It has been about a month since things with MM officially ended and well over a month since our last date. I'm doing a little better. I still miss MM but I've accepted that it is over. That doesn't mean I don't think about him and wish that I could talk to him.
I realized that MM was damaged goods when I met him and, until he gets over his past, he isn't going to be able to have a successful relationship with me or anyone else. He was right; he does need to be alone right now. I know that the whole "It's not you, it's me" excuse is usually just a line, but in MM's case it really was HIM. (For the record he didn't actually use that line.) I've gone over and over it in my head and even at the end he was still into me. Just not enough to be ready for a real relationship. (When he told me he didn't think we should see each other anymore because I wanted more than he could give me, he jokingly told me when we hung out he would just have to settle for undressing me with his eyes. Later when I was upset, he said that it was hard for him not to try to comfort me.) Like Violet said, sometimes the timing just isn't right. The realization that there was nothing I could have done differently was somewhat liberating. His rejection was not an insult to my awesomeness. It was just proof that, at least right now, he isn't worthy of me.
Last weekend I went out for dinner with the Accidental Date Guy. I'm fairly certain it was not a date this time; however, he did pay for my dinner. I have to admit that was kind of nice. I really enjoy the Accidental Date Guy's company. It really is unfortunate that he is leaving in a couple of weeks but at least this ensures that I won't accidentally date him again.
When the Accidental Date Guy called me and asked if I wanted to do dinner with some meetup people this week, I was happy to hear from him. The Accidental Date Guy and MM don't really know each other that well, so I was surprised to see MM there. This meeting wasn't nearly as awkward as the last. Actually, I was kind of happy to see him and catch up. I'm fairly certain that MM felt the same way and was relieved that I didn't give him the cold shoulder. I was a little worried that seeing him would result in a relapse, but after seeing him I felt more confident that I need to move on. I'm healing or at least I thought so.
Today I was looking at match.com again and a saw quite a few new guys with potential. I think the holiday season and new years resolutions tend to inspire people to be more proactive and/or get over their fear of online dating. It was enough for me to seriously consider joining again. I even edited my profile a little more in preparation. When I remembered that updating my profile automatically unhides it, I thought "well it wouldn't hurt to see if I get some interest before I pay for a membership." (You can see if someone winks at you or emails you. You just can't read the email or see who emailed you.) So I walked away from my computer feeling v. proud of myself.
When I returned I already had a wink and a message. Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, I felt utterly panicked. I immediately hid my profile before I elicited someone else's interest. I'm not sure I even understand why. Is it that I'm not ready to start dating or am I afraid to get hurt again? This is completely new to me. I've never had my heart broken before. Honestly, when things ended with other guys, I barely even cared. I can't even remember crying over the other guys. I'm realizing that even once I'm over MM, there are going to be some residual effects.
I guess this is the "baggage" I've heard so much about. (Gotta say, I could have done without it!) So here is my question for you, do I push past the fear and panic and brave the world of online dating once again (OK for the third time) or do I give myself more time to heal? Would it be a bad idea to try to date now when I'm not sure I'm going to be, as the DH put it, "emotionally available"?
1 comment:
Men work in cycles. After they get out of a relationship, they need x amount of time to be alone, and that x equals a lot more time than we need. No matter how much he may like you, no matter how awesome you are, they will stubbornly maintain their bachelor status until they are good and ready to give it up. You may think that goes against everything He's Just Not That Into You has taught us, but not really. We still need to recognize this, move on, and don't take it personally.
As far as you're concerned, Scarlet, if you're panicking because someone winked at you, don't rush it. I mean, if men can do it, so can you. Take some time, enjoy your holidays, hang out with friends, and maybe go out and practice your flirting skills in real life.
And by the way, what do you mean, "at least right now, he isn't worthy of me." The Scarlet train has pulled out of the MM station, m'dear, and there is no catching another one!
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