Speculums, swabs and stirrups

It's an STD update, y'all!

Two months ago I had a biopsy done to remove some nasty little cells all up in my cervix thanks to HPV.  Several weeks ago I finally got back a pathologist report on my cervical sample, which seemed to get sent all over the city for second opinions.  Yeah, my cervix gets around.  No big.

It seems like the answer isn't as straight forward as my SheDoctor and I had hoped.  We wanted negative margins, meaning all normal cells on the margins of the sample.  In some areas that didn't quite happen, meaning one of two things.  A) Those nasty little cells are still there or B) Those nasty little cells were taken care of when she was closing the wound.  After a quick follow-up, where she explained this all to me and took a quick look at my vajayjay to see how I was healing ("It looks beautiful, Grayer!"), she promptly made me an appointment on the other side of town with a specialist.  A gynecology oncology specialist.

1. I feel far too young to be at an oncologists office.  2.  My gyno/onco is a married man in his 40s.  3. This made me wonder if when they were dating, his wife was concerned that he knew more about vaginas than she did.  It would concern me.

He's a nice guy, we consulted, he drew me a diagram (This, is your cervix...) and helped me understand things better.  He used words like "multi-focal" "dysplasia" "aggressive" and "impaired fertility".  It was heavy stuff.  He kept looking at me for a response that I couldn't seem to come up with.  Maybe I should have brought someone with me like the nurse told me I could during my reminder phone call.  I guess that's what husbands are for.  To give a response during heavy consultations.

Then he asked me what I wanted to do.  Ummm...not another biopsy?  Ummm...not further impair my fertility?  Ummm....run away screaming and never let another metal object into my vagina ever again?  (Where is my nonexistent husband when I need him? He could cause a distraction!)  Or, he suggests, we play it by ear, with a Pap smear here and a Pap smear there (here a pap, there a pap, everywhere a pap, pap).  "We have to keep an eye on you Grayer. I don't care if I move to Omaha, I'll be calling you every 4 months to get you a Pap smear." (To which I responded, "why would you ever move to Omaha?") So we agreed, he'd examine me right then and again in a month, and then probably have another biopsy in a couple months.  Deal.

Wanted:  A man that will come at me with something other than a speculum and swab.  Preferably not with my feet in stirrups and a paper sheet on my lap.  No florescent lighting either.  It kills the mood.

"Good news, Grayer! You're healing beautifully!  You have a very normal looking cervix!" He excitedly tells me while looking up at me through my knees.  (Ok, I don't mean to brag or anything but this is the second gyno who's told me I have a beautiful cervix.  I'm totally adding that to a future dating profile).  Do you know what's so great about having a normal cervix?  That means that my first biopsy didn't deteriorate or shorten my cervix too much, meaning I could have another biopsy without further impairing my fertility (the shorter the cervix, the harder it is to go full-term).  Sweet! Wait, does this mean I had a long cervix to begin with? (Because that will also go on my dating profile).

Despite the dire consultation, my beautiful cervix and I left the office feeling pretty good.  The best news of all: I don't have to go back until May!  That's a whole blissful month and a half without metal and latex gloves up my whoha!  Hooray!  Now if I could only get a man all up in my bizness without a metal object...guess I need to start working on that profile.