2009 Year's Progress: Scarlet

Despite all the doom and gloom of my recent posts, looking back I think that I've grown a lot over this past year (and certainly got more action than I even dreamed to hope for). I made some wicked awesome new friends. I went on a lot of dates (some excellent with unexpected arrivals, some accidental and some not so fab). Kissed some toads (OK a toad...apologies to the Engineer). Went on several holidays. And had my heart broken. So here is a review of my New Year's Resolutions.

I will not…

• Sulk about having nothing to do, but instead make more friends in my local area so that my social schedule is full. Excellent work! I embraced this New Years Resolution so much that at times I felt my social schedule was too full. If there were middle class socialite, I think I have earned the title. 1 trillion points (Hoorah!)
  
• Let my singleton status prevent me from going on a proper holiday. I went on two vacations and a mini-break to visit Violet. I am also indulging some time off to enjoy the holidays next week. Who needs a guy to take take a proper holiday? 2 million points (v.g.)
  
• Accept male fuckwittage silently, but instead address fuckwittage in a mature and composed manner. I guess I faltered a little with this one by keeping MM around. However, I did call him out when he was being a fuckwit. So I believe that I followed this one in the spirit that it was written. (Unfortunately addressing fuckwittage do not equate to fuckwittage eradication.) 10 points (poor)
  
• Have unrealistic expectations about men. Oops. Maybe next year? Then again maybe my expectations were actually too low. (I will never again agree to go to a sporting event with a man around my birthday. IT IS A TRAP!!) It's a wash...0 points (poor)
  
• Have a tantrum when my father indicates that I am to blame for my singleton status, but rather discuss the topic like a mature adult. Representing the rights of all singletons! My mom forbid my dad from talking to me about dating or grandchildren, thereby excusing me from this resolution. Although my dad did find other ways to tell me. one million points to my mom and 5 points to my dad for stealth


• Settle on a man simply get my father to stop complaining about how he will never have grandchildren. More of a lifetime goal. As I'm still a singleton, I think we can safely say that I've succeeded on this one. (I'm confident that I would have gotten rid of the Engineer eventually. Seriously. How long can you really date a guy that doesn't clean up immediately after his giant dog pees in the house?) 999 points for the continued effort (Hoorah for singletons!)
  

I will…

• Go on a second date. I clearly rocked this one! This resolution seems silly now, but in 2008 I assure you it seemed realistic. Special thanks to The Engineer for being the first to make this possible and ending my three year drought. a gizillion points to me and an honorable mention to The Engineer (v.v.g.)


• Form a stable relationship with a male of the non-fuckwit variety. Ugh. The world wasn't built in a day. I had first imaginary relationship with MM. I fell hard. On the plus side, now I know what really excellent chemistry feels like. And while it was imaginary, it lasted longer than any of the other guys I have dated. 100,000 points for the relationship, -50,000 points for the imaginary component
  
• Actively pursue new job opportunities in which I will not dread going to work everyday. Putting in my 2 weeks notice in January and going back to school!! Hoorah!! One billion points for me, negative points to the economy (v.v.g.)


• Be happy for my non-singleton friends but not hesitate to object to smug married comments from friends and family. It is starting! Several of my friends got engaged this year. As my heart was breaking, I tried on my first bride's maids dress and observed happpy couples complete with PDA, while pretending that all was right with the world. I'm just going to give myself this one. 1,000 points (v. good effort.)

An excellent year's progress!

Getting back in the game...

I decided to be the bigger person and not email The Engineer. One of my friends said by not responding the ball stays in my court. I'm not really sure what I can do with this power at this point but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me.

Now that it is too late I kind of regret not emailing The Engineer back. I know that it wouldn’t have changed anything but it was all so sudden and I feel like his email robbed me of complete closure. This is going to sound somewhat pathetic but, despite The Engineer being a complete fuckwit at the end, I still kind of miss him. Even if I wasn’t that into him I still really liked him and I had fun with him.

So now that The Engineer is out of the picture I’m back on match in search of a guy I’m not only compatible with but who I’m also attracted to. (By the way, I hate that I’m now comparing other guys to The Engineer.) Within a day or two receiving the email from The Engineer, I updated my profile and contacted a handful of guys. Of course only a couple replied. Here is a roll call of those in the running at the moment:

• The Accidental Date Guy – The weekend after things ended with The Engineer I was trying to make plans for the evening. I was talking to one of my guy friends from meetup group thinking that we were going to invite other people. It wasn’t until the last minute that I realized that he might not have been thinking the same thing. I asked him if I should see if other people wanted to join and he said “no I think we can handle this ;-)”. Crap!! So I went on the “date” and it was fun. However, he was moving out of town in a couple of days and a couple months later he will be moving out of the country for several years. (Plus, I hadn’t thoroughly facebook stalked him and my friend informed me later than he has a toddler.) He did call and text me the day after the date though.
• The German – I have been talking to this guy on match who lives near where I work. He seemed really interesting at first but some of his emails recent emails have been a little boring and his comments make me think that we might not be compatible. As English is not his first language and he seems interested in me, I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I suggested meeting and he said he would like that and is free this week. He did lose points suggesting that we meet during the week so that I wouldn’t have to drive up on a weekend. (I commute to work.) Seriously? He could have at least pretended he was willing to meet me half way.
• The Country Boy – The guy contacted me on match. He fishes, hunts, watches Nascar, loves his pickup truck and makes his own furniture. He seems interesting and I’m not entirely opposed to the country boy type but Nascar and hunting definitely aren’t hot.

So here it goes again...dating is so exhausting...

Fuckwittage confirmed: Part 2

Continued from "Fuckwittage Confirmed"...

Yes that’s right The Engineer emailed me!! (I deserved a call at the very least, right?) And no, he did not have a good excuse for ignoring me five days. This was indeed a simple straightforward case of fuckwittage!

After saying that he “thinks” he decided that we shouldn’t go out anymore, The Engineer’s email went on to say that he had fun the “couple” of times we went out but he didn’t feel that click. He also revealed that he had his heart broken a few months ago and said that he needed to get out and meet new people. (This was news to me.) He placated me by saying that I’m pretty, smart, and caring and he is probably the one losing out.

The Engineer’s email may have been appropriate (and even flattering) should I have received it after one or two dates but after you get to the point where you no longer know exactly how many dates you’ve been on, an email is clearly not acceptable. I do kind of agree with his point that we didn’t “click.” While we got along really well, what we had was more friend chemistry than romantic chemistry. Even now I feel kind of guilty saying this but I wasn’t as attracted to The Engineer as I thought I should be. I had fun with him and felt more comfortable with him than the other guys I’ve dated so I figured I would give it a chance…I thought maybe with time it could grow into something more. My dad is always telling me I’m too picky and I can’t expect life to be like a romantic comedy. I didn’t want to prove him right.

As for the rest of The Engineer’s email…I understand if he wants to get out and meet people after a bad break up but is a dating website really the place to look? Furthermore, this is the guy that told me that he wanted to see me more. His behavior prior to the cancelled date in no way implied that he wanted to be out there dating lots of people.

Despite my annoyance with The Engineer’s email, I must say that I felt an enormous sense of relief. Sure I was a little disappointed but it was liberating to know with complete certainty that it was really over and I could officially move on. Last week I was still kind of adjusting to not having The Engineer in my life. I had grown used to talking to him daily and I kind of missed him. If he had handled the break up appropriately and not acted like a complete fuckwit, I think I would have even suggested that we try to be friends. (I couldn't help but wonder after all that time if The Engineer was able to send his cowardly email and then move on without a second thought.)

I have not yet decided if I should email The Engineer back and call him out on his fuckwittage as a public service to our fellow singletons. What would Bridget do?

Fuckwittage confirmed

I had complete confidence in The Engineer. He gave me absolutely no reason to doubt him…until now. Last Monday he sent his usual “what does your schedule look like this week” email and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner or have him cook me dinner at his place. After I responded, he suggested a restaurant on my way home so I wouldn’t have as long of a drive. He called the night before the date and we chatted and finalized the details for the date. Looking back everything seemed completely normal. The engineer even emailed me on Friday as if nothing was wrong and explained that he worked late the last two days but there was no apology for canceling the date nor has he called. This of course confused me further.

As you are not quite as emotionally involved, you may have already guessed based on my previous post and my intro…The Engineer committed one of the worst dating sins…the disappearance. (This has been discussed previously by Violet.) The problem with the disappearance is that you are stripped of your right of closure. Even worse is a sudden disappearance. In all of my previous relationships there was a withdrawal period prior to the break up. The withdrawal period gives you a chance to emotionally check out of the relationship so that when the breakup actually occurs it is like shedding a burden rather than a complete surprise.

So all weekend I was feeling shell shocked and somewhat in denial. I tried to keep busy and hung out with friends and family. All this time I was asking myself, “How did this happen? Why won’t he call?” After dating for almost two months and communicating almost daily, I couldn’t believe The Engineer was capable of such complete and utter fuckwittage. I kept thinking to myself, “There must be some mistake!” But I knew deep down that I needed to accept that maybe just maybe The Engineer was a fuckwit disguised as a nice guy.

Yes I know I am a woman of substance, complete without boyfriend. Not only am I awesome but I’m also hotter and younger than The Engineer so this is clearly his loss…so why couldn’t I stop staring at my phone waiting for it to ring?

I broke down and called him on Saturday but after a few rings it went to voice mail. So I sent a text saying that I didn’t know what was going on but it looked like he was blowing me off and I’d appreciate a call. Yet still I got no response! Finally on Sunday evening he emailed me…

[To be continued.]

The seven week slump?

Tomorrow marks seven weeks since my first date with The Engineer. I know this shouldn’t be a momentous occasion but for me it is a major accomplishment. Sure I’ve gotten this far with other guys before but at this point I’m usually considering the best way to break up with the guy. (This might be a good time for me to confess that I gathered the courage to break up with the Premature “I love you” guy from a fortune cookie. It said “Do something you’d rather not do today.”)

I’m happy to report that I’m still feeling optimistic about The Engineer. I’m quite proud of myself actually. When I made plans to visit Violet over a month from now, I was even thinking in the back of my mind maybe he could drive me to the airport!

So you’ll understand that it came as quite a surprise to me when The Engineer committed a major dating blunder this week. We had plans for dinner after work yesterday and The Engineer sent me a text message saying that he got tied up at work and had to stay late so he couldn’t make dinner. This of course wasn’t his mistake…I understand things come up. I was confident that he would call to explain and maybe even apologize for canceling later that night. He has been remarkable reliable thus far so I had no reason to think overwise. When I didn’t hear from him last night I was somewhat disappointed in him but my resolve did not falter. But here I sit over 24 hours later thinking seriously all I get is a text?!?! The Engineer is seriously in danger of committing fuckwittage if he hasn’t already.

Am I wrong to have such confidence in him when he has given me no reason to doubt that he is dependable? Is he so comfortable with me now that he doesn’t feel the need to impress me? Is this what I have to look forward to in the future?

I am determined to wait for him to call. And I do expect some groveling! (The amount of groveling should be directly proportional to the amount of time he waits to call.)

Question of the Week: Defining the relationship

Things are still going good with The Engineer. I listened to the advice of the WWBD advisement board (aka Violet and Grayer) and made him cookies for his birthday. They seemed to go over well! I’ve been seeing him twice a week for the last few weeks and basically talking to him daily through either the phone or email since we met in February. (He actually told me “it would be nice to see you more than once per week!” a couple of weeks ago…I didn’t know guys were capable of such openness!) The other guys I’ve dated I always either found myself annoyed that the guy didn’t call when he said he would or the other extreme, wishing he would leave me alone so I could relax/hang out with friends. One of the things I really like about The Engineer is that he seems to understand when to call but also when not to call. For example, I was visiting one of my old friends the other weekend who just went through a bad breakup and he understood that this was time I set aside for my friend.

Anyway, with some encouragement from one of my friends, I decided to invite The Engineer to a meetup activity next weekend. After asking him I realized that, as we have not defined the relationship, I don’t know what to introduce him as to my meetup friends, some of which don’t know that I’m dating anyone. The thing is that I’m pretty sure that he isn’t dating anyone else either. I talk to him frequently enough that I basically know what he is up to every night and maybe even in more detail than is necessary. (While I can certainly stomach it, I don’t really need to know the consistency of your dog’s poo!)

So I guess this Question of the Week has two parts. First, when is it appropriate to have this discussion and is the conversation even necessary? (Like Grayer, I have a friend who had the discussion with her boyfriend, who is now her fiancé, on the third date. On the other hand, I have a friend who dated a guy for several months before he introduced her as his girlfriend and later asked something like “you are my girlfriend right?”)

Secondly, what is your suggested course of action for handling this with The Engineer? Should I introduce the topic for discussion? If I forgo the “defining the relationship” conversation until later, how do I introduce The Engineer to my meetup friends?

Dating Etiquette

I’ve been dating The Engineer for about a month now and things seem to be going well. I admit that I had a brief commitment phobic setback last week following an uncomfortable conversation in which he asked me about my past relationships. I changed the subject…while I don’t really have anything to hide, I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation yet and especially not in a public place. When we do have that conversation I will have to admit that, while I have dated, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I feel this is a bit out of the norm for a girl in her mid-twenties and I’m somewhat self-conscious about it. Is it possible for the lack of relationship baggage to be just as weighty? Afterward, I found myself questioning whether I’m really into him or if my interest is partly related to my three year drought. I have since recovered from this setback and decided that it was likely more related to my fear of entering into unknown territory than my interest in The Engineer.

As part of the same conversation The Engineer very hesitantly and awkwardly asked me if I was bothered by our age difference. (He is about four years older than me.) Considering that I knew his age before I met him, I thought the answer was kind of obvious but I assuaged his concerns. As a result of this conversation, I learned that his birthday is this month. Which of course raises the question, do I get him a gift? If so what is an appropriate gift to give someone you have only been dating a month? What would Bridget do? I was thinking about getting him a movie that we talked about and we both want to see. I would welcome any advice.

My three year drought

In order for you to fully understand the significance of recent events, I must make a somewhat embarrassing confession…

This January marked the three year anniversary of my last kiss. Sadly, the last guy I kissed was the Premature “I love you” guy. And before you assume that this three year drought was due to lack of effort on my part, I’d like to state for the record that I have been on numerous dates since then and put forth an honest effort to meet snoggable men (Exhibit A: My Adventures in Online Dating). Also, while I’m not overly self confident when it comes to men, I refuse to believe that my bad luck with relationships (or lack thereof) is due to my appearance or personality. I am clearly awesome and worthy of bold declarations of love as demonstrated by the Premature “I love you” guy.

Anyway, I have been talking to The Engineer consistently, through email and phone, since my first date with him last week. Thus far, all signs tell me that he is just that into me. This is new for me but somehow we have maintained the right balance between me feeling completely smothered and feeling insecure about whether or not he is interested. (I am an independent woman, complete without boyfriend!)

So, I had my second date with The Engineer this weekend. (Note that this fulfills one of my New Years Resolutions. Hoorah!) We went to dinner and then back to his place to watch a movie. During the movie we cuddled; however, this was partly out of necessity as his giant dog was hogging a majority of the couch. And to my great surprise he kissed me at the end of the movie! (If it wasn’t for my three year drought, I doubt I would have been surprised by this occurrence.) Some snogging did ensue and I am happy to report that there were no uncomfortable declarations of love or heavy breathing!

In closing, I’d like to take a moment to thank The Engineer for ending my three year drought.

First Date: The Engineer

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try match.com. As you may recall in my previous post, I was talking to a nerdy, outdoorsy guy with a dog. (I’m still working on an alias for him but for now we will call him the Engineer.) After talking with the Engineer for about two weeks, we arranged to meet for dinner at a pub he suggested. While it is hard to really know what a guy will be like in person, I was optimistic going into the date based on our emails and the phone conversation the night before.

I was a little nervous at the beginning of the date but the conversation flowed smoothly and I quickly forgot to be nervous and just enjoyed the evening. I’ve been on quite a few first dates in the last year (and no second dates) and the contrast between the dates gives me a better perspective on what constitutes as a good or bad first date. In this case, I’d definitely say that it was a good date. We were at the pub for almost 3 hours and with the exception of the brief lull after an old drunk man feel backward off of his bar stool and hit his head on a table nearby (what is the proper reaction to that?), there were virtually no awkward pauses and our conversation was informal rather than a bunch of dead end questions.

At the end of the date I told the Engineer that I wasn’t sure how to get home from where we were. He called later to make sure that I’d made it OK and said he had a good time. He has emailed me twice since the date and in the last email he said “I am terrible at first dates....are we going to go out again if I ask you (eventually...)?” I’m guessing this means he wants to see me again but is a little insecure? (I will say that "eventually" seems a little too infinite for my tastes.)

A couple of things I like about the Engineer: (1) he shares my appreciation for The Office, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report; (2) he is an Obama fan and thinks Sarah Palin is an idiot (while acknowledging that this has nothing to do with gender); (3) he loves animals; (4) he says what he thinks but admits when he is wrong; (5) I don’t feel any of my normal post date anxiety.

I’m going to keep talking to the other guys I’m communicating with on match but I probably won't meet any of them until I see how this pans out. (I admit that I’m not good at focusing on more than one guy at a time.)

Online Dating Round Two

After a brief hiatus I have decided to try online dating again. My previous experience was with eharmony. While I like the concept of eharmony, the delivery was sadly lacking. The problem with eharmony is that you enter it blindly without knowing how many people in your area actually use the service. Unfortunately I discovered that the guys in my area were very limited.

This time I’m trying match.com on the suggestion of a couple of my friends. My main objection to this is privacy. Anyone can signup and without paying see your profile and pictures. This is of course also a benefit because you can scope out your options before paying. One of my new friends from meetup also signed up for match.com recently. I think that it will be fun to experience this with someone else. We can compare stories and advise each other on the men we are communicating with. I will of course also be consulting Violet from time to time as always but it will be nice to have the perspective of someone else who is going through the same thing.

The nature of these dating services is that you WILL be contacted by some objectionable men. It can get to be quite time consuming to correspond with all the guys who contact you. My general rule is that if I am disgusted by even the thought of meeting a guy, then I say no thanks. This basically rules out the old men, babydaddies, illiterate, and guys that imply they are looking for a hookup in their profiles. (Yes Violet I know that you think that I should talk to all of them but I feel that this is setting the bar quite low!)

So far there are two guys that have definite potential, both living within an hour drive of me. The first guy contacted me and after a couple of emails and chatting through the website I gave him my email address (all of this occurred within one day). The following day he emailed me 6 times with short messages. The guy seems really nice but I have to say I was wondering if it was normal that a guy would want updates on how my day is going every few hours. I'm guessing that means that he is just that into me?

I initiated contact with the second guy, who is an engineer. We have emailed back and forth a couple of times and seem to have a lot in common. My impression based on his profile and pictures is that he is a bit nerdy but outdoorsy and has a dog (all good things). A little nerd is good for you, right Violet? He is a redhead and reminds me of my brother in some way.

One of the other guys that contacted me has a picture of an older lady sitting in his lap. I’m guessing it is his mother. While I did respond to him, I have to question the judgment of a guy who posts a picture of himself with a woman in his lap whether it is his mother or Mrs. Robinson.

I'll let you know how it goes!