The Mathematics of Love

According to Charlotte York, it takes half the length of the relationship to recover from a relationship. I've never been good at math, but let me see if I can figure this out.

L÷2=R{where L= length of relationship and R=recovery time}

The cute neighbor and I got together in April of 2010 and parted in July of 2011, which equals approximately 16 months. Divide that by 2, and you get 8 months. So according to Charlotte, I'll be over it by... March 2012. MARCH?!?!?! Oh no, no, no, no, no. I must get over this more quickly than March!

Every time that I think that I'm over it, something happens to make me realize that I'm not. First it was seeing photos of him pop up on facebook, (which I then made sure to "hide" all his future facebook activity in record time) then it was something as innocent as seeing the university he is now employed by playing in an athletic event that made me desperate to text/call him. (I didn't. *pats self on back*) And now it's an email from him.

I was actually thinking that I was so over it that maybe, just maybe I could drop him an email to see if he's found a new apartment, etc., but decided no, I should definitely at least wait until I get myself settled into London. By that point, I'll be very busy and surrounded by lots of new people with exotic accents, and I really and truly won't care about him. But when I saw his name pop up in my inbox, I realized just how unready I am for that. The usual queasiness in the pit of my stomach, and the prickling just behind my eyes returned. The email was innocent enough, he was actually just forwarding on information about free baseball tickets we won for being so awesome at tailgating (and the tickets just happen to be for my birthday, but I'll be in London, of course), but all I want now is a calming glass of wine, only my parents don't drink wine. They don't drink anything at all, and why is it that my parents' house is completely dry? And in this god forsaken place, the liquor store downtown closes at 6pm and they don't sell any alcohol in grocery stores, so I really, really cannot have a calming glass of wine. You'd think they were recovering alcoholics or something, but they're not, they just don't like alcohol. I thought of the possibility that some unsuspecting soul had given them a bottle of wine as a gift over the holidays (it's happened), but if I ask them for that, they'll automatically assume I've got an alcohol problem (they would, trust me), even though I haven't had any alcohol at all since I was at Grayer's place (and left a bottle of wine there, DAMMIT!), so I guess I'll just have to hope they have a dance lesson tonight or something so I can ransack the house looking for wine. Now I sound as if I do have a problem.

Ok. It's fine. I'll just have a calming glass of water and some chocolate instead. That's almost the same thing. And piss on Charlotte's formula. In two weeks I'll be in London, surrounded by men with adorable accents, and Fen will be around for cocktails. I don't need that stupid formula. I just need some wine...

Starting Over

My New Years Eve wasn't nearly as stellar as Violet's. I didn't snog any hot boys or even give out my number. However, going to a bar in my hometown does have some perks...being surrounded by lots of less than classy people is a confidence booster. (Seriously! If I can see your underwear, then your dress is too short!) It did make for some excellent people watching. So I started off the new year with the realization that I need to stop asking myself what is wrong with me and just focus on being happy in the here and now. It's a simple concept but it might take awhile to fully follow this way of thinking. After all, one of my new years resolutions was to be more confident and optimistic.

So I began my week by quiting my job! Hoorah!! I discussed how much my job has weighed me down over the past few years previously, so this shouldn't be that big of a surprise. I was kind of nervous about the actual resigning part, but after handing over the letter to my fuckwit of a boss all I felt was relief! Honestly, I can't remember the last time I feel this carefree.

Next week I'll be starting a graduate program. I'm super excited to be moving on to bigger and better things! With this fresh start, I'm even feeling more positive about eventually dating again. However, after the panic attack I had when I tried to return to the online dating scene, I'm not going to push it. I admit I'm still not completely over the disappointment and hurt of my imaginary relationship. I've come to the conclusion that I should just focus on me right now. Enjoy being a singleton! The other stuff will fall into place later. Maybe there will even be some hot, single guys in my classes...

Where do I unload this baggage?

It has been about a month since things with MM officially ended and well over a month since our last date. I'm doing a little better. I still miss MM but I've accepted that it is over. That doesn't mean I don't think about him and wish that I could talk to him.

I realized that MM was damaged goods when I met him and, until he gets over his past, he isn't going to be able to have a successful relationship with me or anyone else. He was right; he does need to be alone right now. I know that the whole "It's not you, it's me" excuse is usually just a line, but in MM's case it really was HIM. (For the record he didn't actually use that line.) I've gone over and over it in my head and even at the end he was still into me. Just not enough to be ready for a real relationship. (When he told me he didn't think we should see each other anymore because I wanted more than he could give me, he jokingly told me when we hung out he would just have to settle for undressing me with his eyes. Later when I was upset, he said that it was hard for him not to try to comfort me.) Like Violet said, sometimes the timing just isn't right. The realization that there was nothing I could have done differently was somewhat liberating. His rejection was not an insult to my awesomeness. It was just proof that, at least right now, he isn't worthy of me.

Last weekend I went out for dinner with the Accidental Date Guy. I'm fairly certain it was not a date this time; however, he did pay for my dinner. I have to admit that was kind of nice. I really enjoy the Accidental Date Guy's company. It really is unfortunate that he is leaving in a couple of weeks but at least this ensures that I won't accidentally date him again.

When the Accidental Date Guy called me and asked if I wanted to do dinner with some meetup people this week, I was happy to hear from him. The Accidental Date Guy and MM don't really know each other that well, so I was surprised to see MM there. This meeting wasn't nearly as awkward as the last. Actually, I was kind of happy to see him and catch up. I'm fairly certain that MM felt the same way and was relieved that I didn't give him the cold shoulder. I was a little worried that seeing him would result in a relapse, but after seeing him I felt more confident that I need to move on. I'm healing or at least I thought so.

Today I was looking at match.com again and a saw quite a few new guys with potential. I think the holiday season and new years resolutions tend to inspire people to be more proactive and/or get over their fear of online dating. It was enough for me to seriously consider joining again. I even edited my profile a little more in preparation. When I remembered that updating my profile automatically unhides it, I thought "well it wouldn't hurt to see if I get some interest before I pay for a membership." (You can see if someone winks at you or emails you. You just can't read the email or see who emailed you.) So I walked away from my computer feeling v. proud of myself.

When I returned I already had a wink and a message. Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, I felt utterly panicked. I immediately hid my profile before I elicited someone else's interest. I'm not sure I even understand why. Is it that I'm not ready to start dating or am I afraid to get hurt again? This is completely new to me. I've never had my heart broken before. Honestly, when things ended with other guys, I barely even cared. I can't even remember crying over the other guys. I'm realizing that even once I'm over MM, there are going to be some residual effects.

I guess this is the "baggage" I've heard so much about. (Gotta say, I could have done without it!) So here is my question for you, do I push past the fear and panic and brave the world of online dating once again (OK for the third time) or do I give myself more time to heal? Would it be a bad idea to try to date now when I'm not sure I'm going to be, as the DH put it, "emotionally available"?

And so it goes...

It's weird I have not truly cried over MM since September, before he left for his business trip, when I realized the odds were not in my favor. Over the last few weeks I've shed a few tears here and there, but not a sobbing, ugly, blotchy face, sniffling kind of cry. Is that normal? Sometimes I think that maybe I'd feel better if I could just let it out.

I haven't contacted MM in anyway since my last blog entry. At first it was really difficult to fight the urge, but it has gotten easier. The problem is that I don't miss him any less. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. Something will happen and I'll think that I want to share it with MM and then the reality sets in that I can't. MM and I talked practically everyday for 5 months. We shared mundane details about our days, cheered each other up on bad days, and supported each other. My phone barely rings anymore and when it does I know that it won't be MM. Now that I've begun to recover from the crushing disappointment, what I miss the most is our friendship.

Recently I hung out some friends and the Accidental Date Guy. He is back in town for about a month. I still think he is really cool, but nothing will come of this seeing as he won't be around for long. The Accidental Date Guy is fun and flirty. We have a lot of common interests and similar personalities. It did occur to me that he might provide a nice distraction from MM for the next month, but even when I was thinking this I wanted to talk to MM.

This weekend I saw MM at a party. I knew he was going to be there. Of course I made sure that I looked super hot. He in turn wore a shirt that I helped him pick out. (Probably not on purpose...he is a guy afterall.) When he arrived he walked over to me. We exchanged pleasantries and then other people joined us. After that we shared the same space but we didn't really have the opportunity to talk and catch up on each other's lives. As I drove home after the party, I felt a few tears rolling down my face. I realized at this point that I wasn't crying over our relationship; I was crying over our friendship. Even when we were in the same room, I was missing him.

So here I sit silently crying over the remains of my friendship with MM. Wishing I could talk to him about my day.

You can bring me flowers baby, when I'm dead and gone

I took my puppy for a long walk at the park over the weekend to try to clear my mind. To be more precise, we went on two walks. We didn't walk alone. Ray LaMontagne joined us. Yes, I have a new man. For some reason when I'm upset, I'm driven to listen to dark and depressing music. If you are looking for dark and depressing then Ray is your man. One of my favorites is "You can bring me flowers"...

My eyes are dry my hands are tied

There's nothing I can say

If you feel the need to go

I won't stand in your way

Sit and think drown and drink

Sing this sad sad song

You can bring me flowers baby

When I'm dead and gone

Somehow the walk made me feel better. It was nice to hear that someone was more depressed than me. It's funny how music talks to you. In "Gone Away from Me" Ray told me:

Yesterday is gone

Yesterday is dead

Get it through your head and walk away

Yesterday is gone

Ain't no use hanging on to her memory

It only causes you pain

Yes Ray, we will call this a "Lesson Learned." The walk was cleansing and healing but somehow I can't be that at peace with things in everyday life. Today I entered the angry stage. No, I'm not angry at MM for breaking it off. I knew it would happen eventually. I'm angry at MM for the way he handled it. We were friends first. I thought that he would be honest and handle things like an adult rather than avoiding the situation and letting it stew. I told him when he got back that I'd rather he be honest with me than leave me in the dark. I said that leaving me wondering was the surest way to hurt me. I realized that is exactly what he had done. Upon this realization, I went from being upset to downright mad.

I started to think of all the things that MM did and all the things that he didn't do. I was even freshly angry that MM tricked me into going to a sporting event for my birthday. Yes, that's all I got for my birthday after dating MM for 3 or 4 months. And, I don't even like sports!! I told MM that this wasn't an acceptable birthday present and he said that he would get me something else but he never did. He left and I didn't even get a card. So MM...you can bring me flowers when I'm dead and gone.

Always Look at the Bright Side of Life

It's been two days since my CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT, and I think I've done pretty well. I may half-expect him to call or show up at my door, but I know that only happens in movies. I've avoided calling or texting him, even though there's been more than one occasion where I would have last week to tell him something funny or amusing that had happened. Yes, I think I'm doing pretty well.

In order to continue doing well, I've made a list of all the reasons why this is a good thing. The list so far:
1. He is divorced with a child. Yes, I really, really liked him, but do I really want to be someone's second wife? Or stepmother? This reason alone is worth a lot of points, so I'm going to focus on it.
2. He snores. And I'm a light sleeper and insomniac. Not a good combination.
3. His bed is uncomfortable. There is seriously a ditch in the middle.
4. This crushing disappointment will get me into really great shape. I've gone on some of my best runs of the year, powered by emotional stress. On top of that, I haven't had much of an appetite at all. My nervous stomach, which I didn't know I had until I became an adult and learned the meaning of emotional stress, makes all food unappetizing. Haven't been able to eat much besides fruit and toast since. At this rate, I'll fit into my skinny pants by Friday. (Come to think of it, I didn't have much of an appetite on Friday or Saturday either. AND I forced my students to listen to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" over and over again on Friday. Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm only falling apart... Hmm, coincidence or scary premonitions? Must pay closer attention to this in the future.)

In order to take my mind off things, I threw myself into softball last night, getting myself all muddy and bruised and bloody. Does that make me weird that it felt good to get bruised and battered? Or is it just that the physical pain takes your mind off the emotional kind? I've also invited my cute neighbor to trivia tomorrow night (that's pub quiz to you Fenella), and he accepted. There it is, the road to recovery. My knee however, will be scarred for awhile.