ice cream?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

And so it goes...

It's weird I have not truly cried over MM since September, before he left for his business trip, when I realized the odds were not in my favor. Over the last few weeks I've shed a few tears here and there, but not a sobbing, ugly, blotchy face, sniffling kind of cry. Is that normal? Sometimes I think that maybe I'd feel better if I could just let it out.

I haven't contacted MM in anyway since my last blog entry. At first it was really difficult to fight the urge, but it has gotten easier. The problem is that I don't miss him any less. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. Something will happen and I'll think that I want to share it with MM and then the reality sets in that I can't. MM and I talked practically everyday for 5 months. We shared mundane details about our days, cheered each other up on bad days, and supported each other. My phone barely rings anymore and when it does I know that it won't be MM. Now that I've begun to recover from the crushing disappointment, what I miss the most is our friendship.

Recently I hung out some friends and the Accidental Date Guy. He is back in town for about a month. I still think he is really cool, but nothing will come of this seeing as he won't be around for long. The Accidental Date Guy is fun and flirty. We have a lot of common interests and similar personalities. It did occur to me that he might provide a nice distraction from MM for the next month, but even when I was thinking this I wanted to talk to MM.

This weekend I saw MM at a party. I knew he was going to be there. Of course I made sure that I looked super hot. He in turn wore a shirt that I helped him pick out. (Probably not on purpose...he is a guy afterall.) When he arrived he walked over to me. We exchanged pleasantries and then other people joined us. After that we shared the same space but we didn't really have the opportunity to talk and catch up on each other's lives. As I drove home after the party, I felt a few tears rolling down my face. I realized at this point that I wasn't crying over our relationship; I was crying over our friendship. Even when we were in the same room, I was missing him.

So here I sit silently crying over the remains of my friendship with MM. Wishing I could talk to him about my day.

Son of a Stitch and Bitch

No matter how badly you might want a man this holiday season to accompany you to your holiday parties, you have to admit, there is definitely an advantage to being single this time of year: You don't have to buy a man a gift.

This is the current inner debate I'm having, and I need your help. I really didn't intend to get the Dark Horse anything for Christmas. First of all, my budget this year is about $20. That's not per person, that's my entire Christmas gift budget. Expect regifted presents and picture frames made out of popsicle sticks. Second, I didn't want to be the girl who puts a ton of thought into a gift only to get nothing in return, and end up feeling like Baby after saying "I carried the watermelon."

Now I'm thinking I should get DH something. This is based on a few things he's said this past weekend that make me think he may actually be getting me something. So after thinking about it for about 2.5 seconds, I came up with an idea to crochet him a hat.

Before you roll your eyes, let me explain.
1. He actually wears them. And looks damn cute in them.
2. He's going snowboarding after Christmas (which will extend through New Year's, leaving me without anyone to kiss at midnight AGAIN.) so it would be practical and useful.
3. My idea was confirmed this morning, when he tried to wear a hat I made out to brunch this morning. I reclaimed my hat and gave him another (complete with earflaps and llama motif, Fenella knows what I'm talking about) to take its place. For some reason, he didn't want that hat, he wanted mine, and we even had to ask out waitress if she thought he would look better in my hat or the one he was wearing. We even switched so she could make a fair assessment. I think we were her favorite costumers of the morning. Then he actually requested that I make him a hat. Actually, first he requested that I make him a tacky sweater, but I shot him down.
4. Considering my budgetary restraints, I don't think I have any other options. Aside from a picture frame made out of popsicle sticks, of course.

Here's my one hesitation: According to The Happy Hooker: Son of a Stitch and Bitch, there seems to be a curse of the hand crocheted/knitted item. You crochet/knit something for a guy, and not much later, you break up with him. So my question to you is, do I risk it?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Old Grayer

I had a talk with Conrad yesterday. Instead of blogging and facing my feelings, I chose to pick up a six pack on the way home. By the time my roommate got home, I was 3 beers deep, in a great mood and had an excellent quiche waiting for her.

The reason for me to not want to feel feelings? Conrad was hanging out with another girl last night. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. We are not, nor have we ever been, more than friends (Though we did got through an imaginary relationship period). We haven't even been friends with benefits in quite sometime. However, me being the crazy that I am, I overreacted (It's not so much stress right now. I blame this episode on PMS).

It seemed to me like Conrad had been acting shady. He usually tells me everything, even things that don't pertain to me or that I don't even want to know. But this past week, I've had to ask for information. This led me to think he's trying to avoid telling me something. He had just told me he had no plans for the weekend when I asked him if he wanted to get pizza. "I can't I have plans." What? You just said you didn't have any plans. After further questioning, he reluctantly told me he was doing something or other with a girl in his class. I had suspected something like this. Honestly it wasn't that he was doing it, it was that he seemed to be trying not to tell me about it.

So I told him that if he was hanging out with other girls, I wished that he would tell me. (Yeah, I can't believe I said that either). He didn't like that much at all. Obviously he doesn't have to tell me anything. I back tracked and tried to explain myself and we came to discussing our strange relationship.

"I think you're an amazing friend Grayer, you're the best friend I have here. But, I felt that the benefits part was going down a road I don't like for one, I don't know, I kept getting the vibe of something more. I just think the friends with benefits thing, with you, causes a volatile situation."

A volatile situation? Ok, why do guys always assume a girl wants something more. It's insulting. Yes, we went through a phase where we were basically dating. I can see how that could have freaked him out. Then I turned into a crazy stressed-the-F-out grad student trying to write a thesis. Again, I can see how that freaked him out. When things started changing I didn't handle it so well. I started acting like a girl. I swear, I used to be cool. I used to be laid-back. I used to let things happen as they may. I miss that Grayer. This Grayer is just annoying ('I KNOW! Bring the old Grayer back! NOW!' says Conrad).

Benefits aside, our friendship has changed. "Obviously it's changed. We crossed a line. We hit some bumps. But we're still great friends. We just have to go with the flow." I used to go with the flow. I felt better after talking to him. It didn't bother me that he was hanging out with another girl, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit home and think about him hanging out with another girl. I needed to do something fun, something the old Grayer would do. So, I called Hanging Out Guy. If there's one thing that HOG is good at, it's getting drunk. Since I was already halfway there, I had a good night with him and a couple of his friends. A really good night, which ended with me making out with one of HOG's friends....and HOG. Oops. At least I wasn't thinking about Conrad. Yay for old Grayer!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Plus No One

It's that time of year again. Time for holiday office parties.

This week alone, I've gotten three invitations for work-related parties, one of which is from my former job. All invitations came with an extra invitation for my significant other or spouse. Ugh.

Sadly, in my professional life, never have I ever been able to add "plus one" after my name to a holiday party. I had a boyfriend for my first office party, but he was 2,000 miles away, so I went with a co-worker. Luckily, I've never been the only one without a plus one, as librarians tend to be spinsters by nature. This year, however, will be different. I can pretty much guarantee I will be the only single one at my current office party. At my current job, I'm the only one who is not married and does not have children. This doesn't bother me as much as you think it would, mainly because I am also at least a decade younger than everyone else. And I'm the one feeling smug when they ask what I did over the weekend, and some have even told me that I "do such fun things" on my weekends. The holidays are a different story, which begs the question: Should I bother going to our Christmas party?

I know what you're thinking: what about the Dark Horse? Yes, I could ask him, but because of his schedule and the timing of these parties, I know he won't be able to go. Short of hiring a fake boyfriend, I'll be without a plus one yet again. Bah humbug.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Love is just a click away...

Internet dating. I've not tried it and I don't want to. Please don't be offended by this statement.

Let me start by explaining that Violet has informed me of the popularity of internet dating on your side of the pond, and it sounds great. I've loved hearing of Violet's experiences with the whole thing (even if she hasn't loved experiencing some of them) and it has intrigued me.

Here's the problem. I don't live on your side of the pond. I live on Bridget's side of the pond. We're always a few steps behind you with pretty much everything: we get movies two months after you do, they've only just finished showing series two of Brothers & Sisters and I think I can sum it up by saying that cupcakes are the 'new thing'. I despair sometimes. My point is, internet dating hasn't reached the same heights. There are commericals for it on TV, more people are doing it, but that stigma of 'you only do internet dating thing if you're old and desperate' hasn't quite faded yet. Once again, please don't be offended!

For a few months now I've been considering trying it, but I keep putting it off. The first thing was I'd wait until I passed my driving test. Afterall, who wants their dad dropping them off for a date? (I do realise that ideally the guy would pick me up, but just in case.) So I passed my test. Then I'd wait until I moved out. Afterall, who wants their mum peering out the net curtains watching as you say goodbye to your date (yes, we have net curtains.) So I've moved out. Now I'm waiting until I get a place of my own. But I know that once that happens I'll just put it off again and again and again...

The thing is, none of my friends (in the UK) are doing it. And I think this is the type of thing you need your friends to be doing as well so you can compare notes. Once again, I'm making excuses. I came close to starting a profile once but I just didn't know where to start with summing up my personality, hobbies, likes and dislikes in little boxes. I broke out into a cold sweat at the thought of agreeing to meet a guy and waiting in a bar somewhere pretending to text someone while fearing that I was going to be stood up. I had images of meeting a guy who claimed to be 6"2 but typed '6' instead of '5' claiming that his finger slipped. (NB there's nothing wrong with guys who are 5"2, but I'm 5"8.) Needless to say, I didn't get past the registration page.

And so, once again on WWBD?, I'm appealing for your advice and words of wisdom. I'm willing to try it, but maybe I should wait until the new year...

The Conrad Report

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, I had the opportunity to meet Conrad. I don't know why I thought this was post-worthy, except that with us being spread out over two continents, we never actually get to meet the men we talk about. (Although technically Scarlet has met the Dark Horse, she just didn't know he would be worth remembering.)

The verdict? I like him. Even if he did notice my misshapen thumbs and suggest my Thanksgiving morning stomach pyrotechnics were a result of pregnancy. (They weren't.) Aside from that, I find him cute and funny. Two necessary qualities for all boyfriends, real and imaginary. So Conrad, here's two bulbous thumbs up!

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

This song is the first on this great break up/rainy day album that Violet made me a few years ago with the recommendation that it be taken with a pint of ice cream. The album was probably in regular rotation in my car CD player for over a year. Last week I rediscovered why I love it so much. I've never really had my heart broken before and I have a new found respect for Violet's masterpiece.

Last week I finally talked to MM and officially ended whatever we were. I had asked him if he was avoiding me the previous week when he told me that he was busy playing video games. He said no and acted like it was no big deal, after talking practically everyday for 5 months, that he would go a week without talking to me. This really stung. Was this really so easy for him? I had been fighting the urge to text or call him all week. Meanwhile he was playing video games?

When it became apparent that MM was not going to address the elephant in the room and thought that we could just instantly go from dating to friends with no discussion, I decided that something needed to be said. I needed closure. All along MM had told me that above all else he valued my friendship and he didn't want us dating to ruin that. So when I talked to MM, I told him that if he really wanted to be friends with me, then he needed to stop being an ass and doing what was easiest for him. MM said that he was sorry and that he had avoided the situation because he didn't know what to say and he was scared. We talked about it some more and I got some of the answers that I needed. We agreed that we wouldn't talk or see each other for awhile. While it was upsetting to talk about it and relive the disappointment and rejection, it was what I really needed to begin the slow process of moving on.

At least that is what I thought. This weekend I went back on match.com and perused my options. I even updated my profile that I've had hidden for months. But I left it hidden. Even though I was trying to think of the prospect of dating other guys, I'm simply not ready to put myself out there again. I'm trying not to think about MM. This is easier said than done. During the day I stay busy, but at night I'm fighting a losing battle. MM is in my dreams. Sometimes I dream of him ending things and relive the crushing disappointment in my sleep. Other times I'm out with other guys and they just don't measure up to MM. They are boring or the chemistry just isn't there. Perhaps the most damaging, I dream that MM changed his mind and wants to try to make things work, only to awake disappointed, knowing that this isn't going to happen.

So my question for you, does this get any easier? When can I expect the dreams to end? When will I stop comparing other guys to MM only to find that they come up lacking? How long before there comes a day that I don't wake up in the morning with MM on my mind?

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Out and Proud

The holidays are a time for family dysfunction and boy do I have a story for you. It all starts with mine and Violet's aunt, who we affectionately refer to as YFA (Your Favorite Aunt, which she's been not-so-humbly signing all cards since we've been old enough to read). YFA is not a happy woman. She is everything we hope never to become. She's critical, lonely, and downright annoying.

Unfortunately, we have to spend Thanksgiving with her this year. Violet and I have been counting on being together to deal with her craziness, but the witch struck before Violet's plane had even landed. Upon YFA's arrival I introduced her to my roommate, 8-year-Lisa. We chatted politely and it took Lisa no time at to realize what an unhappy woman YFA really was. While Lisa was in the shower I showed her around our house, indicating my room, as well as the door to Lisa's room. At this point YFA was interested in my life, something she hasn't cared about for 5 years or so.
YFA: "So have you known Lisa since you started school here?."
Me: "Yeah, she started here a semester before me."
YFA: "Good for you."
(Good for me? I didn't know what this meant, but I ignored it.)
Me: "She lived across the street from me at my old apartment. We became really good friends and decided to move our relationship to the next level by becoming roommates."
YFA: "Are you out and proud?"
Though my "relationship to the next level" comment was just a joke, she was completely serious when she asked this. Suddenly her previous comment made sense. She was happy for me for "finally" meeting someone, and it occurred to me, MY AUNT THINKS I'M A LESBIAN. Don't get me wrong. I'm down with the gays, but my boy craze has been well documented for a number of years. And here's the thing, I DIDN'T EVEN DENY IT.
Me: "We're not together..."
YFA then went on to discuss gay rights while I frantically tried to figure out what just happened and why she would come to that conclusion. It wasn't just my relationship joke, apparently my aunt already was getting the gay-vibe.

I immediately knew I was on to something extraordinary and couldn't wait until Violet arrived and I could recount this epic tale. After laughing excessively and realizing that I didn't even deny it, she begged to keep this going. For weeks Violet and I have been trying to think of a prank to pull on YFA, but couldn't come up with a single one that wouldn't deeply offend her (Her Christmas presents are usually awful, but there's always a chance a giftcard would be thrown in). But low and behold, within the first 20 minutes of spending time with her, she has given us the ultimate Christmas present: she has volunteered to be punk'd.

Tonight, family game night will include comments about Ellen DeGeneres and my new rugby team.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

You can bring me flowers baby, when I'm dead and gone

I took my puppy for a long walk at the park over the weekend to try to clear my mind. To be more precise, we went on two walks. We didn't walk alone. Ray LaMontagne joined us. Yes, I have a new man. For some reason when I'm upset, I'm driven to listen to dark and depressing music. If you are looking for dark and depressing then Ray is your man. One of my favorites is "You can bring me flowers"...

My eyes are dry my hands are tied
There's nothing I can say
If you feel the need to go
I won't stand in your way
Sit and think drown and drink
Sing this sad sad song
You can bring me flowers baby
When I'm dead and gone

Somehow the walk made me feel better. It was nice to hear that someone was more depressed than me. It's funny how music talks to you. In "Gone Away from Me" Ray told me:

Yesterday is gone
Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away
Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to her memory
It only causes you pain

Yes Ray, we will call this a "Lesson Learned." The walk was cleansing and healing but somehow I can't be that at peace with things in everyday life. Today I entered the angry stage. No, I'm not angry at MM for breaking it off. I knew it would happen eventually. I'm angry at MM for the way he handled it. We were friends first. I thought that he would be honest and handle things like an adult rather than avoiding the situation and letting it stew. I told him when he got back that I'd rather he be honest with me than leave me in the dark. I said that leaving me wondering was the surest way to hurt me. I realized that is exactly what he had done. Upon this realization, I went from being upset to downright mad.

I started to think of all the things that MM did and all the things that he didn't do. I was even freshly angry that MM tricked me into going to a sporting event for my birthday. Yes, that's all I got for my birthday after dating MM for 3 or 4 months. And, I don't even like sports!! I told MM that this wasn't an acceptable birthday present and he said that he would get me something else but he never did. He left and I didn't even get a card. So MM...you can bring me flowers when I'm dead and gone.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dark Horse rides again

This weekend I had my first two meetings with the Dark Horse after I was sure it was all over. I wasn't entirely sure how things were going to go, and as a result, I was a bit skittish on Saturday, which he was observant enough to notice. I'm not entirely sure why. I essentially gave the man an ultimatum. He came through rather quickly, even though I told him exactly how I felt and what I wanted. That alone speaks volumes.

Eventually, I got over my skittishness and things returned to normal, only better. Better because we actually established that we are in fact dating and are not friends with benefits or in an imaginary relationship. (Of course, if it drags out long enough we could end up in an imaginary one, but I'll worry about that if we get there.) We also talked about squeezing in more time to see each other, including weekdays (but after bedtime), which made me quite happy.

He also said three things to me that made me like him even more:
1. On Saturday, he told me I looked pretty. This in of itself is not unusual, he tells me that all the time, but when he told me that on Saturday, I was dressed to play softball and wearing a baseball hat.
2. He said the massive surgical scar on my stomach was cute. Anyone who likes your flaws is a keeper.
3. Apparently I look sexy in a sports bra.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. I mean, I put thought into what clothes I put on (at least when other humans are around) and understand the value of mascara, but when a guy compliments you on things like this, it's pretty awesome.

Even so, while out with the girls on Saturday night (plans for our Misery Summit were set in motion before DH called on Thursday), I gave my number out to a young fellow who asked for it. Not because I really care if he calls or not, but because a little competition never hurt anyone. According to The 4-Man Plan (see Books to Help You Survive your Singletonhood, left), you should juggle at least 4 men until you make one your 3.75 man (because no man is perfect). And because as we learned last weekend, anything can happen. And does.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

It's not raining men, it's just raining

I was watching TV in my pyjamas this morning while the rain poured down outside, when for the first time this year I saw the classic 'holidays are coming' Coca-Cola commercial- you all know the one. So of course that got me thinking about the holidays and how it's still far too early for Christmas stuff, which then got me thinking about being single during the holidays. This turned out to be a dangerous trail of thought. On the one hand, I'm not too bothered about being single at the moment. It's only being four months since my ex and I broke up. I do get lonely sometimes but I've far too many other things going on at the moment, dating and getting to know someone would just be a bit too much bother at the moment. But on the other hand, the more I thought about it, the more I realised that my healthy break from dating and relationships is soon going to turn into a severe dry spell. You may think this is a bit of an over reaction but, trust me, the signs of a long dry spell are all there:

1. I haven't shaved my legs in quite awhile (in my defence, I'm quite fair-haired so my legs don't look gorilla like or anything!) My reasoning? It's winter. They're covered up and I'm the only one who sees them bare.
2. My make-up routine in the morning involves lip gloss and maybe a bit of eyeliner. I'm not saying women need make-up to look attractive, but let's be honest, it helps a bit and it does make me feel more attractive. If this makes me shallow then so be it, I blame advertising.
3. My television schedule is just perfect! FlashForward, The Apprentice USA, The X-Factor, etc. I don't want any man coming along and making me watch football (soccer) whilst he shouts at the screen.
4. I prefer staying in to watch my above TV schedule then actually making an effort to get all dressed up to go out- thus drastically cutting my chances of meeting eligible men.
5. I have reverted back to my strange sleeping patterns. I am, by far, one of the worst people to share a bed with. I hog the duvet- involves wrapping myself in it and there isn't room for anybody else. I also take up most of the bed, which is fine except when there's somebody else in it- I push them out. This caused some problems with my ex. So in the year that we were together I trained myself not to be so greedy. Now though, I can sleep diagonally and wrap the duvet around me to my heart's content- and I love it!
6. I have also reverted back to being a bit of a slob...I'm a bit lazy when it comes to tidying up, putting clothes away, etc. I used to make the effort. Now, who cares? Who else shares my room? Answer: nobody.
7. I haven't been 'chatted up' as the saying goes for....an extremely long time. I can't even think of the last time. (The guy that I was chatting to the night of the drunk dial really doesn't count, he was making sure I didn't drunkenly walk into the path of an oncoming car or something equally stupid.)
8. In order to get out of a dry spell, you have to make a bit of effort and start dating. I have never dated. I don't know how to date. An embarrassing confession yes, and one for another blog entry, but without dating the dry spell will remain, but I'm too scared to do the dating thing. 'Tis a vicious circle.
9. My ex-boyfriend being such a jerk has meant I now have so many dealbreakers that the chances of meeting any guy who gets through the vetting process is slim to none. Another vicious circle.
10. And just to round this list off on the number 10...trust me, I know this is going to be a long dry spell, I feel it in my bones.

So as you can see, from the above signs it's clear that a.) I'm far too set in my ways at the moment to start seeing guys again, let alone let one into my bed and allow them use of the television remote b.) I'm not putting the effort in to date because I don't know where to start and c.) the signs of interest from guys are non-existent.

So what do I do now? My answer would be John Cusack movies, pyjamas and ice-cream. I'm guessing all of you will have a different answer. Which is fine. I'm open to options, goodness knows I need them. But I'm not giving up my tv remote, not matter what you say.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken

It's over....

For some time now I've known (and you've known) that it was just a matter of time before things with MM would end. Before he left for his business trip, it was fun. Even though I wasn't always happy with where things were going, I always laughed and had a good time when I was with him. The relationship hadn't fully run it's course. I felt like I needed to see it through to the end. (I mean you don't stop reading a good book three fourths of the way though, right?) On top of that, with how awful my job has been, I needed MM. We had become codependent, much like Violet and I. When I was having a bad day at work, I could text or email him and he would be supportive and cheer me up.

Well, after talking consistently while he was gone, MM returned from his business trip last week. I knew from the tone of his emails over the last few weeks, things weren't going to be the same when he returned. We hung out and conversation was easy and pretty much the same as always. Despite this everything was all wrong. We couldn't return to the carefree summer months anymore than I could turn off my feelings. I had missed him so much over the month and a half that he was gone. I wanted to cuddle. I wanted a distraction from my issues at work. I wanted some action and I could tell I wasn't going to get it.

After this I started trying to wean myself off of him somewhat. I wasn't going to be a needy girl. I saw him one more time last Sunday. We went to the movies and dinner. The movie was awful. It seemed even more strained than the last time. I think I needed this to really start letting go and move on. He kissed me goodnight, but it wasn't a passionate kiss. More out of habit than anything else. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be disinterested.

I really thought that I'd accepted that the end was here but, after a gut wrenching bout of food poisoning, here I sit feeling sorry for myself because I have no plans this weekend and I haven't heard from MM since Sunday. I'm listening to "Lloyd, I'm ready to be heartbroken" by Camera Obscura and thinking "Is anyone ever REALLY ready to be heartbroken?" I really miss what MM and I had. I miss how easy it was to be with him. I miss our friendship. I scanned the online dating websites and didn't see anyone that I was even vaguely interested in. I'm honestly terrified that it will be years before I find someone that I'm into as much as I was into MM.

Of course itunes conveniently followed that song up with Carly Simons' version of "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning." You may remember it from Sleepless in Seattle.


When your lonely heart has learned its lesson
You'd be his if only he'd call
In the wee small hours of the morning
That's the time you miss him most of all
At least Carrie Underwood cut me a break with the next song "The More Boys I meet the more I love my dog." I couldn't agree more. So tomorrow I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, and take my dog for a long rejuvenating walk at the park. Maybe she will pick up a hot guy for me?

London Update

I moved to London two weeks ago. I haven't meet my Mark Darcy yet. (I'll give it another week). No Daniel Cleavers either (because they're good for a bit of fun). I'm too tired to go out and socialise after work, I much prefer going home and getting into my pyjamas. I spend hours on a variety of trains each day. I've read more free newspapers then I ever have before. The highlight of the journey is seeing who the cutest guy on the escalator is. The highlight of the entire thing so far has been eye-flirting with a cute guy on the train.
I NEED TO GET OUT MORE!! One of these days it would be nice to have a guy I can write about on the blog who isn't my ex. Here's hoping!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Expect the Unexpected

Ever since Sunday, when I walked out of the Dark Horse's house and told him not to call me until he had things figured out, I've been very, very proud of myself for doing the right thing. It would have been so easy to say, "Casual? Sure, casual's cool." But I have made that mistake before, and it only led to heartbreak and months of my being closed off and guarded. And if we can't learn from our mistakes, what's the good in making them?

I knew there was a possibility that I would hear from the Dark Horse again someday, but I figured it would be just that: someday. Imagine my surprise when I returned home from a run this afternoon, a mere four days after the Incident to find that the Dark Horse himself had called. When I realized that he had called, I stopped before listening to the voicemail to remind myself that he was probably just calling me about the books we had lent each other (because that is apparently a mistake I will make more than once). His voicemail didn't mention anything about the book. It went something along the lines of, "Hi Violet, I know you told me not to call you until I had figured things out. Well, I've figured things out and I want to talk to you about it, so give me a call back."

Still, I was skeptical. So much so that before I returned his call, I called Scarlet to tell her about the voicemail, and questioned whether or not I really wanted to talk to him. I mean, I wasn't expecting to hear from him for weeks, months even. My appetite was back, so did I really want to get bad news from him now, which would surely bring back the nervous stomach? In the end, I decided to get it over with, so I called.

First, he apologized. There was something about the apology that didn't give me much hope. I don't know why, I just thought to myself, yeah, this won't be good. He started telling me about his calls overseas to the ex this week, and still I thought, this isn't going to be good. Then I heard, "I need to let go and move on."

What? Huh? Did I just hear that correctly? You're going to move on? Like, to me? I still wasn't sure as to what that meant, so I asked. (Because asking questions is a good thing.) He said that what was holding him back before is no longer holding him back. He wasn't sure if this changed anything for me, though. I explained to him that I certainly don't want to be a runner-up to someone who's just geographically undesirable. I don't want someone to be with me just because I'm here, when they would rather be with someone else. He said he understood that, but that when he's with me, he's definitely not wishing he was with someone else.

I'm beginning to think I may not be as good at reading signs as maybe I thought, so I need a little bit of help here. I told him on Sunday that I couldn't "just be casual," and not to call me until he figured it out, figuring it was highly likely I wouldn't ever hear from him again. He obviously spent some serious time thinking things over. He knows that I'm into him, I made that quite clear. And yet, he called. Quickly. That's good, right?

We made plans to see each other later this weekend. I'm cautiously optimistic. Scarlet questioned whether or not this was indeed an imaginary boyfriend situation, and no, it is not. Here's why: It's been two months since I started seeing him, which sounds like awhile, but not in this case. We've only been seeing each other on weekends, and there were weekends where we didn't see each other. We actually counted the times we've seen each other, and they didn't add up to all that much. For that reason, things won't move quickly with him, and I'm prepared for that. On top of that, I met him in a bar. Twice. I don't need to go rushing into anything just yet either.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Always Look at the Bright Side of Life

It's been two days since my CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT, and I think I've done pretty well. I may half-expect him to call or show up at my door, but I know that only happens in movies. I've avoided calling or texting him, even though there's been more than one occasion where I would have last week to tell him something funny or amusing that had happened. Yes, I think I'm doing pretty well.

In order to continue doing well, I've made a list of all the reasons why this is a good thing. The list so far:
1. He is divorced with a child. Yes, I really, really liked him, but do I really want to be someone's second wife? Or stepmother? This reason alone is worth a lot of points, so I'm going to focus on it.
2. He snores. And I'm a light sleeper and insomniac. Not a good combination.
3. His bed is uncomfortable. There is seriously a ditch in the middle.
4. This crushing disappointment will get me into really great shape. I've gone on some of my best runs of the year, powered by emotional stress. On top of that, I haven't had much of an appetite at all. My nervous stomach, which I didn't know I had until I became an adult and learned the meaning of emotional stress, makes all food unappetizing. Haven't been able to eat much besides fruit and toast since. At this rate, I'll fit into my skinny pants by Friday. (Come to think of it, I didn't have much of an appetite on Friday or Saturday either. AND I forced my students to listen to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" over and over again on Friday. Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart... Hmm, coincidence or scary premonitions? Must pay closer attention to this in the future.)

In order to take my mind off things, I threw myself into softball last night, getting myself all muddy and bruised and bloody. Does that make me weird that it felt good to get bruised and battered? Or is it just that the physical pain takes your mind off the emotional kind? I've also invited my cute neighbor to trivia tomorrow night (that's pub quiz to you Fenella), and he accepted. There it is, the road to recovery. My knee however, will be scarred for awhile.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

From Zero to Crushing Disappointment in 3 Seconds Flat

Funny how life can go from happily cruising along to terribly, horribly wrong in no time flat, isn't it? Until about 10:00 this morning, I was having a stellar weekend. Then crushing disappointment set in. Let's back it up a bit...

On Friday night, the Dark Horse and I went salsa dancing. I like to salsa dance. Dark Horse had told me that he is a white man through and through and cannot dance at all. Still, it was his suggestion that we go on Friday. He said he would go and make a fool out of himself a few times before handing me over to someone who could actually dance. I was v. excited about our Friday night date, and even more excited when he said that he was excited that I was excited. It turned out to be an excellent night. I found out he really wasn't kidding when he said he couldn't dance, but it was just so damn cute that he got out there and did his best to twirl me around a few times. I really wasn't interested in dancing with anyone else. And when he found another guy talking to me when he got back from the bathroom, he put his arm around my waist to let the guy know I wasn't there alone. All was well.

It continued to be a good night all the way until early the next afternoon. That's when I took a deep breath, and told him that I wasn't interested in any imaginary boyfriends, so was he planning on becoming one? He said he didn't plan on becoming an imaginary boyfriend. All was well.

That evening, I went around to his place (for the first time). We made dinner and watched a movie. (Say Anything, on Fenella's advice) We went to bed. All was well. In the morning, he made me scrambled eggs and an English muffin for breakfast. We went back to bed, and spent a lazy Sunday morning goofing off and laughing a lot. All was really well.

Then in a lull in conversation, he said, "So Violet. If you're not interested in an imaginary boyfriend, what are you interested in?" I couldn't very well tell him that I want a wedding gown (Say Yes to the Dress is a guilty pleasure of mine...) and a baby or two, so after a few false starts, I simply explained that if it wasn't going to go anywhere, then it just shouldn't be happening. That's when he said, "Well, I can't say I'm looking for anything serious right now."

The music came to a screeching halt. My face got really hot, and I had that burning, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when something really awful has happened, and you know that no matter what happens, it can't be undone.

I didn't say anything for a awhile. Then I had to listen to him tell me how much he likes me and how much he really likes what we have. But there's always a "but." Always. He went on to explain that when we first met many months ago that he had been with someone for about a year when she got transferred overseas. They tried the long-distance thing, but that of course doesn't work out. He still talks to her though, regularly. Then he used that phrase "emotionally available" in reference to his not being it.

The entire time, I kept thinking, "This cannot be happening, this CANNOT be happening." I mean, how many times in my life do I have to hear "you're really great, but..." I mean, I was beginning to compare him to a real-life Jim Halpert. He's sweet, he's goofy and hilarious. And tall! And now he's pulling this emotionally unavailable bullshit on me?

He repeated again that he really likes what we have, and was there any chance we could just be casual? And this is where I did myself proud. I told him that I think he's kind of awesome, and that I just like him too much to be casual. Then I got up, put my clothes on, told him not to call me until he figures things out, and left. Hoorah!

Okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. But that's essentially what happened. As I was getting up to put my clothes back on, he asked if this meant that he shouldn't call me until he figures things out. I told him that would be for the best. I mean, the easiest thing in the world would be to say that things can continue the way they are. But this CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT that I'm feeling now would be increased ten-fold if he didn't change his mind in a month or two. And what self-respecting man would want a real girlfriend when he can have an imaginary one? We parted on good terms; with a joke or two and a hug and a kiss good-bye (because damn is he one fine kisser...)

I managed to hold it together on the way home. I think I was probably still in shock that something so promising had yet again gone so terribly awry. But when I got home to my empty house, I knew that I needed a friend and a hug, so I called McNerdy. He had plans for the afternoon, but when he heard how upset I was, he postponed them and came right over. That's when I let myself shed a few tears. But only a few, and more because someone was so willing to drop everything for me. He listened and gave me the obligatory "You're wonderful, smart, funny, and beautiful. You'll be fine" speech. To which my response was "Look how much good that's done me." Because really, girls like us do not come around every day, and when we do, men need to get their shit together! McNerdy also reminded me of the advice I gave him not long ago: The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else. Sometimes, I give pretty good advice. I think this would be a good time to be my usual charming self with that cute neighbor...

While going through this whole sordid tale with Fenella, I received a text message from the Dark Horse himself. He told me that karma is a bitch, as he had just been forced to call poison control after getting some chemical in his eye. At least he recognizes that he wronged me. I mean, if you're only looking for something casual shouldn't you say that? Do I really have to make my intentions known that early? Will this ever get easy? Does anyone have answers?