It's not me, it's you.

Six months ago I was online looking for a mate. A roommate. It was a process that can only be compared to online dating. But worse. For being a bit of commitment phobe, meeting someone and immediately taking the relationship to the next level and moving in together is a bit much. So it's no surprise that 6 months later, I'm ready for a breakup. Because I like to avoid confrontation I shall put it in a letter.

Dear Roommate,
I'm sorry to say the the ship has sailed on this relationship. I'm just not in a place in my life that I can/want to give you what you need. I just need to focus on my career/personal life (that doesn't involve you) right now/for the forseeable future. I just hope that once you get your shit out of this apartment ASAP, we can still be (facebook) friends. It's not me, it's you.

1. You're too needy. Honestly, when I come home for a 10 hour work day, starving and tired, the last thing I want to do is talk to you. You do not need to come out of your room when you hear me come home. I realize you are home alone all day doing whatever it is that you do and have few friends and therefore crave human attention, but you are not my cat, I do not have to spend time with you.
2. It's in extreme poor taste to peek into my room just to give me a bad time about how messy it is. Sure you can keep yours clean (congratulations) but you never ever clean the rest of the apartment. This is why I said no to your idea of hiring someone (do it yourself, lazy ass) and implemented a cleaning schedule. That was for you! And you know what even when you do "clean", you still suck at it!
3. Speaking of sucking, you are a giant slutbag. You know you are a giant slutbag and like to tell me your giant slutbag adventures. News flash: I don't care! You only tell me these things for attention, because you are an attention-seeking whore. Literally. I've seen you start stripping in the middle of the kitchen because your man-0-the-month was in a serious debate with our other roommate (i.e. not fawning over you). Clearly you have serious daddy issues but the slew of men you've brought around is disturbing and dangerous. Stop meeting someone on OkCupid and sleeping with them on the first date. Seriously, it's unsafe! (but thanks for at least not bringing any of those home...that I know of). And while we're on the subject, morning shower sex at 8am on a Wednesday in the one bathroom we have in this apartment is NOT ok!
   
4. I'm embarrassed to introduce you to my friends. When you met the Mutual Friend you announced you're fuck buddy was coming over, then announced that you were going to have sex, which you proceeded to do loudly, while we awkwardly sat in the living room. When you met Mary, you thought it was appropriate to play "Let me guess your heritage" (FYI you cannot tell the difference between Korean and Chinese etc, so stop pretending you can). When you met June, you assumed she was Mary because you saw an Asian. Asians do not look alike (especially these two) and I now think you are racist. I know you really like my friends, but my friends really do not like you.
   
5. Stop using my shit. And especially stop using my shit and lying about it. I know you ruined my kitchen towels and proceeded to throw them away. Let me clarify, I know you ruined my deceased grandmother's kitchen towels that Violet and I got for her from Ireland and proceeded to throw them away without telling me and later lying about it. Also, I know you and/or your man-o-the-month were using my toothpaste and then lied about it. Firstly, you should have asked before you started using it (for who knows how long, I only noticed because you started leaving the cap open). And secondly, that grosses me out. Unless I'm related to you, friends with you, or making out with you, I do not share my toothpaste! And since I'm pretty sure that both of you have STDs of the mouth, I now have hidden toothpaste (and a toothbrush for good measures).
6. Either you're extremely stupid (possibly) or just don't care about it, but you seriously need a lesson on recyclables. Since I'm the one who usually takes out the recycling I feel the need to tell you this. Recyclables: milk jugs, aluminum cans, newspapers, etc. Nonrecyclables: pillow cases, tissues, tampon applicators, used condoms. And yes, those are things you've tried to recycle. Please stop. Condoms can't even be reused let alone recycled.

So if you're still following, I'm breaking up with you because you're a dirty, inconsiderate, lying slutbag. Good riddance.

Your (facebook) friend,
Grayer