The Cute Neighbor spent last night here since there was nothing but dust in his apartment to sleep on. Normally, we need separate sides of the bed to sleep, but not last night. In the morning, I went off to work while he went to tie up a few loose ends. On my way home from work at noon, I couldn't stop crying, not because of the cute neighbor, but because a student of mine had just turned in an essay about coming out of the closet to his parents, who in turn told him not to tell anyone about it and have not acknowledged it since. First of all, I was extremely saddened by the fact that they just can't accept their own son for who he is, but I was also struck by the fact that he had confided in me like this, since I certainly didn't know this piece of information before, and I don't know who else does.
But back to the cute neighbor. We had a long, tearful goodbye. The tears were all mine, but at one point, I actually thought he might be fighting back some too. This may sound terrible, but it was slightly comforting to see how torn up he was over our separation. It's always good to know when you feel the same way. He assured me he was just as sad to be leaving me, and that I was the best thing about this city and he would do everything he could to arrange his summer schedule to include a trip east. I'm very glad to know this, but it only made me cry harder.
After he had left, I curled up on my bed and let it out for awhile. I wasn't quite sure how to stop. Even as I write this, the waterworks have turned back on. There just seems to be a hole somewhere, and I'm not sure quite how to fill it up. Part of me feels silly for feeling this way. We haven't broken up, and we still have phones to talk to each other. But it still hurts.
Luckily, the family that I nanny for is out of town this week, so I can house-sit and take care of the cat in solitude. Of course, as always seems to happen in these situations, every song on the radio seemed a little too significant, and got me started up all over again. REM's "Everybody Hurts", Green Day's "Good Riddance," and the one that for some reason always gets me choked up no matter what: "Somewhere Only We Know."
This could be the end of everything/so why don't we go somewhere only we know...
When I got home tonight, all I wanted to do was curl up on the sofa and watch the saddest episodes of Grey's Anatomy, but I realized that not only did I not have any food, but I was also completely out of toilet paper, which was bad enough in of itself, but it also meant I had no tissues with which to blow my constantly running nose. I put my sunglasses over my swollen eyes and headed out to the grocery store, passing the cute neighbor's empty apartment on the way.
The problem with going food shopping at a time like this, is that I don't actually buy anything with which I can actually prepare a meal. The cute neighbor took my appetite with him, so I wasn't much interested in anything. Although aside from the much-needed toilet paper, I did manage to buy some wine and coffee heath bar crunch ice cream. I think that will hold me over for awhile. I'm still going back and forth between whether or not I want to be alone to wallow in my sorrow, or if I want someone to come over with Chinese take-out, more wine, and a movie. I just don't know.
I know it will all work itself out in the end. If it was meant to be it will be, etc. etc. But knowing that doesn't make today and probably tomorrow, and most especially this weekend just really, really suck. Luckily my sunglasses are really large and Fenella says I can totally rock the Audrey Hepburn look.
And yes, it will all work itself out in the end. As William Shakespeare once said in A Midsummer Night's Dream, "The course of true love never did run smooth." Damn, that guy was good.
