A slight flashback to get us started...
I was on the rebound, and dating a guy that was more into me than I was into him. He was nice, definitely my type, but sadly, not as much my type as the commitment-phobe/fuckwit that had just crushed me, so I really wasn't that into him. We had gone out on a date, but still hadn't had any real mouth-to-mouth action when he invited me over for dinner. He actually cooked me dinner. Chicken, salad, wine, the works. So obviously we had to hit the couch for a post you've-just-cooked-dinner-for-me make-out session. And it was good. Except for one not-so-little thing.
His heavy breathing.
This may sound like an innocent make-out faux pas, but I assure you, it was not. It was a fairly innocent make-out session; there wasn't even groping involved for crying out loud, and here he was, panting like a porn star. I mean, the guy turned out to be an above average kisser, but I couldn't enjoy it because I was so completely freaked out. I just kept thinking un-sexy thoughts like "is there something going on for him that's not happening for me?" and "maybe he should hit the gym for a little extra cardio?" and "seriously, it's not like it's his first time, is it?" (it wasn't, he's a serial monogomist of the worst kind. More about that and his corresponding fuckwittage later.).
Because of the screaming awkwardness of the situation, I ended the lip-lock much sooner than I would have liked. I just couldn't enjoy it. But I believe in second chances, so later that evening, I gave him a second chance. And it happened AGAIN!
So I did what any sensible girl would do. I avoided any and all potential make-out sessions for two weeks. Harder than you think. This story has a happy ending, though. He must have taken up running in those two weeks, because after that, the unnecessary heavy breathing was replaced by the appropriate kind.
However, he will hereby be referred to as The Heavy Breather.
Showing posts with label serial monogamist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serial monogamist. Show all posts
Monday, October 13, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Dating Dictionary
In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...
Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.
Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.
Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.
Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.
Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.
Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.
Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)
Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.
Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.
Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.
Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.
Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.
Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.
Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.
Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.
Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.
Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.
Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.
Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)
Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.
Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.
Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.
Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.
Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.
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