You know all those people you see doing crazy things while driving? Like putting on their make-up or reading a book, or texting? (I saw someone texting and driving the other day; it made me so mad.) Well, I've got one that will top them all. While driving home from work today on a major interstate, in broad daylight, I noticed the man behind me in my rearview mirror was clearly masturbating. How do I know? His hands were most definitely not at the 10 and 2 position if you know what I mean, and his left (he's a lefty!) arm was involved in some very vigorous action. There's really only one thing he could have been doing.
It was like a train wreck. I wanted to look away, and I had to look away as I was driving at 70mph and did not want to die in a firey car wreck, all thanks to a driving masturbater. Was he listening to something saucy on the radio? Perhaps an erotic audio book? Or does he just get off on weaving in and out of traffic? Luckily, the world may never know...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Lost in a sea of unavailable men
This evening I followed the ex-IB to a home-based brewery, not because I like beer (I don't), but for some socializing. (Told you I was going to use him to meet new people.) From the outside, it looked to be an ideal situation for me. I was one of maybe 4 women in attendance, with at least 30 twenty-something men. How lucky could a girl get? Not that lucky, apparently. It felt like all but 3 or 4 of them were married. (Including McNerdy who is clearly damaged goods.) And the small handful of single men were probably under the impression that I was there with him. I mean technically I was, but we weren't together. Which begs the question: How do you hang out in public with a guy friend and make it known you're still available? (And in case you're wondering, I was not glued to his side all night, I did manage to mingle with several other men without him around, albeit ones with rings on their fingers. Argh.)
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Playing the Friend Card
My current roommate is an old friend of my ex Imaginary Boyfriend (or McNerdy). The other day, we were enjoying a slice at our neighborhood pizza joint when suddenly, out of the blue, she asked, "Have you ever dated McNerdy?"
"Um, well, yes. Why do you ask?"
Turns out, another friend of theirs admitted to having dated him, but only long after their romance ended. And he certainly never mentions to ANYONE that a friend might be more than a friend, which is why my roommate posed the question in the first place. You won't get that information from him. That's when I pointed out what I've noticed over the last few months. I had always known that an unusually large percentage of his closest friends are female (including yours truly) but now that I've met a few of them or at least seen photos of the others, I've noticed that they also happen to be very attractive. Not supermodels, mind you, but more attractive than the average-looking person. I pointed this out to my roommate, who agreed, (apparently we both have very high opinions of ourselves) then we both wondered, "So how many of them has he dated?" (In case you're wondering, he has never dated my roommate.) Also turns out we both suspect he has a thing for a co-worker of his. She has a boyfriend, but does he accumulate attractive female friends hoping to play the friend card for awhile, then swoop in to pick up the pieces when their current relationships go up in flames? It just so happens that I was in a relationship when I met McNerdy. Sure enough, as soon as things were officially over, there he was, cashing in his friend card and being all sweet and sensitive.
Perhaps the roomie and I should start asking his friends as we meet them about their relationship history. I am determined to get to the bottom of this.
"Um, well, yes. Why do you ask?"
Turns out, another friend of theirs admitted to having dated him, but only long after their romance ended. And he certainly never mentions to ANYONE that a friend might be more than a friend, which is why my roommate posed the question in the first place. You won't get that information from him. That's when I pointed out what I've noticed over the last few months. I had always known that an unusually large percentage of his closest friends are female (including yours truly) but now that I've met a few of them or at least seen photos of the others, I've noticed that they also happen to be very attractive. Not supermodels, mind you, but more attractive than the average-looking person. I pointed this out to my roommate, who agreed, (apparently we both have very high opinions of ourselves) then we both wondered, "So how many of them has he dated?" (In case you're wondering, he has never dated my roommate.) Also turns out we both suspect he has a thing for a co-worker of his. She has a boyfriend, but does he accumulate attractive female friends hoping to play the friend card for awhile, then swoop in to pick up the pieces when their current relationships go up in flames? It just so happens that I was in a relationship when I met McNerdy. Sure enough, as soon as things were officially over, there he was, cashing in his friend card and being all sweet and sensitive.
Perhaps the roomie and I should start asking his friends as we meet them about their relationship history. I am determined to get to the bottom of this.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Predator vs. Prey
Smug marrieds. The vain of my existence. The thorn in my side. The pain in my arse. The reason I need new friends.
I was recently out for celebratory margaritas with my two friends, 8-year-Lisa and 2 year Mary. They are not married, but they do have the smug married mindset. Lisa loves to live vicariously through me, a sure Vicarious Vulture asking for all details of a makeout sesh, while Mary is more of a Pitier, feeling sorry for anyone who hasn't found that special someone.
We got to talking about some of our coworkers, including our one friend Nate. He's a really nice guy, who happens to be the one and only single male we work with. Now, we have long since past them trying to get him and I together (Apparently to them, if a single man and a single woman even so much as know each other, then surely they should date for many years. What else is there to do with your life?) but somehow his single status returned to the conversation. Mary, who has a habit of asking dumb questions, asked one of the dumbest I've ever heard.
"Why do you think Nate is single?"
Hold the phone. Now we have to have reasons for being single??? What the hell?!
My response: "There's no reason. Why do you think I'm single?"
The prey immediately knows she is in danger of an attack as she slinks back into her chair. "Um, because you're not currently looking and haven't found anyone yet...." She trails off with a softened voice. The predator eyes her prey, as Lisa swoops into rescue the vulnerable with a joke. Mary stumbles to save herself, begging for her life, mumbling something about people needing time to themselves. Time to be single, to become confident and comfortable with themselves before they can be comfortable with anyone else. My eyes narrow.
Are you freaking kidding me?? This little girl next to me, who happens to be in therapy, is telling me that I need to be more comfortable and confident. Come on. Even the delusional 8-year-Lisa knows this is bogus. "Right, like Grayer needs more confidence." Exactly. I continue to lock eyes with my prey. I taste her fear. I sense her weakness, but slowly I retreat. I have Singletons to represent, so let's not release the crazy in my new favorite Mexican restaurant. Mary may have a point for all those serial monogamist who are never without another half. But I am not that girl. There is no particular reason I am single, I just am. And if I'm ok with that, smug marrieds should be too. What bothers me most about this question is that I can guarantee that in my absence, Mary has asked the exact same question about me.
I had to will myself to back off from pouncing on my prey. No sense in dragging the good Singleton name through the mud. So I sipped my margarita as I chose my words very carefully, in response to her ridiculous accusations.
"That is such a load of crap."
I was recently out for celebratory margaritas with my two friends, 8-year-Lisa and 2 year Mary. They are not married, but they do have the smug married mindset. Lisa loves to live vicariously through me, a sure Vicarious Vulture asking for all details of a makeout sesh, while Mary is more of a Pitier, feeling sorry for anyone who hasn't found that special someone.
We got to talking about some of our coworkers, including our one friend Nate. He's a really nice guy, who happens to be the one and only single male we work with. Now, we have long since past them trying to get him and I together (Apparently to them, if a single man and a single woman even so much as know each other, then surely they should date for many years. What else is there to do with your life?) but somehow his single status returned to the conversation. Mary, who has a habit of asking dumb questions, asked one of the dumbest I've ever heard.
"Why do you think Nate is single?"
Hold the phone. Now we have to have reasons for being single??? What the hell?!
My response: "There's no reason. Why do you think I'm single?"
The prey immediately knows she is in danger of an attack as she slinks back into her chair. "Um, because you're not currently looking and haven't found anyone yet...." She trails off with a softened voice. The predator eyes her prey, as Lisa swoops into rescue the vulnerable with a joke. Mary stumbles to save herself, begging for her life, mumbling something about people needing time to themselves. Time to be single, to become confident and comfortable with themselves before they can be comfortable with anyone else. My eyes narrow.
Are you freaking kidding me?? This little girl next to me, who happens to be in therapy, is telling me that I need to be more comfortable and confident. Come on. Even the delusional 8-year-Lisa knows this is bogus. "Right, like Grayer needs more confidence." Exactly. I continue to lock eyes with my prey. I taste her fear. I sense her weakness, but slowly I retreat. I have Singletons to represent, so let's not release the crazy in my new favorite Mexican restaurant. Mary may have a point for all those serial monogamist who are never without another half. But I am not that girl. There is no particular reason I am single, I just am. And if I'm ok with that, smug marrieds should be too. What bothers me most about this question is that I can guarantee that in my absence, Mary has asked the exact same question about me.
I had to will myself to back off from pouncing on my prey. No sense in dragging the good Singleton name through the mud. So I sipped my margarita as I chose my words very carefully, in response to her ridiculous accusations.
"That is such a load of crap."
Monday, March 2, 2009
My name is Grayer..and I'm a closet commitment phobe
Be prepared, I'm going deep on this one.
I've recently been advised, by the great ladies of WWBD?, to figure out where my hanging out relationship is going exactly. Hanging Out Guy grows on me every time I see him, but to have an actual conversation about what this thing we're doing is? Ugh. That sounds awful. The problem is, is that I'm not ready for that type of commitment. (Yes, I do realize that I often have the emotions of a man). I'm not ready to stop seeing him, but I'm definitely not ready to call him my boyfriend. Therefore, I would have no answer for him. And seeing that an Imaginary Boyfriend (what this is quickly turning into) is the worse scenario possible, I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I can think of many excuses as to why I'm ok with where we are right now, but that's just what they are: excuses. In reality, it comes down to one thing, just like it has every in any other pseudo-relationship: poor timing. Every time I've ever met someone worth my time, there has always been a looming change, usually in the form of a move, in the near future. So from the very beginning I have known or at least I have planned, that these relationships weren't going anywhere. Why fully invest yourself into something with no future? It's happening all over again with Hanging Out Guy as I will definitely be graduating and most likely be moving within this calendar year.
So the question is, why does this always happen to me? Is it karma? We all know karma is a bitch, and let's face it, I've done some shit. Is karma preventing me from meeting a guy when I actually have time to invest into a guy? Or is it me? Do I only allow myself to be emotionally available when I know nothing can come out of it? Am I... a closet commitment-phobe?
I may be getting ahead of myself with this particular case, but historically speaking, there is strong evidence for this correlation. It would explain a lot. In my defense, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I wonder if there's a support group for this sort of thing...
I've recently been advised, by the great ladies of WWBD?, to figure out where my hanging out relationship is going exactly. Hanging Out Guy grows on me every time I see him, but to have an actual conversation about what this thing we're doing is? Ugh. That sounds awful. The problem is, is that I'm not ready for that type of commitment. (Yes, I do realize that I often have the emotions of a man). I'm not ready to stop seeing him, but I'm definitely not ready to call him my boyfriend. Therefore, I would have no answer for him. And seeing that an Imaginary Boyfriend (what this is quickly turning into) is the worse scenario possible, I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I can think of many excuses as to why I'm ok with where we are right now, but that's just what they are: excuses. In reality, it comes down to one thing, just like it has every in any other pseudo-relationship: poor timing. Every time I've ever met someone worth my time, there has always been a looming change, usually in the form of a move, in the near future. So from the very beginning I have known or at least I have planned, that these relationships weren't going anywhere. Why fully invest yourself into something with no future? It's happening all over again with Hanging Out Guy as I will definitely be graduating and most likely be moving within this calendar year.
So the question is, why does this always happen to me? Is it karma? We all know karma is a bitch, and let's face it, I've done some shit. Is karma preventing me from meeting a guy when I actually have time to invest into a guy? Or is it me? Do I only allow myself to be emotionally available when I know nothing can come out of it? Am I... a closet commitment-phobe?
I may be getting ahead of myself with this particular case, but historically speaking, there is strong evidence for this correlation. It would explain a lot. In my defense, admitting you have a problem is the first step. I wonder if there's a support group for this sort of thing...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Question of the Week: New Year's follow-up
It's March 1, which seems a good time to reassess those New Year's Resolutions (whether we believe in them or not) and check out progress.
As for mine...
I will...
-get a job. A real one, with health insurance. (Preferably in the first two months of the year.)
Not only did I get a job, I got three, and the two major ones were on the very last day of the second month of the year. Talk about bringing it down to the wire. None of them offer benefits, but I think I can take care of that. I would really enjoy the freedom of spraining my ankle or accidentally cutting myself in the kitchen and being able to go to the ER for that.
-buy new underwear, as has been so long since anyone saw my underwear, it is probably all out of style
As soon as I get that first paycheck, I'm going out on a true panty raid. I really think there is something to be said about underwear feng shui.
-find a way to tame the frizzies in my hair
Turns out it wasn't completely impossible (but I haven't yet gone through the southern summer). With a bit of a haircut, a combination of SunSilk anti-poof shampoo and captivating curl leave-in creme, (or straighten-up conditioner, a hair dryer and flat iron if I want to go straight) my hair actually looks pretty damn good. I know so because a hair snob friend of mine told me so, and she is brutally honest about that sort of thing.
-say yes to all date offers, no matter what my initial opinion of the offerer
I'm new in town, but now that I have employment and will soon have new panties, I will get started on this one ASAP.
I will not..
-have any imaginary boyfriend, but instead form a functional, two-sided relationship with a real member of the opposite sex (therefore having a purpose for the new knickers)
I've been hanging out with my imaginary ex a lot, but it's strictly platonic on every possible level. Besides, in the year+ that I've been gone, he's become quite the social butterfly. I need him to expand my social circle.
-Spend hours analyzing the body language and the "hidden meaning" in the words spoken by eligible bachelors with Scarlet, but instead find various other topics to spend hours talking about, like, um... politics?
I think we're making excellent progress on this one.
-not get angry with mum when she asks me stupid questions like, "Have you changed your sheets lately?" as if I am an 8-year old incapable of taking care of myself, but instead use it as an opportunity to find my inner zen-like qualities
Moving to a different state definitely improved this one drastically.
-judge eligible bachelors by the number of tattoos or holes in their bodies, academic credentials, political beliefs, or their baseball team of choice, but rather be open and simply grit my teeth while they list all the reasons why Derek Jeter is a "true Yankee."
This is still a work in progress, but thanks to A-Rod, Jeter has not had a chance to annoy me at all this spring. Progress!
As for mine...
I will...
-get a job. A real one, with health insurance. (Preferably in the first two months of the year.)
Not only did I get a job, I got three, and the two major ones were on the very last day of the second month of the year. Talk about bringing it down to the wire. None of them offer benefits, but I think I can take care of that. I would really enjoy the freedom of spraining my ankle or accidentally cutting myself in the kitchen and being able to go to the ER for that.
-buy new underwear, as has been so long since anyone saw my underwear, it is probably all out of style
As soon as I get that first paycheck, I'm going out on a true panty raid. I really think there is something to be said about underwear feng shui.
-find a way to tame the frizzies in my hair
Turns out it wasn't completely impossible (but I haven't yet gone through the southern summer). With a bit of a haircut, a combination of SunSilk anti-poof shampoo and captivating curl leave-in creme, (or straighten-up conditioner, a hair dryer and flat iron if I want to go straight) my hair actually looks pretty damn good. I know so because a hair snob friend of mine told me so, and she is brutally honest about that sort of thing.
-say yes to all date offers, no matter what my initial opinion of the offerer
I'm new in town, but now that I have employment and will soon have new panties, I will get started on this one ASAP.
I will not..
-have any imaginary boyfriend, but instead form a functional, two-sided relationship with a real member of the opposite sex (therefore having a purpose for the new knickers)
I've been hanging out with my imaginary ex a lot, but it's strictly platonic on every possible level. Besides, in the year+ that I've been gone, he's become quite the social butterfly. I need him to expand my social circle.
-Spend hours analyzing the body language and the "hidden meaning" in the words spoken by eligible bachelors with Scarlet, but instead find various other topics to spend hours talking about, like, um... politics?
I think we're making excellent progress on this one.
-not get angry with mum when she asks me stupid questions like, "Have you changed your sheets lately?" as if I am an 8-year old incapable of taking care of myself, but instead use it as an opportunity to find my inner zen-like qualities
Moving to a different state definitely improved this one drastically.
-judge eligible bachelors by the number of tattoos or holes in their bodies, academic credentials, political beliefs, or their baseball team of choice, but rather be open and simply grit my teeth while they list all the reasons why Derek Jeter is a "true Yankee."
This is still a work in progress, but thanks to A-Rod, Jeter has not had a chance to annoy me at all this spring. Progress!
My three year drought
In order for you to fully understand the significance of recent events, I must make a somewhat embarrassing confession…
This January marked the three year anniversary of my last kiss. Sadly, the last guy I kissed was the Premature “I love you” guy. And before you assume that this three year drought was due to lack of effort on my part, I’d like to state for the record that I have been on numerous dates since then and put forth an honest effort to meet snoggable men (Exhibit A: My Adventures in Online Dating). Also, while I’m not overly self confident when it comes to men, I refuse to believe that my bad luck with relationships (or lack thereof) is due to my appearance or personality. I am clearly awesome and worthy of bold declarations of love as demonstrated by the Premature “I love you” guy.
Anyway, I have been talking to The Engineer consistently, through email and phone, since my first date with him last week. Thus far, all signs tell me that he is just that into me. This is new for me but somehow we have maintained the right balance between me feeling completely smothered and feeling insecure about whether or not he is interested. (I am an independent woman, complete without boyfriend!)
So, I had my second date with The Engineer this weekend. (Note that this fulfills one of my New Years Resolutions. Hoorah!) We went to dinner and then back to his place to watch a movie. During the movie we cuddled; however, this was partly out of necessity as his giant dog was hogging a majority of the couch. And to my great surprise he kissed me at the end of the movie! (If it wasn’t for my three year drought, I doubt I would have been surprised by this occurrence.) Some snogging did ensue and I am happy to report that there were no uncomfortable declarations of love or heavy breathing!
In closing, I’d like to take a moment to thank The Engineer for ending my three year drought.
This January marked the three year anniversary of my last kiss. Sadly, the last guy I kissed was the Premature “I love you” guy. And before you assume that this three year drought was due to lack of effort on my part, I’d like to state for the record that I have been on numerous dates since then and put forth an honest effort to meet snoggable men (Exhibit A: My Adventures in Online Dating). Also, while I’m not overly self confident when it comes to men, I refuse to believe that my bad luck with relationships (or lack thereof) is due to my appearance or personality. I am clearly awesome and worthy of bold declarations of love as demonstrated by the Premature “I love you” guy.
Anyway, I have been talking to The Engineer consistently, through email and phone, since my first date with him last week. Thus far, all signs tell me that he is just that into me. This is new for me but somehow we have maintained the right balance between me feeling completely smothered and feeling insecure about whether or not he is interested. (I am an independent woman, complete without boyfriend!)
So, I had my second date with The Engineer this weekend. (Note that this fulfills one of my New Years Resolutions. Hoorah!) We went to dinner and then back to his place to watch a movie. During the movie we cuddled; however, this was partly out of necessity as his giant dog was hogging a majority of the couch. And to my great surprise he kissed me at the end of the movie! (If it wasn’t for my three year drought, I doubt I would have been surprised by this occurrence.) Some snogging did ensue and I am happy to report that there were no uncomfortable declarations of love or heavy breathing!
In closing, I’d like to take a moment to thank The Engineer for ending my three year drought.
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