Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Rights of an Ex-Girlfriend

"So not that I'm stalking or anything, but my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend (well, I don't know how "new" she is, but she's not me :P ) and I can't help thinking how old she looks. Is that terrible? He looks old too. In fact, if you looked at a picture of him and a picture of the cute neighbour, you would probably immediately say that the cute neighbour is younger when he is in fact 8 years older than my ex. I fear that horrible karma is coming my way for thinking these thoughts, but it's hard not to notice." - Violet in a email to Fenella

No Vi it is not terrible and no, horrible karma is not coming your way. Why? Because you are an ex-girlfriend to this person. And you have rights.

The Rights of an Ex-Girlfriend:

1. The right to imagine what it would be like to run into your ex for the first time after your break-up. You are of course looking fabulous and feel fabulous. Him? Not so much.
2. The right to have a bit of wallow and eat a lot of ice-cream if the real-life run in consists of you looking hungover/dishevelled/sick/anything less than fabulous with lipstick on your teeth and an ink stain on your shirt.
3. The right to occasionally stalk him on Facebook.
4. The right to occasionally stalk him on Facebook – even if you’ve dumped him as a Facebook friend.
5. The right to wish that you find someone else before he does. (Not that you don’t want him to be happy. You just want to be happy first.)
6. The right to look at photos of him and his new girlfriend (obviously this has occurred after you have found your fabulous new boyfriend) and feel relieved to see that she is not as pretty as you. (Not that you’re a horrible person. She is still pretty, just not as pretty as you).
7. The right to ask your friend to look on Facebook at photos of your ex and his new girlfriend because you don’t feel you can give an unbiased opinion. (From what I can tell from the back of her head Vi you are prettier).
8. The right to laugh hysterically when you find out that your ex’s new girlfriend is 5 years younger than you. And you’re only 23. You also have the right to tell loads of people this and say that he is clearly going through an early mid-life crisis. (A personal example there).

Most importantly, these rights do not result in bad karma. Just don’t waste too much time on them because Mr Darcy (Pride and Prejudice version or Bridget Jones. Delete as applicable.) could be right around the corner.


Grayer said...

I can totally relate to this! A while back my friend told me to check out my ex's new girlfriend. He had long since unfriended me so she gave me her name to Facebook stalk. Not to be a bitch, but that girl looks like a dude. Short hair, stocky build, she was actually on her college's wrestling team. I hope it doesn't give me bad karma to say, that boy has definitely gone downhill since me. My friend whole heartedly agreed.

Violet said...

Ok. Fen's post and Grayer's response have made me realize that it is ok to give Fen my facebook name and password so that she can check out this situation. I mean, he seriously looks old. I NEED another opinion, although I'm sure Fen won't be unbiased, and would probably tell me I was prettier than the new girl, even if that weren't true...

Fenella said...

Yes, yes, yes! Send me your FB log-in details. I promise to be objective and report back immediately with my findings.

Grayer said...

I want to see!!

Scarlet said...

Vi, you mean your college ex, right?

My assessment: I think it is the receding hairline...it has receded further since college. His girlfriend doesn't just look older. I think she *is* older. He did tell me he wanted to try dating a blonde though. She wears too much makeup and encourages mustaches.

Fenella said...

I have done my stalking (after Vi gave FB her permission for her FB account to be accessed from the UK). I can report back that Vi is correct, he does look old, Vi is prettier and the cute neighbour is prettier than the ex. My work here is done!

Violet said...

I very much appreciate everyone's input on this matter. I still think Fen is being a bit biased, but I'll take it. Scarlet, what did you mean when you said she encourages mustaches?