From Zero to Crushing Disappointment in 3 Seconds Flat

Funny how life can go from happily cruising along to terribly, horribly wrong in no time flat, isn't it? Until about 10:00 this morning, I was having a stellar weekend. Then crushing disappointment set in. Let's back it up a bit...

On Friday night, the Dark Horse and I went salsa dancing. I like to salsa dance. Dark Horse had told me that he is a white man through and through and cannot dance at all. Still, it was his suggestion that we go on Friday. He said he would go and make a fool out of himself a few times before handing me over to someone who could actually dance. I was v. excited about our Friday night date, and even more excited when he said that he was excited that I was excited. It turned out to be an excellent night. I found out he really wasn't kidding when he said he couldn't dance, but it was just so damn cute that he got out there and did his best to twirl me around a few times. I really wasn't interested in dancing with anyone else. And when he found another guy talking to me when he got back from the bathroom, he put his arm around my waist to let the guy know I wasn't there alone. All was well.

It continued to be a good night all the way until early the next afternoon. That's when I took a deep breath, and told him that I wasn't interested in any imaginary boyfriends, so was he planning on becoming one? He said he didn't plan on becoming an imaginary boyfriend. All was well.

That evening, I went around to his place (for the first time). We made dinner and watched a movie. (Say Anything, on Fenella's advice) We went to bed. All was well. In the morning, he made me scrambled eggs and an English muffin for breakfast. We went back to bed, and spent a lazy Sunday morning goofing off and laughing a lot. All was really well.

Then in a lull in conversation, he said, "So Violet. If you're not interested in an imaginary boyfriend, what are you interested in?" I couldn't very well tell him that I want a wedding gown (Say Yes to the Dress is a guilty pleasure of mine...) and a baby or two, so after a few false starts, I simply explained that if it wasn't going to go anywhere, then it just shouldn't be happening. That's when he said, "Well, I can't say I'm looking for anything serious right now."

The music came to a screeching halt. My face got really hot, and I had that burning, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when something really awful has happened, and you know that no matter what happens, it can't be undone.

I didn't say anything for a awhile. Then I had to listen to him tell me how much he likes me and how much he really likes what we have. But there's always a "but." Always. He went on to explain that when we first met many months ago that he had been with someone for about a year when she got transferred overseas. They tried the long-distance thing, but that of course doesn't work out. He still talks to her though, regularly. Then he used that phrase "emotionally available" in reference to his not being it.

The entire time, I kept thinking, "This cannot be happening, this CANNOT be happening." I mean, how many times in my life do I have to hear "you're really great, but..." I mean, I was beginning to compare him to a real-life Jim Halpert. He's sweet, he's goofy and hilarious. And tall! And now he's pulling this emotionally unavailable bullshit on me?

He repeated again that he really likes what we have, and was there any chance we could just be casual? And this is where I did myself proud. I told him that I think he's kind of awesome, and that I just like him too much to be casual. Then I got up, put my clothes on, told him not to call me until he figures things out, and left. Hoorah!

Okay, so it wasn't quite that dramatic. But that's essentially what happened. As I was getting up to put my clothes back on, he asked if this meant that he shouldn't call me until he figures things out. I told him that would be for the best. I mean, the easiest thing in the world would be to say that things can continue the way they are. But this CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT that I'm feeling now would be increased ten-fold if he didn't change his mind in a month or two. And what self-respecting man would want a real girlfriend when he can have an imaginary one? We parted on good terms; with a joke or two and a hug and a kiss good-bye (because damn is he one fine kisser...)

I managed to hold it together on the way home. I think I was probably still in shock that something so promising had yet again gone so terribly awry. But when I got home to my empty house, I knew that I needed a friend and a hug, so I called McNerdy. He had plans for the afternoon, but when he heard how upset I was, he postponed them and came right over. That's when I let myself shed a few tears. But only a few, and more because someone was so willing to drop everything for me. He listened and gave me the obligatory "You're wonderful, smart, funny, and beautiful. You'll be fine" speech. To which my response was "Look how much good that's done me." Because really, girls like us do not come around every day, and when we do, men need to get their shit together! McNerdy also reminded me of the advice I gave him not long ago: The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else. Sometimes, I give pretty good advice. I think this would be a good time to be my usual charming self with that cute neighbor...

While going through this whole sordid tale with Fenella, I received a text message from the Dark Horse himself. He told me that karma is a bitch, as he had just been forced to call poison control after getting some chemical in his eye. At least he recognizes that he wronged me. I mean, if you're only looking for something casual shouldn't you say that? Do I really have to make my intentions known that early? Will this ever get easy? Does anyone have answers?

If tomorrow never comes...

You may be wondering why I haven't been posting much lately. Well to put it simply, I've been in a funk. I haven't felt like posting because I haven't had anything funny and upbeat to contribute. The economy has me trapped in a job that I hate, but I've been too practical to do something drastic. So I force myself to go to work everyday, but I leave for work a little later every morning. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have panic attacks when I get to work. I go to the bathroom when I really don't need to just as an excuse to get away from my desk. Some weeks I start dreading Monday before I even leave work on Friday. Some Sundays I cry because I know that the next day I have to return to my own personal prison. I sit at a desk counting the hours, the minutes till I can leave. Some days I think will never end.

This isn't anything new. I've hated my job since I started a few years ago, but over the last few months it has gotten worse. My only friend at work found a new job. It has been months since I've been given a project even vaguely relating to my educational background and experience. I'm expected to write mind-numbing reports on topics that I know nothing about and, honestly, I would prefer that it stayed that way. As if that isn't enough, one of my project managers is very condescending and finds fault in everything I do. I'd go to my supervisor but he often makes me uncomfortable by making inappropriate comments and getting in my personal space.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to get out whether I've found a new job or not. With the shape the economy is in I'm scared shitless by this decision. So if I don't find a new job by the end of the year, I will go back to school. Somedays it seems like the end of the year will never come...

Violet and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

I expected to spend the week snogging John Boy, but by Monday afternoon he still hadn't called, so I went out for margaritas with McNerdy, but when that was over and I had sobered up enough to realize that he STILL hadn't called, it made me sad again. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

On Wednesday, my alarm didn't go off, so I was rushing around in the morning, and when I went to the gym after work, I realized that I brought two shirts and no shorts, so I just went home.

It was so hot in my apartment I couldn't even put pants on, and then I remembered John Boy promised to look at my A/C when he got back, but he STILL hadn't called, even after I sent him an email giving him my theories as to his whereabouts. Then after I got out of the shower, I realized that this is the second time a boy has chucked me after he went away for a little while, since things had been going well with McNerdy until he went off into the wilderness for two months and wasn't much interested in me when he came back. It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

So then I called Scarlet, because I knew she would assure me that boys didn't forget about me the moment they went on holiday, but she didn't answer, so I had to leave her a voicemail message asking her to call me back and offer moral support before I ate a pint of extreme moosetracks and finished a bottle of wine. She called me back, but not before I ate all the moosetracks and drank all the wine.

"I'm having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week!" I cried, but nobody answered, mostly because my roommate is out of town and the cat doesn't care.

I think I'll move to Australia.

I was really excited to see one of my favorite bands in concert on Friday night, but on Thursday I found out the concert was canceled. I bet they're playing in Australia.

And the worst of it came today when my boss announced everyone was going to have to take a pay cut, so I guess I really should focus more on The Highlander, since he can afford to spend more money on one dinner than I can spend in two weeks on groceries.

I bet the economy isn't this bad in Australia.

I haven't kissed anyone this week, and I love kissing.

I really need to clean, but I hate cleaning.

My apartment is still too hot to wear pants.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week.

But tonight I'm going to go see a movie starring Jim Halpert himself with a beard and glasses, so it will be like heaven, and tomorrow I'm going out on a THIRD DATE with The Highlander, so it's not all bad.

Besides, everyone has bad weeks.

Even in Australia.