Abstinence only

That's right. Condoms don't protect the heart. Thanks, Mom. My mom sent this sticker to me in her last mailing. Apparently she found it while cleaning out our old coats before giving them to Goodwill. This prize was found in the pocket of my coat I wore in high school. Why she thought I needed a reminder of what condoms do or do not do, is beyond me. Doesn't she remember that I was in the Abstinence Club?

That's right, I was in the Abstinence Club all through high school. If you're wondering, the Abstinence Club was not something I made up as an excuse for not getting laid. No. The Abstinence Club was a bonafide state-funded program that required us to wear obnoxiously bright yellow tshirts while putting on skits for 5th graders. I don't mean to brag, but my BFF, Greenley, and I wrote the skit pretty much all by ourselves when we were in 9th grade. Yeah, you're right, we were pretty cool back then.

The Abstinence Club encouraged abstaining from drugs and alcohol, but sex was our real bread and butter. Greenley and I wrote a scintillating tale that included football players, high school dances, and a scandalous teen pregnancy (Obviously, we have to get a teen pregnancy in there. It's what happens when you have sex!). We even had this girl show up at the dance (after being shipped off to her Aunt's in a nearby town) with her newborn baby, telling her former flame, "Of course it's yours!" Oh, what drama. (It's as if I had grown up watching soaps with my mom...which I did).

The great part is, Greenley and I also got to act in the skits, and hell yes we played the same parts all 4 years. Greenley played a promiscuous girl who had to be rejected by her football playing beau. It's as if she had learned nothing from her baby mama friend, Jasmin. I, on the other hand, would not even consider going to my football playing boyfriend's house with his parents out of town. "Look," I would say with much gusto, "you know what happened to Jasmin. That is NOT going to happen to ME!" The fifth graders couldn't help but be moved by that performance. (And I'm positive that I convinced them that being alone in a house together will result in a baby.) If you're wondering how I can remember my lines after 7 years, it's because I played the same part and said my lines the exact same way over the course of 4 years and every 5th grade class in the district. We are talking dozens of performances, people. If that's not the sign of great acting skills, then I don't know what is.

When we were seniors we got a little over the top. We had a musical performance by a girl that could actually sing, along with a real life football player that could actually play the guitar. One time Greenley and I sang backup, complete with two-stepping and hand gestures in the background. It was no High School Musical production (obviously as it wasn't highly choreographed dancing with basketballs) but it was pretty awesome. Unfortunately, our adviser wouldn't let us do it again. She said it was distracting and taking away from the message of the song (Wait for me by Rebecca St. James). Sadly, my career as a back up singer was over before it ever really began. What can I say, I sang, I danced, I acted, I wrote skits...I had so much potential back then.

So yes, I was in an Abstinence Club. It was fun. We were actually fairly cool and some us were actually fairly, if not completely, abstinent. We got to get out of school, we got pizza and doughnuts, and we got those rad yellow tshirts too. I wish I still had mine, but at least I still have a sticker. A sticker which is currently on my bathroom mirror, right where it belongs. Thanks, Mom!