Zombieland

There's nothing quite like a new man. Especially one you're excited about. The little happy dances, the anticipation, the blushing...

But having a new man around does have a dark side. And it's called Extreme Sleep Deprivation. ESD can happen for several reasons. The first and most innocent is that you simply stay up too late with the New Man, caught up in all the New Man-ness, and forgetting about what time it is and that you have to get up the next morning and go to work like a normal person. It seems all fun and romantic at the time, but when you can barely get through your first class the next morning (and you happen to be the one teaching it), the romance is a bit lost on you.

It seems that I shouldn't be suffering from any sort of Sleep Deprivation in my current situation, seeing as Dark Horse and I are currently limited to seeing each other on the weekends, and I can sleep in the next morning. Trouble is, for the last few weeks, our dates have been lasting well into the next day. This is quite a delightful problem to have, and wouldn't be a problem at all if I weren't a bit of an insomniac. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is, and anything other than my normal sleeping situation will throw me off and sleeping becomes a hopeless cause. I'm quite used to sleeping alone, and when there is a body on the other side of the bed, my brain thinks that I need to be awake.

Eventually I'll get used to it and start sleeping semi-normally when he's around. But in the meantime, I'll be taking 2-hour naps on Sunday afternoon and going to bed early the next night in a futile attempt to catch up on my sleep.

Weekend Warrior

Since I met- or more appropriately, re-met- The Dark Horse I've been seeing him quite a bit on weekends. Hanging out with him is something I've thoroughly enjoyed. He's funny. And fun. I learned last weekend that he looks adorable in a baseball hat. (Bonus!) I learned this past weekend that he is a hilarious drunk. He actually gets sports. He even reads. Last week, we exchanged Gabriel Garcia Marquez novels. And he's really good at, you know... stuff.

I was cruising right along and feeling confident about the whole thing when Grayer said, "So, are you "seeing" each other?" My initial response would be yes, but then I realized that that has never actually been said. All signs would indicate that we are. He calls mid-week to ask what I'm doing on the weekend. He pays for dinner. It shouldn't be rocket science. But what if he doesn't want a real relationship? What if he only wants an imaginary, weekend girlfriend? I refuse to be an imaginary girlfriend, because let's face it, what self-respecting man would want a real girlfriend when he can have an imaginary one? As awkward as online dating could be, at least with that you knew what people were after. In real life, you actually have to ask them about it.

Which brings me to my question: When on earth should I be bringing this up? Normally I would prefer for The Other Person to bring it up, but I really don't want to get too far into something only to find out that it's imaginary; that's the worst kind of hurt. Next weekend would make it a month since we first went out, but since we're really only seeing each other on weekends now, does that push the timetable back? And how do I bring it up? I really, really don't want to be the girl who says, "So where is this going?" I mean, I don't need a commitment right now, I would just like to know that one is possible. Ugh. I hate this. Help!

Mamma Mia!

From Fenella:

Last night I went to a charity concert...an ABBA tribute band concert...on a Friday night...with my dad. Now, I like charitable causes, I like ABBA and I love my dad, but it was Friday night! Sitting there doing the 'Swedish finger dance' and watching a group of drunk thiry-something women make complete fools of themselves singing along to 'Mamma Mia' I began to take stock of what has become of my social life.

I don't have one. I did used to have a social life, I really did. There were times where I stayed out til the small hours of the morning, where my social calender was full up and where I looked forward to having a quiet night in after a week of social engagments. But now, all my evenings seem to be quiet nights in, or charity functions with my parents.

Delving deeper into this analysis during 'Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)' (yes please!) I had the shock realisation that after moving back home to live with my parents we have a routine. A routine. For example, Friday nights are risotto nights, Sunday nights are roast dinner nights, Monday night is when we watch 2 particular programmes on TV. What's worse, I've found that I like this routine and don't particulary like it if it gets disrupted.

And as for a dating life? Well, what dating life? 'Does Your Mother Know?' is the least applicable ABBA song for my life because I'm never out. And if I am, it's with my mother.

As they began the finale of 'Dancing Queen' and the group of drunk thirty-something women decided to try and storm the stage (I wish I was joking) I realised that something has to be done. Mainly, me moving out but until I get a job that's not going to happen so maybe I should just indulge the routine a little longer...

Tonight we're having the risotto because we didn't have it last night. And the live shows of The X-Factor start tonight (one of Simon Cowell's creations) so I'm set for Saturday night. There's no ABBA song to describe this so I'm going to have to switch to The Beatles: 'Help!'.

Denial. It isn't just a river in Egypt. Its a freakin' ocean.

I'm not really sure how it happened but somehow over the course of the past few months I've entered into an imaginary relationship. The problem is that I don't know how to get out of it. I know, I know it is quite simple. I have the power to break it off and not accept fuckwittage. In fact, that was one of my New Years Resolutions. This is all v. good in theory but in practice it is freakin' hard. Because yes I suspect I'm in love with my imaginary boyfriend.

At the beginning, this thing with MM seemed to have so much potential. After dates he would send me messages thanking me or telling me how much fun he had. We always had fun and laughed when we were together. We talked almost everyday and saw each other 3 or 4 times a week. However, after awhile we came to the conclusion that we weren't really at the same place. I wanted a relationship and he wasn't ready to take that step because he had just recently come out of a really bad relationship. However, since we both really liked each other and weren't ready to end it, we decided to continue seeing each other. I think this is when he officially stopped being a guy I was dating and became my imaginary boyfriend.

While MM wasn't ready to add a label to the relationship and he admitted that he was having some commitment problems, we had agreed that we wouldn't see other people while we were dating. It wasn't exactly the same thing as being in an "exclusive" relationship but it gave me some confidence in him. I decided to give him time. How much time will I give him you ask? I really don't know the answer to that. Perhaps I'll get a case of Fenella's rage and cut him off at some point?

We had another discussion about where we were before he left the country on business for a month and a half and unfortunately nothing has changed. MM told me that doesn't want to hurt me and he wants to be with me but he doesn't know when he will be ready to fully commit to me. He said that he felt like an ass and he doesn't want to be stringing me along when I clearly want something more. Since he was leaving in a few weeks we decided to continue hanging out till he left and then take a "break". The plan was that we would both think about what we want and then reevaluate things when he returned. In the mean time there was no reason that I shouldn't be able to see other people since he wasn't ready to commit to me.

The thing is that I don't actually WANT to see other people. Despite our problems there is just something about MM and I that works. MM gets me. I know guys can never truly understand girls but he notices little things about me that other people don't. He understands that I take his sarcastic comments seriously not because I don't know he is being sarcastic but because it amuses me. MM defends me. He admires me and encourages me to have more confidence in myself. MM cares about me. He is understanding and doesn't push me to do anything that I'm not comfortable with. And most importantly he makes me laugh.

So I continue, perhaps naively, to have hope that things will work out. Since MM has been gone he has been emailing me consistently. He tells me that he misses cuddling with me and the smell of my hair. That he didn't watch a movie with coworkers because he wanted to wait and watch it with me. He shares little mundane details about his days. MM talks about an "us" in the future.

I know Violet and Grayer are cynics and will tell me to get over him and move on. And they would probably be right. But the thing is I'm a romantic and even while I steady myself for the worst when he returns, deep down I want to believe my imaginary boyfriend will turn into a prince.

It could be worse: She could be Bridget's mum

Grayer mentioned in her last post that she recently had a breakthrough with our mother. The breakthrough came in the form of her actually saying to me on Sunday, "So, I'm supposed to ask you: How's your love life?" She asked, for the first time ever. (I'm well out of adolescence by this point, too.) Grayer and I had a few theories as to why she suddenly stepped up and asked (besides the fact that Gray told her if she wanted to know things, she needs to ask), one obviously being that we're not getting any younger. But I think the reason she asked had to do with our latest cell phone bill.

Last month, it seems Grayer and I were a bit out of control with the phones. Grayer went over her text limit, I went over my minutes. I have no idea how that happened, though, since I can talk to Scarlet for free and Highlander was never that interesting to talk to, let alone on the phone. Mom sent us a nice email informing us how much we owed her. I responded with the following:

Something to take into consideration: If you and dad want grandchildren (and I suspect you do), it would be wise of you to invest in our cell phone expenses. I don't know how things went down back in the day, but these days, it is literally impossible to date without texting, etc. Unless, of course, I were to date a federal inmate, but luckily, thanks to your EXEMPLARY parenting skills, I have much higher standards and no desire to do so. Just something to think about

That may sound like I was being my usual cheeky self, but I wasn't. I was being very, very serious. And I believe they took me seriously, since the next thing I knew, my dad was calling from the Verizon store, going over all the options to upgrade our family plan. Seriously, if parents are worried about their spinster daughters living out their days as spinsters, the best thing to do is invest in their phone plan. There is really no way to snag Mr. Right without unlimited texts.

I believe it was this email that prompted mom to stick her nose into Gray's and my love lives, as it was evidence that we apparently were dating. She has always been notoriously non-evasive, which isn't always a bad thing, but got to the point of ridiculousness. Take this for example: instead of asking Grayer if she was seeing anyone, while giving her a good-bye hug, our mom asked her, "Is anyone else hugging you?" It's an incident that lives on in family infamy. At least between us it does.

But hey, at least she's not running around with a Portuguese tour operator who carries a gentleman's hand bag.

The third

So here's a situation. Never in my dating history has this ever happened before. It's funny. It's awkward. And it's definitely creepy. Conrad's dad, has friended me on Facebook.

No, Conrad III and I have never met. (Did I not mention that Conrad was a IVth? No? I was probably blocking it out, thinking it's bad enough his name is Conrad). No, Conrad IV and I are not dating. So why, oh why, is #3 requesting to be friends with me via FB?? Good question! It's not because he friends anyone/everyone, he only has about 40. Its not because he friends all of his son's friends, I checked. Perhaps, curiousity got the best of him.

Everyone has different relationships with their parents when it comes to relationships. Conrad obviously talks to his. In fact, he just told me that once he started mentioning my name (in our early coworker days), his dad predicted a hookup. The third is no schlum. He's also very young. While perusing his Facebook page (that in itself is much too technologically advanced for my parental units) I realized that he graduated high school the year I was born (All the Conrads spawn young). It couldn't be more different with my parents. It was just today to that Violet and I had a major breakthrough with our mother. And that breakthrough came in the form of asking me "So, how is your love life?" So simple, yet so effective. For the first time she asked, and for the first time, I told.

Back to the problem at hand, Conrad III's request sits untouched in my account. Do I friend him? At first I thought this was hilarious, it was only a few weeks ago I teased Conrad IV that I was going to friend his father, when he commented on one of my wallposts. So after a good laugh, it finally occurred to me, that this is a bit creepy! Even his son thinks it's creepy, though he doesn't seem to care one way or another of the outcome. It's not really that big of deal, but what do I do when it comes to the third? To friend, or not to friend?

Happy Birthday, Scarlet!

...will have to face up to the fact that another entire year has gone by, during which everyone else except me has mutated into Smug Married, having children plop, plop, plop, left right and center and making hundreds of thousands of pounds and inroads into very hub of establishment, while I career rudderless and boyfriendless through dysfunctional relationships and professional stagnation.

We get October started off with a bang, as it is Scarlet's birthday. And really, Scarlet, there is absolutely no reason for you to feel like Bridget. First of all, not everyone has mutated into a Smug Married. Grayer and I certainly haven't. Just like not everyone is plopping out kids left, right, and center. Again, Grayer and I are shining examples of childlessness. And finally, not everyone is making hundreds and thousands of pounds. At last check, Grayer and I were still living at poverty level.

So remember, when everyone else around you seems to have all their shit together, and you realize that your life is getting more and more like Bridget's every day (because trust me, it does) just remember one thing: We're right there with you. Happy Birthday, m'dear!