Old Grayer

I had a talk with Conrad yesterday. Instead of blogging and facing my feelings, I chose to pick up a six pack on the way home. By the time my roommate got home, I was 3 beers deep, in a great mood and had an excellent quiche waiting for her.

The reason for me to not want to feel feelings? Conrad was hanging out with another girl last night. Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. We are not, nor have we ever been, more than friends (Though we did got through an imaginary relationship period). We haven't even been friends with benefits in quite sometime. However, me being the crazy that I am, I overreacted (It's not so much stress right now. I blame this episode on PMS).

It seemed to me like Conrad had been acting shady. He usually tells me everything, even things that don't pertain to me or that I don't even want to know. But this past week, I've had to ask for information. This led me to think he's trying to avoid telling me something. He had just told me he had no plans for the weekend when I asked him if he wanted to get pizza. "I can't I have plans." What? You just said you didn't have any plans. After further questioning, he reluctantly told me he was doing something or other with a girl in his class. I had suspected something like this. Honestly it wasn't that he was doing it, it was that he seemed to be trying not to tell me about it.

So I told him that if he was hanging out with other girls, I wished that he would tell me. (Yeah, I can't believe I said that either). He didn't like that much at all. Obviously he doesn't have to tell me anything. I back tracked and tried to explain myself and we came to discussing our strange relationship.

"I think you're an amazing friend Grayer, you're the best friend I have here. But, I felt that the benefits part was going down a road I don't like for one, I don't know, I kept getting the vibe of something more. I just think the friends with benefits thing, with you, causes a volatile situation."

A volatile situation? Ok, why do guys always assume a girl wants something more. It's insulting. Yes, we went through a phase where we were basically dating. I can see how that could have freaked him out. Then I turned into a crazy stressed-the-F-out grad student trying to write a thesis. Again, I can see how that freaked him out. When things started changing I didn't handle it so well. I started acting like a girl. I swear, I used to be cool. I used to be laid-back. I used to let things happen as they may. I miss that Grayer. This Grayer is just annoying ('I KNOW! Bring the old Grayer back! NOW!' says Conrad).

Benefits aside, our friendship has changed. "Obviously it's changed. We crossed a line. We hit some bumps. But we're still great friends. We just have to go with the flow." I used to go with the flow. I felt better after talking to him. It didn't bother me that he was hanging out with another girl, but at the same time, I didn't want to sit home and think about him hanging out with another girl. I needed to do something fun, something the old Grayer would do. So, I called Hanging Out Guy. If there's one thing that HOG is good at, it's getting drunk. Since I was already halfway there, I had a good night with him and a couple of his friends. A really good night, which ended with me making out with one of HOG's friends....and HOG. Oops. At least I wasn't thinking about Conrad. Yay for old Grayer!