Parental preppin'

My (and Violet's) parental units are visiting this weekend. This will be the first time they've visited since I've lived in Boston and I've spent the evening preparing for the occasion. I don't have a special boy to introduce them to or anything (nor can I tell you about introducing them to a special boy) so I feel like I have to make up for it by impressing them with my daily life. You know impress them with my "big city life" i.e. my little apartment, my huge workplace, my easy navigation of public transportation, and my cultured taste for ethnic food (where Violet and I are from, the only "ethnic" food is a Chinese buffet and that doesn't count because they also serve chicken nuggets). So this is what I've been doing this evening:

1. Cleaning. Obviously. Some people may not notice dust but those some people are not my parents. Ok, so it's not just dust, my room usually looks like a closet threw up in it. And to be honest, I've lived here 7 months now and I still haven't figured out where to put some things. I'm sure my mom will have several opinions on that subject. She's ever so helpful *eyeroll*
2. Grocery shopping. Can't really say what I've been eating this week. I think mostly apples/applesauce (I went apple picking last weekend). I'm guessing that the parentals won't be too crazy about that idea. Also, I don't want them eating all my apples!
   
3. Emailing the roommates. Partly to warn them, partly to beg them to not be giant drunken slutbags this weekend. You think it would be a given, seeing that I rarely have guests over and these happen to be my parents, that maybe they should stay low-key or if nothing else, go elsewhere. It shouldn't be too much to ask, but that would be giving them too much credit. So I specifically asked that they have a low-key weekend and even "paid them off" by taking on all the chores this week. This better work because if I overhear sex moans while sitting on the sofa with my mother I will 1. kill them and 2. immediately escort my parents to the nearest hotel without making eye contact with either of them, yet possibly have to stay with them because I'll be a wanted felon.
4. Hiding things. So I know I'm an adult and all but my mother has a tendency to get into things. Not really sure how she does it (I hope to inherit this gift) but say if there were some, um, personal items in your dresser drawer she'll somehow come across these, um, items within the first 10 minutes of her visit. And that's not really something I want to experience. That being said those condoms in my nightstand now have a new home. (On a side note I've realized those condoms expire in December and I find myself hoping against hope that I will have a reason to use them before then. Come. On!) One thing I will not be hiding is my "Condoms don't protect the heart" sticker. It was a gift from my mum, afterall.

So I'm all prepared to be visited by my parents. We're going biking on the Cape (thankfully they still have a mini-van so they can bring up their bikes, rearview mirrors, spedometers and all...dorks), stopping by my lab, and eating at a Shabu/Japanese place (I may have to bring them forks in my purse). If you're wondering how many times they'll bring up Violet and her ACTUAL BOYFRIEND, my guess is as good as yours (but I'm leaning towards 7). Happy Friday, everyone!

Abstinence only

That's right. Condoms don't protect the heart. Thanks, Mom. My mom sent this sticker to me in her last mailing. Apparently she found it while cleaning out our old coats before giving them to Goodwill. This prize was found in the pocket of my coat I wore in high school. Why she thought I needed a reminder of what condoms do or do not do, is beyond me. Doesn't she remember that I was in the Abstinence Club?

That's right, I was in the Abstinence Club all through high school. If you're wondering, the Abstinence Club was not something I made up as an excuse for not getting laid. No. The Abstinence Club was a bonafide state-funded program that required us to wear obnoxiously bright yellow tshirts while putting on skits for 5th graders. I don't mean to brag, but my BFF, Greenley, and I wrote the skit pretty much all by ourselves when we were in 9th grade. Yeah, you're right, we were pretty cool back then.

The Abstinence Club encouraged abstaining from drugs and alcohol, but sex was our real bread and butter. Greenley and I wrote a scintillating tale that included football players, high school dances, and a scandalous teen pregnancy (Obviously, we have to get a teen pregnancy in there. It's what happens when you have sex!). We even had this girl show up at the dance (after being shipped off to her Aunt's in a nearby town) with her newborn baby, telling her former flame, "Of course it's yours!" Oh, what drama. (It's as if I had grown up watching soaps with my mom...which I did).

The great part is, Greenley and I also got to act in the skits, and hell yes we played the same parts all 4 years. Greenley played a promiscuous girl who had to be rejected by her football playing beau. It's as if she had learned nothing from her baby mama friend, Jasmin. I, on the other hand, would not even consider going to my football playing boyfriend's house with his parents out of town. "Look," I would say with much gusto, "you know what happened to Jasmin. That is NOT going to happen to ME!" The fifth graders couldn't help but be moved by that performance. (And I'm positive that I convinced them that being alone in a house together will result in a baby.) If you're wondering how I can remember my lines after 7 years, it's because I played the same part and said my lines the exact same way over the course of 4 years and every 5th grade class in the district. We are talking dozens of performances, people. If that's not the sign of great acting skills, then I don't know what is.

When we were seniors we got a little over the top. We had a musical performance by a girl that could actually sing, along with a real life football player that could actually play the guitar. One time Greenley and I sang backup, complete with two-stepping and hand gestures in the background. It was no High School Musical production (obviously as it wasn't highly choreographed dancing with basketballs) but it was pretty awesome. Unfortunately, our adviser wouldn't let us do it again. She said it was distracting and taking away from the message of the song (Wait for me by Rebecca St. James). Sadly, my career as a back up singer was over before it ever really began. What can I say, I sang, I danced, I acted, I wrote skits...I had so much potential back then.

So yes, I was in an Abstinence Club. It was fun. We were actually fairly cool and some us were actually fairly, if not completely, abstinent. We got to get out of school, we got pizza and doughnuts, and we got those rad yellow tshirts too. I wish I still had mine, but at least I still have a sticker. A sticker which is currently on my bathroom mirror, right where it belongs. Thanks, Mom!

Abstinence Works! (But who cares?)

Last week, I got an absolutely fabulous gift in the mail from Fenella: an album of our fabulous 10 days together. The album included both pictures (like the one above, seen on our roadtrip) as well as quotes. We thought we would share some of these quotes with you, completely out of context, for your enjoyment. We enjoyed making them.

"I'll make you a meal that will make you wet." -The Cute Neighbor

"I'll get all gooey and want to reproduce." -Violet

"Don't you know how to spread your legs?" -Fenella

"Aching uterus... ah!" -Vi again, can't shake the baby ache!

"Seven years of bad sex? I'm heading towards seven years of no sex..." -Fen, taking the billboard to heart ;)

"Pulsating vibrator" -generated by Mad Libs

"This is random, but... you totally have my permission to make out with McNerdy." -Vi

"Who needs a boyfriend when I have you?" I think Vi to Fen, but it could have been the other way around. There were lots of margaritas involved.

"I really hope he doesn't do something weird, like howl like a werewolf when he comes."