So, are you seeing anyone?

Let's discuss the collective Singleton's single greatest nemesis. It is not the fuckwit boyfriend. Not the commitment phobic egotist. Not the heart wrenching Imaginary boyfriend, disgusting PDA or utterly pathetic Valentine's Day. It is perhaps, a very old friend, a close colleague, or a sister. It is the dreaded, annoyingly "happy", Smug Married.

For clarification, the Smug Married does not have to wear a ring. This just refers to a person who is in a long-term relationship, who believes everyone needs a relationship to be happy. I am friends with these people, however, I despise these people. If a couple of my friends ask me one more time, why I don't have a boyfriend, I will literally punch them in the mouth. If they feel the need to explain to me how they really need to see their long distance significant, because "people in relationships like to see each other," I may have to stab them with a pencil. Just because I'm not in a relationship doesn't mean I don't know what one is, idiot.
Their are two types of Smug Marrieds, the ones that feel sorry for you, and the ones that want to live vicariously through you. (I seem to have a knack for categorizing). But no matter the type, all smug marrieds are the same. They all find themselves in superior status, of having someone to share life with. (Until they receive the divorce papers)

1. The Pitiers- These Smug Marrieds, can not understand how you can survive day to day, utterly and pathetically alone. While catching up with your lives, the first and only thing they will ask you, is if you're seeing anyone. If not, they quickly lose interest, have a hard time making conversation, as if you have nothing in common. Fear of the unknown drives them away, as if singledom is a contagious disease. They may suggest ideas such as internet dating, a single's dance at the firehall, they're great-aunts ex-son-in-law who just got out of prison, anything to save you from this treacherous doom. They can probably only hear your biological clock ticking as you tell them of a new nephew, a big promotion...a sex change. But what else matters if you don't have a boyfriend?
   
2. Vicarious Vultures- This group is interesting. They claim they are ridiculously happy in their 7 year relationship (going nowhere), yet they fill they're fantasies by hearing about yours. (This is considerably more sad when you consider how, like me, you're seeing very little action these days). They ask you how your love life is, because they lack the excitement in their own. They want to hear every detail of a random hookup, a steamy makeout session, an innocent flirtation because they can not go through it themselves. They confide in you, that sometimes they wish they were single, and then they get engaged two weeks later. But living through you makes it ok, makes them feel like they were young and wild, even if they only ever watch TV with the "loves of their lives." Basically, they look to you to slut it up, for they are otherwise unable to.

Do not let these fools bring you down. No relationships are required to be happy, to have fun, to lead a fulfilled life. I would much rather be alone, than to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. If only everyone was as brilliantly insightful as me...