The men of online dating

Lets face it once we enter the real world (aka the post college years) there are fewer opportunities to meet single men. While some women are advocates of meeting men at bars, I find that I’m somewhat turned off by drunk guys hitting on me. So a while back I decided to try online dating. I figured that at the very least it would be amusing and I’d have some good stories. In theory I think that online dating is an excellent idea but sadly in practice I found that a majority of the guys fit into one of three categories.

1. The Socially Awkward. Online dating is, of course, the best medium for the socially awkward man. These men are usually harmless but it may be difficult to hold a conversation with them. Phone calls and dates with these men are plagued with awkward pauses. Be prepared to carry the conversation and try not to look at your watch too much. The socially awkward is often synonymous with the “never been had” (coined by Grayer). On the up side, men in this category are not likely to use up many of your guapo points!
2. God’s Gift to Women. Men in this category are typically overly confident and immature. As God’s gift to women they feel that it is their duty to play the field and date as many women as possible. Often their profiles include shirtless pictures and sexually suggestive comments. (Some are more subtle than others. This category also includes the type of guy who would include a joke like “No, that’s not a banana in my pocket. I’m just that excited to see you.” in his profile.) Over inflated egos may result in unrealistically high expectations. Don’t be offended if one of these men rejects you. He is doing you a favor. Do not waste guapo points on God’s gift to women. I had a conversation with God and he said you can do better!
3. The Work Obsessed. Perhaps the most illusive and unpredictable men of online dating are the work obsessed. In my experience these men would appear to be most normal of the online dating pool. They are also the least responsive but when they do write their messages are witty and interesting (just enough to fuel your daydreams and keep you coming back for more). The work obsessed joins an online dating service because they don’t have time to meet anyone. Unfortunately, they have trouble adjusting their priorities to make time for a girlfriend. In the unlikely event that the work obsessed commits to a date, be prepared for heartache. Even if the date goes well there is a danger that the work obsessed will choose something else over you. These men are my weakness. The optimist in me still believes that for the right girl the work obsessed would alter his priorities somewhat.

I am taking a break from online dating (it is very time consuming), but I encourage you to try it for yourself. It is not nearly as taboo as it once was and it allows you to take a more proactive stance on dating. However, be prepared to sift through a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now if that is your objective.

The pursuit of Available Straight Men without Mommy Issues

This post is kind of in response to Grayer’s post on Oct 23, 2008. I’m of course also an advocate for straight available guys but I find that I attract a completely different subset of guys than Grayer. While I have come in contact with my share of Men of Questionable Orientation (MQO) and the taken, these men do not often pursue me.

For the last couple of years I’ve found myself primarily attracting Indian men. (I admit that this may be partially due to circumstances since a good portion of my friends in grad school were Indian.) This was fine at first but then I discovered there are issues and complications associated with dating someone from another culture that make dating all the more difficult. For example, the Premature “I love you” guy lied to our mutual friends and said that we weren’t dating. He told them “What would his parents think?!?!” On the other hand, he told me that his parents were very open and accepting.* I don’t know about you but I don’t particularly appreciate being lied to or feeling like a guy’s dirty secret. Since my experience with the Premature “I love you” guy, I have sworn off dating Indian guys. I know it may sound harsh but I saw a pattern and decided that it was in my best interest to cut myself off while I was ahead. So far I have stood by this decision.

What do you think it is that draws these particular groups of men to particular women? Is it purely due to the settings we find ourselves in or is there more to it? Is there a nature vs. nurture component to dating? Should we be putting ourselves into different settings to attract men more to our liking?

*Note: One of the last times I saw the Premature “I love you” guy he told me his parents were pressuring him to get married and they were lining up some nice Indian girls for him to meet on his visit home. While I'm completely over him, it is weird to think that someone I dated may have an arranged marriage.

Ego Suave

I'd like to present a new category of heartbreakers; more concrete than our beloved imaginary fellows, more trendy than the always interesting McNerdy, and disgustingly more moody than any McDreamy gracing my presence. This subset of male takes romance seriously, but can't pay the bill at the end of the night. This moocher behavior is only right in his mind, for he is an unpublished writer... An Artist! Supporting himself with a dead end part-time job would only cause him to fester in the open sore of regular, uninspired society. This male makes up for his complete inadequacy in every day life by being a self-righteous egotist concerning his intelligence. He wants to be successful and capable but struggles to actually work for those characteristics.

Unfortunately, his attractive features, including eyes, smile, and romanesque physique complicate the situation. His romantic nature and absolute love for cuddling and holding hands don't help either. As a boyfriend, this inadequate self-righteous egotist is perfect. He intelligently thinks through most problems and deeply understands feminine nature. His support and encouragement are endless. Yet, they ended.

I'm sure the reader recognizes a ranting woman when they read one. After a sudden and unexpected let go by the above described, I'm entitled to rant (and cry and sob, be moody and unpredictable, underfeed and overly drink). The egotist has a habit of complete devotion for one year- then quickly exiting the premises. In this case it lasted a year and a few months, but I wasn't counting. His impossible nature only makes me sigh (sob) now in remorse.

So ladies, when ego suave catches your eye at a bar or party and romances the hell out of you with wit and good looks, smile and tell him your interest lies elsewhere. If you feel yourself getting pulled into paying for a drink, a meal, or his rent, laugh and say 'good luck with your art'! Sport your independence and strength like you are an american gladiator. Keep your money in your red white and blue onesy while you're at it. Then go flirt with the sexy and interesting friends he attracts!

Now accepting applications for Single, Straight males. Minimal experience: 1 year

I've recently realized that all the men I have knowingly attracted, can easily be placed into three sad categories.

1. Men of Questionable Orientation (MQOs). I don't know what it is but if a guy is possibly/probably gay, I somehow become the object of his hearts desire. This has been a trend since high school, when seemingly flamboyant boys became publicly interested in me. For some of them, who later came out of the closet, I think its all for show. They pick the girl least likely to go for them and "pine away" for her for years. But I still don't understand it. Is it me? Do I remind them of the ones they truly want to be with. Am I masculine in some unknown way? One thing for certain, MQOs are not good for the self-esteem.
   
2. The Taken. A more recent revelation are the guys with girlfriends. Maybe its the whole "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome, but I appeal more to them than perfectly available boys. I don't play completely innocent on this one, I may have encouraged this a time or two, but I do not approve of cheaters. The good thing about this category, is that it can produce really great guys, although the very recent ex can be quite a problem. In fact, after breaking up with their respective girlfriends, my exboyfriend and ex-imaginary boyfriend started seeing me. The bad thing about this category is I fear that it has given me bad dating karma. And let's face it, in the world of dating, a girl needs all the good karma she can get.
3. The Never Been Had. By far the saddest and most predominate category, Never Been Hads are complete relationship virgins. These guys have never dated a girl, been intimate with a girl, or sometimes even talked to a girl in person. This also started in high school, when AIM conversations turned into flowers on my birthday and bad poetry in history class. Even now these guys are "dating" me without my knowledge, dishing to my closest friends that they like me, asking me out for coffee, but only over Facebook. Its all very middle school. I feel bad for these guys, but in no way do I ever want to date them. Never Been Hads may also give me bad karma as gently turning them down, or avoiding them altogether, is completely necessary.

My search continues for a man who is actually into girls, but only one at a time. One who has prior relationship experience, but is not hung up on these prior relationships. I swear asking for another category, one in which I am attracted to, is not too much to ask as I am not that picky. However, I fear this fabled hero is exactly that; completely fictional.