Well, I sure didn't see that one coming...

I had agreed to go out for a drink with The Highlander tonight for two reasons. 1. I like to do charity work, and 2. to inquire about obtaining his cat for my roommate, who needs a cat to keep her cat company when I move out. I had a few expectations going into the meeting, namely that he would have done absolutely nothing in the year and a half since I've seen him and be kind of sad and lonely. However, before I went out, I scolded myself for having such a low opinion of him and decided that maybe the reason he's moving to New York was that the internet dating site he was working so hard on had really taken off, or that he had met the woman of his dreams and was moving to New York to be with her.

He had arrived at the designated place a bit before I did, and things got off to a generally awkward start, as they usually do with him. We spent the first part of the evening catching up. I found out pretty quickly that he had already given his cat away, which I gave him a really hard time for. He told me it had been a hasty decision to get the cat in the first place, but that when he needed to get rid of it, he should have called me, but as he said, "you weren't speaking to me." Oh, please. As if I owed him something. I also found out that he hasn't done anything with his internet dating site. Of course he hasn't. One thing I've noticed about him is that he starts things and doesn't finish them. And he gets pets and then gets rid of them. I told him not to get anymore pets.

Then things got awkward. He started to apologize to me for how things ended. He wanted to let me know that he has a lot of regrets about how things ended and that I really stand out to him. 'Uh-oh,' I thought, 'would this be a good time to mention the cute neighbor?' Instead, I told him he didn't have anything to apologize about, we just don't have anything in common.

"What do you mean we don't have anything in common?," he asked.

"We don't have anything in common," I said. "Name one thing we have in common."

He paused. "You start."

"Exactly! You can't even name anything we have in common!"

"What are you talking about? We're both... human beings."

I laughed. Out loud. "Human beings? Yeah, you, me, and 6 billion other people!"

This was getting awkward. I mean, human beings? If the only thing you're looking for in a person is that they are a human being, then I'd say you have pretty low standards. He seemed a little flustered, but he continued on: "Well, are you single right now?"

"No."

"Oh." Disappointment? Really? "You have a boyfriend?"

"Yes."

"What do you and this boyfriend have in common?"

Despite how stunned I was that this guy was actually asking me what my boyfriend has that he doesn't, I started rattling off all the things that me and the cute neighbor do together. We watch baseball together, win tailgating competitions together, read the same books, go to the beach and actually have a great time (more on that later), traveling, etc.

"Wow. Well, I guess he has me beat."

"Yes. Yes he does."

I could have also told him that the cute neighbor is a helluva lot smarter, funnier, more interesting, and all around everything that the highlander is not, but I chose not to.

Then he asked me if the cute neighbor was going to London with me. When I explained that no, he was actually taking a job on the west coast, the highlander kept pushing: "See? I'll be closer to you than he will be while you're in London!"

Oh my god. I can't believe this is actually happening. First, this moron wants me to tell him what my boyfriend has that he doesn't. Then, he tries to make a case for himself by claiming that a New York-London distance is better than a West Coast-London distance. THERE IS STILL A FUCKING OCEAN IN BETWEEN! I did not see this coming.

Then he tried to tell me that he's changed ("evolved" is the word he used. Probably because he thinks that using this big word is going to impress me.) and that he's now a baseball fan, and he plays golf, and he goes running. Then he asked me what my favorite baseball team is.

I stared at him. Anyone who has met me for 5 minutes knows my favorite baseball team. I'm not a casual fan. I'm a crazy, screaming, pissed-off-and-in-a-bad-mood-all-day-when-they-lose kind of fan. I asked him if he was serious, then asked for the check.

I went in there expecting him to be sad and lonely, and I found out that he is sadder and lonelier than I thought. I mean, people don't go looking to start long-distance relationships. But hey, we're both human beings, so maybe it could work. Or maybe I would rather spend the evening conversing with a sock puppet.