Out and Proud

The holidays are a time for family dysfunction and boy do I have a story for you. It all starts with mine and Violet's aunt, who we affectionately refer to as YFA (Your Favorite Aunt, which she's been not-so-humbly signing all cards since we've been old enough to read). YFA is not a happy woman. She is everything we hope never to become. She's critical, lonely, and downright annoying.

Unfortunately, we have to spend Thanksgiving with her this year. Violet and I have been counting on being together to deal with her craziness, but the witch struck before Violet's plane had even landed. Upon YFA's arrival I introduced her to my roommate, 8-year-Lisa. We chatted politely and it took Lisa no time at to realize what an unhappy woman YFA really was. While Lisa was in the shower I showed her around our house, indicating my room, as well as the door to Lisa's room. At this point YFA was interested in my life, something she hasn't cared about for 5 years or so.
YFA: "So have you known Lisa since you started school here?."
Me: "Yeah, she started here a semester before me."
YFA: "Good for you."
(Good for me? I didn't know what this meant, but I ignored it.)
Me: "She lived across the street from me at my old apartment. We became really good friends and decided to move our relationship to the next level by becoming roommates."
YFA: "Are you out and proud?"
Though my "relationship to the next level" comment was just a joke, she was completely serious when she asked this. Suddenly her previous comment made sense. She was happy for me for "finally" meeting someone, and it occurred to me, MY AUNT THINKS I'M A LESBIAN. Don't get me wrong. I'm down with the gays, but my boy craze has been well documented for a number of years. And here's the thing, I DIDN'T EVEN DENY IT.
Me: "We're not together..."
YFA then went on to discuss gay rights while I frantically tried to figure out what just happened and why she would come to that conclusion. It wasn't just my relationship joke, apparently my aunt already was getting the gay-vibe.

I immediately knew I was on to something extraordinary and couldn't wait until Violet arrived and I could recount this epic tale. After laughing excessively and realizing that I didn't even deny it, she begged to keep this going. For weeks Violet and I have been trying to think of a prank to pull on YFA, but couldn't come up with a single one that wouldn't deeply offend her (Her Christmas presents are usually awful, but there's always a chance a giftcard would be thrown in). But low and behold, within the first 20 minutes of spending time with her, she has given us the ultimate Christmas present: she has volunteered to be punk'd.

Tonight, family game night will include comments about Ellen DeGeneres and my new rugby team.