The Land of Sex and Drugs

I've discovered something recently. My friend Ruth, a seemingly rational, confident, sane woman is quite the opposite when it comes to one thing: men.

Last week, Ruth had a lovely evening with a man she had had a few lovely evenings with, but this time with a different ending. This time, at the end of their evening, she invited him up for tea. Their platonic relationship became not-exactly-platonic. (And yes, "invited him up for tea" immediately became our favorite euphemism.) The evening did not include sex, but it did include a lot of other things much less innocent than drinking tea. He spent the night with her in her teeny, tiny, university-issued cot. So glad I don't live in a residence hall.

The next day, when I asked her how the evening went, she responded with "It's complicated." Thinking that there was some kind of Luigi-style over-sized baggage problems going on, I met up with her later. She told me everything that had happened. I couldn't figure out where the problem came in, so I asked. Her answer went something like this: Well, I didn't have sex with him, so he's never going to call me again. This statement made about as much sense as pouring milk before the cereal. (As in, no sense whatsoever, why would you ever do that?) There is no law stating that you have to have sex with everyone you invite up for tea. It's also not as if they had just met that evening in a pub, snogged in the bathroom, and started taking each other's clothes off in the taxi. They've actually been out a few times without the rest of the crew; if he were only interested in sex, he would have made a move by then. I asked her to remind me again where he was from. "Holland," she said. "The land of sex and drugs. He definitely won't call me."

I told her he would definitely call her.

She seemed to accept this. Then: But what are we going to do? My visa will expire, I have to go home. How is that going to work?

It was then that I realized that I was dealing with a crazy person. How does one go from "He's never going to call me because I didn't have sex with him" to "Ohmygod, we have to get married before my visa expires" in 30 seconds?

I very gently reminded her that 24 hours prior, she had never even so much as kissed this man, and that September is 6 months away. Let's focus on the second date before we start weighing the pros and cons of an international relationship versus a quick wedding to prevent deportation, shall we?

Despite my best efforts, she repeated the same concerns to Amelie the next day. Later, Amelie said to me. "That girl is CRAZY! She would marry him next week, wouldn't she?" Yes, I'm afraid she would.

I think her craziness is by no fault of her own. She is merely a product of her culture. Ruth is Arabic, and by Arabic standards, she is incredibly liberal. However, compared to the Western culture of Amelie and me, she's very conservative. This is the same girl that was shocked that I had kissed Luigi in a busy train station during rush hour. In her country, when you kiss someone, you kind of are practically engaged. Even married people don't kiss in public. And yes, Ruth has had boyfriends before, this isn't the first man she's ever "invited up for tea," but I do have a feeling that if it goes wrong, Amelie and I are going to have our work cut out for us.

A Social Experiment

"I'm a little perplexed by dating habits (if you can call them that) of British men. Here I thought all British men were Colin Firth/Hugh Grant types who learn another language and spontaneously fly to Portugal to ask their lady loves to marriage them. It's like the movies aren't real or something."

Vi, as usual, has hit the nail on the head.

I'm very proud of the fact that my blogging means that WWBD? is international. But this comes at a cost. I have to ruin the Colin Firth/Hugh Grant/Mark Darcy/Mr Darcy dream. It doesn't exist. At all. Or rather, they don't exist, at all. Oh the accent exists. But when you hear it you automatically think 'snob' or 'public school'. Public school over here is not a good thing. Public school types are conceited and arrogant and not in the good Mr Darcy type way.

And now for the dating habits of British men. They don't exist either. A guy over here has NEVER asked for my number. I am forever jealous of Vi's emails where she mentions a guy who asks for her number and then, actually calls. Reference: Popcorn Man. This is how it works in the UK:
* Guy and girl meet in bar
* Copious amounts of alcohol is consumed
* Guy and girl start flirting
* Some type of physical action occurs
* Numbers are exchanged
* Congratulations! You know have a boyfriend / girlfriend. (This may only last for a few hours)
Sometimes you meet up again and then start getting to know each other. There is no (sober) interaction involving friendly chat and then the guy takes your number. I'm sure there is the odd occasion where this does occur- I've yet to witness or experience it.

It's extremely frustrating. I would love for a guy to ask for my number. Even if I wasn't interested I would just like it to happen. I would also like to try the American way of dating. Yes, I'm sure it has its pitfalls, but it seems a heck of a lot better then the system we have over here.

What makes it even more frustrating for me when reading Vi's emails is that I like American men. I don't get the appeal of the British guy (except Mark Darcy, but he is, sadly, a literary figure), they're scrawny and have a severe lack confidence amongst other things. But an American guy? Yes please! You may disagree but they do say that the grass is always greener.

You may think that my opinion on American guys is unfounded and I'm not cutting British guys much slack. So it seems only fair that I conduct a social experiment - and I have a degree in Sociology so I can conduct social experiments. This time tomorrow I will be on a plane heading to the US for the first time in 10 years. Not only am I visiting the wonderful Violet but she has said, nay promised, that I will get to meet lots of cute American men. I can chat to them, see if they really are the confident and funny guys I think they are. I can also see if they actually do this asking for your number thing I hear so many things about (obviously not mine as my weird accent will give it away I'm not from those parts, but I could observe it happening to others).

So I will make the effort to talk to cute guys and report back to you all. It's all in the name of WWBD? Not for personal enjoyment or anything. And I am sorry to ruin the 'British Man Fantasy'. Really I am.

Question of the Week: When is a date a date?

If I'm going to be stuck in the office waiting to meet up with friends then I may as well put my time to good use!

Over lunch a couple days ago I was discussing the WW situation with a work friend. NB: this entry is not about WW. I am not over obsessing. The conversation about him was merely the catalyst for this entry. My work friend said that WW and myself are going on a date on Sunday. I said it wasn't a date. She asked why it wasn't a date. I said because if I think it's a date and then nothing date-like happens I'll feel disappointed and stupid. "Besides," said I, "we're just friends going to the cinema. How is that a date?" Work friend retorts: "You're a girl. He's a boy. You kissed last time you met up. Now you're going to the cinema. It's a date." Hmmm...this got me thinking. Now I'm still insisting that Sunday is not a date, but, when is a date a date?

I raised this issue with Vi last night during a quickie skype conversation. I thought that Vi would be able to give me a straightforward answer as she is very wise. However, she was unable to. It would appear that defining a date is very murky territory.

Firstly, we have geographical issues. The idea of what constitutes a date probably differs between the US and the UK. The US is way bigger on 'dating' that over here. Dating over here pretty much consists of getting drunk and kissing someone and then possibly meeting up with them later. Sound familiar...? Seriously though, US dating seems to be much more about seeing each, then having THE CONVERSATION, etc. Then we have regional geographical issues. Vi very rightly commented that she lives in the south. This equals the southern gentleman. So if a southern gentleman were to act in what other people might think of as a 'dating fashion' this might not be the case, it might be because he's just a southern gentleman.

Secondly, we have dating behaviour issues. Vi and I agreed that if the guy pays (or at least offers to pay) then that's a date. Which means that you might not be able to tell if it's a date until you're actually on the date. It also means that the first time I had lunch with Fergus it wasn't a date...

Thirdly, we have venue/activity issues. It would appear that the general consensus is that going for drinks with a guy doesn't necessarily equal a date. But, going to the cinema? Date. Yet no one is able to confirm why this is. Surely drinks is more date like as you have to talk to each other? Another work friend commented that if it's drinks/dinner and the cinema then it's "so a date."

Thoughts? This is just for fun. You can't go round obsessing every time you meet up with a guy if it's date. That's not healthy. If you are however left wondering whether your planned meet up with a guy is a date I shall leave you with some words of wisdom from yet another work friend (it became quite a big discussion in our department this afternoon): if you're meeting up with a guy and you're not sure it's a date, imagine that you had a boyfriend. (Are you imagining?) Now, think of where you and your guy friend are going (i.e. cinema / drinks / the zoo). Do you think your boyfriend would be happy / comfortable with this? (Obviously this would vary depending on how possessive your imaginary boyfriend is). If the answer is no. It's a date.

The pursuit of Available Straight Men without Mommy Issues

This post is kind of in response to Grayer’s post on Oct 23, 2008. I’m of course also an advocate for straight available guys but I find that I attract a completely different subset of guys than Grayer. While I have come in contact with my share of Men of Questionable Orientation (MQO) and the taken, these men do not often pursue me.

For the last couple of years I’ve found myself primarily attracting Indian men. (I admit that this may be partially due to circumstances since a good portion of my friends in grad school were Indian.) This was fine at first but then I discovered there are issues and complications associated with dating someone from another culture that make dating all the more difficult. For example, the Premature “I love you” guy lied to our mutual friends and said that we weren’t dating. He told them “What would his parents think?!?!” On the other hand, he told me that his parents were very open and accepting.* I don’t know about you but I don’t particularly appreciate being lied to or feeling like a guy’s dirty secret. Since my experience with the Premature “I love you” guy, I have sworn off dating Indian guys. I know it may sound harsh but I saw a pattern and decided that it was in my best interest to cut myself off while I was ahead. So far I have stood by this decision.

What do you think it is that draws these particular groups of men to particular women? Is it purely due to the settings we find ourselves in or is there more to it? Is there a nature vs. nurture component to dating? Should we be putting ourselves into different settings to attract men more to our liking?

*Note: One of the last times I saw the Premature “I love you” guy he told me his parents were pressuring him to get married and they were lining up some nice Indian girls for him to meet on his visit home. While I'm completely over him, it is weird to think that someone I dated may have an arranged marriage.