Facebook fuckwittage

I got talking to Grayer today about certain facebook behaviors that annoy the hell out of us. We decided the only way to end facebook fuckwittage was to be proactive about it. We cannot sit idly by and let these facebook fouls continue. So without further ado, may I present Facebook Fuckwittage: Behavior that Must Stop Now! In no particular order, as they are all equally heinous.

1. Taking the time to tell the world just how busy you are.

Violet J. Bickerstaff has a busy, busy day! Heading to work, morning meeting, lunch with Grayer, afternoon meeting, GYM, zumba class, dinner with Fenella, then American Idol! Whew!

If you are so busy, why are you taking the time to tell everyone just how busy you are? Does being busy make you more important than me? Let's face it: you are not that busy. Your day is not that productive. Here's what your status should really say:

Violet J. Bickerstaff has a busy, busy day! Heading to work, checking my e-mail for the first hour, then checking to see what everyone else is up to on facebook, as well as checking on my fantasy baseball team, then maybe I'll get a bit of work done before having lunch with Grayer, then more of the same in the afternoon.

Cut the crap. You're not that busy.

2. Letting everyone know just how much you work out.

Violet J. Bickerstaff just had a GREAT workout! Can't wait to do it again tomorrow!

This is especially for the ladies. I do not care how much time a day you spend at the gym. I don't care that you go to yoga class or zumba or pilates or whatever flavor of the week class you're taking. I can see by looking at you that you are not in really great shape. Bottom line: If you're in good shape and feel great and secure about it, you don't need to tell the world how much you work out. (The exception is if you're training for a half-marathon like Fen, and are using Facebook to raise money for it. Keep up the good work, Fen!)

3. Using your sonogram picture as your profile photo.

We're very, very happy for you, but is this really how you want to tell your 362 facebook friends that you've got a bun in the oven? On second thought, why do you even need to tell your 362 facebook friends? You don't even know half those people! Worse yet, never EVER post a picture of your positive pregnancy test. That's just gross. And yes, I've seen it happen. Sadly, it turned out to be a false positive, which made it even worse.

4. Constantly referring to your significant other and calling them baby.

Violet J. Bickerstaff loves coming home to a home-cooked meal and fresh flowers! Thank you baby!

We already know that you are "In a Relationship". Congratulations. And we're sure he's a really, really great guy, but let us figure that out on our own.

And speaking of In a Relationship...

5. Changing your relationship status every 5 minutes.

Sure, it's great to let all your exes and the girls who thought you were a lesbian in high school know that you're capable of actually having sex, but you know what really sucks? Letting everyone know that you are no longer "In a Relationship." You've been dating the guy for 2 weeks. Until you move in with him, get engaged, or better yet get married, leave your romantic life off facebook. (In case you're wondering, the cute neighbor and I are not in a facebook relationship, nor do I mention him endlessly in my status updates. Or at all, really.)

6. Posting vague, sad messages, but never elaborating.

Violet J. Bickerstaff is really, really sad and disappointed.
Grayer X: Oh, no! What happened?
Fenella Middleton-Brown: Are you ok?
Violet J. Bickerstaff: I sent you an email. I'll be fine, I think.

If you don't want everyone to know about it, don't mention it. End of story.

7. Getting your anger at other people out passive-aggressively.

Violet J. Bickerstaff thinks that some people need to grow up. I guess I know who my true friends are.

We are not in high school anymore. There is no need for you to be a cyber drama queen. Facebook is not a place air out the drama. It is a place for you to quietly stalk your exes. (Kidding!)

8. All the kissing.

Fenella Middleton-Brown is tired and needs to go to sleep. xx
Violet J. Bickerstaff can't wait to see Toy Story 3! xx

Fenella is the one who brought this to my attention, and while I've not really noticed it and suggested it to be a UK issue, Fen reminded me that we are an international blog and therefore must discuss international issues. Excellent point. On the same note, please refrain from posting pictures of you and your S.O. kissing. Again, we know you are "In a Relationship." What you do alone should not be posted on facebook for all the world to see.

If you find yourself committing any of these facebook crimes, we have three words for you: Knock it off!