I will not...
- Waste money on: pasta makers, ice-cream machines or other culinary devices which will never use; books by unreadable literary authors to put impressively on shelves; exotic underwear, since pointless as have no boyfriend.
- Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching.
- Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.
- Get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.
- Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of character.
- Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. as best way to obtain boyfriend.
I will...
- Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week.
- Reduce circumference of thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 1 1/2 inches each), using anticellulite diet.
- Give all clothes which have not worn for two years or more to homeless.
- Be more confident.
- Be more assertive.
- Not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music.
- Go to the gym three times a week not merely to buy a sandwich.
- Make compilation "mood" tapes so can have tapes ready with all favorite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembled instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over floor.
- Form functional relationship with responsible adult.
OK so I like them all and found it difficult to narrow down my list of favorites.
4 comments:
I'm not sure I believe in New Year's Resolution but this year i resolve to:
-Graduate (Woot!)
-Learn to play the guitar..only partly to to pick up men (..or does that only work with ladies?)
-Make new friends outside of work
-Not have any imaginary relationships
I will...
-get a job. A real one, with health insurance. (Preferably in the first two months of the year.)
-buy new underwear, as has been so long since anyone saw my underwear, it is probably all out of style
-find a way to tame the frizzies in my hair
-say yes to all date offers, no matter what my initial opinion of the offerer
I will not..
-have any imaginary boyfriend, but instead form a functional, two-sided relationship with a real member of the opposite sex (therefore having a purpose for the new knickers)
-Spend hours analyzing the body language and the "hidden meaning" in the words spoken by eligible bachelors with Scarlet, but instead find various other topics to spend hours talking about, like, um... politics?
-not get angry with mum when she asks me stupid questions like, "Have you changed your sheets lately?" as if I am an 8-year old incapable of taking care of myself, but instead use it as an opportunity to find my inner zen-like qualities
-judge eligible bachelors by the number of tattoos or holes in their bodies, academic credentials, political beliefs, or their baseball team of choice, but rather be open and simply grit my teeth while they list all the reasons why Derek Jeter is a "true Yankee."
I will not…
- Sulk about having nothing to do, but instead make more friends in my local area so that my social schedule is full.
- Let my singleton status prevent me from going on a proper holiday.
- Accept male fuckwittage silently, but instead address fuckwittage in a mature and composed manner.
- Have unrealistic expectations about men.
- Have a tantrum when my father indicates that I am to blame for my singleton status, but rather discuss the topic like a mature adult. Representing the rights of all singletons!
- Settle on a man simply get my father to stop complaining about how he will never have grandchildren.
I will…
- Go on a second date.
- Form a stable relationship with a male of the non-fuckwit variety in which it will not be necessary to constantly consult Violet on what the respective male may be thinking. (However, I expect consultations will be necessary prior to establishing this stable relationship.)
- Actively pursue new job opportunities in which I will not dread going to work everyday.
- Be happy for my non-singleton friends but not hesitate to object to smug singleton comments from friends and family.
Correction, my last New Years resolution should read as follows:
I will be happy for my non-singleton friends but not hesitate to object to smug married comments from friends and family.
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