Help! I need somebody

I've had a weird day.  A very weird day.

It has finally happened.  I've finally seen someone I know on OkCupid.  A guy I know from my volleyball meetup group (which has hundreds of people in it, he's an organizer), sent me a message this morning.  He didn't realize who I was.  And while the message was very clever and I would probably have responded, I can't, because I want to play volleyball again someday without it being wicked awkward.  I'm slightly mortified by this experience.  Also, I must really look like hell when playing beach volleyball.

I was out to lunch for a coworker's last day, when my innocent Chinese colleague (who this past weekend I took to a bar for his first time ever and got him drunk off a half a beer) asked what it felt like to get high.  My boss replied, "I wouldn't know, I've never done marijuana."  So my colleague just kept asking me what it feels like.  Note: You don't ask someone about illegal drug use while in front of your boss!  Isn't that written in the employee manual or something?  After the longest 30 seconds of my life, I just shrugged and said "Google it."

Here's the kicker.  After returning from lunch, I get on Facebook to find a random ass message from Jonny Fucking Damon.  It's been a long time since his last Facebook message, but oh, how I remember it.  This time around he said, "Hey. Random, I know, but you just popped up in my head. How are you? Have a good summer?"  Which leads me to ask aloud, What the Fuck?  What the hell does he want?  Why is he doing this?  Why did he put a "." after Hey when it clearly should have been a "!" or ","

But seriously, WHY DO THEY DO THIS?!  Pop up out of no where, wondering how you've been!  Mind your business, assholes!  I was doing quite well without you wondering how I was, thank you.  Now I'm going to think about you the rest of the afternoon while trying to resist answering your message.  Damn my curiosity. I need to know what you want.  Must...Answer...  I waited three whole hours before responding with a brief "I'm doing well, sad summer's over, did you get a teaching job?" type message.  But I just kept thinking, what the fuck does Jonny fucking Damon want?  Why now? Ugh.

He responded shortly there after, giving me a life update with questions about myself thrown in, and ended with this,  "Mr. D-bag (me) still has your movie, what would you say to a drink, so I can deliver it to you finally?"   What the hell are you up to, Jonny fucking Damon?!  Yes, you still have my fucking movie.  You said you'd get it back to me 20 times since I left it at your house.  But why do you suddenly have a guilty conscience about it 8 months later?  What are you after?!

Would someone please tell me how to respond?  Seriously, tell me what to do.  I'm curious as to what the hell he wants but I don't know if seeing him would be a good thing.  I also don't think it will actually happen as he promised to get it to me so many times before.  I would like it back, not because I can't find it for 10 bucks at Wal-mart, but it's the principle that matters now.  What would he do if there wasn't a movie involved? Would he still be asking me for drinks?  I'm so curious!  Any advice will help.  Pleeeeease!

Muhaha

The internet that we've been stealing in our apartment has suddenly disappeared, leaving me offline and bored, but I'm blogging from work to tell you this one thing.  I was out on Saturday night drinking a whole lot of beers with some boys, and guess who drunk texts me.  Jonny Fucking Damon.  That's right he texted me! 

The content of the text was of no consequence, but this tells us something.  You see, there is only one reason why a boy who ended things a month ago, who has barely contacted me since, would text me while drunk at 1:30 am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, and that reason is this:

He's not getting any.

And this makes me happy.  Oh, oh so happy.  Cue: evil satisfied laugh.

Let's be rational

So now that I'm no longer in a (slightly) drunken rage, it would be a good time to re-evaluate the Fuckwittage of Jonny Damon.  It's been a week, and fear not friends, I'm ok.  Sure I still think about it, and yeah I still get kinda bummed at times, and no, I haven't really eaten much at all this week, and yeah I have gotten drunk a few times,  but I am OK.  For real.  I've already made some crucial steps that tell me I may not be over it, but I am over him (or at least I'm well on my way).    

• Unfriended on Facebook. After I deleted his fuckwitting Facebook message, I unfriended him.  Not because I hate him, but I don't want him showing up on my newsfeed every other day.  I particularly don't want to see that he's "In a relationship" next week and although that would seem fast,  if there's something we've learned from fuckwitts it's to never underestimate their inherent fuckwitting ability (yes, you can quote me on that).
• Figured out what actually happened.  In his final message he made a lot of "I" statements ('I just can't do this right now') but what he was really saying was "I'm just not that into you".  It had nothing to do with timing or whatever the hell else he blamed it on.  He's just not that into me, plain and simple.  And the thing is, that's ok.  I know I'm not the average girl, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, I get it and I'm ok with it.  
• Having the fantasy.  No, not that he'll suddenly change his mind and declare his love.   The other fantasy that every girl has.  Running into the man that wronged her several months later.  I, of course, will look glamorous, skinnier, prettier, and happier than ever, with a taller, darker, handsomer (not to mention better endowed and fuller hair) man by my side.  He will look like he lost a little weight (due to the perpetual diarrhea I cursed him with) but his hairline will have receded and there's sadness in his eyes as we have a polite conversation in which he regrets ever saying goodbye.  (In reality, in the slim chance I ever would run into him I would, of course, be wearing sweats, with crazy unwashed hair, eating a doughnut all alone.  Life never happens the way I want it to).     
• Giving the silent treatment.  I've been drunk a few times this week (for good reasons, I swear) and I haven't drunk texted/called him once! Hoorah!  I did hear from him the other day, "Hey Grayer, I know you probably don't want to hear from me but can I have your address, so I can send you your movie."  Well yeah, you better send me my movie and shut the hell up, I'll decide if I want to hear from you or not.  Ass.  I told him to stop being so dramatic (and also stop assuming I'm sulking/hating).  As for that dvd, I'll believe it when I see it. 
• The realization.  I've realized why I'm disappointed.   It's not him.  He's just made me realize in this whole crazy ordeal that I might actually want an actual boyfriend.  There I said it.  I didn't get on OkCupid to find a boyfriend, I got on OkCupid to date (and to save this blog).  But maybe I don't want to just date, maybe I just don't want to be alone anymore.  That's a big revelation.  Although I would have gladly called that kid my boyfriend (he's still really, really cute) I'm glad it didn't come to that, it could have taken me months to figure out that he was a fuckwit.  And he is, by all means, a fuckwit.  

The return of Fuckwittage

(Disclaimer: Not going to lie, I basically drank a bottle of wine as my dinner tonight, for good reason. However, if the dropping of F-bombs as if it were World War III, offends you, you needn't read this post).

Mother. Fucker.

It's my word of the day.  Go on, say it aloud.  It will make you feel better.  It's really the only thing you can say when dealing with first class fuckwittage.   I had a Facebook message from Jonny Damon this morning.  He never sends me messages.  Mother. Fucker.  Jonny Damon was breaking up with me via a Fucking Facebook message.  Mother. Fucker. 

We'd only been dating for a month and a half, maybe it wasn't that bad of a protocol to end it that way.  But wait, let me explain.  An hour after I left his house, he sent me a fucking facebook message to end things with me. Two hours after he made me breakfast and kissed me goodbye, he sent me a fucking facebook message to end things with me.  Three hours after we woke up and laid in bed talking, 12 hours after we had sex, 14 hours after we snuggled on the couch watching a Christmas movie, he fucking sent me a fucking facebook message to end things with me.  What. the. fuck.

You know the great thing about being dumped via Fucking Facebook? You get to reread the message several times, have all those feelings over again, and then copy and paste into a blog meant to bash the fuckwit.  The subject line is "Hi" because really, what else could it be?  

Grayer,

I know this is not the best way to handle this situation, but  I've had a lot of fun with you and think you are an amazing person, but I don't want to hurt you if things get more serious; which I feel is starting to happen.  I just don't think that it is the best thing for me right now. I hate having to do this, but I've been in situations where I would have rather somebody told me earlier than to keep something going that wasn't meant to be. No matter what I write I know you will hate this and probably hate me, and I am sorry, but I just don't think I can do this right now. I'll miss you Grayer and I hope you have a great Christmas with your family.

Jonny Damon

See?  Isn't he an asshole?  Ok, maybe he doesn't exactly sound like an asshole out of context but please remember that I had just been with him an hour earlier, and he said nothing.  Everything was fine and fucking dandy.  So that's why the first and foremost feeling I was having was fucking rage.  And really just wanted to send this back.

Subject:  Hi? Asshole.

Jonny Damon,

Fuck you.  You MotherFucker.  Why couldn't you grow a pair and tell this to my face? I was just with you. Think of all the moments that you could have brought this up.  You had no problem being around me.  You had no problem sleeping with me.  You're a dick.  You're starting to feel like this is getting serious?  I see you once a week!  You're the one that invited me to a fucking wedding and introduced me to friends! And don't say you just can't do this right now, because you knew exactly what you were doing.  And, you had to do this on the one time that I ever left something at your house.  I want my fucking dvd back.  If your plan was to make me so mad that I wouldn't be sad, congratulations, you did it.  May you be cursed with bad karma and perpetual diarrhea.

Grayer

No, I didn't send this.  I just sat staring.  Tried to do work, just kept staring.  I eventually texted him.  It was cool, it was casual, it was "Seriously? You couldn't have told me that this morning?"  Ok, it may have also eluded to his lack of balls.  We had a brief conversation in which he apologized profusely, said he was awful at confrontation, felt bad for me driving to his place, yada fucking yada.  After I stopped being so pissed about it (ok, I'm still kind of/really pissed about it),  I just kind of had to laugh.  Who the fuck gets dumped via a fucking facebook message.  The subject was 'Hi' for fuck's sake.   I was just starting my day at work and I get dumped.  Via Fucking Facebook.  At least he didn't post it on my wall...

Once I chilled out a bit I sent him a final message:  "I don't disagree with what you said.  I disagree with how you said it.  Don't be that guy.  You could have told me."  I was very proud of myself for being so eloquent.  I didn't ask him why, I didn't try to change his mind.  He did the right thing, I just didn't like the way he did it.  When it comes down to it, once I stopped being so pissed, I'm really just sad.  I liked him.  I liked him a lot, and clearly he did not feel the same way.  And that sucks.  He sucks.  Dating fucking sucks.  Mother. Fucker.

Moving right along

I know you've been wondering, what ever happened to that Jonny Damon chap?  Well, let me tell you friends.  I'm still seeing him, he's still awesome, and he is still soooooo cuuuute.  Things are moving right along. 

• After our 3rd date I was getting concerned by our PG rating.  Sure, kissing is fun, but what does a girl have to do to get some roaming hands action?! I had wasted time sexfoliating for nothing.  Cue clever comment, "Yeah, but I'm only trying to get into your pants", which thanks to my fluent sarcasm, he doesn't know if I'm being serious or not.  (Hint: I was being serious.  And it worked).  Let me tell you, if you think he looks cute in broad daylight, you should see how hot he looks when he's on top of me, with minimal lighting and ruffled hair.  Mmmmmmm.  
• He asked me to go to a wedding with him.  A wedding that's a month away!! Cue the silent panicking.  Ok, so yes, I'm a commitment phobe and no, I do not like to make plans with a boy in that far of advance.  But he needed to know if he should RSVP for one or two and he just kept looking at me with beautiful blue eyes while I silently freaked out but he was still looking at me with those damn eyes so I said I would.  I feel like this is a big deal.   Isn't it a big deal?  The wedding is an hour away, it has an open bar, and I have since found out that we're staying at the hotel that night (in our own room).  Isn't this a big deal??  I asked some friends, one of which responded, "So what? Do you want him to go with someone else?"  No.  I do not want that.  I figure that if we're not seeing each other in a month, it will be his problem not mine.  And if we are seeing each other in a month, then I get to get drunk for free and get in his pants.  Score.
• I met a couple of his friends the other night.  Luckily only two, as I tend to get very quiet when meeting a large group of people.  But they were really good friends of his, one of which is a girl (the long time girlfriend of his long time best friend/roommate).  I was nervous to meet the girl, because I am a girl and I know how girls can be.  They tend to be very picky about the girls their guy friends date.  They don't just judge her by her personality but also her clothes and hair and whatever else she can possibly judge.  All we went though.  They were both cool, funny, and Jonny Damon didn't act any differently in front of them.  The girl even friended me on Facebook almost immediately.  I guess that means she doesn't hate me.  Win.
• Last night I spent the night at his house.  This is the first time we've seen each other on a weekday, and I have to say, I liked it.  This morning he made me breakfast, and even though he dropped the toast on the floor, it was still an excellent start to a very long drive home for the holiday.  In those 7 hours I didn't think to brush my hair.  In the first 7 minutes I was home, my mother comments on the "rats nest" that is in my hair. That's what you get for getting in somebody's pants.  

How 'bout them apples

On Sunday I got a VIP tour of an apple orchard for my second date with the ever adorable Jonny Damon.  It was a great day to be outside, walk around the orchard/Christmas tree farm, eat apples right off the tree, and meet his family.  What the what?! you say?  Yep, I met his aunt and uncle, who own the orchard.  I met them for far longer then he intended.  I got a tour of their farmhouse and barn.  I even got to look through the cool old family stuff they had just pulled out of the attic.  I even got introduced as "My nephew Jonny Damon and his...fr...frrrriend???, Grayer."  (This made us look at each other and laugh).  I even got a free bag of apples (score!).  This premature meeting of the family didn't bother me.  JD's aunt and uncle are kind of awesome.  When we got back in the car I asked if we should just go meet his parents while we're at it.  "I like to save that for the third date" he says with a killer smile, looking at me for far to long to be safely driving.  Swoon.  Did I mention how cute he is?  Sooooo cuuuute. 

After the orchard we went back to his place.  It was Sunday after all, and that's Patriots day.  Of course, I was cool enough not to mind if we watched football all afternoon, because I really don't mind watching football.  But what really impressed him is my (limited) knowledge of the team.  Thanks, free subway paper that rarely covers anything other than Boston sports!  Although we watched the game, I honestly feel like he was paying more attention to me than the tv.  At half time we flipped to HGTV.  For dinner, he made me mac & cheese and Totino's pizza rolls and then we watched several episodes of Are You Afraid of the Dark?.  It's like he knows just what to do to impress me. 

I stayed pretty late that night, making it possibly one of the longest dates ever.  He had a pretty bad cold so getting a little cozy under his Patriots blanket was all that happened (although he did ask if I wanted to makeout right after every particularly phlegmy cough).  But when he walked me to my car I really wanted to kiss him.  So I did.  And when I'm calling in sick with a bad cold later this week, I still won't regret it. 

Happy Halloween

Yesterday I went on a costume pub crawl.  It started at 1 pm.  Do you know how many people are dressed up for Halloween at 1 pm? No one.  Do you know how many people stared at/talked about me, in full costume, as I rode the subway alone at 1 pm?  Everyone.  Everyone stared at the zombie schoolgirl smeared in fake blood.  An Asian tourist took a picture of me.  One guy even asked me if I was ok, and I don't think he was joking. 

The costume crawl was a blast.  It's always fun to see guys in costumes, and then girls in slutty versions of those costumes.  My friends and I decided Halloween may be the easiest night of the year to meet someone.  You have an instant icebreaker when you go to caress that chicken, feel that guys grapes or punch a muppet in the head, just to see if he feels it.  Yep, those are all effective icebreakers.

Today I'm going to Jonny Damon's house and then we're going to an apple orchard that his family owns.  Isn't that the cutest date ever?! If only this fake blood would come off...

You had me at HGTV.

I need to gush about my most recent date to someone.  That someone is you. 

On Saturday I went out with Jonny Damon, not the real Johnny Damon (that would be craaaazy), but a guy who I will be calling Jonny Damon for several reasons.  1. Red Sox fan (JD played for the Sox) 2. Beard (in all it's glory) 3. Wicked cute (women would probably be wearing his face on tshirts).

I had high hopes for Jonny Damon.  So high that I was really excited/nervous about our first meeting.  He doesn't live in the city so I met him halfway for dinner.  Yes, dinner for our first meeting, very risky.  But I had a good feeling about JD, and I also had to drive 15 minutes so yeah, I was going to eat dinner.  Firstly, let me tell you how cute he is.  He is sooooo cuuuuuute.  Light brown hair, blue eyes, well trimmed beard.  He is fun to look at.  I almost question if he is too hot for me (but then I remember I am awesome).

Secondly, let me tell you how cool he is.  He's freaking awesome.  He's funny and he thinks I'm funny, which is extremely important to me.  He has a degree in elementary education and wants to teach the second grade (how cute is that?).  Until he finds a teaching job he's been doing carpentry (how hot is that?).  We have a lot in common.  He appreciates 90s Nickelodeon tv just as much, if not more than I do (he owns all episodes of Salute your Shorts and Are you afraid of the Dark?!).   He loves doing home renovations and watches a lot of HGTV (I can not be torn away from renovation/home shows on HGTV!).   He collects sea glass (I just went to a sea glass festival!).  I could go on and on. 

We met for dinner at 7:30, it was packed.  We left around midnight, it was completely deserted.  So yes, I think it's safe to say it went pretty well.  I think we made plans for 4 possible dates in the future.  Things we really want to do but no one else wants to do with us (like horror movies and brewery tours).  I can't get to excited about that yet, one day at a time right?  He texted me today, just to tell me he had a great time on Saturday and that he hopes he can see me this weekend.  This made me ridiculously happy.  Boy, you can see me anytime you want.  Did I mention how cute he is? He's soooo cuuuute.

In the meantime, I not going to turn off OkCupid.  As Violet put it, "In dating, you can't put all your eggs in one basket."  But me liking Jonny Damon so much really made me question if I should see the 35 year old again.  Which I guess I should.  Jonny Damon after all will probably have a date this week so why shouldn't I?