Help! I need somebody

I've had a weird day.  A very weird day.

It has finally happened.  I've finally seen someone I know on OkCupid.  A guy I know from my volleyball meetup group (which has hundreds of people in it, he's an organizer), sent me a message this morning.  He didn't realize who I was.  And while the message was very clever and I would probably have responded, I can't, because I want to play volleyball again someday without it being wicked awkward.  I'm slightly mortified by this experience.  Also, I must really look like hell when playing beach volleyball.

I was out to lunch for a coworker's last day, when my innocent Chinese colleague (who this past weekend I took to a bar for his first time ever and got him drunk off a half a beer) asked what it felt like to get high.  My boss replied, "I wouldn't know, I've never done marijuana."  So my colleague just kept asking me what it feels like.  Note: You don't ask someone about illegal drug use while in front of your boss!  Isn't that written in the employee manual or something?  After the longest 30 seconds of my life, I just shrugged and said "Google it."

Here's the kicker.  After returning from lunch, I get on Facebook to find a random ass message from Jonny Fucking Damon.  It's been a long time since his last Facebook message, but oh, how I remember it.  This time around he said, "Hey. Random, I know, but you just popped up in my head. How are you? Have a good summer?"  Which leads me to ask aloud, What the Fuck?  What the hell does he want?  Why is he doing this?  Why did he put a "." after Hey when it clearly should have been a "!" or ","

But seriously, WHY DO THEY DO THIS?!  Pop up out of no where, wondering how you've been!  Mind your business, assholes!  I was doing quite well without you wondering how I was, thank you.  Now I'm going to think about you the rest of the afternoon while trying to resist answering your message.  Damn my curiosity. I need to know what you want.  Must...Answer...  I waited three whole hours before responding with a brief "I'm doing well, sad summer's over, did you get a teaching job?" type message.  But I just kept thinking, what the fuck does Jonny fucking Damon want?  Why now? Ugh.

He responded shortly there after, giving me a life update with questions about myself thrown in, and ended with this,  "Mr. D-bag (me) still has your movie, what would you say to a drink, so I can deliver it to you finally?"   What the hell are you up to, Jonny fucking Damon?!  Yes, you still have my fucking movie.  You said you'd get it back to me 20 times since I left it at your house.  But why do you suddenly have a guilty conscience about it 8 months later?  What are you after?!

Would someone please tell me how to respond?  Seriously, tell me what to do.  I'm curious as to what the hell he wants but I don't know if seeing him would be a good thing.  I also don't think it will actually happen as he promised to get it to me so many times before.  I would like it back, not because I can't find it for 10 bucks at Wal-mart, but it's the principle that matters now.  What would he do if there wasn't a movie involved? Would he still be asking me for drinks?  I'm so curious!  Any advice will help.  Pleeeeease!

The cat's meow

Wanna hear about some dates?  Of course you do!

Last week I went on four dates.  chyeah, that only happens in the online world.

First there was a coffee date with a 24 year old who seems to be straight out of college.  Firstly, why do I go on coffee dates when I don't like coffee?  Secondly, I'm glad he's finally living on his own from his adoptive parents and dog.  He asked me if I wanted to help him shop for baby presents sometime.  Ummm...maybe?

Next was drinks with a nervous architect dude.  I don't remember what we talked about other than that he kept saying "Well this has been fun".  That's something you say at the end when you're saying goodbyes.  Not several times in the middle.  Awkward.  Also, I outdrank him.  I downed my beer while he milked his and then didn't even finish it.  A guy who can't finish a beer?!  Next!  He invited me on a date to the Art Museum, which I'd be down for if it wasn't so gorgeous out.  And also, he's not terribly interesting and obviously hasn't dated much.  Oh yeah, and he can't finish a beer! (And yes, I do judge him for it).

I had a dinner date with a dorky financial guy who lives in New Hampshire.  We met in the middle and he paid.  He's definitely been the easiest to make conversation with by far and I did have a good time.  Things went south when we drove to a miniature golf course (by far one of the nicest courses I've ever seen, and I don't mean to brag, but I've seen a lot of mini golf courses) only to find it closed for the night.  We drive to a bar he knows of, only to find it closed for renovations.  Apparently it wasn't meant to be.  I'd definitely hang out with him again, but I have no interest in dating him.

The last date was over the weekend.  My holiday weekend kind of sucked due to all of my friends being out of town. That, and me being ridiculously allergic to something in my friends house when I stopped by to feed her cat.  I'm talking serious allergies, with itchy eyes so bad that my right eye swelled up so that I could only half open it.  It was an attractive look, might I say.  I actually would have been freaking out about my blood-shot ballooning eye (think Splinter Induced Delirium, but on my face!) had it not been for the allergy medication subduing me.  I spent most of the weekend in a Benadryl-induced coma, which I came out of just long enough to go on a date.  I told this guy about it (my eye was still a bit puffy) which got us on the subject of cats.  He seemed concerned that I was allergic to my friends cat.  Doubtful, I have a cat of my own.  He used to have a cat, until he died this past winter. I'm not even joking when I say, I thought this guy was going to cry.  Seriously, his eyes were welling up as he told me the sob story.  Don't get me wrong, it was a sad story (his cat died in his arms on their way to the vet's office, and surprisingly, he was only 7) and I can literally start crying at the very thought of losing my beloved Mr. Kitty Meowington.  But dude, please don't cry on our first date about your cat.  I am not a big enough person to handle that gracefully.   I will inevitably make a joke about wanting to be with cats on rainbows (if you haven't seen this video, watch it.  You'll never call me a crazy cat lady ever again) and having a house full of them so we can just roll around together.  That's what I do when I feel awkward, I make ill-timed jokes.  I don't really remember anything else we talked about during the one beer we drank.  It was a short date, ending with a "I'll drop you a line sometime".   We both know that I'll never be hearing from the Cat Cryer ever again.

Well-endowed

If you're one of those people who has never dated online, you're pretty much missing out.  I'm going to share some secrets with you.  Sometimes, when on such a classy establishment as OkCupid, you get messages that can only be considered a gift due to the profile that it leads to (And sometimes the message itself is a gift, check out this site for endless examples).  A "Hey there pretty smile, I think we'd have a lot in common" and a 47% match/47% enemy rating makes me whole-heartedly interested (I want to date a "bad" match just to see how bad it is).  The below is taken directly from a profile of a 21 year old who messaged me.  I have a feeling this guy is right up there with the thigh guy. 

Self Summary

NOTE: I do not date thin or skinny girls. I prefer girls with meat on them, but not too much. Proportional. HOWEVER, if you are a full-figured girl I will give you a chance to persuade me. There are plenty of full-figured girls out there with big curves up-top and a manageable middle curve. I WILL NOT DATE anyone who: uses drugs, smokes, drinks more than socially, has any kids, has not gone beyond high school or is otherwise in a dead-end life.

That being said, I am a very caring, devoted, fun-loving person who give his all to make a relationship work but, I need to know that you will do the same. I can like you, love you and devote my entire life to you but I will not waste my time if I do not feel you are equally connected to me. I'm looking for a real girl who is more than just what appears on her profile. I need to be attracted to her both intellectually and physically for anything to spark between us. I know what I'm looking for, and I AM living proof that chivalry is not dead. The greatest gift you could ever give me is your love and I wish to receive that gift everyday. I just want you to know, whoever you are that I will be there for you in any way you need. Not simply to calm you down, but because I care about you and cannot be happy until I know that you are too.

I have been involved in community volunteer work for about ten years. I am also passionate about improving the environment and making sure it is safe for future generations.

Please send me a message if you are interested in me or not. Also, if you are not interested and I have favorited you, kindly provide an email saying why you don't think we'd make a good match. Again, chivalry is not dead, remember that

What I’m doing with my life

Right now I am taking time off from school to volunteer at my local hospital. I needed to take this break for personal reasons, and will let you know why if I feel close enough to you.

The first things people usually notice about me

I am very quiet at first, but that's usually a sign of me crafting something to say. Sometimes I'm sneaky with my quietness. I'm always the guy that people can hang out with, and will stay with a person well after a party is over to so that he/she can let out some steam. Other than that, I have good tastes and my voice can sometimes veer towards monotone

You should message me if

...you're a curvy cutie who knows about what's going on in the world. I'm attracted to girls who like to have fun, but also take time to admire the simple things in life. Intelligence and physical fitness are must haves for me.

NOTE: I realize curvy can be a confusing term. I'm looking for a girl who has big curves up top, and less so a curve in the middle. Well-endowed, if you will.


Dear Mr. Curve Hugger, 
Thanks for the message.  I really like quiet guys who speak in monotone. It's great that you've been volunteering full time since you were 11, I'm sure your mother (whom I assume you still live with) is very proud of you.  I'm assuming you messaged me because of window shopping my pictures.  Yes, I do have curves on top as you may see, but you should know that I was wearing Spanx in those pictures, therefore my middle curves may be larger than they appear.  In my opinion they are "manageable" but I'm not sure if you'd agree, curvy is a confusing term, but I'd like to think I'm well-endowed?  Maybe I can send you my measurements and you can decide for yourself.  Look forward to hearing from you. 
Grayer

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First and Second

Two weeks ago I was at a bar, celebrating (yet secretly crying on the inside) the last day of work for my good friend/co-worker, K$.  We were a couple beers in when we started talking to the guy sitting next to me, who I had noticed had previously been sitting on the other side of K$.  He was fun, a big guy who had the personality of a teddy bear.  If he were standing outside of a bar, I would immediately given him my ID, he looks like a bouncer.  After K$ left, I stayed and hung out, we exchanged numbers, and I met him out later on in the week.  I realized the reason why I liked him the first time, he thinks I'm funny.  (I like people who think I'm funny).  But that's about all I like about him.  He's kind of old, he smokes, and he tells really boring stories.  But he does think I'm funny. ..

It was pretty clear he was trying to date me.  Ugh, why does he have to try to date me?  Why can't we just get drinks every once and a while after work, at the bar he gets free drinks at?  He can laugh at everything I say, get me drunk, and then not try to kiss me.  That would be perfect.  My outings with the bouncer reminded me of something: I like when guys take me out, laugh at my jokes and tell me I look pretty.  It reminded me I do want to date, I just don't want to date him.

So I reactivated my OkCupid account, updated it, and then promptly ignored it.  After all, I've been busy, looking for a new job is like having a second job.  However, I logged on one day and stayed on (mostly because my friend called and I left it open) and low and behold, guys started messaging me.  One guy in particular actually got me responding.  Financial Frank works on mutual funds downtown.  I have no idea what that means, but I've wanted to date a rich guy for almost forever, and the financial district is a step in the right direction.  More importantly he seemed to have quite a personality and actually made me laugh.  He also lives in my area.  I suggested we meet for drinks.  He suggested we have a phone date first (seriously? who does that? who actually likes talking on the phone?).  I talked to him that night for an hour and a half! I don't even talk to Violet for that long! I don't even know what we talked about!  He did explain to me why he likes to talk to people on the phone first (it involves a smelly girl with a lisp) and it's a pretty funny story.

On Wednesday we finally meet for our drinks.  Things went well.  Not gonna lie, I got a little drunk.  Tipsy drunk, not "I'm going to make bad decisions" drunk.  He paid for the beers and we start walking in the general direction of our houses (turns out we live close, like, really close).  At the corner where we are to go our separate ways, he kisses me.  Damn, he's a good kisser.  He decides he'll just walk me home, I let him.  We walk through the park.  He kisses me again.  Before you know it, we're full on making out under a tree in the park.  Not just under a tree, up against a tree. It. was. hot.  We recompose.  This is ridiculous. We're making out in a public park.  There's roaming hands involved.  What are we, high schoolers?  We walk the remaining block.  We talk on my front steps.  We make out a little more and say good night.

I come into my house feeling slightly mortified about what just happened.  I don't usually kiss a guy on a first date.  Not because I'm against it, but because I'm so damn awkward that I don't know what to do and end up giving him a weird hug while mumbling brainless pleasantries like a fool.  But that was not awkward, at all.  I'm in the kitchen, my face still red, when my roommate Bernard comes in.  "So, who ya makin' out with on the porch?"  He had been sitting on our balcony, observing it all (luckily he couldn't see the park from there).  I felt like I had just been caught red handed by my father. But then, unlike my father, Bernard proudly says, "Look at you, gettin' ass on a Wednesday."  And yeah, I was kind of proud of myself too.

Leave LiLo out of this!

Another great date with Jonny Damon this weekend including a brewery tour, him fixing my car (I asked him to take his shirt off but with it only being 50 degrees out, he declined) and watching horror movies on the couch.  Oh, and making out, a lot of making out.  Such great dates don't really make me want to meet more guys but I thought I would share this one with you.  Here are some snippets of OkCupid conversation from Mr. Grassroots.  His use of big words while sucking up to me really makes me want to date him *eyeroll.

Hey,

I was really captivated by your enthusiasm for biology. "Enthusiasm" in the sense that I mentioned I did research in Molecular biology. Most specifically, it's pretty noble that your accrued knowledge will be transferred to others through your fervor for teaching. Saying that I eventually wanted to teach with my "accrued knowledge" apparently indicated "fervor".

I'm really into politics, but no so much domestic affairs Yawn. I'm more into political theory, the roots of international crises, and security. Snore.  Sometimes it can be a lot to digest but it has really been enlightening, and has engendered in me a new perspective on the world. Wait what did he say about being engendered?

I had to break it to him straight out, I'm not into politics.  Especially not the theory of politics, because I don't really know what that means.  Oh, well I think I can get along with the fact you aren't particularly into politics. Good.  After all, it might prevent a few potential debates. True. Plus, it paves the way for something else to discuss, whatever that may be. Absolutely. Like Lindsay Lohan. Wait, What? I have never seen the show, Glee. I have heard so many things about it. Huh?


So this week, I'm pretty much filled with interviews, but you seem like such a nice genuine person, that I can't help but ask if you'd like to exchange phone numbers. ....What the fuck?

Now I know you are all thinking two things.  1.  What a condescending asshole! Just because one doesn't like politics doesn't mean one cannot hold an intelligent conversation, thus resorting to discussing if Lindsey Lohan is or is not in rehab/jail/Herbie Fully Loaded II.  and 2.  Please please please go on a date with this man!  I know, that's what I thought too.  So I responded, "Yeah! I love Glee!  My number is ..."  He texted me within two hours.

I had great plans of reading up on Star magazine to have several talking points over drinks with Mr. Grassroots, but I got cold feet.  Not because he seems like an ass, that would make a good story.  I got cold feet because I feel like he could easily be a serial killer.  Behind all those big words and political jargon, he seems really, really intense.  And somewhat crazy.  So I stopped responding to his texts.  Because in jail or not, not even Lindsey would date a serial killer.

The sweater situation

I had a date the other night with a new guy.  I have to say I've really lost interest in the whole OkCupid thing but I'm persevering.  Partly for your reading entertainment, and partly because I don't want to put too much hope on Jonny Damon.  Sure, he's great but we all know The Disappearance can take place anytime, and to anyone.  Plus, this new guy is a serious traveler.  If there's someone I at least have to meet/give a chance, it's a serious traveler.

We had plans to meet at a bar after work, more specifically he told me he was waiting at the end of the bar.  When I got to the bar the only man at the end was clearly 45 years old, at least.  Holy crap, how did I accidentally make a date with a man clearly 20 years older than me?  I text him that I'm there.  The old man moves to get his phone. Damn, my not looking at profile pictures closely enough! I start planning my get away.  I start thinking of how to hide the disgust that is currently all over my face.  I start looking at the guy walking towards me.  The much younger, fairly attractive man, that appears to be smiling at me.  The man in the hooded zipup alpaca sweater.   The man in the alpaca sweater with llamas on it.  I'm going on a date with a man wearing an alpaca sweater, decorated with llamas.  What the hell?

What's a guy thinking wearing a llama ridden sweater out in Boston?  He wasn't even a hipster.  Don't get me wrong.  I've been to Peru, I've seen my fair share of sweaters made out of alpaca wool.  All of which seem to have llamas on them.  Violet and Fenella have even lived in Peru.  But outside of Peru, would you ever want to date a man wearing one?  At least he wasn't 45.

The Alpaca Sweater turned out to be an ok guy.  He has traveled quite a bit, including a stint in the Peace Corps in Ecuador and a trip to Peru, where he picked up that little number.  He also lives extremely close to me, which would be very convenient.  He was an ok guy.  But with or without llamas bounding across his chest, he's really nothing to get excited about.  
 

You had me at HGTV.

I need to gush about my most recent date to someone.  That someone is you. 

On Saturday I went out with Jonny Damon, not the real Johnny Damon (that would be craaaazy), but a guy who I will be calling Jonny Damon for several reasons.  1. Red Sox fan (JD played for the Sox) 2. Beard (in all it's glory) 3. Wicked cute (women would probably be wearing his face on tshirts).

I had high hopes for Jonny Damon.  So high that I was really excited/nervous about our first meeting.  He doesn't live in the city so I met him halfway for dinner.  Yes, dinner for our first meeting, very risky.  But I had a good feeling about JD, and I also had to drive 15 minutes so yeah, I was going to eat dinner.  Firstly, let me tell you how cute he is.  He is sooooo cuuuuuute.  Light brown hair, blue eyes, well trimmed beard.  He is fun to look at.  I almost question if he is too hot for me (but then I remember I am awesome).

Secondly, let me tell you how cool he is.  He's freaking awesome.  He's funny and he thinks I'm funny, which is extremely important to me.  He has a degree in elementary education and wants to teach the second grade (how cute is that?).  Until he finds a teaching job he's been doing carpentry (how hot is that?).  We have a lot in common.  He appreciates 90s Nickelodeon tv just as much, if not more than I do (he owns all episodes of Salute your Shorts and Are you afraid of the Dark?!).   He loves doing home renovations and watches a lot of HGTV (I can not be torn away from renovation/home shows on HGTV!).   He collects sea glass (I just went to a sea glass festival!).  I could go on and on. 

We met for dinner at 7:30, it was packed.  We left around midnight, it was completely deserted.  So yes, I think it's safe to say it went pretty well.  I think we made plans for 4 possible dates in the future.  Things we really want to do but no one else wants to do with us (like horror movies and brewery tours).  I can't get to excited about that yet, one day at a time right?  He texted me today, just to tell me he had a great time on Saturday and that he hopes he can see me this weekend.  This made me ridiculously happy.  Boy, you can see me anytime you want.  Did I mention how cute he is? He's soooo cuuuute.

In the meantime, I not going to turn off OkCupid.  As Violet put it, "In dating, you can't put all your eggs in one basket."  But me liking Jonny Damon so much really made me question if I should see the 35 year old again.  Which I guess I should.  Jonny Damon after all will probably have a date this week so why shouldn't I? 

Three things..

1. I went on a second "drinks date" with the 35 year old.  I still had a good time, he's still a fun guy, he's still 35.  Since I met him after work I feel like he's seen the real me.  The after-work Grayer looks a hell of lot different than the Saturday-night-date Grayer.  He still seemed interested.  Maybe I'll see him next week.
2. I have a date on Saturday that I'm actually super excited about.  So excited about it that I'm actually concerned how excited I am.  This guy has the potential to be awesome and super cute, but he most likely will not be awesome and not cute at all.  So I just keep trying to remind myself that things could go awry.  And that's ok, but we are actually having dinner, which is a huge commitment in the online dating world.  Possible scenarios run through my head.  What if he's a Yankees fan?  What if he does live in him parents basement and owns an ant farm?  What if he does dungeons and dragons role playing?  What if he likes Justin Beiber? 
3. Remember my Stupid Smug Single friends?  Well guess who showed up as a visitor on OkCupid?  Flora, the Stupid Smug Single friend.  That hypocritical beeyotch.  Either she's decided maybe I was right and she wanted to give it a try, OR she just wanted to see my profile so she could be more judgmental/smug/stupid.  I don't even know how she found my profile (I don't go by my name, obviously) but if she just wanted to check it out just to judge me, that girl has something else coming to her.  Hint: it's not going to be a super cute date who may or may not love Justin Beiber.  Bitch. 

Smug...singles?!?

I am in a foul mood this evening.  I just spent 3 hours at work stewing about how pissed I was being at work on a Sunday.  When I wasn't stewing about work at work, I was stewing about the conversation I had today with my two single friends, Flora and May.   They really needed to know what I did last night, so I told them.  I met up with a guy for drinks.  A guy I met on OkCupid.  I had never told them about OkCupid before, but they're my single friends who both wish they dated more so why not tell them?  Wrong.  They were judgmental and unsupportive.  What is this 2004?!? Everybody tries online dating nowadays! Everybody! 

I think I've come across the first Smug Singles I've ever known (they don't deserve the Singleton label, as that is not how singletons behave).  Let me give you a snippet of our conversation (and since this is my narrative, please give the Smug singles a stupid whiney voice):
Smug Single: OkCupid? What? How does that work?
Grayer: Like Match.com, but free, etc, etc.  I met up a with a guy last night, and I'm going to meet up with another this week.
SS: To do what?
G: What do you mean to do what?! Get drinks, or coffee or whatever.
SS: You're not even going to get dinner out of it?!
G: No you don't want to first meet them for dinner.  Drinks are best because if they're awful you can leave after one rather then sit through a painful dinner.
SS: Oh. Well, yeah I guess if you know nothing about them.
G: Well you don't just get assigned to meet them, you message back and forth first.
SS: Really?! Who messaged first with the guy from last night?
G: He did.  I've gotten a lot of messages, I only respond to some.
SS: Really?! (the shock in their voices I found to be quite insulting)

I don't need to go on and on about this stupid conversation, in which I basically had to defend myself for online dating.   Clearly they know nothing about it.  Both however, know several people that have found long-term relationships online, so what's the big shock?  I'm not desperately looking for a boyfriend, I'm just sick of hanging out with them.  Especially when Flora makes the comment that her mother met her boyfriend on Match.com but that's ok for her "because at her age how else is she supposed to meet anyone."  Wait, sorry, what are trying to say about me?  Did you just compare me with your 60 year old mother?  You haven't gone on a date since I've known you!  They're not just Smug Singles, they're Stupid Smug Singles. 

Eventually they did ask me about the guy from last night.  I neglected to tell them he was 35 (it would make them think even less of OkC) but I told them the truth otherwise, I had a good time.  Such a good time, that I stayed with him for the evening rather than meeting them out later on.  The 35-year old (this has to be his name because I won't get over the fact that he's 35) was fun and the conversation had a great flow.  He doesn't necessarily look his age but he did date himself quite a bit (oh I don't know, by saying he graduated in '98...).  And yes, he bought the drinks.  We decided to meet up again sometime after work this week.  And as for the Stupid Smug Singles, I've decided not to tell them anything else about this, as I regret that I did in the first place.  Besides, why should I tell them when I can tell you all?

I got this

I've come to the realization that this blog has been kind of lame dating wise of late.  Violet has an ACTUAL BOYFRIEND, Fenella is too busy snogging the White Horse, and I've just been in a dry spell.  So for the sake of this WWBD? I've decided to get on OkCupid for your reading entertainment.  This is a purely selfless act, that has nothing to do with me being bored and missing hanging out/making out with boys.  Nope, nothing to do with that.

Luckily I already have an account to enable, I had a very brief stint on there back in late March. I met one guy, didn't think much of him, got busy and started seeing the Karaoke Kid so I disabled my account.  Time to try again.  Going pretty well so far. I love being new/recently updated.  It gets you a lot of attention.  Within an hour I had plans to meet up for drinks and to watch baseball tonight.  You should all be very proud of me for even considering this guy: he's 10 years older than me!  See? The things I do for WWBD?!  It totally goes against my cougar nature, but maybe he's rich and he'll buy me things.  That's something you can't get out of a 21 year old....

Let the adventures begin!

Social exhaustion

I had the most social weekend I've ever had in my life. I am exhausted.

On Friday, I had a date with the Karaoke Kid. I hardly had enough time to blog and take the shine off my face after work when he came to pick me. (When I told my roommate my plans she asked "Are you guys going to do it?" I replied, "No, I'm not showering.") It was a nice night so we decided to walk to the Square, 2 subway stops away. This turned out to be quite a marathon and he was getting nervous about it taking so long. Cute. 45 minutes later we arrive at the place he picked. A mexican restaurant with a long wait. Apparently he tried calling ahead but they don't take reservations. Cute. Since we could be seated right away if we sat outside, we went for it. We ate outside. At night. In April. In Boston. And I had a great time. The conversation was good, as were the margaritas. We went back to his place for a couple beers and sat around with his roommate. It made me realize how much a missed hanging out with boys. I love boys. The Karaoke Kid walked me home very late, I had to get up early after all, but I will be sure to see him again.

On Saturday I had to head back to school for a conference. After spending the day with some friends up there, I settled in for a evening with Conrad. Obviously, it was awesome of me to pick a new guy over him the night before, but I still wanted to hang out. It was strictly platonic and I even told him about the Karaoke kid (kind of). Hooray! We are no longer imaginarily exclusive! Hooray!

I left Conrad's on Sunday afternoon to meet The Wedding Singer for lunch. Sorry I forgot to announce this, but last week I decided to join OkCupid. I figured it was about time I actually tried to meet people, and figured I should do it while I have a reason to do it (i.e. I just moved here). I started talking to The Wedding Singer on Thursday and made plans to meet with him that night. He was seriously making me laugh out loud via messaging so I figured he deserved a shot. I had a nice lunch with him. He was very very interested in what I did for a living ("Seriously, will you come into my work and just talk about your work?") and also talked my ear off about his job and music career. It's cool that he's a wedding singer (among other things) but honestly, how long do we need to talk about your band, the history of your band, the drama in your band, etc., etc. All in all, he seems like a good, fun guy who would be cool to have as a friend (and handy as well, he teaches guitar lessons, my '09 resolution could come true afterall!), however, I was in no way attracted to him. I was getting a little bored with all the band business and I had plans for my final date of the weekend.

This "stop calling it a date" date was with the Mutual friend, who I haven't seen in two months or so. He has been living in Boston as well and I think there is one reason why I haven't seen him: his newish girlfriend (who he admits is time to end things with). Anyhow, we got food, got beer, went back to my place, talked, played trivia games, reminisced, etc., etc. Basically hung out for hours. I had a great evening, as he is great fun. And because the Mutual Friend is the one boy that will always only be strictly platonic with, it wasn't even awkward when he pulled a pair of underwear out of my overflowing drawer to make fun of my disastrous room ("Oh, I like these!). Nor was it awkward when my slut of a roommate started having loud sex at 9 pm while we sat in my living room, trying to hold a conversation (oh, roommates). He actually made the situation quite amusing. I love that kid. I love boys. And I didn't realize how much I missed them until this weekend.

We failed the Chemistry Test

I had my first OkCupid date yesterday afternoon. It was a simple afternoon coffee date, designed to be short and therefore less awkward. That way you don't have to worry if it's not going splendidly, in just a short time, someone has to get back to work.

This date was with The Shaman, a slightly elder (by 8 years) called The Shaman because of his desire to do some shaman work in South America. (Hence is interest in me, since I lived in his country of interest.) He also told me that he's just wrapping up a book on spiritual enlightenment, and while being a shaman (holistic healing using herbs and campfires or something or another) and writing books on spirituality aren't really my thing, I said yes because this is the Year of Yes, remember?

We agreed to meet at the park, and I didn't really see anyone matching his profile photo when I spotted a guy in all leather (in March! on a 70 degree day!) checking out his reflection in his car window, and slicking back the sides of his hair with a comb (a comb!) ala Danny Zuko. "Oh dear God," I thought to myself. "If Danny Zuko is The Shaman I am running away right now, and he'll never have to know I was here." Luckily, Danny Zuko walked away without pause, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. The The Shaman walked around the corner. First impressions: His profile picture is obviously a few years old. He has a lot more gray hair. And, he's short. Shorter than me.

OK, I know that this is the year of yes, and I am trying, really, really trying to be open-minded. But when I realize that a guy is shorter than me, it's a huge turnoff. And I was wearing flats. Just think if I had worn heels! And while we had a decent conversation and he did pass the pay for your date test (no, I'm not old-fashioned, but if a boy asks a girl out, he should pay for her. It works both ways. If a girl asks a boy out, she should pay for him.), there was zero romantic chemistry. I also found out that besides writing, he is also a life coach. And I think being a life coach is a sham of a profession, and I can't really get behind that.

Luckily, he emailed me later on and said that while it was nice meeting me, he realizes there wasn't any spark. Whew. Saves me the trouble. However, he then told me he was also thinking of writing a book on relationships, and would really like to get my opinion on him. Was there a certain moment when I knew there was no spark? What am I supposed to say? When I found out you were a Liliputian? I haven't answered him yet, and I'm pretty sure when I do that it won't be of much help to him. It just wasn't, you know, there.

So I'll turn my attention to my other suitors. There's Papa Smurf, whose random details were great (example: "I once threw a piece of gum into a trash can from like, 20 yards." This makes me laugh. Am I crazy?) and The Cable Guy, who shows the most promise (and who has my number, and he better use it, damnit!) and the Ham Sandwich Guy is still lurking, but we seem to be getting nowhere fast. But I'm just happy to get that first date out of the way.

Ok, Cupid. Work your magic...

I finally caved. I joined the world of online dating. (Or as one young chap I was chatting with the other day called it, "the place pretty girls go to lose faith in humanity.") Instead of going with the more notable eharmony or match.com, I opted for OkCupid, for one simple reason: it's free. I figured, what have I got to lose? Besides my dignity, of course. I really don't expect to meet Mr. Right with this thing, but Mr. Right Now will work. Besides, I need to start pulling my weight on this blog.

Thus far, I haven't had to initiate any contact, but as Scarlet tells me, you get a lot of attention when you first join, then it will supposedly die down. I need some friendly advice for a few situations.

The Tennis Ace sent me an email message with the simple question: "Do you play tennis?" That's it, nothing more. So I replied with, "Not very well, but yes, I do." I like playing tennis, but I never get to play for the very obvious factor that I need someone to play with. So finding anyone willing and able to stand on the opposite side of the court to hit the ball back is a good thing. He responded back with, "Well, that's a start. I would love to take you out sometime." Wait, what? I was expecting a 'let's hit the court' or something along those lines. Is playing tennis a prerequisite? I'm confused. Should I ignore his request? Suggest we meet for a friendly game? A little help, please.

Another guy sent me a mesage that started out with a joke about a guy being a teepee and a wigwam (because he's too tents, get it?) and declared this the reason we need to be friends (I mentioned that I like to laugh in my profile). I found this a bit lame, but after going to his profile, I found a mention of the smurfs, and I am a child of the 80s who loves the smurfs, and maybe I should give the bad joke a pass?

I was matched up with a guy who copied and pasted the wikipedia article for ham sandwich in order to complete all 500 characters in his profile (because OkC likes to harrass you about not completing your profile). This made me laugh out loud. I'm thinking of sending him a message telling him he had me at ham sandwich.

This afternoon I signed on simply to check that particular email, when I found myself chatting with three different men. (One of whom I had a promising conversation with on Monday.) A fourth one popped up, but I dismissed him due to his age. He's 19. I know I said I wouldn't turn down dates due to silly biases, but 19! A child. He can't even take me out for a drink. Federal law mandates that I turn him down.