100 men

My friend sent me this article of a woman who took online dating to the extreme. 100 men in 6 months. She did not kiss any of them and only agreed to a second date if she really really felt there was something there. And yes she finally did find him. Violet, are you up for this?

Question of the Week: Defining the relationship

Things are still going good with The Engineer. I listened to the advice of the WWBD advisement board (aka Violet and Grayer) and made him cookies for his birthday. They seemed to go over well! I’ve been seeing him twice a week for the last few weeks and basically talking to him daily through either the phone or email since we met in February. (He actually told me “it would be nice to see you more than once per week!” a couple of weeks ago…I didn’t know guys were capable of such openness!) The other guys I’ve dated I always either found myself annoyed that the guy didn’t call when he said he would or the other extreme, wishing he would leave me alone so I could relax/hang out with friends. One of the things I really like about The Engineer is that he seems to understand when to call but also when not to call. For example, I was visiting one of my old friends the other weekend who just went through a bad breakup and he understood that this was time I set aside for my friend.

Anyway, with some encouragement from one of my friends, I decided to invite The Engineer to a meetup activity next weekend. After asking him I realized that, as we have not defined the relationship, I don’t know what to introduce him as to my meetup friends, some of which don’t know that I’m dating anyone. The thing is that I’m pretty sure that he isn’t dating anyone else either. I talk to him frequently enough that I basically know what he is up to every night and maybe even in more detail than is necessary. (While I can certainly stomach it, I don’t really need to know the consistency of your dog’s poo!)

So I guess this Question of the Week has two parts. First, when is it appropriate to have this discussion and is the conversation even necessary? (Like Grayer, I have a friend who had the discussion with her boyfriend, who is now her fiancé, on the third date. On the other hand, I have a friend who dated a guy for several months before he introduced her as his girlfriend and later asked something like “you are my girlfriend right?”)

Secondly, what is your suggested course of action for handling this with The Engineer? Should I introduce the topic for discussion? If I forgo the “defining the relationship” conversation until later, how do I introduce The Engineer to my meetup friends?

When fools rush in

You may remember my single friend Nate. Being the only two (sane) singles in the department, Nate and I have a connection. He's the guy who will play into all of my ridiculous antics, and who, most importantly, is somehow the key to me meeting men (I met Hanging Out Guy when I was out with Nate). I love the guy but in no way have I ever wanted to date him, though in someway, I am a bit protective of him. So you might imagine my reaction, when somewhat out of the blue, he tells me he has a girlfriend.

I believe my exact words were, "WWWhhhat??" It was just a couple of weeks ago that I had mentioned to him how others were wondering why he was single. Question one, how did he go from thinking about not being single, to acutually not being single? And question two, why the hell does that not work for women?

He had confided in me last week that while I was on vacation, he had gone on a couple dates. (These dates included coffee, and watching the West Wing on DVD, which I told him were not dates). So after about two weeks, and a handful of "dates," they decide that they're dating exclusively. Is it just me or are they moving at the speed of light? To have already had that discussion, well, it just seems crazy.

After discussing this, Violet and I have noticed that we each date a guy a ridiculously long time before going exclusive with them. Take Hanging Out Guy, for example. I'm still having a lot of fun with him and things seem to be moving right along, except for the whole labeling of our relationship. We've cooked each other dinner, and I've stayed at his house on a weekday (my heat was mysteriously shut off and its too cold up North to go without). We have gone to the movies, and I've even worn sweatpants over to his house. And yet our relationship remains undefined.

Nate claims this is because him and his new gf are more mature than HOG and I. I claim this is because they are older than we are, and let's face it, she's not getting any younger, she needs to know where a relationship is going. Between Nate and I, it's hard to say who's the fool, but I am most certainly not rushing in.

Ok, Cupid. Work your magic...

I finally caved. I joined the world of online dating. (Or as one young chap I was chatting with the other day called it, "the place pretty girls go to lose faith in humanity.") Instead of going with the more notable eharmony or match.com, I opted for OkCupid, for one simple reason: it's free. I figured, what have I got to lose? Besides my dignity, of course. I really don't expect to meet Mr. Right with this thing, but Mr. Right Now will work. Besides, I need to start pulling my weight on this blog.

Thus far, I haven't had to initiate any contact, but as Scarlet tells me, you get a lot of attention when you first join, then it will supposedly die down. I need some friendly advice for a few situations.

The Tennis Ace sent me an email message with the simple question: "Do you play tennis?" That's it, nothing more. So I replied with, "Not very well, but yes, I do." I like playing tennis, but I never get to play for the very obvious factor that I need someone to play with. So finding anyone willing and able to stand on the opposite side of the court to hit the ball back is a good thing. He responded back with, "Well, that's a start. I would love to take you out sometime." Wait, what? I was expecting a 'let's hit the court' or something along those lines. Is playing tennis a prerequisite? I'm confused. Should I ignore his request? Suggest we meet for a friendly game? A little help, please.

Another guy sent me a mesage that started out with a joke about a guy being a teepee and a wigwam (because he's too tents, get it?) and declared this the reason we need to be friends (I mentioned that I like to laugh in my profile). I found this a bit lame, but after going to his profile, I found a mention of the smurfs, and I am a child of the 80s who loves the smurfs, and maybe I should give the bad joke a pass?

I was matched up with a guy who copied and pasted the wikipedia article for ham sandwich in order to complete all 500 characters in his profile (because OkC likes to harrass you about not completing your profile). This made me laugh out loud. I'm thinking of sending him a message telling him he had me at ham sandwich.

This afternoon I signed on simply to check that particular email, when I found myself chatting with three different men. (One of whom I had a promising conversation with on Monday.) A fourth one popped up, but I dismissed him due to his age. He's 19. I know I said I wouldn't turn down dates due to silly biases, but 19! A child. He can't even take me out for a drink. Federal law mandates that I turn him down.

'Atta Girl!

Grayer and I are ESPN-watching (or we would be if either of us had cable), fiercely competitive, sporty women. You would think this would make us more appealing to men, since we would have more in common, but sadly, our moves on the field don't generally get us any moves off the field. While the boys take the time to show Miss Priss how to hold a bat (oh, puh-leeeze), we already know what we're doing and are much more likely to get an "atta girl!" and a slap on the ass (and not the good kind).

Even with all this in mind, I joined a softball meetup group, and played in not one, but two games today. (Maybe I'll find my missing mojo in a place I feel so comfortable?) There were plenty of cute, twenty-something men on the team. They were super funny. Grayer would luuuuurve them (most were bearded and burly, true men's men). After being introduced to me, one guy said, "So Violet, do you have mad softball skillz?" And boy did I show him. I was constantly on base, getting hits left and right. OK, mostly to left, as it is slow-pitch and is nearly impossible not to pull the ball. Unfortunately, I've already crossed into the dangerous territory of being "one of the guys." While I didn't get any slaps on the ass, I got plenty of "atta girl"s, and plenty of fist bumps and high-fives. But what else am I supposed to do? Strike out? Let a ball go between my legs? Oh, the humiliation! I honestly don't know how to take it down a notch when playing softball. Perfect example: I scored from second today on a sac fly. BAM! Did I get some serious fist bump action after that one. *sigh* If only fist bump action were a metaphor for a different kind of action...

Missing: Violet's Mojo

It has come to my attention, that I've lost something. Something very, very important in the life of any singleton: my mojo. Once upon a time, I had good mojo. I was single, but I certainly didn't reek of desperation, and I got a fair amount of attention from men. At some point in the last year, my mojo abandoned me. I'm hoping it's just on extended vacation and will return shortly. I blame it on South America (oh my God, what if it's lost somewhere on the continent and can't find it's way home?). Wearing the same practical traveling clothes day in and day out, not showering or washing my hair for extended periods of time will take the mojo right out of you. So throw me a bone here, how do I get my mojo back? I'm attempting to get some back tonight. I put on some scandalous underwear, shaved my legs, (and not just below the knees, either) and am going salsa dancing. If this doesn't work, I don't know what will. Help!

Dating Etiquette

I’ve been dating The Engineer for about a month now and things seem to be going well. I admit that I had a brief commitment phobic setback last week following an uncomfortable conversation in which he asked me about my past relationships. I changed the subject…while I don’t really have anything to hide, I wasn’t prepared to have that conversation yet and especially not in a public place. When we do have that conversation I will have to admit that, while I have dated, I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I feel this is a bit out of the norm for a girl in her mid-twenties and I’m somewhat self-conscious about it. Is it possible for the lack of relationship baggage to be just as weighty? Afterward, I found myself questioning whether I’m really into him or if my interest is partly related to my three year drought. I have since recovered from this setback and decided that it was likely more related to my fear of entering into unknown territory than my interest in The Engineer.

As part of the same conversation The Engineer very hesitantly and awkwardly asked me if I was bothered by our age difference. (He is about four years older than me.) Considering that I knew his age before I met him, I thought the answer was kind of obvious but I assuaged his concerns. As a result of this conversation, I learned that his birthday is this month. Which of course raises the question, do I get him a gift? If so what is an appropriate gift to give someone you have only been dating a month? What would Bridget do? I was thinking about getting him a movie that we talked about and we both want to see. I would welcome any advice.