Good Vibrations

Porn store. Sex shop. Adult gift store. Novelty gift shop. Whatever you want to call them, I've been to two in the last two days, as well as trolled several of their websites.

Have I decided to replace the Dark Horse with a battery-operated version? Maybe. But that wasn't my initial reason for frequenting stores of the over-18 variety.

Grayer's and my mother is a breast cancer survivor, and Christmas is the 5-year anniversary of her last chemo treatment. (Can I get a w0000000t! ?) We thought it would be awfully sweet of us to bake her a cake. A booby cake. And where can you find a booby cake pan? Adult gift stores.

I started my quest in a part of the city notorious for strip clubs and novelty shops. In fact, my first stop was only a few doors down from the strip club where a B-list celebrity recently met and started an affair with a local stripper. That's what she said, anyway. I walked in, took a look at the entire wall of vibrators and dildos, and went to the counter to ask for some help. The clerk took me to where the booby cake pans usually are. That's right, they were SOLD OUT. "We do have plenty of booties or penis's," she told me helpfully. Somehow, I don't think my mom would appreciate that as much...

I figured since I was there, I may as well take a look around. I needed a gag gift for a white elephant gift exchange anyway. I'm willing to say that at least 70% of the store was made up of vibrators and dildos. (That is not including the back of the store, which appeared to be made up entirely of DVDs.) Apparently there is a lot of money in the pursuit of the female orgasm. A lot of those vibrators were rabbit shaped. Why? I'm not entirely sure. I've heard of the Rabbit Pearl, featured on an episode of Sex and the City, and said to be the Rolls Royce of vibrators. But the other rabbit vibrators just kind of looked like rodents. I can't really imagine wanting to put something rodent-shaped into my vag.

Other things learned:
1. Water-proof is a very important feature.
2. Vibrators run the price range from $10-$120. Kind of made me curious to know what a $120 vibrator can do for you.
3. They also come in all shapes and sizes, from finger vibrators, to vibrators so large I'm sure only the Samantha Jones's of the world can use them.

All in all, my first trip to the sex shop was really not so bad. I wasn't constantly looking over my shoulder nervously, and the store was pretty much as non-sketch as it gets. Especially compared to the ones around it, which I declined to go into, since I was pretty sure I would be raped if I did. (They're the definition of seedy.)

This afternoon, I went to another location to find my booby cake pan. I found it immediately. The sales clerk told me to "come again." Maybe I will.