The men of online dating

Lets face it once we enter the real world (aka the post college years) there are fewer opportunities to meet single men. While some women are advocates of meeting men at bars, I find that I’m somewhat turned off by drunk guys hitting on me. So a while back I decided to try online dating. I figured that at the very least it would be amusing and I’d have some good stories. In theory I think that online dating is an excellent idea but sadly in practice I found that a majority of the guys fit into one of three categories.

1. The Socially Awkward. Online dating is, of course, the best medium for the socially awkward man. These men are usually harmless but it may be difficult to hold a conversation with them. Phone calls and dates with these men are plagued with awkward pauses. Be prepared to carry the conversation and try not to look at your watch too much. The socially awkward is often synonymous with the “never been had” (coined by Grayer). On the up side, men in this category are not likely to use up many of your guapo points!
2. God’s Gift to Women. Men in this category are typically overly confident and immature. As God’s gift to women they feel that it is their duty to play the field and date as many women as possible. Often their profiles include shirtless pictures and sexually suggestive comments. (Some are more subtle than others. This category also includes the type of guy who would include a joke like “No, that’s not a banana in my pocket. I’m just that excited to see you.” in his profile.) Over inflated egos may result in unrealistically high expectations. Don’t be offended if one of these men rejects you. He is doing you a favor. Do not waste guapo points on God’s gift to women. I had a conversation with God and he said you can do better!
3. The Work Obsessed. Perhaps the most illusive and unpredictable men of online dating are the work obsessed. In my experience these men would appear to be most normal of the online dating pool. They are also the least responsive but when they do write their messages are witty and interesting (just enough to fuel your daydreams and keep you coming back for more). The work obsessed joins an online dating service because they don’t have time to meet anyone. Unfortunately, they have trouble adjusting their priorities to make time for a girlfriend. In the unlikely event that the work obsessed commits to a date, be prepared for heartache. Even if the date goes well there is a danger that the work obsessed will choose something else over you. These men are my weakness. The optimist in me still believes that for the right girl the work obsessed would alter his priorities somewhat.

I am taking a break from online dating (it is very time consuming), but I encourage you to try it for yourself. It is not nearly as taboo as it once was and it allows you to take a more proactive stance on dating. However, be prepared to sift through a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now if that is your objective.

"Lo siento Señorita, no amor para ti"

A couple weeks ago, I tested out a love spell to see if anything would happen. It's been almost two weeks, and I can confidently report that this particular love spell is a bust. Nothing, nada, zilch.

But is it the love spells failure, or my lack of guapo points?

My guapo points theory is my explanation for my recent dry spell in the romance department. Earlier this year, while traveling, I had a bit of a fling with a chico muy guapo in South America. He was everything I never go for, the complete opposite of my type. (Guapo is Spanish for hottie.) The ladies even gave him the nickname "Guapo." He taught me how to dance the salsa (earning him the nickname "McSalsa") and even made it necessary to coin the phrase "lip molestation." Obviously, it was short-lived, but we had a week, which is more than some people get in a lifetime. (Dramatic/Sarcastic sigh)

The year got off to a red-hot start, but ever since? Zero, nada, zilch. Which made me start to wonder. Normally, I go for cute, nerdy guys. Not dungeons and dragons nerds, Weezer nerds. Last year, I exclusively dated guybrarians (and not on purpose). I've sworn them off for the time being. But like dating the captain of the football team, what if Guapo/McSalsa was a bit out of my league and I used up all my hypothetical guapo points?

Let's say I get 25 guapo points in a year. Men are assigned a point value, based not on their character, but on their WOW factor: Half a point being Dungeons and Dragons types who still live in their mom's basement, and 25 being the guy that give women whiplash when they walk by. Therefore, Jim Halpert is probably "only" a 10, because, while he is obviously painfully adorable, most of his perfection lies in his sweetness and sense of humor. Brad Pitt, meanwhile, is a 25 due to his outright hotness.

Guapo was around a 23. Seriously. Therefore, I only have two guapo points left in the year, and do I really want to stoop so low? Am I really that desperate? Ask again in a month, but I surely hope not.

"But what about those girls that seem to go from one guapo to another?" I'm glad you asked. Those girls, through a deal with The Devil, have been awarded hundreds of guapo points. As a result, they don't have many girlfriends, and therefore do not participate on this blog.

The Guapo Points Theory (GPT) may have been invented as a way to make me feel better about my lack of excitement, but I think it makes perfect sense.

Dating Dictionary

In case you're wondering what on earth we're talking about sometimes...

Commitment phobe- n. Someone incapable of commitment. The thought of making plans beyond next weekend makes him or her break out into a cold sweat. Uses phrases like "going too fast" and "let's keep things casual." It is unlikely you will ever hear from him or her after the third date.
commitment phobic- n. Neurological disorder that turns a normally sensible person into a commitment phobe.

Friends with benefits- n. Boy who is a friend you wouldn't consider dating, but who you happen to know is an excellent kisser (hence the benefits). Benefits may end abruptly if boy acquires an actual girlfriend.

Fuckwit- n. One who commits fuckwittage.

Fuckwittage- n. First used in Bridget Jones' Diary, synonym for bad behavior displayed by men while dating. Includes, but is not limited to, disappearing, or other behavior intended to avoid actually breaking up with you, not calling, substituting actual conversations with e-mail/internet chat, breaking plans, inability to commit. Committed by fuckwits.
2. v. Playing with emotions by leading women on. Emotional fuckwittage.

Guapo Points- n. The number of points assigned to a man based on his hotness factor. Does not factor in personality traits. V. shallow.

Guapo Points Theory- n. Theory that suggests women only have a certain number of guapo points to use in a year, thereby limiting the amount of hottie action seen in any given year. History: Developed by Violet to explain dry spell that occurred after hook-up with man ranking very highly on the guapo points.

Imaginary boyfriend- n. Boy who hangs out with you a
lot, enjoys your company and making out with you, but
will not commit to the title of Boyfriend. Takes on
many 'boyfriend-like' responsibilties, calls you
frequently, yet disappoints you often. Not to be confused with "Friends with
Benefits." (Although benefits may sometimes be
included, they are not necessarily part of the
imaginary boyfriend package.)

Lesbi-friendship- n. A close friendship between two heterosexual women that is in no way a lesbian relationship, but deserves to be recognized as more than just an average friendship.

Lip molestation- v. Kissing which results in split lips, flaky skin, bruising, and the feeling that your lips are about to be pulled off during a make-out session. History: First used when Violet nearly had her lips chewed off by an over-eager South American.

Serial monogamist- n. Someone who simply cannot be single for any significant period of time, goes from one long-term relationship to another. Incapable of being a singleton.

Singleton- n. The opposite of a serial monogamist, someone who has a series of imaginary boyfriends, friends with benefits, and dates with fuckwits, commitment phobes, etc. Cannot seem to find her personal McDreamy. Unlucky in love. Prefers to call Valentine's Day Single's Awareness Day (SAD), as has spent more February 14ths single than in a relationship. Spends more time analyzing and dissecting relationships than actually having them. History: First recognized by Helen Fielding in Bridget Jones' Diary.

Smug Married- n. Person who is married and cannot understand how it is possible to be unmarried and happy at the same time. Usually tries to set up singleton friends with unsuitable bachelors.