The men of online dating

Lets face it once we enter the real world (aka the post college years) there are fewer opportunities to meet single men. While some women are advocates of meeting men at bars, I find that I’m somewhat turned off by drunk guys hitting on me. So a while back I decided to try online dating. I figured that at the very least it would be amusing and I’d have some good stories. In theory I think that online dating is an excellent idea but sadly in practice I found that a majority of the guys fit into one of three categories.

1. The Socially Awkward. Online dating is, of course, the best medium for the socially awkward man. These men are usually harmless but it may be difficult to hold a conversation with them. Phone calls and dates with these men are plagued with awkward pauses. Be prepared to carry the conversation and try not to look at your watch too much. The socially awkward is often synonymous with the “never been had” (coined by Grayer). On the up side, men in this category are not likely to use up many of your guapo points!
2. God’s Gift to Women. Men in this category are typically overly confident and immature. As God’s gift to women they feel that it is their duty to play the field and date as many women as possible. Often their profiles include shirtless pictures and sexually suggestive comments. (Some are more subtle than others. This category also includes the type of guy who would include a joke like “No, that’s not a banana in my pocket. I’m just that excited to see you.” in his profile.) Over inflated egos may result in unrealistically high expectations. Don’t be offended if one of these men rejects you. He is doing you a favor. Do not waste guapo points on God’s gift to women. I had a conversation with God and he said you can do better!
3. The Work Obsessed. Perhaps the most illusive and unpredictable men of online dating are the work obsessed. In my experience these men would appear to be most normal of the online dating pool. They are also the least responsive but when they do write their messages are witty and interesting (just enough to fuel your daydreams and keep you coming back for more). The work obsessed joins an online dating service because they don’t have time to meet anyone. Unfortunately, they have trouble adjusting their priorities to make time for a girlfriend. In the unlikely event that the work obsessed commits to a date, be prepared for heartache. Even if the date goes well there is a danger that the work obsessed will choose something else over you. These men are my weakness. The optimist in me still believes that for the right girl the work obsessed would alter his priorities somewhat.

I am taking a break from online dating (it is very time consuming), but I encourage you to try it for yourself. It is not nearly as taboo as it once was and it allows you to take a more proactive stance on dating. However, be prepared to sift through a lot of guys before you find Mr. Right or even Mr. Right Now if that is your objective.

Now accepting applications for Single, Straight males. Minimal experience: 1 year

I've recently realized that all the men I have knowingly attracted, can easily be placed into three sad categories.

1. Men of Questionable Orientation (MQOs). I don't know what it is but if a guy is possibly/probably gay, I somehow become the object of his hearts desire. This has been a trend since high school, when seemingly flamboyant boys became publicly interested in me. For some of them, who later came out of the closet, I think its all for show. They pick the girl least likely to go for them and "pine away" for her for years. But I still don't understand it. Is it me? Do I remind them of the ones they truly want to be with. Am I masculine in some unknown way? One thing for certain, MQOs are not good for the self-esteem.
   
2. The Taken. A more recent revelation are the guys with girlfriends. Maybe its the whole "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome, but I appeal more to them than perfectly available boys. I don't play completely innocent on this one, I may have encouraged this a time or two, but I do not approve of cheaters. The good thing about this category, is that it can produce really great guys, although the very recent ex can be quite a problem. In fact, after breaking up with their respective girlfriends, my exboyfriend and ex-imaginary boyfriend started seeing me. The bad thing about this category is I fear that it has given me bad dating karma. And let's face it, in the world of dating, a girl needs all the good karma she can get.
3. The Never Been Had. By far the saddest and most predominate category, Never Been Hads are complete relationship virgins. These guys have never dated a girl, been intimate with a girl, or sometimes even talked to a girl in person. This also started in high school, when AIM conversations turned into flowers on my birthday and bad poetry in history class. Even now these guys are "dating" me without my knowledge, dishing to my closest friends that they like me, asking me out for coffee, but only over Facebook. Its all very middle school. I feel bad for these guys, but in no way do I ever want to date them. Never Been Hads may also give me bad karma as gently turning them down, or avoiding them altogether, is completely necessary.

My search continues for a man who is actually into girls, but only one at a time. One who has prior relationship experience, but is not hung up on these prior relationships. I swear asking for another category, one in which I am attracted to, is not too much to ask as I am not that picky. However, I fear this fabled hero is exactly that; completely fictional.