Almost Lover, or The Curse of the Imaginary Boyfriend

I just had a lengthy phone conversation with my ex-imaginary boyfriend. I say ex because we have long since established "just friends" boundaries with our relationship.

Ladies, listen up. Imaginary boyfriends are the worst kind. There is never going to be a happy ending with an imaginary boyfriend. If he wanted to be your real boyfriend, you would both know it. He may seem like The One, or Mr. Right, The Perfect Guy, or even The Bad Boy that you want to fix (Ha! Who are you kidding?) but underneath his devilishly handsome exterior are some serious issues. Imaginary boyfriends are great friends. That's how it all starts. But they are terrible boyfriends. They don't know how to be a boyfriend. Hence the imaginary. Run. Run fast.

Getting over an imaginary boyfriend is way worse than getting over a real one. I should know. I was in a real, factual, serious relationship for about a million years. Okay, it was more like 4+, but looking back, it feels like a million years. And when it was over (my idea, in case you were wondering), what did I do? Did I cry on the shoulders of my best friends, Ben & Jerry? Did I sit alone, in my darkened apartment in pajamas, eating nothing but raw cookie dough? Absolutely not. I moved on.

And who did I move on to? That's right, the Imaginary Boyfriend. I was in a pseudo-relationship with the Imaginary Boyfriend for more than a year. A year! That's more than 12 months of treading water, questioning, looking for "signals," and subjecting poor Scarlet to countless hours of inane analysis of his hot and cold behavior. A smarter girl- and I had always thought I was one- would have told him to forget it. He obviously doesn't know something good when he's staring it straight in the face- or making out with it, as the case may be. But I did tell him to forget it. More than once, actually, and each time, he came back and did something awesome, so I thought it was a turning point in the relationship.

Moving on from the Imaginary Boyfriend was a lot harder than you'd think. With a real relationship, you actually have something to mourn. With an Imaginary Boyfriend, you're mourning what could have been. You just keep thinking 'if only we had graduated to hand-holding and sleepovers, things would have been great.' And even after it's really, truly, over, you still think something will happen to knock some sense into him, like him getting hit with a baseball bat or something. Luckily, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken, also works for imaginary relationships.

The problem with the Imaginary Boyfriend is that they're so hard to recognize. In the early stages of the relationship, things are just going so well, you don't know how they could possibly fail. Then things come to a screeching halt when the IB gets cold feet or isn't sure if he's really ready for a relationship. But at the same time, he really digs you, so he doesn't want to send you back into the dating pool just yet.

My problem today is that the ex-Imaginary Boyfriend and I are still very good friends. (Hence the lengthy phone conversation.) We started out as good friends, so I didn't see any reason why that should change, even if he did break my heart into a million pieces. The thing is, the ex-Real Boyfriend (hmmm, he needs a better nickname) could get married next weekend, and I would be genuinely happy for him. Seriously. But if I found out the ex-Imaginary boyfriend was so much as the current Imaginary Boyfriend to some other poor sap (and I suspect he is. I should really call her and warn her), well, he may as well have just punch me in the gut. I mean, I do want him to be happy. Eventually. It's just that I have to be happy first.

This Imaginary Boyfriend is heretofore known as McNerdy. Because I have a thing for nerds, and he is the perfect dose of nerdiness, but, despite fooling me for far too long, is definitely not my McDreamy. Just a McDreamy wannabe.